this entire story spawns from me spending $24 whole dollars on a slytherin notebook and not knowing what to write in it, so i decided to write the Untold Story of Draco Malfoy. this is also pretty much me writing harry potter but basically as the trailer park boys. this story uses my two favorite OC's of mine, Moss Ross and Sandal. if you're interesting in learning more about moss ross and sandal let me know and i'll see getting some chara bios up and linked or something. i dont actually think anyone is gonna read this. i hope no one does.

this story contains: drugs, alcohol, swearing, blood, random acts of violence.

meant to be taken as a show filmed mockumentary style, like trailer park boys or the office.

Chapter One: Eddie is a Fucking Loser With Five Jobs and Always Will Be

(The scene opens with Draco Malfoy lounging on the grass in front of Hogwarts. He has a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other.)

Draco: Yeah, ever since my dad went to prison, life's been pretty cool. I can pretty much do whatever the fuck I want now, and no one can really do anything about it. I've been breaking the law like crazy, fucking getting drunk and having a good time. I came back to Hogwarts, started growing some dope. It's pretty cool because not many people at Hogwarts grow dope, and the few people that do grow dope fuck it up and it's all shitty, so now everyone's coming to me, looking for some good dope, I've been making a ton of fucking money.

(Scene flashes to Draco hanging off a bag of weed to a Ravenclaw, taking their money and counting it before telling them to 'fuck off'.)

Draco: I've pretty much cornered the market for dope here, which is pretty cool. It's also nice to grow your own dope because then you don't have to worry about buying any, or running out. At first Professor Snape found out and he was pissed, but I pretty much told him to chill the fuck out and smoke a joint. Now that the old man's in jail, I've got no one left to disappoint, so it's pretty fucking fun.

(Scene pans over to show Moss Ross running across the courtyard to Malfoy, stopping when he gets there to catch his breath. He pants heavily and starts going into another one of his coughing fits.)

Draco: What the fuck man?

Moss Ross: (Gasping for air, coughing.) Sorry man, I ran all the way here from my dorm.

Draco: (pulling a cigarette from behind his ear) Well here man, have a fucking cigarette, relax, catch your breath.

Moss Ross: Thanks man! (He takes the cigarette and lights it.) Dude, I heard a rumor that McGonagall was trying to dig up dirt on you. I think she knows you're selling dope.

Draco: (Finishing his beer and crushing the can on the ground) Buddy, just let her try and dig up dirt on me. That old dragon slut won't fucking find anything. I'm too careful.

(Screen flashes to a private interview with Moss Ross)

Moss Ross: Yeah, Draco says he's careful about his dope growings and sellings, but I don't know if he's really as careful as he thinks. He's always leaving pipes and joints and shit laying around, sometimes during class hash coins fall out of his pocket. One time he put up flyers in the bathrooms for buy- one-get-one free joints. He put his name right on there and everything.

(Screen goes back to the two of them together in front of the school)

Moss Ross: Yeah, man, I'm sure you're fine. Fuck that old bitch anyway!

Draco: Anyway, enough with this shit man, I've got better things to worry about today than that snoopy bitch. I woke up hungover as fuck, so I'm already running late, and I still gotta get over to the liquor store to pick up some booze for the party tonight.

Moss Ross: We're having a party tonight?

Draco: Hell yeah buddy! We're celebrating. I got a C minus in my maths class. Fucking proud of myself, man.

Moss Ross: C minus? Draco, that's fucking awesome. Way to go buddy!

(He pats Draco on the back.)

Draco: Yeah man, my brain has been getting a lot smarter since I came back to school, I've been reading and writing and shit, getting more knowledge going in my head. It's pretty cool. C'mon man, I wanna change my shirt before I go to the liquor store, this one's got fucking grease or hash oil or something on it.

(It shows them walking away together. Next, the screen pans over to the outside of the liquor store. A couple bums are hanging out in front of the door holding brown paper bags with liquor in them and smoking cigarettes. Two cats are fighting in the parking lot. It switches to the inside, showing Draco and Moss Ross standing at the counter attempting to purchase six bottles of liquor from this kid Eddie.)

Eddie: C'mon, Moss, you know I can't sell that shit to you if you came with Draco, he's not 21.

Moss Ross: C'mon man, you know every time I buy liquor here anyway he's drinking it.

Eddie: I dunno man, you guys have made me lose three jobs in the past two months with this shit. I can't sell it to you.

Draco: Hey Eddie, why don't you fuck off? (He sticks up his middle finger and holds it in Eddie's face)

Eddie: C'mon, Draco, that's not necessary man. Why don't you guys just get out of here?

Draco: Or what? You gonna call the cops, Eddie? Call the fucking cops, send me to jail, I don't give a fuck. I'd love to go to jail, it'd be a great fucking time. If you're not gonna sell me this, I'm just gonna take it. (He grabs the bottles off the counter, bundling them in his arms.) Might as well take some other shit too. Moss Ross, grab a couple bottles.

(Moss Ross starts searching the store, grabbing as many bottles as his arms can hold.)

