I stepped off the hovercraft that brought me back to District 12. Well, what was left of District 12. Haymitch close on my tail. He had been sent back here as well to be my guardian. I suppose that was feasible for the girl who just killed Alma Coin. Another Snow in my mind. The wind whipped around us reminding me that the change in season was upon us.
I don't look back as I felt the hovercraft lift off leaving me here in the Victor's Village. Half the Village gone because of the firebombs. I hate to see what the rest of the District look like. I vaguely remember coming back here to see it while I was in 13.
My boots crunch the fragile leaves that are scattered along the sidewalk. Fragile like my life. Like the way Peeta's life is. Like how his mind is. Ever so fragile that it could break with enough force. Even more so, like Prim's life that was savagely taken from away because of a time lapse bomb that killed dozens of children.
No, no ..can't think about them right now.
My mind shattered from all the guilt that laid upon my breast. The beating heart that held so much life in it less than two years ago was a poor imitation now. It beat. Only just enough to keep me alive. Should I have died? Yes, I think so. Maybe then, things wouldn't be this desolate. I shake my head. Things would be worse. Either way, I would lose Prim. Either to firebombs or starvation.
Nothing matter anymore.
Stopping in front of my assigned house, I didn't hear Haymitch stop as well. He had been quite observant since I was released. Only after weeks later, I would realize that it was he and Peeta who fought for me. As well as a Dr Aurelius-whom I've been told I need to call-I won't. He knows I won't. Even Haymitch knows I won't.
"Well, I'll see ya sweetheart." I hear Haymitch whisper. Like he didn't want to leave me alone. Alone with me demons. Alone with my guilt. I didn't say anything. Didn't even acknowledge him. He sighed and I could hear him walk away. I stood there in the gusty wind and wait until I hear his door close. When it did, I force my feet to walk the ten feet to the front door.
Grasping the handle once I made it, it was cold. Twisting the handle, I push the door open and I was greeted with silence and stale air. The house looks the same. Everything still in its same place. Like we had never evacuated. Never left for 13. I took the coat off, the same one that Cinna made me and drop it where I stood. I couldn't bear to look up the stairs. My mind praying that I would see Prim come running down the stairs to greet me.
Finding the living room, I take a seat. Kick off my boots that would lay there for weeks to come. The couch that I sat on when the 75th Quell was announced. The throw blanket that was meticulously draped across the back of it twisted in my hands and I wrap it around me. Leaning against the soft throw pillows i'm sure my mother placed I closed my eyes. Praying for sleep that I know when it comes, it won't last.
I don't know how long I sat like this, but the first time I notice movement in my house, I was found hiding against the wall behind the couch. It took hours, I think, to convince me that I wasn't going back to Captiol. That whoever was in front me was friendly. Eventually, I came out and sat back down on the same couch.
My place of refuge. The only place I sat there for so long that when I finally got up, there was an indention of my ass that I'm sure would never come undone. I was lost. Lost so far into my mind that I was sure I would never escape the labyrinth of my mind. I couldn't breath on my own. My lungs did it for me because I have given up.
Given up.
The girl on fire. The girl that fought for so long and hard for survival had vanished. What was left was a husk. The life of a former human left alone in her own mind to die. Die of what? I wasn't sure. Maybe of dumb luck. Yes, I'm sure that's how I would go out. Pure dumb luck. Snow tried many times to kill me and somehow I managed to survive.
Some time during the day, I could tell it was day time because there wasn't a lamp on. I couldn't handle the dark. The dark was where the monsters came out. Where the ghosts of Prim, Finnick, Rue, Cinna...everyone haunted me. They would stand in a circle and I could hear their blame. I never hear what they wanted to say. Only what I imagined.
There was a noise in the kitchen. A rattling sound. I knew it couldn't be Sae. She was there long enough to cook for me and try to force food down my throat. Some days she was successful; others, not so much. I was wasting away. Penance for my crimes.
