For my dearest cousin Cara, my light and my inspiration. Rest in peace.
"Reisi, I'm dying, aren't I?"
Reisi desperately tried to avoid the searching blue eyes of the man lying on the hospital bed. He could feel hot tears stinging his eyes, but he needed to remain strong for Saruhiko's sake. He succeeded until he felt a palm against his cheek, stroking it lightly. He held it there as the tears overflowed.
He became a doctor to save those who matter to him. But he couldn't save the one who mattered the most.
He shook his head in denial. No, he couldn't let go of the one he'd loved for more than half his life. Reisi collapses against the side of the bed, crying against Saruhiko's chest as Saruhiko stroked his head.
"Reisi. Reisi, look at me."
It took a while before Reisi finally met Saruhiko's eyes.
"How long?"
Reisi's voice cracked as he whispered, "A week."
Saruhiko closed his eyes and sighed. He pulled Reisi closer and buried his face in his shoulder. Reisi could have sworn he heard him murmur I wish it wasn't so soon.
Loosening his grip on Reisi's shoulders, he said, "When it's time, just let me go. I don't want to hang around neither dead nor alive."
Reisi nodded numbly, disbelieving of how passive Saruhiko's reaction to the news was. When he made the diagnosis, he was completely shattered by the grim prognosis. He searched for a second, third, even a fourth opinion, but they were all the same. He could do nothing.
When he went home that night, the house felt even more empty because he knew he'd never again smell Saruhiko's cooking from the kitchen, never again hear the rustling of manuscripts or the clacking of that odd letter 'E' on the computer keyboard from Saruhiko's study, never again see the familiar sight of Saruhiko asleep on the couch when he tried to wait up late for him, glasses adorably askew.
Reisi broke down in tears once again when he climbed into their bed which now seemed too large. He pulled the pillow that still smelled like Saruhiko close and held it as a poor substitute for his warmth.
The next morning, he packed a small bag containing everything he'd need for a week and called in for one of the small overnight rooms to be prepared for him. He was resolved not to leave Saruhiko at all.
It was excruciating to watch Saruhiko grow weaker and know that there was absolutely nothing he could do. After one day of not being able to concentrate on anything, Reisi took to sitting beside Saruhiko and just holding his hand.
Sometimes, they'd talk as if nothing was going to happen, as if they were just waiting for Saruhiko to be discharged and nothing more. Neither of them brought up the topic of what was going to happen; neither wanted to.
Sometimes, when Saruhiko was sleeping, Reisi studied his face and how much he'd changed since they met in junior high. Twenty years ago, he would never have expected to fall in love. Then again, he never expected love to end so soon. Saruhiko looked so vulnerable without his usual thick-framed glasses, even more so with the weight he'd lost. He was so frail that at times, Reisi was afraid that he would break if he held him too hard.
Reisi took to curling up next to Saruhiko at night. It was rather cramped on the hospital bed, but Reisi couldn't bear to leave Saruhiko, and one pleading look from him was enough to convince Reisi to stay by his side. They slept as they always had, Saruhiko in Reisi's arms, face buried against his chest.
Time grew short as the week drew to an end. Reisi held on to Saruhiko tighter than ever, praying for a miracle he knew would never happen. He whispered I love you into Saruhiko's ear every chance he got.
He woke in the early hours of the morning to see Saruhiko struggling to breathe. His first instinct was to go for the nurse call button but he remembered Saruhiko's request and stopped himself. He hugged Saruhiko for what he knew would be the last time.
"Reisi…" Saruhiko whispered between heaving gasps.
Reisi choked back a sob as he heard Saruhiko's last words on a whispered exhale. Reisi, I love you.
The funeral passed in a haze for Reisi. He was surprised at how many people came, seeing as Saruhiko was a recluse notwithstanding the fame he enjoyed as a celebrated author. Most surprising of all the guests was a dark-haired woman who bore a striking resemblance to Saruhiko. Reisi's eyes widened slightly as she murmured 'thanks for taking care of my brother' to Reisi just before she left.
