BRIAN, THE GREAT DOG DETECTIVE
By Wile_E2005
DISCLAIMER: "Family Guy" is owned by 20th Century Fox Film Corporation, and created by Seth McFarlane. This is based off the 1986 Disney animated film "The Great Mouse Detective." This is intentionally different from Darth Ben Valor's similar fanfic, which I enjoyed, and wanted to do a version that mostly focuses strictly on the Family Guy cast and settings. Enjoy!
Chapter 1:
Meet the Protagonists
The story began on a foggy night in Quahog, Rhode Island. It was almost as foggy as London back in the late 19th century. The Quahog clock tower could be heard striking the hour, sounding very similar to Big Ben, as a dog in the distance was barking. A horse-drawn carriage traveled slowly down the street, the horse sneezing and softly whinnying, the sign on the carriage reading "QUAHOG HORSE-DRAWN CAB COMPANY." The horse and carriage passed a small shop, reading "GRIFFIN'S HAPPY-GO-LUCKY TOYS"…
Inside, Meg Griffin was celebrating her birthday with her kind toymaker father, Peter Griffin, adjusting his apron.
"You know, Dad," Meg said, "this is the best birthday I've had in a long time!"
"Aw, thanks Meg," Peter said, "But I haven't given you your present yet!"
"What is it? What is it?" Meg was excited.
"Now close your eyes," Peter instructed, "and I'll know if you're peeking!" Meg did as she was told, and then Peter set down a toy resembling a large blue flower bud. He wound the key, and a soft gentle tune began to play.
Meg gasped softly as she uncovered her eyes, and watched as the bud opened to reveal a handsome-looking Justin Bieber-esque boy playing a keyboard.
Meg squealed in delight. "Oh Dad, you made this just for me?"
Outside, a small sinister figure was approaching the toyshop. Despite his small size and his peg leg, he uttered an evil laugh…
Back inside, Meg was hugging Peter. "Oh, I love you dad! You're the most wonderful father in the whole world!" But then the door handle began to jiggle. The door was locked, but the handle began to rattle more intensely. It was clearly obvious that it was an intruder. "What's that?!" Meg gasped in fear.
"Holy crap, I don't know," Peter said, also obviously nervous. He quickly whisked Meg into a nearby closet and shut the door on her. "Stay in here Meg, and don't come out…"
Suddenly, a nearby window burst open, smashing all the nearby toys around it, as a menacing cackling baby's face jumped through the window, with freckles, wild red eyes, and a black cap pulled over his small tuft of red hair. This was Bertram.
From inside the closet, Meg could hear the struggle of Peter against Bertram. Meg could hear Peter scream, "MEG! MEGGGGG!" After a few minutes of crashing and yelling, the sounds died down and the lights behind the door went out. Meg opened the door, and looked around. The shop was in ruins, and Peter was nowhere to be found.
"Dad! Where are you?" Meg cried, looking around. "Daddy… Where are-a you?" She climbed to the window. "Daddy?! … DADDY!"
…
Family Guy
Presents
BRIAN, THE GREAT DOG DETECTIVE
Starring
CARLOS ALAZRAQUI – Professor Weed
SETH MCFARLANE – Brian, Stewie, Peter, Tom Tucker, Quagmire
MILA KUNIS – Meg
ALEX BORSTEIN – Lois
MIKE HENRY – Cleveland, Herbert, Bruce
ADAM WEST – Mayor West
WALLACE SHAWN – Bertram
Music by
HENRY MANCINI
RON JONES
…
Meanwhile, in another part of Quahog, another character was arriving, who will narrate his introduction here…
It was the eve of our good mayor's diamond jubilee, and the year our town's government came… to the very brink of disaster. My name is Dr. Stewie G. Griffin, most recently of Mayor West's recent regiment. I had just arrived back in Quahog after lengthy service in Afghanistan, and was anxious to find a quiet place, preferably a dry one, where I could rest, work on some of my projects, and find a bit of peace. Little did I know that my life was about to change forever…
Stewie had just climbed out of a taxi cab, wearing his black doctors' suit, derby hat and spectacles, and carrying a black umbrella and newspaper, looking for a place to rent a room. As the cab drove off, thunder crashed in the distance, and it began to rain. Stewie noticed this, and opened his umbrella to keep dry from the storm.
