After a long hiatus for a variety of reasons, I am now working on getting back to writing fanfiction. While I have a great many unfinished stories that do need completing from way back, I felt that coming back to writing deserved a new story all its own. I always enjoyed writing the humorous Bones stories, so this is what I am putting out here this time around. It takes place the day after Booth finds out that Bones is pregnant and he has gone to confession with Father Mitch. Needless to say, he is not too thrilled with Mitch's part of the "conversation". I am going on the assumption that Booth would have mentioned a time or two before the beginning of season seven that she was going to have to propose to him. I hope you enjoy this return to fanfic offering. Gregg
Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Booth sat in his SUV for a long time mentally going over what had just happened in his parish Church where he had been in confession. Father Mitch, of course, had been pleased to see him before ushering him into the confessional, where he had been noticeably absent for some time. After the Hannah debacle he'd been reluctant. Mitch, for some unknown reason, had been a fan of him and Bones getting together for years, so his view of the whole Hannah relationship had been one of him living in a den of pure sin and iniquity. The man had actually given him penance to do for adultery with the utterly absurd argument that Booth had admitted it sub silentio with his subtext. Even though he vehemently disagreed, he continued to go to confession until the relationship went down in flames. After that he had not been terribly interested in hearing a priest's version of "I told you so" in the confessional, so he had been missing in action until today. Starting the SUV he pulled out of the parking lot intent on having a little chat with Bones about this.
Opening the door to his apartment he had to smile. He could actually sense her when he got within fifty feet of her. No, seriously! But now was not the time to bask in the fact that he could bask in her gloriously HOT presence and not feel like he was doing something wrong, regardless of what his very soul told him about FATE. Nope, now was the time to begin sowing the seeds of the fact that her Boothy, which she insisted on calling him every once in a while to his mounting horror, needed to get a move on down the aisle of matrimonial stability and bliss. With her, of course, but it needed to happen. His immortal soul was on the line with this one. Especially when he was being given an unbelievable number of Hail Mary's, Rosaries, and Our Father's to say given Mitch's warped perception of the whole Hannah stuff. The man hadn't been too amused when Booth had tried to plead temporary insanity, and then just got downright rude when Booth had switched gears and tried to lay a good bit of it on Bones' pretty little head for her shooting him down in flames that one night in front of the Hoover Building. He was sure as Hell not going to try and shift the blame again on this one. He was sure that Mitch had doubled his already hefty penance when he'd gotten desperate.
"Bones, we need to talk," Booth said without preamble when he entered his living room and saw Bones there waiting for him. He then noticed that she had obviously been waiting for him with something definite in mind and froze. There she was sprawled out on the couch looking seductive as all get out without a stitch of clothes on. He gulped. "Oh my Lord you're beautiful!" he said in a husky voice. Junior was voicing his rather enthusiastic approval, too, by making his pants a bit on the uncomfortable side. Booth noticed Bones' eyes zeroing in on the goods, her laser like focus leaving no doubt what she was interested in.
"I think we have other things to do besides talking," Bones said as she stood and calmly, sexily sauntered over to him. Placing her arms over his shoulders and threading her hands through his hair she kissed him languidly, letting him know just how overrated talking was at that moment. Pressing herself firmly against him she could feel his impressive member against her abdomen causing her to squirm deliciously in his arms.
For some reason Booth's concentration on what was important here was slipping as Bones worked her magic on him. Talk about a totally HOT seductive vixen! It made him want to go and execute all her previous boy toys so the thought of anyone having enjoyed her delectable charms would be a distant memory! Now there was something he was supposed to be doing about now, but for the life of him he couldn't recall what. Instead he found himself being led into the bedroom where the next thing he knew his self control was completely gone while Junior and the Boys took over his voluntary reflexes, as well as the involuntary ones!
A few hours later, as Booth was on his back trying to catch his breath and calm down after the most amazing sex imaginable, it came back to him what it was he'd wanted to discuss with Bones. Before she'd turned the tables on him and totally rocked his world, that is. Turning his head he saw his Rosary Beads on the dresser and he groaned. It was like the Man Upstairs was deliberately trying to compel him to do something that he just knew was going to be a long, and sometimes painful task. Now how the Hell did one convince Miss Marriage Is An Barbaric Institution that marriage was not that, and that if she wanted Daddy (not that he would ever refer to himself as that as if she were a little girl and he had any kind of authority over her; he did want to live and actually have sex again, after all!) to ever have any free time again for the more, ahem!, festive side of the relationship then her anthropological hooey about marriage had to go by way of the Dodos! Otherwise she'd be spending all her free time watching him doing penance and he'd have to listen to all sorts of blasphemous claptrap about his "Imaginary Friend" as she so rudely referred to God.
"Bones?" he said quietly, and a bit nervously.
"Mmmmm, yes?" she replied languorously and rolled onto her side, placing her arm over his well defined chest.
He groaned as he felt Junior beginning to stir once more. The woman could bring a Eunuch back to life! At the rate his mind was racing right now he'd have to make some serious tracks back to confession for the second time in a single day! This was so unfair!
