Wizards of Waverly Place
Dear Jerry
It was an ordinary day for the Russos, it was fortunate, for there had not been too many of those since the events of "The Blaire Wizard Project." The Russos were going about their day as usual, with no worries in their minds, little did they know that today would change their lives, forever!
The Russos were sitting in their living room slash loft when Jerry walked in. "Ha, I was at the mall, and I went in one of those stores that doesn't really sell stuff and nobody but mentally unstable people go into." Said Jerry.
"What were you doing in the army recruitment center?" Asked Theresa.
"Well, I thought since there really isn't much of the inside that you can see that it might have been one of those secret food courts, I've heard of those, so I went in, that's why." Stated Jerry.
"So, what's your point of telling us this?" Asked Justin.
"Well, the general told me that being in the military would give us a chance to serve our country, and would excellerate our lives." Stated Jerry.
"I don't know dad, that last guy who said we could, excellerate our lives, took all of our money and is now in prison." Stated Max.
"Ha, dad doesn't make the same mistake four times, this time I'm sure the idea he has for our future is a level headed one, and we should trust him and get some more information on this." Stated Alex.
"Alex, you never support any of my ideas, why now?" Asked Jerry.
"Well, the military isn't your idea, the country is the one pushing it down our throats, so, if this whole thing doesn't turn out well, we can blame it on them and the Russos save face." Stated Alex.
"I'm with Alex, dad's stupid ideas are always fun to start out with, and we usually get at least one descent meal out of it, let's do it!" Yelled Max.
"I don't know about this, the military? I mean, people have been at war for thousands of years and it's never solved anything." Said Justin.
"Well, that's because they didn't have us, so let's go and see that recruiter!" Yelled Jerry.
"Alright, and if anything looks not right about it, we can just say no thank you." Said Theresa.
"Sounds good to me." Said Justin.
At the army recruitment center at the mall, the family was sitting in chair and speaking to the recruiter, who happened to be General Quaritch from "Avatar." "You men think you can be in the military, well, it's a cruel world, out there on the battle field. People shooting, kicking dirt and throwing grenades, anything that spits, drools, or rolls in the mud wants to kill you and eat your f***in' eyes for Ju-Ju Bees." Stated Miles.
"Uh." Said Theresa as she put the container of Ju-Ju Bees back on the table.
"So, what do you say, are you, maggots, ready to take that risk to serve your country?" Asked the general.
"Okay, first of all, don't call us f**gots, and second, about our lives boing excellerated, will you be requiring any money for this to happen?" Asked Alex.
"No, just your time, your sweat, and your blood." Stated Quaritch.
"Uh, according to some tests my blood is low on iron, and I'm on some medication for that." Stated Max.
"Well, we're not too picky when it comes to our blood." Said Quaritch as he picked up a cup of red liquid and began drinking it.
"Is that tomatoe juice?" Asked Jerry.
"Tomatoe juice, no thanks, I hate that stuff." Said Quaritch as he drank more of the liquid.
"Uh." Said Theresa.
"Ya, uh, this doesn't seem to be a very, uh, stable, operation, so I'm afraid we'll have to decline." Said Justin.
"We got plenty of recleiners at our bunker in Afghanistan." Stated Quaritch.
"Well alright, we're in!" Declared Jerry.
"Great, sign here, be sure to report for your two days of training, and be ready for the longest six months of your lives!" Declared Quaritch.
"Yes!" Yelled the family.
"Hu, went a little faster than usual." Said Justin.
"Enough back talk, we don't have that in the military, I once back talked to a Thantor, that's why my face looks so wierd." Stated Quaritch.
"I wasn't gonna say anything." Said Jerry.
"What's a Thantor?" Asked Justin.
"Just sign it!" Yelled Theresa.
"Alright, report tomorrow for training, and be ready to work!" Yelled Quaritch.