"Ugh," Stewie moaned, "it seems to storm a lot in Quahog. It's almost like living in Dr. Frankenstein's neighborhood!"
CUTAWAY
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein and his assistant Igor, were digging into a grave on a dark, cloudy night. "What a filthy job," Frederick complained.
"It could be worse," Igor said.
"How?"
"It could be rai-oomph!" Frederick slapped his hand over Igor's mouth.
"Don't say that in a town that's always in storm season!" he hissed to Igor.
END CUTAWAY
As Dr. Stewie walked in the rain, he heard crying coming from an alley. He peeked and saw Meg, sobbing all alone.
"Ooh, a crying teenage girl," Dr. Stewie said. "This oughta be good." He walked over to Meg and said, "What's wrong? Get dumped? Mother mistreating you? Too ugly for your looks?"
"No!" Meg cried. "I'm lost! I… I'm trying to find Brian of Spooner Street." She sniffled and handed a newspaper clipping to Stewie.
"Now let me see here," Dr. Stewie said, reading through his bifocals. " 'Famous detective solves baffling drug roundup.' I see, but where are your parents?"
That question made Meg more upset. "That's why I m-m-must FIND BRIAN!" She sobbed into her scarf.
Dr. Stewie looked at her sadly. He actually felt sorry for her. "Now woman, I don't know any Brian, but I DO remember where Spooner Street is."
Meg brightened her face a bit. There seemed to be hope for her.
"Now, come with me," Dr. Stewie said. "We'll find this Brian chap together."
As they walked off, Meg asked, "Gee, are you a baby or something? You sound very smart for your age."
"You know, I never thought about that," Stewie answered thoughtfully.
…
Some time later, Dr. Stewie and Meg arrived at the house of 31 Spooner Street, which was the address mentioned in the newspaper where Brian lived. Meg rang the doorbell (as Stewie couldn't reach it), and the housekeeper Lois answered, her arms full of books, pillows, a teacup and a medieval mace.
Dr. Stewie just sort of glared at Lois at first, but then remembered his manners and asked, "Good evening madam, is this the residence of Brian of Spooner Street?"
"Oh, I'm afraid it is." Lois said. "He's not here at the moment, but you're welcome to come in and wait."
"Oh, I don't want to impose," Dr. Stewie said. "It's just this girl here…" he gestured to his side, only to find that Meg wasn't there. Instead, she was already inside, making herself comfortable in a large armchair.
Among seeing this, Lois threw her load onto Dr. Stewie (but luckily the mace didn't hit him), and removed Meg's wet hat and scarf. "Oh my poor sweetie," Lois said, "you must be cold from being out in that storm! Let me fetch you a pot of tea and some of my fresh crumpets." She rushed into the kitchen.
"Crumpets?" Meg asked.
"I know," Dr. Stewie said, "but at least it's not like the cultural cover-ups they'd do on Pokémon."
CUTAWAY
Brock was settling with Ash, Misty and Pikachu in a makeshift campsite in a section of woods.
"Hey guys," he said, pulling out a bowl of Japanese rice balls, only visible briefly before obviously chroyned-in sandwiches covered up the rice balls, "I just prepared some of my famous…"
"SANDWICHES!" a strange voice boomed over Brock's audio.
"Aww," Ash said, "I was hoping you'd make some…"
"CHEESEBURGERS!" the same voice said, dubbing over Ash.