Eddie: C'mon man, you guys can't just take that stuff! You gotta pay for it!

Draco: Well I would have loved to fucking pay for it, dick clown, but you wouldn't fucking sell it to me. So now I've gotta steal it. Really, it's your fucking fault.

Eddie: I'm calling the cops on you guys, you better put down those bottles. (He reaches for the phone.)

Draco: Good, Eddie, call the fucking cops. I don't care. Moss Ross, are you done yet? Let's get out of here. When the cops show up Eddie you can give them my address, 184 Fuck Off Terrace, apartment Suck My Cock. Moss, let's go.

(the two exit the store and get back in the car.)

Draco: Fucking Eddie man, fucking show off. Oh look at me, I'm Eddie, I work at a fancy fucking liquor store. My mommy smokes crack! She's got a crack problem! Feel bad for me! I can't stand that guy.

Moss Ross: Yeah man, me either. Thinks he's so smart for working at the liquor store. You know he works like, five jobs right?

Draco: What a dick. Hey, is that Sandal? Pull over.

(Moss Ross's piece of shit Subaru pulls up to a stop in front a small, tan skinned boy wearing a hawaiian shirt who had been jogging down the side of the road. He's covered in little red bumps (wasp stings). Draco rolls down the window.)

Draco: Sandal, buddy, what are you doing?

(Sandal stops jogging, walking over to the window to give Draco a high five.)

Sandal: Oh, you know man, I came out here to practice some Naruto moves I've been learning from my game and shit.

Draco: Fucking sweet buddy. Uzumaki Chronicles?

Sandal: Yeah man, that one's my favorite game! My dad got that shit for me on Play Station when I was little, it was tight. Anyway though, I had to stop practicing, cuz I pissed off a wasp nest and they started chasing me and shit, stinging me and shit, it took me forever to outrun them dude. Like, three or four miles.

Draco: Oh shit man, is that's what's all over your skin?

Sandal: Yeah man, it was pretty fucked up. I'm just glad I'm not allergic to them anymore. You guys going back to Hogwarts? Can I get a ride?

Draco: You can always get a ride buddy, hop in the back, just push over those liquor bottles.

(Sandal gets in the back, having to move like ten bottles of liquor out of the seat. One of them falls on the floor. He sits awkwardly with one on his lap.)

Sandal: What's with all the bottles man? You guys rob the liquor store again?

Draco: Yeah, just got back from doing that, actually.

Sandal: That's pretty awesome. Was Eddie working?

Draco: Yeah he was. Said he was gonna call the cops on us.

Sandal: (laughs) Fuck that bitch! He's too strung out to use a phone anyway! Are we partying tonight, boys?

Draco: You fucking know we are man. Got a ton of booze, got a ton of weed. I got a C minus in my maths class today buddy. We're gonna get so fucked.

Sandal: C minus? Dude, you're like a fucking genius. You should totally tutor me man. I'll pay you.

Draco: Yeah man, just come over sometime.

(The scene fades to an overview of Moss Ross's piece of shit subaru pulling up to Hogwarts, which looks particularly beautiful under the setting sun. Moss Ross runs over a squirrel and his whole back bumper falls off. End scene)

(The scene opens to a wild party going on in the dungeon. There are mad people there, everyone was getting drunk and stoned, there was even a white rapper who was DJing and rapping. Draco, Sandal, and Moss Ross are standing together, drinking liquor.)

Moss Ross: Man, this party is awesome. Look how many people came!

Sandal: Yeah, it was pretty fucking smart of you to put of those flyers Draco, good thinking buddy!

Draco: I just did what I had to do to get the word out, you know, I don't think anyone should be deprived of having a good time, getting fucked up.

(Someone walking by yells 'Hey Draco congrats on your C minus!' and highfives him as he passes.)

Draco: Thanks buddy! Anyway, you boys want to smoke a joint?

(He pulls out a joint that's not rolled very well but is fat as fuck)

Moss Ross: Jesus christ, Draco, that's gonna get me stoned for the next two days!

Draco: I know buddy, it's gonna be fucking awesome. I mixed some fucking hash in there too. It's gonna be great. (He lights the joint and they pass it around)

(Suddenly, the door at the top of the dungeon swings open. It's McGonagall.)

McGonagall: That's enough everyone! This party is over!(Crowd booing, groaning. The white rapper stops rapping.) Everyone needs to get back to their dorms, immediately! 40 points from every house! Get!

(The crowd begins to thin out as people are shuffling and stumbling back to their dorms. Draco is pretty pissed, and he puts the joint out on the ground. He, Sandal, and Moss Ross are last to leave the room. McGonagall starts speaking as he walks by her.)

McGonagall: I know this party was your doing, Mr. Malfoy. If you don't get your act together, there are going to be serious consequences.

Draco: (Getting worked up) You can't just assume I threw this party, that's completely fucked! Who said I had anything to do with it? I just came here to have a good time, get fucked up.

McGonagall: There are balloons that say "Great job, Draco!" on them.