The next day, the Russos had just arrived for their first day of training. They were greated by general Quaritch. "Alright you little bitches, I could be your friend, but I won't be, I'm going to make these two days a living hell, when I say jump, you say how high, when I say cut off your arm, you say how much, when I say get me some beer you say, are you staring at me! I won't have people staring at me for all the blood in your veins, you got a problem with me son!" Demaded Quaritch as he stared down at Max.
"Uh, no sir." Said Max trying to hold back tears.
"Good, any problems with me will be considered, and solved with an all out ass woopin', so, anybody got any complaints?" Asked Quaritch.
"I found your name on an attempted murder charge, I was just, circ..." Started Justin.
"Ah!" Screamed Quaritch as he pulled out a cor-bar and swung it at Justin.
"Uh!" Screamed Justin as he fell back to miss the bar. "Any other questions?"
"Can I hit him next?" Asked Alex.
"No! Now let's get to it!" Yelled Quaritch. At the shooting range, Quaritch was going over the rules. "And then you line the dot with their forehead, and you shoot, and if you miss, you shoot again, until their dead, then shoot one more time!" Screamed Quaritch as he held a gun facing up in his hand.
"Ya, what about the types of bullets, don't cetain types of guns need a certain type of bullet?" Asked Theresa.
"I don't know who told you that, don't believe anything anybody tells you but me, it doesn't matter what kind of bullets you use, but who you use them on!" Screamed Quaritch.
"I'm sorry I asked." Said Theresa.
"You should be, now, somebody take this gun and shoot it!" Yelled Quaritch.
"I'll take it." Said Alex.
"Don't say what you'll do, I'll tell you what to do, now take this gun!" Yelled Quaritch.
"Okay." Said Alex as she took the gun.
"Ah!" Yelled Justin as he dove on the ground.
"Uh, ah!" Yelled Alex as she fired the gun.
"Ah!" Screamed a man as he fell on the ground from being shot.
"That was one of our finest men, worked here for sixty years, but that was a good shot, right through the fore head, I think we're ready!" Yelled Quaritch as he slammed the but of the gun on the ground and it fired. A bird fell on the ground. "Somebody fry that."
The next day, Quaritch was walking with the family. "Alright, in the military, you have to walk thousands of miles, thousands and thousands before you get to your camp, are you willing to walk thousands of miles before you sleep?" Asked Quaritch.
"I'd walk three thousand miles if it meant not sleeping in the desert." Said Jerry.
"That's the kind of enthusiasm I'm looking for!" Yelled Quaritch.
"Ha, uh, why would we have to walk thousands of miles to our camp, I don't even think Afghanistan is a thousand miles wide." Said Max.
"Don't ask questions, you stop to ask a question in the war and your head turns into cheese." Said Quaritch.
"What, do you mean?" Asked Theresa.
"I mean, that kind of cheese that has a lot of holes in it." Said Quaritch.
"Swiss!" Yelled Max.
"That's it!" Yelled Quaritch.
"Does your voice ever hurt from talking so loud all the time?" Asked Alex.
"I said don't ask questions!" Yelled Quaritch.
"Your voice hurts because you talk really loud all the time." Stated Justin.
"Yes it does, brilliant observation!" Yelled Quaritch as he took out a canister of whiskey and drank it. "Ah, that's it."
Later, in the base, Quaritch was screaming at the whole family in a bunker, and they all had on camoflauge suits. "You think it's easy in the military, do you think it's easy!" Demanded Quaritch.
"No, we have decided, over the last three hours that you have been screaming at us, that the military, is not easy." Stated Justin.
"Well, it's not easy out there, no matter what you think, there's guns, bullets, and wild dogs!" Yelled Quaritch.
"Wild dogs, you mean like, coyotes?" Asked Jerry.
"No, like, pitbull, wolverines, and werewolves!" Yelled Quaritch. "And they all want to shoot and kill you, that's why it's not easy!"
"Do you not want us to be in the military?" Asked Max.
"Of course I do want you to join the military, with all those people dying we need some new people to get killed!" Yelled Quaritch.
