So I was reading the first few chapters of MAX not Water Wings now, but MAX in big, obnoxious red letters. I suppose it's better than Water Wigns seeing as those are a form of retard flotation devices. But still, it's so...GUH to have a book named after the main character when the series is already named after her. Now it's Maximum Ride: The Final Warning and then Maximum Ride: MAX BTW it must always be all caps Max is just a name. MAX is a title. Anyway, this little schpeil on dissapointment is getting rather long so I'm getting to the point.
All the first chapters were so full of some gun handed dick and a lot of lovey dovey mush from Max about Fang. So I was thinking: What if Max went super-duper crazy over Fang and decided that some HUGE, horrificly drastic change was in order. What if, Max went girly?
So, without further ado, here's my take on the whole idea.
For Love And All That Other Insipid Crud
Fangiepookums! My darling, lets go for an early spring bycicle ride in this new two-seater I just built. We can play some Frank Sinatra in the background and maybe even buy some ice-cream! Fangie, Fangiekins where are you!"
Fang deadpanned as Max, in all of her newfound florally patterned glory, skipped by, unaware of his desperate hiding place behind the newly upholstered couch. With a sigh, he crawled out, slowly but surely making his way to the door in the hopes that he could fly out, hiding in some distant South American city for a few years. Just until all this blew over. Rino maybe, or somewhere in Cuba….
"There you are you disgusting little romanticizer!"
Damn, too late.
There was flock, angry as shit and wielding some rather pointed weapons that looked quite ready to injure him in any way possible.
"What the FUCK have you done to Max!?," Nudge screamed brandishing her two-by-four wildly towards him. She had made it herself, lovingly hammering in every nail in the hopes that it would gouge out an eye.
Fang backed away, arms up in surrender. "Look, I know this looks bad."
"Bad? BAD? Have you seen Max as of late Fang? Did you see that she was wearing a-a…"
Gazzy gulped, sobbing into Iggy's arm as he spluttered out the last word.
"…dress?"
Gazzy nodded as if it was a death sentence. "Floral patterned, with..ruffles."
"Oh, holy crap, wow…" Fang trailed off, preoccupied suddenly, with leaning back, very far away from the knife Angel was trying to hold at his throat.
"It's all you fault you know." She hissed, her voice dangerously quiet™, "you're the person she's doing this all for."
"You and your smooth moves and awesome hair™ have charmed poor Max out of her wits, she's head over heels in motherfucking LOVE with you man!"
"Well. You see. I'm more into Goth chicks…"
Fang was interrupted as Nudge broke her bludgeoning device against a nearby wall, "Fix it! NOW."
"But how am I supposed to do that? She's convinced that I'm hot for fucking, sixty's mother's or something, and I really, really don't want to deal with that."
"Too bad, sixty's or not she's still totally shag-able!"
Everyone froze, turning to stare open mouthed and wide eyed at a suddenly very pale Iggy.
Gazzy was the first to speak.
"Iggy you DOG, I didn't know you wanted it from MAX, that' fucking awesome ma-HOLY SHIT FANG!"
Angel sighed, throwing aside her sadly unused (and disappointingly unbloody) knife. "Fang, stop that. Put the knife down right away or else I'm going to have to hurt you."
"Dude, isn't that a butter knife?" Gazzy pointed out with exasperation.
"IT JUST MEAN'S I'LL HAVE TO STAB REALLY HARD! MWUHAHAHAHA!"
Angel sighed, tossing aside her (really very devotedly sharpened) knife and wondering bleakly if Fang was really that stupid.
"Fucking HELL! Get away from my Iggy you sick bastard!"
Nudge leapt forward, helped to look more impressive by climactically slow motion™. She landed upon Fang, letting out a feral war cry as she began to pound her sturdy (though the size of a small tangerine) fist repeatedly into his face.
Angel and Gazzy sat by, sipping root beer as they watched the insuring love-based carnage.
"Hey dudes and dudets, what's going o-," both blondes looked up in eerie unison as Ella, now dressed in a food stained jersey and brandishing a six-pack of ginger ale (the bottles kind of look like they could be beer…right?). The girl stood, mouth gapping wide as she stared at the three mutants, still caught up in there "epic" battle.
She paused pulling her baseball cap farther back over her head and grinning lecherously (which BTY is somewhat similar to a bunny trying to act lecherous).
"Dude, my birthday isn't until NEXT month!"
Angel's newfound anime form sweat dropped, contemplating on whether or not she should use her psychic powers to behead Ella just yet.
"What are they fighting in, is it creamed corn, PLEASE tell me it's creamed corn!"
Scratch the contemplation part, this bitch is going DOWN!!!!
Before Angel could act upon her bloody plans Gazzy nudged her in the ribs, whispering quietly into her ear.
"100 that they start making out."
Angel giggled, her violent thoughts distracted for a moment as she thought of something to top Gazzy's not so convoluted prediction.
"200 that he actually manages to stab Iggy with the butter knife."
Ella hissed through her teeth, popping open a ginger ale and slumping against the wall.
"500 they all end up naked."
Both blondes looked up at her in admiration before Gazzy spoke again.
"1000 Max tries to rescue her Fangiekins from certain death."
"That's Fangiepookums, by the way."
"1500 that Fang ends up looking like that guy from Tokio Hotel."
"The one that looks like a girl?"
"Oh yeah."
"Hey you guys, what's going on…and why is there blood all over the carpet?"
All three of the young peoples looked up towards Valenica Martinez in eerie unison, taking another sip of there respective drinks with the same unsettling harmony.
"Nothing," Angel said in unusually innocent voice, "Just watching the ultimate lovers showdown between Fang, Iggy and Nudge."
"I didn't know Fang liked Nudge."
"He doesn't."
Dr. Martinez blinked, making what she would of the vague statement and looking again towards the writhing Fang and Iggy with a new scrutiny. She shrugged, sighing as she leaned back against the wall, taking a ginger ale from Ella and letting a slow smile, dripping the evil and icy hot scorn, spread across her once naïve looking face.
"2000 that the house explodes before this is over."
"Nice," the all three hissed through their teeth, standing back to watch the carnage and appreciating every lude gesture and "forceful" shove.
Angel, finished with her root beer, grabbed a ginger ale, using her BRAIN STORM™ to pop off the top. Before she could partake in the wonderful amalgamation of fizz, copious amounts of sugar, and sudo ginger flavored water, Gazzy nudged her in the ribs again, voicing the question everyone had been asking for quite awhile.
Looking back, it was probably started when Ella began to act like a wannabe Frat-boy…
"Why is everyone acting so weird today?"
Angel shrugged noncommittally, unwilling to admit that she had any part in the release of the rabid brain eating turtle slugs.
"Dunno, must be something in the water…or something."
I want some of that water.
So bad.