Rape?
Legal definition
A defendant, A, is guilty of rape if:
A intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of B (the complainant) with his penis;
B does not consent to the penetration; and,
A does not reasonably believe that B consents.
Weekend
Harm's loft
They were both naked. She was on the bed, kneeling down. He was standing behind her, ready to strike. But then at the last moment … She pulled back. Screamed. Was ready to hit him.
Bewildered he stepped back,
Tuesday evening
JAG building
Mac took a deep breath. Did she really need to do this? Was it that serious she needed to see a shrink? Couldn't Harm and she solve the issue between them? She thought back to the previous weeks and slowly shook her head. No, they did need help. She raised her hand and knocked.
"Enter," came the voice of Lt. Cdr. McCool. Mac did as she said and saw the woman standing at the side table, pouring herself a cup of coffee. "Coffee?" she asked, gesturing with the coffee jar. Mac nodded gratefully. At least a cup of coffee would give her hands something to hold on to.
Both women seated the lieutenant commander asked "What can I do for you, Lieutenant Colonel?"
Mac clutched her cup. This was hard. "There is a problem…" she tentatively started. "With my … partner."
"Commander Rabb?"
"Yes. He is not only my colleague but also my ... partner," Mac explained. McCool nodded; she knew.
"Then I guess the problem is not work related."
"No. Due to fraternization rules we are on different departments now and hardly work together." Pensively she stirred her coffee before taking the plunge.
"Almost a month ago we were in bed. I wanted to make love and he was eager to join." She couldn't suppress a smile. "Most of the time we do it, you know, old fashioned, missionary style but this time I instigated another position. From behind." She blushed. It was not only Harm being uncomfortable to discuss their sex life.
"You mean, doggie style or anal?" McCool asked matter-of-factly.
Despite she initiated the conversation Mac gasped. "Doggie style," she brought out. She was definitely not into anal.
"Right. What happened?" These four walls had heard a lot of confessions and there was not much what could shock the psychiatrist.
"I couldn't. I pulled back telling him no. In fact, I was screaming at him." With a trembling hand she put down her mug. "I don't know what happened; what came over me but I rejected him." Biting her lip she tried to hold back the tears.
McCool gave her a few moments to recover, then asked "Was it the first time you had sex this way?"
"With him, yes. But I did it with previous partners."
"How does your partner take it?"
"Not good." And that is a huge understatement, Mac thought.
"How, not good?"
"He is withdrawn, on guard, not wanting to talk about it." No way was she telling about the physical effects.
"What do you mean, on guard?"
Mac thought. "Like he is waiting for the second shoe to drop," she finally said. She ran her hand trough her hair. "It's not as if it was something I didn't want. To us sex has been something like no holds barred unless it makes one of us uncomfortable." She looked at McCool to see whether her words made sense. In a strange way it felt good to be 'forced' to voice her thoughts. To sort out her feelings.
"There have been occasions before one of us suggested something the other didn't fancy. Or we tried something and one of us didn't like after all. It was never a problem. But this time… I reacted so strongly… I … panicked... I was ready to hit him, had he kept going."
She grabbed her cup once more and took another gulp of her coffee. "Harm is one of the most honest men I know. He would never force himself upon a woman, would never think of it. But now he feels like he did just that. That he forced himself on me. He is so disgusted with himself, can't believe I still want him around. And he is just waiting for me to find out, too, break up out engagement and tell him to get lost." Saying the words aloud she realised that was exactly what was happening.
"Are you?" McCool's voice interrupted her thoughts.
"Hell, no! I love him!"
"Good. Then what do you want from me?"
Mac felt silent. What did she want? The decision to see a shrink had been a spur of the moment. But even the 15 minutes they had been talking now had given her a new insight about Harm. Slowly she said "to find out why I reacted that way." She blushed. "As I said, I had sex doggie style before and it was never a problem. And suggestions, tools maybe how to discuss the subject with Harm."
McCool smiled. "It might take a few sessions. Are you willing to do that?"
Mac thought again. She was not keen on counselling, pouring her heart out to a virtual stranger. But she was at the end of her possibilities. She hadn't been able to reach Harm even though she had tried in every way she could think of. She was ready to fight, for her and Harm's happiness.
"Yes," she nodded.
"Right. Let's start then."
Weekend
Mac's apartment
Bedroom
"We have to talk"
Mutely he nodded, his head hanging low, his shoulders slumped, misery oozing from every pore. Mac heart ached for him but she knew she had to go on.