"We, uh, need to, uh, have a bit of a talk, Bones," he managed to get out, just barely keeping himself under control. He could barely manage a single coherent thought as she began to lightly run her nails over his chest and abdomen with an agonizingly slow, sensual pace that it was driving him nuts.
"Do we?" she asked, her voice like a quiet purr. She loved how easily flustered she could make him, but she was also very conscious of the fact that he could distract her with the ease of someone who was a master at manipulating the pleasure centers of a woman's body.
With one more quick glance at the Rosary Beads he firmed up his resolve, while forcing Junior to take a secondary role for the time being. "You need to get on the stick, Bones-" managed to get out before he found her suddenly on top of him straddling his lower abdomen, Junior becoming very interested all of a sudden.
"I like that idea," she told him, rocking her hips back a bit, feeling him nudge her with a certain piece of his anatomy.
"Not that stick, Bones," he said with a grunt. "The marriage stick. You gotta hop on board and make an honest man of me. It's time for you to Man Up, Bones, and propose to me."
She frowned down at him, letting her breasts sway enough to capture his attention. "Why would I do such a foolish thing?" she questioned. "First of all I am not a man, so there will be no manning up, as you so colorfully put it. Second, marriage is nothing but a misogynistic institution created to subordinate women as the property of men. I am no ones property, and am perfectly able to make decisions for myself. And one decision I am making is that I want to engage in sexual intercourse with you as much as possible to make for all the time lost."
"You're a living, breathing sex machine, Bones, but right now there are bigger fish to fry than your libido," Booth continued on doggedly.
"Are you comparing the female libido and sex drive to a fish?" she questioned.
"I meant we have something more important to deal with, like my immortal soul, which is right now on the chopping block, and I am piling on some serious penance as we speak!" Booth shot back. "Father Mitch is convinced I have created a nice little Den of 100% pure, Grade A Sin, here, and that I committed adultery while with Hannah. Add in his view that I am a pervert and sexual deviant and I'm drowning in Rosaries, Our Father's, and Hail Mary's!"
"But you didn't commit adultery when you were with Hannah," Bones pointed out.
"Exactly!" Booth said emphatically. Finally! Someone with an ounce of sense was seeing this his way! "So does that mean you're going to get it in gear and propose?"
"No, but I will be having a serious conversation with Mitch about his perception of reality and how he is unfairly using his office to create dissension in a newly formed relationship," she responded. "I will also remind him of the canonical rules regarding objectivity and also the concept of mercy and compassion which supposedly animate the penance element of confession."
"Absolutely not!" Booth said with genuine horror as he sat up straight, knocking Bones off of him. "I am a proud, God fearing Catholic, Bones! I was an altar boy! I have no desire to be excommunicated because my brilliant girlfriend delivers a verbal smack down on my priest!" He got his breathing under control and tried once more. "Now, about the marriage proposal. I think it would be good to do it out in the open with everyone there to witness me falling apart and kissing your feet in thanks. That way there's no possible way you could deny that you proposed. I'll even be magnanimous and allow the wedding to be outside in the open air so long as there's a priest at the end of the aisle waiting for us. Now I don't see how it could be any more fair than that."
"No," Bones said as she snaked her hand down to begin to distract Booth again. She disliked disappointing him, but she was adamantly opposed to marriage. Yes, she had seen examples of good marriages without the negative consequences she opposed, most recently Angela and Hodgins, and she trusted Booth without exception, but this was one subject where she was not objective, where her innate empiricism did not inform her actions.
Booth knew it was pointless to continue the discussion. He sighed, resigning himself to a mammoth portion of undeserved penance, but Bones was worth it. That didn't mean he was going to let the subject drop, though, anytime soon. "Alright, we'll table the discussion for now, but I reserve the right to bring the subject up again on occasion until you change your mind," he told her.
"That is a fair compromise, so long as you realize I will likely never change my mind, and I also unequivocally reserve the right to distract you from such meaningless attempts," she told him, slowly escalating her technique on him.
"I, uh, can live with that," Booth squeaked, letting Junior and the Boys take over for the time being. He knew he was going to be one tired puppy the next day, but ohhh was it worth it!
Across town Mitch was smiling as he thought about Seeley and Temperance. He knew he was being unfair to Seeley, but it was all in the name of a greater good. Those two deserved a happy ending, and the only ending that would ensure that, he was certain, was marriage. Hopefully by appealing to Booth's desire to not to be damned for all eternity. Naturally no such thing would ever happen to such a soul as Seeley Booth, but it didn't hurt in Mitch's mind to use that fear just a smidgen to aid the process of happiness and love being fulfilled. He would label his efforts to his confessor as his wedding present to them both.
Author's Note: Well, I hope you all enjoyed my returning foray to fanfiction. It was a lot of fun writing it, and while I need to turn my efforts back to my many unfinished stories, this one, I think, is a good first start at writing again. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Gregg.