America was very nervous and pointed at the wrong places on the map, speculating on where Russia was planning to attack them. Norway groaned and Denmark tried to not laugh out loud. NATO was Serious Business with capital letters, yet somehow it always ended up like this.
"I don't think Norway plans to invade you," Greece said, looking at where America was pointing. "But one never knows... Did something happen today?"
"Russia told me very weird... things," America said. "I think he must be planning to invade me. I can't imagine what he was trying to say otherwise."
"I think I can imagine some things," France said.
"Don't confuse the poor idiot boy further," England said.
"I've got a lot more money than you!" America protested and then there was nothing more military related said the entire meeting. Somewhere else the bosses were doing something more useful. Maybe. For the safety of the free world Greece hoped so.
Greece often wondered what Russia was doing at the other side on his Warsaw Pact meetings. Russia knew very well were America was located on the map but he was even worse at listening at other people than his rival. It must be equally productive and exciting.
He tried very hard to not even look at Turkey. Of some reason their fighting made the others outraged and shocked. But what had they expected?
World meetings were even more exciting. Watching the feuding powers pour each other coffee and pretend like they didn't want to tear off each other's heads, fun for everyone.
Greece glanced over at Russia's side. Bulgaria had been very subdued and pale since he got under Russia's influence. It was a common malady plaguing Russia's satellite countries. None of the others looked healthy either. Sometimes Greece felt grateful he didn't go down that road, there might be more sensible arguments against being one with Russia than how the communist star would make his flag look chaotic.
Greece found himself drifting over to the enemy side, trying to find someone who would meet his eyes. It was a bit of a problem, Russia didn't like his minions having free access to the world outside. But his history with Bulgaria was slightly different, Greece wasn't surprised when Bulgaria was the one who dared to pay attention to him, even making small talk.
"How are you dealing with Turkey?" Bulgaria asked. "I feel bad for you, I can throw Russia at people who annoy me at the moment..."
"Good enough," Greece said. It was nice to see he cared. "But I hate having to go to the same meetings as he does... Sometimes I wonder how that happened."
"You should have tried harder to be communist with us," Bulgaria said. "Then you wouldn't have to."
Greece good mood faded considerably. He didn't like to get into that.
"How are communist working out for you by the way? I think it's cute with the star everywhere. Even on your hat."
Greece poked on Bulgaria's military cap for emphasis, well aware how creepy Bulgaria found it and how crazy Bulgaria would look if he yelled hands off. There was a lot of other nations around and their conversation looked very friendly from a distance. Russia must have insisted everyone had to dress like they were preparing for war, America and England strongly preferred if everyone did but there was no explicit order. Some of the neutral nations looked like they just fallen out of bed. Probably to make some kind of point.
"It's an awesome fashion statement," Bulgaria said in the same tone he would have said fuck off. "One Russia and I share. Maybe you should try to be less of a spectacular asshole for once. It know it's hard, but try to practice."
Greece took the cap and tried it on himself. A bit too big, not unexpected.
"Do you think I would be a cute communist?"
"Sometimes I hate you so much," Bulgaria said. "If I punched you in the face like you deserved everyone would freak out over how evil communist countries are. You're endlessly smug and annoying and not nearly as awesome as you think and go ahead imagine you're so much better than my side, we all know you're both incompetent and stupid. Come on, you must know I'm not exactly in a position to invade you or pick a fight over all the territory you stole from me and yet you keep on goading me and-"
"Hm... Have you been hanging out with Prussia again?"
It made Bulgaria overuse 'awesome' and get weirdly turned on by hats with spikes on. Thinking about how he felt his neighbors had stolen what was his made Bulgaria rant like a crazy person no matter how he had been hanging out with.
Bulgaria took a deep breath, snatched his cap back and pretended like his previous emotional outburst never happened.
"Usually we drink a lot and hate the five year plans. It's a thing over at our side. Like how you and I used drink and hate Turkey."
There was a long awkward pause as Greece considered it. Maybe he should be less smug and annoying.
"Do you want to go get something to eat and talk about how much we hate Turkey?" he suggested. "It's not a trap. Even if it sounds exciting now when I think about it. Maybe I could interrogate you about the Warsaw Pact's evil plans. America would like that, it's very spy movie."