"Right. Let's start at the beginning."
Again a silent nod. It was clear he had thrown him self at her mercy completely.
"Tell me, how did the evening start?"
Harm relaxed somewhat. This was the easy part.
"We were home at around seven. I put a casserole in the oven while you showered and changed. Then you set the table and I changed. We ate. You wanted to play Stratego so we did. At eleven we made ready for bed."
Mac nodded. The evening had been pleasant and uneventful.
"Go on. In detail!"
"You went to the bedroom first." He vividly remembered with how much anticipation he had followed her. He knew she had visited a lingerie shop that afternoon and he loved to see her in a new tiny outfit.
"What next?"
"There were candles and an incense burner and soft music. You were standing next to the bed. You wore a soft green lace bra and panties." He only had to close his eyes to see her again. "You looked so lovely."
"What did I do?"
"You beckoned me over with a crooked finger and started to undress me. You kissed me."
"And you?"
"I kissed you back."
"Did I object?"
He shook his head.
"Did I object? Tell me."
"No, you didn't."
"And then?"
"I undressed you, caressed you, kissed you again."
"And I?"
"You did the same to me."
Another silence.
"Go on," she urged him.
"You stepped back and kneeled on the bed. You turned your six at me. I was ready, so ready…. And I thought you were, too."
Impatiently she tapped her fingers on the blanket.
"Go on!"
He took a deep breath. She could see all of his muscles were tensed.
"I was about to push my penis inside you when you pulled back, screamed no." Biting his lover lip he stared, not seeing the bed room, only seeing what had happened weeks before. "You were so upset."
"Harm?" He didn't react.
"Harm!" Still no response.
"Harm!" This time she placed her hand on his arm, squeezed it, using a bit of nails. He snapped back.
"Yes?"
"Tell me the definition, the legal definition of rape again."
Slowly Harm started. He knew the definition by heart "when someone intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person with his penis, when that other person does not consent to the penetration and the perpetrator does not reasonably believe that she of he consents." During his statement his voice had gone softer till it wasn't much more than a whisper and when he finished he gasped for breath like a swimmer after a deep dive.
"Did I consent in the penetration?"
He shook his head. "No, you didn't"
"Did you penetrate me?"
He shook his head again. He had stopped the moment she screamed no.
"What did you do?"
"I stopped"
"When did you stop?"
"The moment you said no," he answered.
"Before the moment I said no, was there any indication I didn't want sex?
Another headshake.
"Was there an indication I wanted to make love?"
He nodded.
"Answer me! Words please!" She felt like a brute, forcing him to talk about something he desperately wanted to forget. As soon as possible, if ever possible.
"Yes," he finally answered, then felt silent again.
"Elaborate! What indications?"
"You set the room with candles and a soft music, you wore nice lingerie. You told me to come to you. You kissed me, undressed me." He felt numb. What sense did it make?
"Who indicated the position?"
"You did."
"So you had every reason to think I wanted it."
"Yes." Still his voice sounded flat.
"Then what happened?" She had to get through to him, she had to!
"The moment I was to thrust in, you pulled back. You screamed no."
"What did you do?"
"I stopped."
"So you stopped. Why for heavens sake? Why would you stop when all signs told you I wanted it?"
This finally seemed to evoke a reaction.
"Mac, you can't really think I would have forced myself on you! I would never do that to a woman, least of all you!"
"So you stopped. You didn't penetrate me?"
"No."
"So when you had every reason to believe I wanted you, you didn't penetrate me, instead stopped the moment I told you so, how is it that you forced yourself on me? That you raped me?"
He looked at her like he couldn't believe his ears.
She slowly repeated "So when you had every reason to believe I wanted you, you didn't penetrate me, instead stopped the moment I told you so, how is it that you forced yourself on me?"
"I didn't." It was like his words surprised him self.
"What do you say?"
"I didn't." With a bit more force this time.
"You didn't what?"
"I didn't force myself on you. I didn't rape you."
Suddenly he deflated. Mac pulled him to her chest, cradling him in her arms. She felt his hot tears on her skin.
It took him a while before he lifted his head. "I didn't force myself on you. I didn't rape you," he repeated
"No, you didn't," Mac softly said. And to take every scrap of remaining doubt away "that night I slept in you arms, remember? Do you really think I would sleep in the arms of a man who assaulted me?"
