Harry Potter and the Magical, Mystical Ethnic Rainbow of Wonder and Awe
So…Harry Potter is this wizard dude and he like saved the world or whatever and now he has a freaky lightning bolt on his forehead. And both his parents are dead and he lives with his fat uncle and his anorexic aunt and their fat kid. And that's pretty much all you need to know.
On a bright and sunny summer afternoon, the Dursley home is filled with love and happiness. In the kitchen, laughter fills the air as the family bakes cookies and talks about their feeling while watching a moving episode of Dr. Phil.
Okay…not so much.
Some lady shows up and she is fat. Like Mr. Uncle and Mr. Uncle's kid. The lady's name is Marge, just so you know. There are 5 televisions within two inches of each other playing the exact same show (this show is not Dr. Phil, in case you missed that). Marge is a bitch. So, with good reason, Harry Potter blows her up. Then, he proceeds to do the only logical thing and runs away from home to sit in a creepy-ass park.
A giant purple bus with some drunken British guy from Jersey and a shrunken Jamaican talking head shows up. This is completely normal. Harry Potter goes with them. The drunken British dude from Jersey is really dirty and has a bunch of cuts all over his face on account of the Jamaican head keeps trying to eat his face.
The Jamaican head thinks it's funny. It is wrong.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame shows up and takes Harry Potter to the Minister of Magic. Nobody likes the Minister of Magic because he is stupid. But it would mean to say that, so everybody just pretends they like him. Even though they don't. Everybody keeps trying to make Harry Potter eat.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame is Vanna White. It's just that nobody knows this.
Harry Potter decides to play a rousing game of let's-not-get-eaten-by-the-hairy-book-with-teeth. This is what magic people do when they are bored. They don't get eaten by things that really shouldn't be trying to eat them in the first place. This leads to the question, what happens after the book eats all of its pages out? Or is the book just filled with confetti?
Harry Potter goes down stairs where the mob (a.k.a. – "The Weasleys") and Hermione have arrived. The mob leader (a.k.a. – "Mr. Weasley") tells Harry Potter that the other mob (a.k.a. – "Sirius Black and friends") is trying to kill him.
So some more stuff happens, and then they're on a bus-that's-a-train and crazy demons come onto the train. They suck the joy out everybody. They also make things cold and move in slow motion. So Mrs. Asht…er, the "fun-suckers" make Harry Potter pass out because Harry Potter is stupid and girly. Luckily some random guy makes everything better with a shiny white light. And chocolate. Because chocolate solves every problem ever made in the history of forever.
Hermione's cat is ugly.
So now they're at school and there are a bunch of kids singing and holding giant toads. Then the stupid Dumbledore-that's-not-the-first-and-so-much-cooler-Dumbledore comes and says some stuff. The houses keep randomly moving to tables on the completely opposite side of the room. This is because there is currently an epic game of musical tables going on and the winner will determine the fate of the world…or something like that.
Harry Potter is mean to the Plus-Size-Lady. And Dean Thomas is retarded. So now the boys are having a "girls-night-in." After a night of pillow fights and giggles, they turn in.
Insert random montage where it is discovered that there is now a giant bridge because apparently there was a giant landslide over the summer that affected only a small part of the whole place and resulted in a bunch of mountains to randomly grow and Hagrid's hut moving about a mile downhill. But obviously, this sort of thing happens a lot in magic people land.
Slytherin is like the KKK. Except not.
Hagrid has a big birdy thingy that eats ferrets. He decides it would be a good idea to make Harry Potter ride the big birdy thingy.
Ron + Hermione Sexual Tension
Harry has a musical sequence on the birdy.
HE'S THE KING OF THE WORLD!
Then Mr. I'm-Too-Sexy-For-You-None-Pureblood-Freaks (a.k.a. – "Malfoy") is stupid and gets hurt. But he looks pretty, so it's okay that he is stupid. He also yells at the "bloody chicken" and enjoys pushing random people over.
Dean Thomas is still retarded because he falls over the only giant rock not even remotely near where they are.
Sirius Black is hiding in Duff Town. There, he is enjoying the music of Hilary Duff in a fun, family-friendly amusement park environment.
Harry Potter Land is the most ethnically diverse place ever. It's like an ethnic rainbow.
Neville, who really doesn't look nearly as stupid as he used to, is scared of Snape. This makes everybody laugh because Neville is stupid. Also, Lupin is stalking Neville's grandma.
Snape is a cross dresser. A damn sexy cross dresser.
