twinkling like thousands of cameras
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summary: Their fingers link but it's never(never) enough, because her fingers are so pale and frail and his are sweating because he's so afraid - and he'd never admit it, but she's not holding onto his hand quite tightly enough.
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So, honestly, I'm not sure what this is. I wanted to write Creddie and somehow find the idea of him mourning her death very approachable as a subject. This turned out...eh, but hey, maybe you'll like it more than I do.
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She's all:
glossy brown hair, red(red) lips pursed in an innocent smile, and eyes twinkling(like thousands of cameras behind her lids.)
She's the one who says "hi" to him in the hallway at the first day of junior high(and maybe - just maybe, though he'll deny it - that's why his heart started pounding overtime.)
.
He's all:
tech & polish & and nerd talk.
(in his world he pretends it's pretty cool - but no, he knows it's not.)
.
She smiles at him that first airing of iCarly(and she's glowing - an angel with wings flaming; it's all beautiful to him.)
With that smile he begins to wonder what he would do without her(his heart pulses like a raging bull.)
.
"Hey Carly?"
His arm moves, slides like a snake, behind the couch and around her shoulder.
She shrugs it off(and he should be hurt but oh god that smile of hers.)
"Yes, Freddie?"
The question is bubbling in his throat and it aches like a thousand pound boulder.
"One day, if you find new friends, will you leave m - us?" He almost forgot the blonde haired demon sitting on the chair across from them, the one he can't get rid of no matter how much he wants to(because she's carly best friend and that's one line he can't cross.)
"Of course not." Carly's smiling again and everything is radiant.
That little feeling in his throat never quite goes away.
.
They grow up -
(-and it shouldn't bother him that carly is gorgeous and even sam is decent looking and he's still such a nub.)
"Do you want carly or not?" Sam asks.
They're caught staring at each other in that piercing way and he - no, it's just hormones - feels something catch in his throat.
"Of course." He's echoing words from the past and there's something in Sam's eyes that are off.
"Then you'd better hurry the hell up."
Blonde hair whooshes around the corner(and he's left wondering what she means.)
.
They're doing their webshow for the nth time.
"I'm sam."
"And I'm -"
Carly topples unsteadily; he's passing his tech equipment to Sam and catching brown hair & red lips & and a pale face in his arms without thinking.
"What was that?" He asks her when they're downstairs(and he's sweating and more scared than ever before.)
"I'm fine."
Carly's looking up at him so pleadingly, so strong. Those red lips pinch together tight(tight) and she still manages to look like an angel.
"Can you fix me a grilled cheese?"
(of course he will, the pushover.)
.
Later, when they're alone, he presses a hand to his forehead(because it doesn't matter if he tries to hide his fear or not; she sees it.)
"Thanks for taking on the rest of the webshow for us." He's truly grateful, but it's misted over with a sense of the unknown.
Sam smirks, reveals no teeth. "Of course."
The words hang in between them like mimes slowly roasting over a fire(and he's too scared to ask them.)
Her hand covers his for a moment(and makes him think what if's) before she pulls away because she's Sam-Damn-Puckett; she can't be weak.
"she won't tell me either, fredwad." Silence, choking them. "i figured it out myself."
.
Carly's room smells like candy and sparkles.
"why won't anyone tell me what's going on?" he asks.
Spencer is staring, and Sam is smirking and Carly is just sitting there with those eyes shining(like she's an angel.)
"well, I -"
Carly is leaning back, lips pursing tight(too tight) and eyes shining so brilliantly he knows she can't fall, not now, not ever.
.
The second time she collapses, no one finds out about it until afterwords.
"what are those bruises on your arms from?" he asks, and it's hard to breathe.
She smiles(sadly, beautifully) and says, "well, i fell again this morning."
Their fingers link but it's never(never) enough, because her fingers are so pale and frail and his are sweating because he's so afraid - and he'd never admit it, but she's not holding onto his hand quite tightly enough.
"why didn't you tell us - me?" He sounds like a pouting child, but that's always the way its been with her.