The next weeks were hectic, to say the least. Lots of investigations, both small and high profile for Harm, lots of cases for Mac to judge. Weekends of separation, lots of days they only managed to kiss and snuggle before sinking into a deep and dreamless sleep. No time nor the energy to make love.
It was both annoying and a blessing. She longed to make love with him but although they talked about what had happened, it hadn't solved Harm's physical reaction, or better said, lack thereof. Mac knew it wasn't his physical condition; after all she felt his tumescence against her bum but as soon as he woke up and was realizing, it was gone. She knew trying to make love to him and have him fail would only make it worse.
As soon as she found time she scheduled another talk with Lt. Cdr. McCool but the psychiatrist couldn't give her a way to solve the problem. She recommended patience and leaving the initiative to Harm. So Mac waited.
Two weeks later
A moaning sound was heard. Covers were thrown aside. A flying arm hit Harm and with a muffled curse he sat straight, trying to determine what had hit him. It didn't take long to find the source of the disturbance. His fiancée was trashing besides him, clearly in the grip of a nightmare. Harm wasted no time. Softly he called her name, slowly increasing the volume. As soon as she seemed to respond he took her hands. "Mac, wake up. It's all right. You are having a nightmare," he repeated over and over.
It took Mac some time to pull herself out of the dark surroundings her dream had trapped her. She blinked and shook her head like she couldn't believe she was in her own apartment, lying in bed with Harm next to her holding her hands. Finally she heaved a deep sigh.
"What did you dream of?" Harm softly asked.
"I don't know. It was dark and I was alone and there were threats. Dark things lurking. It was like a maze and each time I tried to do something, tried to strike they eluded me," Mac tried to explain. She turned to him in a silent plea to hold her. Harm obeyed, pressing soft kisses on her hair. Finally she took a deep breath and pulled back. "Thank you," she whispered.
Ham knew she hadn't shed the gloomy feeling completely. He slowly pushed her down, then hopped out of bed and started to rummage through a drawer. After that he turned on the heating and lit some candles. In the mean time Mac was watching and wondering what he had in mind. Turning to the bed again he sat next to her and slowly and focussed started to undress her. Then he walked over to the dresser again, grabbed whatever he had been looking for and motioned her to lie on her stomach. He kneeled next to her and now it became clear what he had been looking for. Scented oil.
He applied some to his hands and started to massage her back with long strokes. Beginning at her neck he addressed every muscle, using soft pressure when he hit a knot. It didn't take long for Mc to surrender completely. She felt like she was melting into a puddle of goo, feeling more and more relaxed and more and more aroused at the same time. It had been so long ago he had touched her like this.
Slowly he worked his way down her body. Then he helped her flip over and, starting at her toes, he went up again until he was hovering over her, sliding his hands up and down her arms.
It was then when she realized his actions hadn't left him unaffected either. For the first time since that night his body reacted like it has always done. She felt his arousal pressing against her thigh, hardening increasingly.
What was to do? If she alerted him … Would he… It was difficult to think straight while his hands worked her body. Harm redirected his attention to her shoulders, then to her soft breasts, bending his head to kiss her nipples one by one. With an effort she lifted her arms and wrapped them around his neck, pulling him in for a kiss. He came willingly. She parted her legs. He nestled between and like he had done countless times before he slipped inside her. She wrapped her legs around him, holding him tightly.
She could pinpoint the exact moment he realized what was happening. He tensed, pushed himself up to look into her eyes. She gave him a warm, loving smile and bucked her hips against his.
For long moments their eyes locked. Then he started to move, slowly at first and then faster and faster, his eyes never leaving hers.
They lay silent, both enjoying their closeness. Suddenly Harm realized something.
"We didn't use protection," he said.
"I know. I … when I felt you … react I knew when I was to stop it in order to put on a condom, you would be aware of what happened. I was afraid you would … wilt again." He nodded. She was right.
"You could be pregnant?" It was a question and a statement at the same time.
"Yes. My period was two weeks ago, so yes, it's possible."
Harm was silent. After a while Mac became worried.
"Harm?"
He slowly turned his head towards her. His eyes were warm and tender. "I would love it!"
Five weeks later
"We are going to try some … hypnosis … today."
Harm frowned. He didn't like it. "Do you …" but Mac was already shaking her head. "No, I don't want you to go with me." She hastened to explain. "When you're around I will be too aware of your presence. What comes out might be … disturbing. McCool said I would want to protect you from … hearing things even though I'm under. I probably won't even be relaxed enough to be hypnotized in the first place. So you can't be there." She held his hand to her cheek. "I do need you afterwards, though."