(Camera pans over to like fifty balloons floating on the ceiling, all congratulating Draco)

Draco: Yeah, so? That could be fucking anybody. That could be a typo. You don't have shit on me, you couldn't prove anything in a courtroom of the law. Now if you'll excuse me, I wanna go to the roof and chainsmoke with fucking cigarettes, since now I'm all pissed off and stressed out.

(Moss Ross and Sandal both comfortingly pat Draco on the back.)

Sandal: (Whispering) It's okay, buddy, don't get upset.

Moss Ross: (Whispering) Yeah man, it's not worth getting upset over. C'mon, let's go to the roof.

Draco: (Sniffing) Yeah, you boys are right. Let's go. We still got half a joint we can smoke.

(The screen fades out with McGonagall looking really pissed as she watches the trio head up to the roof. She whispers to herself, "I'm gonna get those shitmoths.")

(Private Interview with McGonagall. She's in her office, drinking liquor from a bottle.)

McGonagall: The thing with Draco, and all his little friends is that their shit saplings. They're stupid little shit saplings, always looking for a place to settle down and plant their shit roots, and you want to know why? So they can grow into a great, big, shitty shit-tree. And drop their shit fruit on the ground. But you know what? 'M not gonna let them plant their shit tree here. 'M gonna come up with a plan to get rid of those shit saplings once and for all. Make Hogwarts a shit-free school again. (She takes a large pull of her bottle.)

—
(Screen changes to Draco, Sandal, and Moss Ross hanging out on the roof, passing a joint, smoking cigarettes, drinking liquor.)

Sandal: Dude, I'm telling you guys, there is no god.

Moss Ross: That's fucked up, dude.

Sandal: No, man. Just think about it. If there is a god, how could Neil Patrick Harris be gay? It doesn't make any sense?

(Moss Ross and Draco ponder this thoughtfully.)

Draco: That's true man. Niel Patrick Harris is fucking gay. I just don't see what that has to do with God being real.

Sandal: Look, according to the actual Bible, homosexuality is a huge sin, right? So i'm just saying, the fact gay people keep popping up all over the place just goes to prove that God isn't real and never was. I mean, think about it man. Neil Patrick Harris. Sam Smith. Glee. If God was real, he wouldn't be letting any of that shit fly.

Moss Ross: You know, that's actually a really good point. I didn't think about Glee.

Draco: Fuck boys, I don't know much about religion or God, but I'm pretty sure I've had to do everything on my fucking own without some old beardy cocksucker helping me from the sky. It's bullshit. If God is real, he's a fucking asshole. Probably wasted out of his fucking mind, too.

Sandal: If I were a god, I'd be wasted all the time. Like the fucking Greek Gods and shit.

Moss Ross: The Greek Gods got wasted?

Draco: Yeah man, they were always getting wasted and fucking banging each other. It's why everything got so fucked up, the whole civilization collapsed. You can't just be getting drunk and fucking all the time, sometimes you gotta use your brain to think for a while instead. I didn't get my C minus in maths from sitting around drunk all fucking day boning my cousin. And people wonder why the Greek civilization collapsed. Fucking stupid.

Sandal: Yeah man, people are stupid. Hey, did you guys notice that no girls would talk to me tonight? Do you think it's because of the wasp stings?

Draco: It could be, man. They look pretty infected.

Moss Ross: Yeah, and what do you mean you used to be allergic to them? How are you not allergic to them anymore?

Sandal: I dunno man, every since I started drinking heavy nothing really seems to affect me anymore. My body is like, really sterile because of the alcohol. It just kind of kills everything off.

Draco: That makes sense. Those stings look nasty, though. Do they hurt?

(Sandal shrugs and lights a cigarette.)

Sandal: It hurts pretty bad, but I'm pretty fucking drunk so it doesn't really bother me. Is the one on my face bleeding, though?

Draco: Yeah, a couple of them on your face are bleeding. They've been doing that on and off all night. Hey, you boys want to start a fire?

Moss Ross & Sandal: Fuck yeah!

Moss Ross: What are you going to burn though? Did you bring anything?

(Draco scans the roof, seeing nothing good to burn.)

Draco: We could just burn our shirts, I bet they'd burn pretty good.

Sandal: Great thinking, dude. This is why you're the brains of this whole operation.

(The three boys rip off their shirts and Draco uses a wand to light them on fire, and casts a charm to keep them burning. The camera starts to show a montage of their night with In the Aeroplane Over the Sea by Nuetral Milk Hotel playing in the background. It begins with them sitting around the fire laughing, drinking, smoking. Then it shows the conversation turning more serious, and all three of them crying. Then it shows Sandal telling them all a ghost story, and they're getting really scared. Then it shows Moss Ross accidentally falling into the fire, catching his pants on fire and freaking out, running around the roof on fire. Sandal tries to put him out by splashing liquor on him but the fire gets worse. The montage ends with the three of them passed out on the roof in a pile, surrounded by empty bottles, cigarette butts, and 3 raccoons curled up sleeping with them.)