Magic people can't stand in a straight line. Mr. Lupin likes swing music. He plays it at the most inopportune moments. Like when they are learning, or when he should be telling Harry Potter the dark and mysterious secrets of his troubled past. For example.
A lot of people randomly start eating apples.
Everybody gets to go to Hogsmead except for Harry Potter. Everybody laughs at him. Well, not really. But in their minds, they are laughing.
POIGNANT MOMENT NUMBER ONE!
Lupin doesn't tell Harry Potter the dark and mysterious secrets of his troubled past. But they do randomly wind up on the bridge-that-wasn't-there-before.
Somebody tried to kill the Plus-Size-Lady. And Percy is a prick. And Harry Potter needs a hug.
Fred and George randomly got really pretty.
There is a giraffe running through like every picture. It is a spy for the Germans or the Russians, you know, whatever. Oh, and there is a psycho murderer escaped from Azkaban loose in the school. So, naturally, they lock the doors so there is no possible way for the crazy guy to ever get out. Ever.
It is now autumn because Grandmother Willow (a.k.a. – "The Whomping Willow") said so. And Snape is a prick. Like Percy. They should start a club.
Malfoy made origami fly and drew a picture of Harry Potter dying. Hahaha.
There is an umbrella flying through the sky. They are playing that game on the brooms with the flying and the catching and the throwing and stuff. It's raining and lightning-ing and people are catching on fire and crashing down to the ground. But that's okay because they are magic.
The dementors suck. Literally.
Okay, so everybody crowds right over Harry's bed so they are like 2 inches away from him so that they can make sure he wakes up like a normal person.
POIGNANT MOMENT NUMBER TWO!
Lupin and Harry Potter have a random walk through the woods that they aren't supposed to go in and Lupin doesn't tell Harry Potter the dark and mysterious secrets of his troubled past.
The owl wants it to be winter now. So it is.
Hot and sexy Weasley twins kidnap Harry Potter while they are making a snowman. They keep finishing each other's sentences because that is what magical twins do. They give Harry Potter a map that is magical. Just like them!
Harry Potter is the most ethnically diverse movie ever. Except for Gigli. Because at least they had a Mexican-ish-technically-Puerto-Rican person and an American dude.
Harry Potter decides it will be funny to interrupt Hermione and Ron's sexual tension and mess with Malfoy.
I think Fred and George should come back now. But that's just me.
Harry Potter decides to spy on some people. He finds out that Mr. Psycho killer dude (a.k.a. – "Sirius") is his godfather and that he betrayed Harry Potter's parents to Voldemort. But they are wrong because otherwise there would be no story and therefore no movie and I wouldn't be typing this right now.
Harry Potter knocks over the choir of people of short stature.
Harry Potter decides to go pretend to cry on a rock. He doesn't really cry but he does yell a lot and decides to kill Mr. Psycho killer dude.
It would have been funny if Harry Potter was on the other rock and Hermione couldn't find him and then Harry Potter yelled, "You got punk'd!" from the other rock.
Lupin teaches Harry Potter how to make the dementors go away. And even though it is an incredibly complex and difficult spell, and even though it took him a whole lesson to learn the let's-make-the-feather-float-half-an-inch-off-the-table-spell, Harry Potter learns the spell in 2 tries.
Lupin collects backbones to make candles out of. And Harry Potter doesn't believe fire is hot. Because he's Harry Potter and nothing could ever hurt him.
Harry Potter thinks Nike's "Just Do It" is the greatest commercial ever made. He could be right.
Ron needs to never wear sweaters again.
They're going to kill Hagrid's giant birdy thingy.
Ron is weird.
Harry Potter decides to go chase Peter Pettigrew, even though he is supposed to be dead. He is rude and wakes up all the nice little paintings. And he doesn't see Peter Pettigrew. But he does see Snape. And that kind of sucks for him.
The map makes fun of Snape and Lupin takes the map away.
There would be a poignant moment here, but Lupin keeps yelling so he pretty much killed it.
The divination lady is weird. Hermione is a bitch and makes the crystal ball thingy fall all the way off the table, around the corner, out the door and down a never ending spiral staircase. So Harry Potter brings it back because he is nice like that. The divination lady is still weird. And she says bad stuff is going to happen and there's going to be a return and blood and reunions and stuff.
Harry Potter keeps getting random haircuts throughout this movie.
The school is now infested with crows and there is a freak-weird courtyard and Stonehenge. Hermione punches Malfoy. Everybody laughs. Except for Malfoy and friends.
People visit Hagrid and Hagrid is sad because they are going to kill his giant birdy thingy.
Everybody thinks the giant birdy thingy is dead. But they are wrong.