Bulgaria made a gurgling sound.
"That was my plan. But alright, why not? I know somewhere we can go."
Greece agreed. It had potential to go very wrong but the idea of it going very right was too tempting to ignore.
Bulgaria lead the way to somewhere nice to have dinner and chat in private. Wherever they were going it was far off, Bulgaria probably considered it possible to get a bit more intimate than eating together too.
"We could order something to my hotel room," Bulgaria said.
"We could," Greece said. "Privacy is nice."
Bulgaria went in first, Greece followed right behind. He didn't get far into the unlit room before he felt a hand closing over his throat. He cried out and kicked, only for the hand to squeeze harder, until lack of air made his struggles die down. Bulgaria didn't move, Greece looked at him to see when he was coming to help. From Bulgaria's bemused expression the answer was clearly 'never'.
His assailant let up the death grip a little.
"Oh Russia," Greece mumbled. His throat hurt and he didn't need to try to look around to guess what was going on.
"Did you think I was joking abut the trap?" Bulgaria said, smiling evilly.
"Hello Greece," Russia cheerfully said, like he wasn't trying to suffocate the person who was supposed to be his friend.
"Can we talk about this?" Greece said. He put one hand on top of Russia's, desperately fighting the urge to dig in his nails and kick Russia in the balls. Not stepping up the violence would be a much smarter.
"That's the idea," Bulgaria said. "Let's talk about NATO's evil plans."
Russia tightened his grip a little for emphasis.
"In our last meeting America pointed at Norway as a possible base for a Russian invasion," Greece said. He felt more angry than anything else, this was very unfair. "That's the kind of things we do all day. You should spy on our bosses instead. I think they can read maps."
"We do that too," Russia said. "Now we're asking you."
"This is stupid!"
It was just as crazy as America grabbing Prussia and shaking him for being loud and cocky and on the wrong side and probably knowing more than he let on. Oh. That was this must be about. Of course Russia was as insanely paranoid as America and just as frightened. He could be thoughtlessly cruel at times, like now, but he was hardly the incarnation of evil. Greece felt like kicking himself for not seeing that coming.
"What did you think would happen?" Bulgaria said. "I'm completely at loss why this worked."
"Would you believe me if I said I hoped for some angry hate sex?"
Greece had felt pretty excited about it, he heard it was good. He loathed Turkey too much to consider him but Bulgaria felt adequately hostile without being too hateful.
"...I can never tell if you're joking or not. I thought I screwed this up completely when we started to fight."
"You're cute when you're helplessly angry like that. It's irresistible."
Russia giggled.
"You two should try to be nicer to each other."
That was one thing Greece never expected to hear while abducted by the evil communists of America's nightmares.
"I try harder," Greece promised. "Can we stop this nonsense now?"
Russia said nothing and Greece wished he could see his expression. Bulgaria shook his head and the next moment Greece found himself thrown face down at the bed. He complained quietly no no avail as Russia tied his hands behind his back. He pushed himself up to a sitting position the moment Russia was finished and let go. Russia was smiling pleasantly, giving Greece few hints of what they had had planned, if they had planned at all beyond this point.
"Okay," Bulgaria said. He looked more comfortable next to Russia than Greece had seen him in a long time. It would have made him glad to see the Warsaw Pact nations weren't unhappy all the time but it would have been even better if he could have noticed that during a nice dinner or something. "Let's get back to the main topic. We like to hear more about where America plans to put missiles next."
"I don't know! I don't know any good NATO military secrets at all. And I wouldn't tell you if I knew. I know my own but I'm not going to tell you about them either."
Russia and Bulgaria looked lost. They must not have thought this cunning plan all the way through after all.
"Hm," Bulgaria said. "Maybe you should hit him with the pipe."
Russia brought his scary pipe from somewhere beneath his coat, studying it nervously. If it was Prussia and Bulgaria instead Greece would have been afraid but he didn't believe Russia would beat him for real. If he got angry all bets were off though, Greece didn't plan to push it by channeling England and tell him to go back to his kolkhoz.