"I'll drive you to and from your appointment," Harm said. It wasn't as much a question as a statement. He was not going to be left out on this.
Mac nodded "I would like that."
She sat next to him, crouched like a little sick bird. Lt. McCool had not wanted to tell him anything, insisting it had to be Mac's choice to tell him or not. He knew she was right. Even though he itched to ask he know he couldn't; Mac had to choose her own time. Inside he directed her to the bathroom to take a long hot bath.
"I'll make dinner," he announced.
"Don't bother. I'm not hungry."
Harm didn't like it but was wise enough not to urge. "I'll heat some soup," he said, "and make me a sandwich. If you change your mind …"
Mac nodded mutely. Food was the last thing on her mind, sick to the stomach as she was with what she'd learned.
That evening
She hadn't said anything. She had ladled her soup, not tasting anything, of that he was sure. They had watched TV but neither could recall what they had been watching. At 10 it was a relief when he suggested they hit the rack.
Mac was curled up under the blanket, like a little girl hiding from the dark.
"Do you need anything?"
Till his surprise she nodded. `A hot drink. Tea?"
Harm was already on his feet.
In the kitchen he decided for another kind of drink. He mixed the chocolate with a bit of sugar and a drop of vanilla, then he heated the milk and piled a handful of marshmallows on a saucer before carrying everything back to the bedroom. Hot chocolate with marshmallows. The ultimate comfort drink.
Inside he placed the tray at the nightstand and slipped under the blankets as well. He handed her her cup and waited.
"It wasn't me; it was my mother," she suddenly said. "But I was there. I witnessed …" She clutched the mug, trying to warm her cold hands. "And it was not my father. It was one of his friends. But he knew. He … he had been gambling. And lost."
"How old were you?" Harm softly asked.
"About five, I guess."
"It was only once?"
"Yes. Or so I think."
She was still for a while, trying to shake of the memories.
"She cried. She didn't want to. But she had to. Otherwise …" she felt silent.
"Otherwise?" Harm asked after some moments.
"Otherwise he would take me." And with that Mac broke down, crying uncontrollable. Harm had seen it coming but it came as a shock anyway. He felt his muscles tense and was more than ready to go and kick someone's ass, better even, strangle the man responsible for Mac's pain. But that was futile, the man was already dead and buried. For now the woman next to him had to be his greatest concern. Carefully, not to startle her, he took the mug out of het hands and placed it back on the nightstand. Then he pulled her into his arms, tucking her head in the crook of his neck. Mac held on for dear life, her slender body wrecked with sobs. Harm felt his own eyes moisten.
Finally her crying subdued and she pushed herself in an upright position, wiping her eyes.
"Sorry," she whispered.
Harm caressed her cheek and she turned her head and kissed the palm of his hand. "Nothing to be sorry about," he assured her. She reached for her chocolate and snuggled back in.
"I love you," she sighed.
"Love you, too. So much," Harm responded, grabbing his own mug and finding the contents cold. "Do you want me to reheat the chocolate?"
"No, I don't care. I want you to hold me." Immediately his arms tightened around her and he rested his chin on the crown of her head.
"It broke something in her, you know," she said after a while. "Her spirit. Before it was not that bad. My dad could come home fuddled once in a while and yell and bang his fist on the table but I never saw him hit her. There were lots of good times as well, quiet meals, a game, family outings. After … it was different. That's when the abuse started. And her …" she tried to collect her thoughts. "She withdrew from me. I guess that's why she didn't take me when she left him. I was a constant reminder of the rape and the humiliation and the way her husband had betrayed her, sold her out." Again the tears began to flow and once more Harm held her close till she calmed down.
After a while she turned to watch him. "Are you alright?"
"Besides wanting to unearth your dad and kill him al over again?" He smiled but there was no joy in it. "Yes, I am."
Now it was her turn to caress his face. "Harm, you have to let go. It's in the past; we can't let it ruin what we have now. Or our future."
Harm nodded. He knew she was right but he couldn't let go in the blink of an eye. It would take some time and he told her so. She nodded, knowing he was right. Both needed time to come to terms with this.
"Can I ask you a question?" he suddenly said.
"Of course."
"Why was it different with me? I mean, you told me you had sex like that before and you were fine with it." Despite his gentle words she heard the hurt and self-hate.
"I wasn't fine," Mac said quietly. "I didn't object."
