Disclaimer: Not mine, which is probably for the best or they'd be in situations like this all the time. No money made.

"MURDOCK!"

. . .

"MURDOCK! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

. . .

"IT'S GOING TO BE SLOW AND PAINFUL! I MEAN IT! YOU. ARE. GOING. TO. DIE."

"Why do you think I'm hiding?"

"GOT YOU, you little—"

"Helpful elf? Like the ones who made all the cobbler's shoes? Or: you little personal assistant? Because that's what I am, you know. You run out of something, I get it for you before you even know it's missing! Like magic! Wait, that's back to the elves again—"

"You can't just DO something like that!"

"You just spit on me. Gross, Faceman."

"Gross? Gross? Do you even have the slightest iota of understanding of what gross is? Let me tell you. Let me tell you about gross—"

"You're still spitting. Why are your eyes all bloodshot? Were you crying?"

"Of course I was crying! How could I NOT cry? She was crying too—"

"And your cheek's got an interesting mark on it. Is that a handprint?"

"YES IT'S A HANDPRINT! She slapped me!"

"Oh. That's too bad. I know you were after her for a long time. Sorry it didn't work out."

"It didn't work out because of you! You and your . . . homemade . . ."

"Yes?"

" . . . homemade . . . I can't even hardly say it! Your homemade lube!"

"Oh yeah! How did that work out?"

. . .

"Facey? Earth to Face! Why are you glaring at me like that?"

. . .

"You keep grinding your teeth like that and the dentist'll give you a lecture."

. . .

"Murdock. Buddy. Listen to me. You cannot—CANNOT—mix Vaseline and cayenne pepper together and put it in the drawer next to my bed."

"But I thought women liked it when lube was tingly!"

"Murdock! Focus! Repeat after me! I cannot—"

"I cannot."

"—WILL not—"

"Will not."

"—mix Vaseline and cayenne pepper together—"

"Mix Vaseline and cayenne pepper together."

"—and leave the devil-spawned concoction for my best friend Face to accidently grab when he's with a lady friend, which makes for a very awkward and horrible moment, with non-stop burning and said lady friend hauling back and slapping the CRAP OUT OF ME—"

"Do I have to mimic the way your voice gets all high-pitched at the end as I avow this?"

"MURDOCK!"

"And leave the devil-spawned concoction for my best friend Face to accidently grab when he's with a lady friend."

. . .

"So . . ."

. . .

". . . you don't want to hear about my other ideas? I was thinking a whole line of products—"

"No! No homemade lube! Say it. Say it out loud!"

"No homemade lube."

"Good. Now leave me alone."

"You came looking for me!"

". . ."

"Ah. I get it. Discretion is the better part of valor. Not my favorite motto, but in this case—"

"Yes. Git."

"And seeing how the first trial of this product was a flop, mayhaps I should retrieve the second batch from B.A.'s drawer."

"MURDOCK!"

This is based on a true-life-action-adventure story, in which a friend and I had the brilliant idea to market our own lubes. But we wanted it to be cheap, so we could sell it at dollar stores. Also, I'm really tired right now, and it's hot, and I wanted to put my hair up but couldn't find a hair-stick and had to substitute a canine artificial insemination pipette instead. Hey, whatever works.