"Here," Russia said and gave the pipe to Bulgaria whose expression turned into one of horror. At that point Greece started to get a little nervous. Maybe Bulgaria could work himself up to hit him in the face with the pipe to prove he was tougher than Russia. He stared intensely at the pipe, wondering if it was just rusty or if there was spots of blood left on it...
"It's actually a faucet pipe," Greece said, willing to share the insights his staring had given him. "In case you're interested..."
Bulgaria continued to hesitate, giving Greece plenty of time to ponder how much it would hurt to get hit with a faucet. He started to wonder if he should make up some military secrets.
"I wouldn't feel comfortable using your favorite weapon," Bulgaria finally said and handed it back to Russia.
The faucet pipe disappeared back into Russia's coat.
"Try to help us out," Russia said in the nicest voice possible and took Greece's face in his hand. "Bulgaria made an effort and I would feel bad if we didn't get anything out of this..."
"I think you would had more success if you tried to get me drunk and seduce me."
"Prussia offered to do that with Italy," Russia said. "It was very considerate of him but I turned it down. I don't think even Italy's boss tells Italy any military secrets. You should have done that instead Bulgaria!"
"It would have been fine with either one of you really," Greece said. Bulgaria didn't deserve the sole blame for the terrible plan. "Assuming I had something to tell you in the first place of course. You should have Prussia seduce England instead. Maybe you can see this as a learning opportunity of what doesn't work? Then it wouldn't be completely wasted."
Russia looked thoughtful. Greece made a mental note to warn England later. If England didn't annoy him too much. He didn't feel charitable right now when his wrists hurt. And Russia was still millimeters away from his face. It was time for the serious threats.
"Russia... If you don't let me go I'll tell-"
"America?" Bulgaria interrupted. "Oh, please."
"Belarus and Serbia," Greece finished. "I tell them you two molested me."
Russia made a frightened noise. His little sister never took it well when someone got in the way of her incestuous affection. Serbia would never admit the incestuous affection and always claimed Greece and Russia were like his brothers but his jealous rage could be as bad as Belarus's.
"That was a low blow," Bulgaria said. "But I'm not scared of Belarus and Serbia."
"I think this was a bad idea Bulgaria," Russia said, because he was. "I'm going to ask Prussia and Romania for spy advice from now on. Threaten Greece a bit and let him go."
"I wouldn't know where to start to explain this to someone else," Greece said. "Just untie me and let's all forget this ever happened."
"Something like that," Russia agreed. "Greece and I are friends and if we're going to abduct someone we should find someone we don't like."
"I think it would be better if you didn't do that at all..."
Russia ignored Greece's opinion and gave Bulgaria a few more instructions about what to think about when the meeting continued. Greece wondered if they realized they ended up giving him much more information than they received in return.
"See you later," Russia said and disappeared before Greece could yell at him to untie him first.
Bulgaria looked amused again, whatever he had been thinking he had sorted it out now.
"Well, this ended up weird," he said and sat down on the bed next to Greece. "I thought it would be fun."
"Didn't you have fun?" Greece couldn't help notice he was still tied up and Bulgaria sat very close next to him.
"Could have been better. I feel a little bitter over how you would have signed up for hate sex with me and I didn't take advantage of the opportunity."
"Another time perhaps. The chance passed for now."
Bulgaria smiled in an unpleasant way.
"I think the initiative is on my side."
When Bulgaria grabbed his chin he wasn't nearly as gentle as Russia had been. But it was the perfect introduction to the hate sex he imagined when Bulgaria kissed him. It was brutal and dominating beyond what Greece even dreamed of, even after it ended Bulgaria kept his iron grip and smirked triumphantly.
"You should tell Serbia I molested you," he said. "You and Serbia are cute when you're helplessly angry too and you're going to be, anyone who wants to get to me has to go through Russia first. At least one advantage of being forced to join the Warsaw Pact."
Next Greece was pushed back down on the bed. He wasn't sure what to expect but when Bulgaria cut the ropes around his wrist he felt deeply relived.
"Maybe I'll get another opportunity to molest you properly," Bulgaria said.
"I can't wait," Greece said, loving the way Bulgaria reacted as he took the initiative for another kiss.
They both laughed, because really, the situation was absurd. To get this caught up in Russia's and America's games was crazy when they were used to play their own.