"This is the worst idea ever." Said Alex.
"What, us joining the military?" Asked Theresa.
"No, the military." Said Alex.
"Ha, we are in this to serve our country, and that six thousand dollars for our half a year of service helps too." Stated Jerry.
"Military is a sick place, with freaks, perverts, and insane weirdos!" Yelled Quaritch.
"I can imagine." Said Justin.
"Quiet Justin, or he might whip us again." Said Max quietly.
"If a man smiles at you, and you smile back, that mean you like him, an..." Started Quaritch.
"I think this guy's been hitting the AB+ a little too hard." Commented Alex.
Theresa stared at her with a blank expression. "I don't get it."
"Man, staring into another man's butt hole!" Yelled Quaritch.
"What's a Thantor?" Asked Justin.
"You already asked that!" Yelled Quaritch.
"You never answered me." Said Justin.
"He said you're a panzy, I don't think he should say that." Said Max.
"Ah!" Yelled Quaritch as he whipped Justin.
"Oh, my face, ah!" Yelled Justin as he rolled on the floor.
That day, at about three o'clock, Quaritch was speaking to the family. "These past two days of training have been intense, and you have all learned much about the military, and I am sure you're ready, tomorrow you head out to Afghanistan. We can all watch your training on the Internet, where I have posted it, on my Facebook page, at ." Stated Quaritch. "It has also been put, on the You Tube, so everybody can see, that the military is not for p***ys." Stated Quaritch.
"Ya!" Yelled Jerry as he threw his hands in the air.
"I hope they got that clip where Quaritch skinned that bird, that was the best part." Stated Max.
"Max, you realize that this isn't a video, it's real life." Stated Justin.
"Don't talk like that to your brother, or I'll go all Quaritch on your ass. That's right, I use those kind of words now." Said Theresa.
"So, are we done here?" Asked Alex.
"Yes, here are your caps and soldier skins, wear them well, dismissed!" Yelled Quaritch.
The next day, the Russos were riding on their plane to Afghanistan. It was a military camoflauge plane, it was beat up, ricketed all the time it was flying and there was a loud banging of its old engine. "This is hell, I can't wait to get to Afghanistan." Said Alex.
"This plane is like riding in an explosion, with all the shaking and rattling, and how it's about 300 degrees and going 300 miles an hour. Teach us to fly economy." Stated Justin.
"Ha, will you all shut up, we should be thankful that the government payed out way to go to a foreign country that hates our home state and is full of people who want to kill us, for that." Said Jerry.
"What did you say?" Asked Max loudly over the roaring of the plane.
"He said he's an idiot for making us go into the idiocy of the United States military, and how he's learned to think things over before he gives ideas because it gets us into messes like this, thousands of miles away, and it's really hard to hitchhike across the Atlantic Ocean!" Yelled Theresa.
"I don't think he was talking for that long." Said Max.
"What do you expect, it's a woman's natural instinct to talk longer than men." Said Justin.
"Ha, let's not talk all fancy like, this is the military, let's start talking with grunts to our voices and cuss a lot." Said Alex.
"Sounds good to me." Said Theresa. "Freakin' dumbasses, ideas like this always lead us to hell on earth countries, and more often than not we end up dead."
"Three words, that's the best you could do?" Asked Jerry. "And that's to be candid, one of them was freakin', and another was hell, they say that on the news all the time." Said Jerry.
"You're being invictive about grammer, you said candid." Stated Justin.
"Well you said vindictive and grammer, military people eat p***ys like you for dinner." Said Alex.
"Real military people don't eat dinner." Said Max.
"What, are you crazy, military people are tough, not crazy, depriving themselves of food." Stated Jerry.
"Wherever they are, soldiers always eat dinner, they eat crickets, scorpions and even maggots." Stated Theresa.
"I wonder how a f**got tastes." Said Alex.
"I said maggot!" Said Theresa.
"Maybe they eat those in San Francisco." Said Jerry jokingly.