"What do you mean?"
"First time it was with Chris," Mac recalled, referring to her long-time-ago husband Chris Ragle. "He liked it that way. I guess it made him feel … more masculine, in charge. Made him feel good. And so did John and Dalton and Mic." Harm had to refrain from screwing up his face; he definitely didn't like to dwell on Mac's previous relations.
"But when McCool asked me how I felt during … erm ... the act, I couldn't recall. I didn't know… didn't remember." She reached up to caress his face. "With you, I can remember every time we made love. Well, maybe not each and every minute but I know how I feel with you, how loved and cherished."
Harm listened intensely.
"With those others I … kind of zoomed out. Like I wasn't really there."
"But why is it different, with me?"
"Because you don't need me."
"Mac, that's not true!" he all but yelled, sitting straight. "I love you, I do need you!"
She saw the hurt in his eyes and reached up to kiss his lips. "Sorry, that came out wrong. I mean, you don't need me to entertain you. In all my previous relations I felt the need to entertain, to make sure my partner had a good time. Especially in bed. I felt responsible… Even though it meant I had to wear a mask or do things I didn't really want to. With you, it's different. I want to be with you, I love it when you hold me and when we make love but I don't feel the urge to …to …"
"To please?" he suggested.
"Yes. I want to make you happy but I don't need to please … I'm completely sure you can entertain yourself. I don't need to wear a mask. With you I can be me, I can say 'no' and still feel safe you won't get mad or leave me. But I can't zoom out. I have to … be there."
He nodded thoughtfully. "You might be right."
He took her hands. "Sarah, I will never leave you. I love you and I want you to be happy. If there is anything I can do to make you happy I will do it," he vowed, his face and voice more serious than she had ever seen. Mac fought her tears and wrapped her arms around his neck.
It was some time later Harm's reached for the lights. "Let's get some shut eye," he suggested.
But Mac shook her head. She wasn't ready for sleep yet. "Let just talk some more," she said. It felt so good, cuddled against his chest. Even though the previous weeks hadn't been that hectic, there had been little time for just the two of them. And she knew ... She drew patterns on his bare chest, toying with the little hairs she found there. "There is something," she suddenly said. "You have something on your mind that you didn't tell me yet."
Harm looked surprised. Her ability to see through him never ceased to amaze him. He slowly nodded.
"Yes, there is something. I was planning to tell you this weekend, I thought you had enough for today. It's just … maybe it's too soon." She waited curiously. After a few moments he continued.
"I was in Alexandria today, interviewing a witness. When I left the house the woman living next door came out, too, with a man. I couldn't help overhearing them."
Mac looked confused. She couldn't make head or toes from his story.
Harm turned towards her. "Sarah, I want us to be together. As in, real together. No more, your place and my place but our place, our home. That man was a realtor and the woman was putting her house on sale. It was just the home I always dreamt of. A house perfect for a family. So I approached her and asked for more information." He nervously looked at her. . But when you … we are only engaged for a few weeks. When you need more time… it might be too soon."
"No!" Mac said.
His face dropped. "I'm sorry."
"I mean, no, it's not too soon," Mac hastened to clarify. "I don't need a long engagement; I'd love to be married to you."
She would never forget the happiness on his face or the way he held her in his arms.
"I had a quick tour through the house and the realtor and I exchanged business cards. I promised to call him a soon as I spoke to you."
"You do that tomorrow," Mac smiled. "Or first thing Monday morning." She was silent again. There was another reason … but she didn't know how he would react.
"Spill," sounded Harm's voice in her ear. "I'm not the only one holding something back. Except for everything you found out today."
Mac raked her fingers through his hair. She shouldn't be afraid.
"You remember what you said that night five weeks ago?" He looked quizzed.
She bit her lover lip. Here goes nothing.
"That you would be delighted when …"
She could see the little gears in his head wheel. Slowly his eyes started to light up, then he reached a conclusion.
"You're pregnant? You're really pregnant?"
Silently she nodded, to emotional to talk. Suddenly she found herself in a tight embrace once more.
"I'm so happy," he whispered in a shaky voice. "I'm so happy."
Eight months later
The car stopped in front of a large, white, two story house. It had green blinds and a porch at the back, overlooking a spacious garden with a few trees and several flower beds. But neither the man not the woman had eye for them. Their only focus was on the little bundle wrapped in a light green blanket. Little Ashlynn Patricia MacKenzie Rabb, just two days old.
The end