Reisi was still in a daze as he went home and headed directly to the room which reminded him the most of Saruhiko, the small study right at the back of the house. The unbound manuscripts still fluttered slightly in the soft breeze. A previously unnoticed addition to the room caught Reisi's eye.
He somewhat recalled Saruhiko mentioning that he'd received a copy of his newly-published book right before he became ill. Reisi reached out for the book on the table and was slightly shocked to see a collection of old photographs of himself and Saruhiko on the front cover. The title was simple, as Saruhiko's titles always were. It was simply Hope. Reisi turned to the front page and his eyes watered as he read the dedication lines.
For Reisi, the love of my life. I live for you alone. Every breath I take, every moment I'm awake, you're right there beside me.
The book turned out to be the story of their relationship written as a collection of letters from Saruhiko to Reisi. Reisi couldn't read more than a few pages before he set the book back on the table. The gaping wound Saruhiko's death had left was still too raw for him to relive their time together.
A piece of paper jutting out from the pages of the book caught Reisi's attention. The jagged edge of the thick manuscript paper and Saruhiko's cramped handwriting brought unbidden tears to his eyes.
Minutes later, he'd crumpled on the navy beanbag Saruhiko kept in the corner of the study, sobbing uncontrollably, manuscript paper next to him.
Reisi,
By the time you read this, the inevitable has probably happened. If hasn't, you wouldn't have found this. You know I don't mince words, so I'll just be blunt. I know I'm dying. And if I didn't, the look on your face is enough indication that my health isn't as good as you want me to believe. Of course, I'm not happy about this. Who would be? I guess it's time for me to tell you everything you probably never knew about me.
You already know I was abandoned as a child, but I never told you why. I was abandoned when my sister was born because my parents didn't want to have to care for a son they thought wouldn't live past fifteen when they knew they could have a daughter who would give them everything I couldn't. Yes, you read that right. From the start, I was told it was okay if I never tried at anything because I'd never live to see how far I'd come anyway. No one thought I'd ever amount to much and I was always the kid who got marginalized and I was forced to watch everyone else do what I always wanted but never got the chance to.
Then, I met you. You remember how I kept rejecting your invitations to go out the first year we met each other? I didn't want to get your hopes up because that was the year I was supposed to die. And yet, here we are, twenty years later. You may or may not know this, but you were the one who gave me a reason to live. You were the one I could look up to, the one I could always depend on even though you speak in riddles and have this strange obsession with puzzles. You were there for me through everything.
One memory I'll keep forever is the first spring we spent together. You practically dragged me out of my tiny apartment to see that old sakura tree. That was the first time you told me you love me, and that was when you saved me. I remember collapsing against you and holding you close. You'll never know how much that meant to me. With those simple words, you completely changed my life.
There are times when you hold me while you sleep and I lie awake thinking about what will happen when my time is up. You always wake up to me trying to hold back tears and I always tell you I had a nightmare. I never told you that it wasn't something in my dreams. It was my own waking thoughts that tortured me. You always hold me closer and tell me that everything will be okay and I just don't stop because I know it won't.
I wish I didn't carry this curse, but there's nothing anyone can do about it. I don't know when my time will be up, so I'll just cherish whatever time we have left. And when it is, don't grieve for too long. Remember me, but don't let the memories take over your life. One thing I've learnt from the years we've spent together is that every day is precious and you never know when your last day will be. I want you to live your life to the fullest and not be weighed down by my passing.
Munakata Reisi, my light, my saviour and my love, I've loved you since the day we met, and I'll love you until the end of forever.
Saruhiko
A/N: I'm probably going to take a pretty long hiatus after this. I need the time to sort out my life again and make sense of everything before I can even think of writing again. I'm still kind of reeling from the shock and I'd rather not speak about what happened. I just need time.
And to everyone who's reviewed my other works or PMed me, I'm sorry I haven't replied to you yet. I've been very busy and I'll reply to them soon. I guess you can take my replies as an indicator that I might be starting to write again.