"Ha all you f**gots, we're over the camp sight, time to jump!" Yelled the pilot.
"Jump, what is that military talk for land the plane?" Asked Justin.
"No, it's Robert talk for jump out of the damn plane!" Yelled the pilot.
"We don't have any par..." Started Theresa.
"Hurry, I don't drop off the soldiers I get my food rations eaten by the Navy men." Stated the pilot.
"F***in' Navy, come on!" Yelled Alex as she jumped out of the plane.
"Okay, we got rid of her, now what?" Asked Justin.
"Jump you bastards!" Yelled the pilot.
"Alright, see you dumbasses!" Yelled Jerry as he jumped out of the plane.
"Good luck bitches!" Yelled the pilot.
"See ya Robby." Said Theresa.
"Safe travels ma'am." Said Robert.
The group then jumped out of the plane. Thirteen thousand feet later, they had just landed on the ground. "Ah, s*** that hurt!" Yelled Alex.
"Teach you to jump out first!" Taunted Theresa.
"Uh, I'm okay, the ground broke my fall!" Groaned Justin.
"Who was worried about ya?" Asked Jerry.
"This is the desert, this isn't the camp sight, where's the camp sight?" Asked Max.
"Stop worrying, this is no time for worry, everybody stay calm!" Yelled Justin.
"Justin, shut up, or we'll cut off your mouth and eat it for dinner." Said Theresa.
"Sure you wouldn't rather have some f**gots?" Asked Alex.
"I said maggots! You f**got!" Yelled Theresa.
"Ha, there's no prejudice in the military." Said Jerry. "Now the men, find a place and rest, women, find us some food, and the blacks carry our bags."
"This is just like the Donner party, only with better clothes and a lot hotter." Said Max nervously.
"Okay, we'll develope a chain of hierarchy, the top eats the lowest ranked, and we work our way up, let's draw sticks." Suggested Jerry.
"Whoever has the shell is the leader, and we can only talk when we have the shell." Suggested Alex.
"What shell, where do you expect to find a shell in the desert?" Asked Theresa.
"Duh, sand crabs. I assume they have shells." Stated Alex.
A military hummer then pulled up. "Ha, I'm your ride, get in!" Yelled the man.
"Alright grab the bags." Said Jerry as he and the family carried the bags to the hummer.
In the hummer the Russos were talking to their commander. He was a thin black man who was clad in all camoflauge, he was thirty-five, but he looked older, because he had seen a lot. "Alright frest meat, my name is Sargaent Peppers, and it is my job to guide you through the dangerous terrain that is war. It's a cruel place, and I'm assured that most of you will be dead by the end of your service, but let's not think about that, what we have to think about, is the whole reason we're out here." Stated Sargeant Peppers.
"Mindless killing with little approval and no glory?" Asked Jerry.
"That's right, in the next six months it is your job to kill as many people as you can, but it will not be easy. See, the Afghanistanies have grown wise to us, they know where we work and operate, so they have rigged many precautions. So be alert, any thing, person or animal want to explode and kill you, don't trust anyone, and you'll be fine." Stated Peppers.
"Can we trust you Sargeant Peppers?" Asked Theresa.
"No ma'am you cannot, I do not even trust myself, I sleep with two eyes open!" Yelled Sargaent Peppers.
"So, what exactly is it like, you know, in the military?" Asked Max.
"Oh, it's aweful, there's no room to sleep, no privacy, little food. If you eat the vomit of that day's breakfast for dinner it will be the finest meal you eat all year. The best I've done in a long time is lunch, two weeks ago." Stated Sargaent Peppers.
"What about f**gots, ever eat one of them?" Asked Alex.
"Once, when we finally got to a city, a little salty, but you appreciate it." Stated Sargaent Peppers.
"Ha, do you ever get bothered by the fact that your organization is the most worthless one in the country and that it has never made any accomplishment in recorded history?" Asked Justin.