"because," says Carly, "you're just freddie. just freddie."
That's all he needs to hear(and he doesn't let go of her hand but he envisions running far away) because he'll never, ever be enough for her.
.
They stand in front of his locker and say nothing.
(the words already hang in the abyss between them: why is this happening?)
"Fredward."
"Puckett."
She walks away, slinging her multi-colored backpack over one shoulder, and he's left wondering if Sam Puckett ever needs saving.
.
She watches him from around the corner with those blue(sapphire) eyes and doesn't smile.
"of course i need saving." but he's already saving someone else, and she's not about to stand in the way.
(they'll never change, will they?)
.
"tell me," he whispers, clutching pale(pale) skin and wishing he could hold on forever. "just tell me."
Her fingers hook into dark brown hair and pull out chunks, holding them out for his inspection.
"i'm dying."
(her eyes still twinkle like thousands of cameras, but it's so dull now and he's still a damn hopeless romantic.)
.
They do iCarly and it seems like the beginning of forever(but they all know this is the end.)
"i'm sam!"
"and i'm carly!"
"and this is icarly!"
They don't falter, smile like Christmas has come early and they're being showered with hundreds of presents. They smile so hard it almost obscures the red(red) eyes and halting(catching) breath and thoughts buzzing like bees(because, oh god, they have to say goodbye soon.)
They smile so hard he almost forgets how completely fake this all is -
- that is, until she looks at him with those wide brown eyes and huge smile and he gets lost in her overwhelming beauty.
(he remembers their first webcast and tears trace down his cheeks; he's so glad he's behind the lens of the camera because he was never meant to be the star.)
.
"i'm sorry."
try to breathe. it's so hard now.
"no you're not," he whispers. "i'm just freddie, remember?"
In-out. In-out. They're lost in the ticking of clocks(and they can't get out.)
Her breath fans so close to his face and he imagines kissing plump lips, tangling fingers in brown hair.
"if things had been different," he says, slowly, "if i was someone different, what would we be?"
Fingers interlock and she's kissing him(and he almost tastes happiness - but not really, she tastes like death.)
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"smile."
He stands beside her and notices how her blonde hair is more tangled than usual.
"why?" She sounds so huge in this vast nothingness, so powerful.
Brown meets blue and if this was another lifetime they'd be kissing but it's not. The vision in his head will always be about Carly; nothing can change that.
"save me." He's never heard her say that before.
"i wish i could, sam."
She slaps him(because it's all she knows.)
.
"carly, i -"
"go away, freddie."
She's looking up at him and she's so pale(pale) and so thin(skin and bones) and there's nothing he can do about it.
"tell me, carls. please just -"
"this is it."
Brown eyes twinkling like thousands of cameras beam up at him and he wonders how on earth she can be so cheerful now. But, then again, it's how she's always been.
His fingers brush hers, and lips press against her forehead.
"okay," he whispers against her skin, inhaling the scent of her perfume that somehow smells like sunshine.
Then he's gone, because he just can't bear to stay.
(because he's just freddie, not a knight in shining armor.)
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They stand together at her funeral (brownblue&brown) and don't link hands because it's never been them.
"don't follow me home." It's a command, one he's used to hearing.
He never answers, continuing to stare at the shining wooden coffin concealing glassy eyes once brown(all the cameras have been shattered to pieces) and secret smiles.
.
It's days, months, after her funeral, and they're kneeling on the carpet in the Shay's loft.
"look at this." Blue eyes meet his and Sam shows him a picture of the three of them.
He smiles, nods as though he actually cares, then pulls out a pair of scizzors and cuts Carly out of the picture(she's resiliant; she'll be okay.)
.
The next morning he finds the picture intact once more, the edges crusted with dried glue.
"nub," she greets him casually, her blue eyes twinkling as she holds up a bottle of glue cracked half-way open.
(and in some out-of-body way, he thinks he hears carly giggling again as she did in their first webshow.)
.
Maybe he can save something after all -
(- he props the picture up on his nightstand and musters a smile.)
.
fin;