The noise kept on and there wasn't anyone around to tell it to go away. So, after weeks of sitting, I stood up. My body screaming at me. Everything in me hurt from disuse. I stagger toward the kitchen stopping every so often to catch my breath. Even walking was taking its toll on me. When I reach the kitchen, sunlight streaming through the window that had been left open, I saw what was making the noise.
Buttercup.
That mangy feline has found its way home. Only to find me instead of Prim. well I had to disappoint him, but she wasn't coming home. Ever. Never in this lifetime and I'm sure never in any other. We stand there. Watching each other. Hunter to hunted. I don't which of us moved first, but I'm sure it was Buttercup.
He meowed a sad song to me. His eyes asking me where she was. Why she wasn't there to scratch his ears and feed him scraps of food.
"She's not here." I croak.
He just stared at me and meowed.
"I SAID "she's NOT here!" I scream at the cat. He didn't understand. "GO AWAY!" I scream again. Grabbing the first thing I could, I begin throwing things at him. My anger and pain bubbling over me like a tidal wave. Like the one I saw in the last Arena.
"JUST GO! Please...She's not coming back. Prim's dead!" I sob collapsing to the floor. The hard cold flooring unlike the soft couch that I have been designated to. My sobs continue for ages before a brushing of fur distracts me. Buttercup had come to me. For the first time since I let her keep him, he came to me willingly.
Picking him up, he let me hold him close. His meows and my cries synchronizing with one another. Rocking back and forth we both cried for her. Cried for the life taken from her. First my father, then Peeta, then her. I don't know how I was ever going to survive this.
Letting him loose, I stood slowly. I can hear every joint pop and every muscle ache from disuse. Slowly, ever so, I turn and creep back to my spot. Sitting back down on the couch, my body sighs in relief. Tucking my legs under me, I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
Days and nights become blurry to me. I don't know what the time is. I don't know what the month is. Or the season. I'm just there. Still trying to find my way out of the labyrinth that I'm afraid I'll be in for the rest of my life. I must have fallen asleep because when I awake next. I hear a noise. And not just any noise.
It's coming from outside. Instinct tells me to hide. Hide so no one can find me, but curiosity tells me that I should at least look. So, I stand. My bones, muscles and joints yell obscenities at me. Wrapping the blanket around me, it's become my security blanket from the evils of the world. As long as I'm wrapped in it; nothing can hurt me.
Opening the front door, the noise is louder. I look around and see no one. Nothing. But there's the sound again. This time I hear breathing. I know it's not Haymitch. He wouldn't dare be outside. Not in the daylight, at least. So, I took a cautious step outside. Squinting from the bright sun that looms in the sky, I know it's weak but it's still to bright for me.
Taking another step, I feel like a foal just trying to learn how walk. It's embarrassing but there's nothing I can do about it now. When I reach the end of the steps, I listen again. The sounds are closer and the breathing is erratic.
I continue my way closer to the sounds. Then, like a mirage in the desert, I see it. It's a human. It's male and he's digging in my yard. Not the vacant house beside mine. Or Haymitch's, but mine. I gasp quietly and the man turns around. My eyes go bleary for a split second. My heart stops then restarts itself. My blood runs hot then cold. I can't believe it.
It's Peeta.
He's come home. Home to District 12 where he could have went anywhere. Why would he be here of all places? What does he have to come back too? Haymitch? I snort to myself. We stand there looking at each other. Much like what me and Buttercup did days and days ago. No one speaks for a long time.
I must look a fright compared to him. I haven't moved or showered or changed my clothes in weeks and he looks healthy-if not a bit thin-and tired.
"I figured I'd plant these. For her." He manages to say to me. My eyes dart to what's in his hands. It's flowers and I swear to God if they're roses, I'll kick him. But they're not. They're evening primroses. For Prim. My Prim.
"You're home…." I choke.
"I came back yesterday." He simply says.
"You're home." I say again before sprinting away and slamming the door of my house. Leaning against the door, I look around and see that this place wasn't a tomb anymore. I would recover. I would learn to live again. Make things right with the world and maybe one day Prim would forgive me.
All because he came home.