"Not too often, in my seventeen years of service it has never come to my mind, it may have been clouded by the collective amount of one hundred and two thousand dollars, I have made in my whole life." Stated Peppers.
"Whatever." Said Justin.
"This war will be our pride and glory, don't take it lightly." Said Peppers.
"What, there's a war?" Asked Theresa. "How long's this been going on?"
"Ten years." Answered Peppers.
"Oh, damn." Said Theresa.
At the camp sight, the Russos were unloading, and were still wearing the camoflauge suits. "Uh, hu." Said Alex as she unloader piles of camoflauge shirts and pants, and shoes. "I don't know about this whole, war thing, I mean, did you see that guy in the van, General Quaritch, what if after these six months we become like those guys, that doesn't seem like a healthy way to be." Stated Alex.
"Alex, those men have been in the military for years, at least, I don't know, they've had time for their brains to lose touch with reality and be lulled to insanity, that won't happen in six months." Stated Theresa.
"Ya, we've been in an insane setting in various places for seventeen years now, maybe not as insane as the United Stated military, but we've never gone insane." Said Jerry.
"If we're not insane, then how come pretty much everybody in the world acts different than us?" Asked Justin.
"Must have been something in those mandated tetanus shots we never got." Said Max.
"That musts be it, we're the only survivors of the human race, without us the entire species falls apart. Now let's get out there into the line of fire, and serve our country as human shields!" Yelled Jerry.
"My life doesn't feel any more excellerated, are you sure this is all worth, excellerating our lives. I mean, what does that even mean?" Asked Max.
"We'll know when it happens!" Yelled Alex. "So, what do you think the first step in excellerating our lives is?"
"Lunch!" Yelled Sargaent Peppers.
"Woo!" Yelled Jerry as he shoved Max on the ground and ran out the door.
"Uh!" Yelled Max as he fell.
In the mess hall, the entire army, who was the Russos, the sargaent, and about eleven other people, were eating lunch. "Mmm, mm, this is the best bowl of, unidentifyable food I've ever eaten." Stated Jerry.
"It's made from the meat inside of everything the scouts bring back here." Stated Sargaent Peppers.
"Sounds pretty stable to me." Said Theresa as she ate it and drank some dark red liquid.
"Is this what the military is, eating and sleeping all day at the state's expense of $200,000,000 a day?" Asked Justin.
"For as long as I've been serving." Responded Sargaent Peppers.
"What about shooting, and killing, were all those war movies a lie?" Asked Alex.
"Nope, there's plenty of that too, just not as frequent. You get two, maybe three good fights a year if you're lucky." Stated Sargaent Peppers.
"Sargaent Peppers, if that's all the military is, then what's the point of the military?" Asked Max.
"That's easy, nothing, there is no point to the military. It's just something the U.S put together to have an organized unit to assure constant war on earth, what'd ya thing nineteen eighty-four was about?" Asked Peppers.
"How did that get by us for so long?" Asked Justin sarcastically.
"Uh, sargaent, you probably don't want to eat that, I think it fell on the floor, somebody spat on it, and they put it on your plate." Stated Theresa.
"Ma'am, I have eaten much worse than this." Said the sargaent as he ate the meat. "I once at a jar full of change, from a penny dish at a gas station."
"Uh!" Yelled Jerry.
"Ha, we got an air raid outside, we got to move!" Yelled a colonel.
"Yes, this is it!" Yelled the sargaent. "Let's go shoot down some Stani plane!" Yelled Peppers as he pulled out a huge gun and ran outside.
"Ha, we're missing all the fun let's go!" Yelled Theresa as she ran and hit the wall.
Outside, the army were all shooting at planes in the sky as they dropped bombs on them. "Die, you filthy plane men!" Yelled Jerry as he shot at some planes.
"I don't know, I think some of those are American planes." Said Justin.
"Don't let loyalty to your country hold you back!" Yelled Peppers.
"What, I thought we were here t, ah forget it." Said Max as he shot at some planes.
