Invaluable. Josh called me "invaluable." I don't even know if he meant it or just wanted to piss off Ryan, but…it meant a lot to me.
I sigh quietly and lean my head against the doorframe to Josh's office, watching him. He has no idea I'm even standing here. He hates when I do this, too; says it freaks him out when I skulk around in the shadows. He never bothers to mention that he's oblivious and frequently lost in his own world and that could be why he doesn't notice when I'm standing in his office.
I like to watch him work. There's something about it. He's intense, determined, and usually stressed to the breaking point, too, as he plays a mental game of Tetris and tries to fit all the pieces together, but somehow…it's all very beautiful. His mind is at work. It's always at work. He always wants to plan at least half a dozen steps ahead of every eventuality. It's actually quite amazing.
Not that I'll ever tell him that.
He lets out a long breath, staring at the file in front of him, scrubbing one hand through his oddly tidy hair, and for whatever reason, it makes me smile uncontrollably.
"Congratulations," I finally say. He jumps just a little, mostly playing it off as he looks up at me, stretching out his arms as he smiles.
"Hey." So eloquent. His arms drop back to his chair and he leans back, a cocky look appearing on his face. It's deserved, though—I'll give him that.
"You did it. You actually did it."
"Evelyn Baker Lang was the best person for the job," he answers simply, shrugging as if this whole thing is no big deal.
"Josh, we're going to have the first woman Supreme Court Justice in history and it's all because of you. I don't know if you understand just how huge this is."
The corner of his mouth twitches, but he doesn't tease me. Of course he gets it. He wouldn't have pushed so hard for it if he didn't get it. "I think I might have an inkling," he confirms, sitting forward a moment later, his face becoming serious. "But Donna…it's not all because of me."
"I know—Toby helped, too, and CJ, and I'm sure the President must have seen something in her, too, for him to—"
"And let's not forget your mom's cats," he throws in. "Remind me to send them Meow Mix or something."
"Sure," I answer softly, my heart sinking a little.
"Donna—it wouldn't have happened without you," he whispers. "I never would have thought of it if it hadn't been for you."
I can't help it; I feel my cheeks heat up and I look away. Josh isn't easy with his praise. He has extraordinarily high standards for himself and expects the rest of us around him to meet those standards, too. He doesn't praise people for doing their jobs, so it means a lot when he tells someone they've done a good job.
I tuck my hair behind my ear, forcing myself to look up at him. He has a strange look on his face, almost like…pride. I can't bring myself to look away from him.
He shifts and clears his throat suddenly, glancing down at the file in front of him, and I take a moment to regroup, giving myself a mental shake. "It's late. I'm gonna head home."
His head snaps up and for a second I think he's going to protest, but then he nods and closes the folder. He shoves some stuff into his bag as he stands, and I tilt my head at him. "I'll walk you out."
I almost comment about how early it is in Lyman hours, but I decide not to curse my good fortune. I grab my stuff from my desk and we walk through the quiet halls together, the building around us mostly deserted at this time of day. We head to the parking area without saying much, and the quiet is strange this time. It's thick, like it's filled with…something. Something indefinable. Something usually unspoken.
"Where the hell is your car?" he asks suddenly, looking around the nearly empty parking lot.
"I took the Metro today, like I do most days," I answer him slowly. He knows this. He knows I live just far enough away that if I don't leave at exactly the right moment, I'll be stuck in DC morning traffic for at least an hour. On the other hand, if I leave just a few minutes earlier than normal, I get to work an hour ahead of everyone. That part he doesn't know about. I don't need him encouraging me to get to work even earlier in the day.
"You can't take the Metro this time of night!" he yelps, looking wildly concerned, but I just roll my eyes.
"Today is different than any other day how? I always ride the Metro this time of day. Sometimes later."
"Donna!"
"Josh, this isn't news. I've told you before that I use public transportation."
"Yeah, but…" He sighs, looking pained. "Can I at least give you a ride?"
"That's not—"
He puts his hand on my back, gently ushering me toward his car. "C'mon. You know you don't want to spend forever on the Metro and then have to walk from the stop to your apartment.
I sigh. He's not wrong. I shrug and let him steer me toward his car, trying not to let my surprise register on my face as he holds the door for me. He's behaving strangely, but not in a way I can ask him about it without sounding psycho.
He pulls his car out into the empty streets, and I stare out the window, marveling at the city at night. I don't know if I'll ever get used to the fact that this is my home. The Nation's Capitol. The Washington Monument glows from across the Mall, filling me with a familiar sense of awe. I glance back at the White House, feeling pride rush through my chest. I work there—I may only be an assistant, but I help make things happen, even if it's only by keeping Josh on track.
He doesn't say much as he drives, seemingly lost in his own world for the moment. He's probably mentally grandstanding, thinking about what a great thing he's managed to do and how the world's a better place because of him. He's not entirely wrong, but his ego tends to run away with him, especially on days like this when so much has been accomplished. He taps the wheel as he drives, some tune only he knows running through his head.