END CUTAWAY
Dr. Stewie and Meg looked around the room in amazement. Stewie noticed some kind of contraption where a propeller was operating a billow that was puffing into several cigarettes, a cigar and a pipe on a six-cigarette holder. Meg also noticed a device with four pairs of shoes being rotated in a circle, being brushed with some kind of black material and then leaving shoeprints on pieces of paper.
"Wow, this Brian guy must be a genius," Meg said to herself.
As Dr. Stewie was hanging up his coat, he heard a voice triumphantly laughing from outside. "Ha-ha, the villain slipped this time. I shall HAVE HIM!" At that, the door flung open to reveal a fat, pale Chinese man wearing a long scarlet robe and matching cap and holding a pistol. His face looked like a somewhat racist caricature of a Chinaman, with the pale complexion, long and thin mustache, huge buckteeth and purple rings around his eyes. Lightning flashed as the sound of thunder pierced the air, as if it were for dramatic effect.
Normally, Dr. Stewie was rather courageous, but seeing such a strange intruder did frighten him quite a bit. "Outta my way, outta my way!" the strange man said, running into the house, peeling off his cap and flinging it into the air.
"I say now, oomph!" The cap landed on Stewie. With a soft "pop!" Stewie pulled it off and shouted at the intruder, "Who the hell are you?!"
"What? Oh?" the Chinese man stopped. Then he reached up and began stretching his face, and the rubbery human mask came off with another pop to reveal a white dog's head underneath!
"Brian of Spooner Street, my good man," Brian said, bowing and holding the floppy latex mask in his hand and grinning at Dr. Stewie.
Now, Dr. Stewie couldn't believe what he saw. The China man had pulled his face off to reveal a dog's head. But then when Brian pulled a cord and made the robe deflate and collapse around him, revealing his full dog body standing on stilts, Stewie was even more shocked. Surely, he was not expecting Quahog's greatest detective to be a dog.
Dog or not, Meg was still glad to see him. "Oh Brian, I need your help!"
"Not now, kid," Brian said, donning a maroon smoking jacket that he had hung on a dart. He tossed the dart onto the dartboard and hit a bull's-eye, with his head turned the other direction and his eyes closed!
"But you don't understand. I'm in terrible trouble…" Meg desperately said.
"Wait a sec, please," Brian said, walking right by her.
"What the devil?" Dr. Stewie said. "Now listen here dog, this young lady is in need of help, and you go and…"
"Hold this please, doctor," Brian said, handing the gun to Stewie.
"Of course," Dr. Stewie said, his eyes initially closed, but then nervously tried to hold the gun away from his face until Brian snatched the gun back. "Wait, how the deuce did you know I was a doctor?" he asked.
"You just came back from surgeon military duty in Afghanistan, right?" Brian said.
"But, how the hell do you know all that?" Dr. Stewie was getting a bit annoyed by Brian not directly answering his question.
Brian said, "I could tell by the way you are dressed, and your bowler hat and umbrella I saw hung on the coat rack when entering. Not only that, I can see you stitched your torn cuff with a Lambert stich, which is what only a surgeon uses. And the thread you used I recognized being only from Afghan provinces."
As Brian was saying all of this, he loaded the gun with a bullet, and gathered up three round pillows before tossing them to Dr. Stewie.
"Oh crap, that's amazing," Dr. Stewie said, struggling to hold up the pillows that combined were larger than him.
"Actually, it's elementary my dear Stewie." Brian said, spinning the revolver and aiming it at the pillows. Of course, Dr. Stewie panicked, and tossed the pillows on the red armchair. He grabbed Meg and they both ducked behind the couch. With a loud "BANG!" Brian fired the gun and the pillows exploded into white feathers. Brian blew the smoke from the gun's barrel as the room filled with feathers flying about like white fluffy confetti.
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Lois asked, running out of the kitchen, having heard the gunshot. "My good pillows!" She spotted Brian digging to find the bullet in the mess of feathers.
"MISTER BRIAN!" Lois yelled. Brian peeked up, looking ashamed and giving big puppy eyes. "What the hell is wrong with you, shooting my…" she began scolding.