"This seems pretty dangerous, I mean if those bombs hit us it could really hurt us." Stated Theresa. "I mean, I saw this movie, this guy got hit by a bomb and he had to take a cab to pick up his arm."
"Ya, maybe this wasn't the best idea, what about competative cup stacking, I hear people get payed through the nose for that, and after a long time I hear they supply you with the cups." Stated Alex.
"Ah, whoa!" Yelled Peppers as a bomb exploded by him. "Uh." He groaned as he layed on the ground.
"Sargaent Peppers, Sargaent Peppers!" Yelled Max as he looked over him.
"Oh, I'm fine, just get me to the E.R so I can get my arm sewn back on." Said Peppers as he picked up a cigar and smoked it. "Yep, that's some guy's finger."
The next day, the Russos were sitting in the hospital. "Wow, a lot of people get hurt in the war, why do they even have wars, they make the military a lot harder!" Yelled Jerry.
"Ha, we sewed Sargaent Pepper's arm back on, but he's not doin' too well." Said the doctor, who was the colonel.
"What?" Said Max.
"What's wrong with him!" Demanded Jerry.
"I don't know, you'd better come in, it's pretty disgusting." Said the doctor.
"Sargaent Peppers, what's wrong?" Asked Theresa.
"Uh, it must be that meat I ate, it's tearin' me up inside, I think one of my lungs and half of my liver is gone!" Yelled Sargaent Peppers.
"No no, what are we gonna do without our sargaent?" Asked Alex.
"Don't worry, I'm a survivor, I'll make it." Stated Sargaent Peppers.
"Good." Said Justin.
The next day the colonel came to the bunker. "Ha Sargaent Peppers is dead." He then left.
Jerry stood up. "This is horrible, now we have to face this war alone."
"Not if we leave, without anybody knowing it. I think that's legal." Said Alex.
"Sounds good to me." Said Theresa.
"I'm in." Said Max.
"Ha, I just got a memo, from no determinate person, we apparently shot down some important Afghanistan plane, guess the president was on it, and now they want to kill us!" Yelled Justin.
"Uh oh, they talked about those explosives, anything could be a bomb to kill us." Said Max.
"So what, we only have to get to the airport and fly out." Stated Jerry.
"Okay, but we have to be alert, this is going to be the most dangerous voyage of our lives, let's go." Said Theresa.
In the city, the Russos were walking, and they all had cell phones. "Okay, looks clear, keep moving." Said Jerry over his phone.
"Got it." Said Justin. There was a loud reflection because they were within five feet of each other.
"Do we really have to use these cell phones, I mean there's no reason for us to talk on them if we'll be within five fe..." Started Justin.
"Ha, that guy's got a phone, he's got a phone!" Yelled Max as he pointed at a fruit vendor.
"Okay, stay calm, he probably ju..." Started Theresa.
"Ha, put down the phone!" Yelled Jerry as he ran at the man. He looked, smiling at Jerry, as he dialed the phone, high enough for him to see. "Put down the phone!" Yelled Jerry.
"No!" Yelled Justin.
The man sent the call, and there was a huge explosion. "Ah!" Yelled Jerry as he jumped out of the way. "Oh, ah."
"Jerry, are you okay, that was a pretty big explosion." Stated Theresa.
"Ya, it could have been worse." Said Jerry.
"None of this ever would have happened if you didn't make us join the military." Said Justin.
"Don't blame this on me, I mean we, I mean, you guys, ya this is all my fault." Said Jerry.
"How far do you think the airpor..." Started Justin.
"That guy's got a phone!" Yelled Theresa.
"Sorry." Said Jerry as he put the phone in his pocket.
"Ha, I can help you folks to the airport." Said a man as he walked up.
"Ha, thanks." Said Alex.
"Ya, whatever." Said the man as he ran really fast.
"Follow him!" Yelled Max.
The family followed him for a long time, until they reached the airport. "Ha, thanks for helping us." Said Jerry.
"No problem." Said the man as he pulled a strap on his coat and he exploded.
THE END