If there's a song out there about being the manliest of men, I'm sure it's what he's thinking about right now.
"This neighborhood really kind of sucks, Donna," he says suddenly, and I'm surprised to see our ride is almost over. I really do forget how fast this trip can be without other cars to slow it down.
"It's better than the last one," I say indignantly, and it is. I can be a little sketchy at times, but nothing compared to living on the southeast side of the city.
"That's not saying much," he grumbles.
"What would have me do?" I ask irritably. "Pack into a tiny apartment in Georgetown with five or six of my closest acquaintances so that we can barely squeeze by with rent and flip a coin to decide whose turn it is to sleep on the twin-sized mattress in the alcove?"
He snickers, slowing down as we make our way further into my neighborhood. "You're giving me some interesting visuals to work with, Donna."
"You're disgusting."
He glances over at me, grinning from ear to ear, and I'm not sure if he's teasing me, or just that into his lewd thoughts.
"You're never going to find a parking spot," I tell him. "Just drop me off near my building, I'll be fine."
He makes a face. "My mother would kill me if she knew I didn't walk you up to your door."
I roll my eyes. "And who's going to tell her that you didn't? You think I'm going to get inside and call her up and let her know just how much of a gentleman you're not? Because if I was going to do that, I much better examples to give her."
He grunts noncommittally, slowing the car as he comes to an empty spot. His forehead crinkles as he puts his arm over the back of my seat, turning the wheel and backing in.
"What're you doing?"
"Parallel parking," he mumbles distractedly.
"This is blocks from my apartment." He makes a noise in agreement. "Josh."
"I'll walk you home," he finally says as the car starts to fit into the empty spot.
"Why? You really can just drop me off at the building. Hell, there's probably a spot even closer if you're that determined."
"I really can't talk and park like this at the same time," he says, pulling the car back into the street and trying again.
I sigh, watching him for a few moments before I can't be quiet. "Josh, if you walk me to my apartment from here, you'll have to walk all the way back by yourself."
"Yeah."
"You're the one always complaining what a bad neighborhood this is."
"Well, it is, but you're, you know, a woman."
I stare at him in shock. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
He's so busy concentrating on parking that he doesn't notice the look on my face. "Places like this are dangerous for women."
"But men are immune to it?"
"I can take care of myself."
"First of all, I doubt it. Second of all, are you saying I can't?"
His head snaps up then, his eyes growing wide, and he shrugs sheepishly. "No, of course—I mean…you know…it's dangerous! You shouldn't be walking alone at night."
"I just don't understand why you think you're any safer than I am. If there's a mugger out there, do you think he's going to see you walking alone in the dark and think, 'Can't jump that one—he's a man'? It doesn't actually work that way."
He grimaces and looks over his shoulder again, finally getting the car parked to his satisfaction. "Can't I just walk you to your door without it being a thing?"
I open my mouth to retort, snapping it shut a moment later. If this is how Josh wants to spend his evening, I can't stop him.
I wait until he cuts the engine and slide out of the car, glancing up and down the sidewalk just in case. My neighborhood really isn't as bad as he likes to make it out to be, it's just not a neighborhood like his. DC has its problems like any other city but, largely, it's safe. I scrimped and saved and cut back on a lot of things for a long time to be able to afford to live even in this area. I still go without a lot of things, but they were sacrifices I was happy to make for the ability to live on my own in a moderately decent neighborhood. Still…it never hurts to be vigilant. Honestly, where Josh parked is closer to my apartment than the closest Metro stop, so this is still a step up.
He pops up at my side suddenly, clicking the button on his key ring to lock his car, and we start walking. I glance over at Josh to find him staring straight out in front of him, and pull my jacket tighter around my body, doing my best to ward off the lingering chill of winter that doesn't seem to want to give way to spring. I should be used to it by now—anything goes with the weather this time of year. It can be warm and sunny during the day, and we'll get a foot of snow the same night, only for it to melt and feel like summer by the middle of the next day.
"Are you cold?" he asks suddenly, moving to pull off his suit jacket.
I can't help but grin as I shake my head. "No. I mean, well, yes, I am, but it's not that bad. We'll be there before you know it. I don't want you to freeze."
"Are you sure?" He holds the jacket out, leaning toward me, but I just shake my head again.
"Thank you, though." Once again, I wonder where this solicitous man has come from, but I can't bring myself to ask. He'll get indignant, and Indignant Josh is nothing but a pain in the ass.
Silence falls between us again, and it's disconcerting. It really isn't often that we don't carry on some sort of conversation.
"Nice night," he says, and I glance over at him. He's still looking straight ahead. His hands are shoved in his pockets. It's odd.
"The cherry blossoms are blooming," I add unnecessarily. He knows the cherry blossoms are in bloom. He has eyes, we passed quite a few of the trees on the way out here; my street even has a couple of trees, their petals bright in darkness. Of course, this is Josh, and it's possible he hasn't even noticed that it's spring, or that DC has been jam packed with visitors from all over the world, or even that we've had more visitors than normal at work.