"There, there, Lois. It's all right," Brian leaped from the chair and reassured his housekeeper. He then sniffed the air. Of course he could recognize the smell, being a dog and all. He walked Lois to the kitchen, saying, "Why I think I smell some of your delightful crumpets! Why don't you fetch our guests some?"
"Brian, I don't…" Lois began, but Brian shut the door on her. Then he climbed down on all fours. "Now, I know that bullet is here somewhere…" He found Meg holding it. "Thank you, Miss…" Brian grudgingly said, snatching it from her hands.
"Miss Meg Griffin," Meg said, blushing a bit. Brian seemed a bit charming.
"Eh, whatever," Brian said, walking over to his microscope.
"Yes, but you DON'T UNDERSTAND…" Meg was annoyed again.
But Brian just shushed her, picked up another bullet he had on the table, and began comparing the bullets' markings underneath a microscope. So far, they seemed identical.
"Yes… mostly the same…" Brian muttered.
But then he found one of the markings to be different from the other bullet.
"NOOOOOOOO!" Brian screamed in agony. "GOD DAMN IT! Another dead end!" He banged his fist on the table and tossed the bullet aside. Dr. Stewie could tell that Brian was trying to pursue some kind of criminal, and had failed.
Brian gloomily walked over to his armchair by the portable fireplace. "He was right within my reach!" he hissed, and collapsed on the chair. Then he picked up his nearby violin and bow, the strings making sounds as he handled it, and began playing a mournful tune to express his feelings.
Dr. Stewie couldn't care less. He pantomimed playing an imaginary violin with an annoyed look on his face. But Meg was desperate. She began, "Now will you PLEASE listen to me? My father's gone, and I'm all alone…"
Brian briefly stopped his fiddling, and turned to Meg, a depressed expression on his face. "Kid, now's not a good time. I'm too depressed." He resumed playing his violin for a bit, to which he then said, "Ask your mother where he is…"
"I… I don't have a mother," Meg said. With that, Brian suddenly stopped playing his violin with a loud screech. This made Dr. Stewie jump, not because of what Meg said, but because of the noise Brian accidentally made with his violin.
"Well, I, uh…" Brian started. Then he frowned. "Listen, kid, I don't have time for lost fathers!"
"But I DIDN'T lose him," Meg explained. "He was kidnapped… by an evil baby!"
Suddenly, Brian widened his eyes. He was now interested. "Did you say 'evil baby?'" he asked Meg.
"Well, yeah…" Meg answered.
Dr. Stewie looked a bit nervous too.
"Did he have freckles on his face?" Brian expectantly asked. This was vital information.
"I didn't see," Meg said, "but he did have a peg leg."
"AHA! Brian shouted, leaping onto the top of his armchair's headrest, still holding the violin and bow in his paws.
"Surely, you don't mean my evil half-brother…" Dr. Stewie commented.
"Your half brother?!" Brian asked. "That baby half-brother, named Bertram, works for the very villain who was the target of my experiment! The horror of my every waking moment. The nefarious PROFESSOR JONATHAN WEED!"
With that, Brian pointed the violin bow right at a smiling portrait of the villainous Professor Jonathan Weed. The fire in the portable fireplace roared, and lightning flashed as the portrait seemed to sneer evilly.
"He… he works for who?" Dr. Stewie asked.
"Professor Weed is a GENIUS, Stewie," Brian explained. "A genius twisted for evil. The Napoleon of crime!" More lightning flashed and thunder boomed.
"I say," Dr. Stewie said, "is he really that bad?"
"WORSE," Brian said hoarsely, dramatically poking his head through the banister. "For years I tried to capture and arrest him, and I've come close each time, but he's always escaped from my grasp! Not a corner of Quahog is safe while Weed's out there. There's no evil scheme he wouldn't concoct! No depravity he wouldn't commit! Why, he's probably plotting a completely evil scheme right now, even as we speak!"