He grunts noncommittally, and I'm not sure how to take it. I let the silence fall between us again, trying to let my mind wander while also staying vigilant.
"You'd think they'd spring for a few more street lights around here, maybe, you know, protect the residents just a little."
I just shake my head and shrug. He's not wrong, but there's not much I can do about it. The city has a backlog of repairs and additions to make, and, unfortunately, adding in a extra few street lights isn't at the top of the priority list.
His words from earlier rattle around in my head, sufficiently distracting me for a few moments. Josh thinks I'm invaluable. Well, he said it, at least, so I hope that means he meant it.
I sigh, slowing my steps a little. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Shoot."
"It's about what you said the other day."
"What did I say the other day?"
I feel stupid for even bringing this up. He really probably just said it to get Ryan out of his hair.
"Donna, what is it? Is something wrong?"
"You said…" My voice trails off. I can feel my cheeks heating up. I really wish I hadn't brought this up. Now that I've put it out there, though, he won't be able to let it go. "You said that I was invaluable, and I just wanted to know if you meant it."
He comes to an abrupt halt, stopping quickly enough so that I walk several more paces before I can stop, too. Even though the street lamps are few and far between, I can clearly see the shocked look on his face. "How can you even ask that?"
I shrug, actively avoiding eye contact. It's such a stupid thing to feel insecure about, but something about Ryan's dismissive tone, about keeping me around because I was good for details, has gotten under my skin. Most things about Ryan have gotten under my skin, not the least of which is the sleazy way he looks at and hits on just about every woman that crosses his path, but to imply that all I was good for was minutia while he was some sort of idea man hit a nerve that I wasn't expecting it to.
"You are completely and utterly indispensable," he says, reaching out to put his hand on my arm. "I wouldn't be able to do a fraction of what I do if you weren't here to make it all possible. Hell, Donna, we're about to have the first woman Supreme Court Justice and that's because of you." Finally, I force myself to look up at him. His face looks strange, pained, filled with disbelief. "Don't you know what you mean to me?" he whispers, stepping closer to me. "How can you not know?"
The air between us shifts again, feeling charged. I can practically feel it pulsing between us. It's enough to make my breath catch in my throat. "Know what?" I ask softly.
He moves even closer, his fingers tightening a little around my arm. His other hand comes up to my cheek, the backs of his fingers stroking my skin, his touch feather light. I think my heart is going to pound of out my chest.
I reach out, putting my hand lightly on his chest, just over his heart. I can feel it thumping erratically beneath my fingers. I step closer, close enough so that I can feel the warmth coming off his body.
His hand turns over, cupping my cheek, and I look up at his face again. His eyes are dark, the street lights in the distance illuminating him from behind just a little. His gaze flickers to my mouth and I lick my lips involuntarily.
His head tilts toward mine and I let out a shaky breath just before his lips press against mine.
My heart stops.
He's kissing me.
It's gentle and tentative, and so damn sweet I want to burst into tears.
He pulls back a few moments later, though just a few centimeters. He breathes heavily against my skin and I swallow the lump in my throat. I lick my lips again, this time tasting Josh, and it does me in. This time, I lean into him, kissing him without hesitation. I wrap my arms around his neck, holding him close.
One of his arms slides around my waist, pulling me tightly against him, though his other arm still cups my cheek. All thought, rational or otherwise, leave my head and all that's left is Josh.
Josh kissing me.
Me kissing Josh.
I sigh, my head angling automatically to deepen the kiss. Our mouths move slowly against each other, nothing like the first kiss I imagined we might share one day. It's better, though. I like that it's not frantic. We're just two people, kissing each other like it's something we do every day.
I think my heart is going to burst.
By some unspoken agreement, we break the kiss, pressing our foreheads together as we breathe deeply.
"Everything," he whispers suddenly.
My eyes fly open at the sound of his voice. "What?"
"You're everything."
I feel myself break out into a wide grin and I do my best to press my lips to his again for a few more long moments.
He tucks my hair behind my ear as we come up for air, tilting my face up to his. When my eyes flutter open, I'm not surprised to see him grinning at me.
"You want to…" he pauses, clearing his throat uncomfortably, "come back to my place? We could talk, or, you know, whatever."
"My place is closer," I answer without hesitation.
"Mine is better," he counters, brining up his other hand to rest on the back of my neck.
"Mine is still closer."
"You've got me there." He pulls me in again, both of us leaning in for the kiss this time. I stand up on tiptoes, pressing my body completely against his, and he makes a noise in the back of this throat. "Your place it is," he gasps suddenly. He turns toward the direction of my apartment then and starts to walk purposefully, keeping his arm around my shoulders.
I want to comment, tease him about being eager, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm eager, too, eager about whatever the rest of tonight holds.
My arm tightens around his waist and our steps fall in sync as we hurry toward my apartment and to whatever else is ahead of us.