Ron finds Scabbers. Ron gets bit by Scabbers. Ron gets attacked by big dog. Ron gets dragged into the Whomping Willow by big dog. Ron is kind of getting to be annoying.
Whomping Willow attacks Harry Potter and Hermione because Whomping Willow thinks this is funny. Whomping Willow is correct.
Harry Potter and Hermione are now in Whomping Willow. At this part, the viewer should insert the "Chariots of Fire" song into the movie and play the next 30 seconds in slow motion. The viewer will not understand why they had to do this, and they will probably not laugh, but inside, they will smile.
Sirius Black is ugly. And crazy. But he does have a good crazy person laugh.
Lupin randomly shows at a very convenient time because otherwise his friend would be dead and Harry Potter would probably feel stupid after a little bit.
Actually, he probably feels stupid anyways because he was wrong.
Now they're playing hide-and-go-seek with Ron's rat. I'm sorry, but who carries around a 12-year-old, overgrown garden rat as a pet? Because that's just stupid. I mean, get a real pet.
Oh yeah, Snape shows up but he doesn't really do anything because Harry Potter makes go nappy-time.
Oh and Scabbers is Peter Pettigrew. And Peter Pettigrew is evil. But he doesn't really look evil. He just kind of looks stupid. That's probably because he is.
Harry Potter is stupid. He makes them not kill Peter Pettigrew. So because Harry Potter has to be all high and mighty, they don't kill Peter Pettigrew and he gets away and helps to resurrect Voldemort. I hope you're happy, Harry Potter.
POIGNANT MOMENT NUMBER THREE!
Sirius doesn't tell Harry Potter the dark and mysterious secrets of his troubled past. But at least they bond.
Lupin is a werewolf. This sucks for a large number of people. Sirius gives him a hug because love can heal the world.
Scabbers gets away. This is very inconvenient.
Hermione is stupid and thinks she can make the werewolf nice again. And Ron thinks the werewolf is a doggy. Snape shows up again but he doesn't really do anything because, well just because Snape is stupid and nobody likes him anyways.
There are dementors and they suck out Sirius' soul and Harry Potter thinks he sees his dad which is dumb because everybody knows that his dad is dead, but Harry Potter is in denial because he thinks he's special. And there's a pretty white light that makes everything all better.
Several other things happen and eventually everybody winds up is the hospital wing. Except for Sirius. He's locked in some random tower and he's going to die in a couple minutes.
Ron apparently doesn't care that Sirius is going to die so he starts ranting about nothing and wasting everybody's time. Thank you Ron.
Harry and Hermione magiced themselves back in time because Dumbledore said to and they are magic and they can do stuff like that.
Harry and Hermione save Hagrid's giant birdy thingy because they are nice like that. Hermione is stupid and almost gets them caught because she thinks her hair looks weird from the back and obviously her hair is so much more important than saving anybody's life or whatever.
Hagrid should be Santa Clause.
Dumbledore is Noah and there was a flood of brandy.
POIGNANT MOMENT NUMBER FOUR!
Harry Potter is in denial that his dad is dead and Hermione secretly thinks he is dumb. She also doesn't tell Harry Potter the dark and mysterious secrets of his troubled past. But that's okay because she didn't actually know.
Hermione decides to be a genius a make the werewolf go to where their future selves are so that the werewolf won't kill their past selves. So they get almost killed to death by the werewolf, but then the giant birdy thing saves them because it is awesome and they are not.
Harry Potter: "Gee, Professor Lupin's having a really tough night" – Thank you Captain Obvious.
Harry Potter is STILL in denial that his dad is dead. But luckily he decides he is also stupid and saves everybody with the pretty white light and everything is happy.
Except Sirius is still going to die in a couple minutes.
So Hermione explodes the door off the cell Sirius is in so that way it makes the loudest noise possible and leaves a nice big mess for everybody. Yay!
POIGNANT MOMENT NUMBER SIX!
Sirius is nice and wants Harry Potter to go live with him. But nobody tells Harry Potter the dark and mysterious secrets of his troubled past. And in the end, it sucks for Harry Potter because Sirius has to go into hiding because Harry Potter let Peter Pettigrew get away. So really, Harry Potter just screwed things over for himself.
Harry Potter and Hermione mange to climb three stories in like 5 seconds and they make Ron feel crazy. But Ron deserved it because Ron kind of got in the way a lot.
POIGNANT MOMENT NUMBER SEVEN!
Lupin doesn't tell Harry Potter the dark and mysterious secrets of his troubled past. So apparently, Harry Potter will never ever find out anything that ever happened to anybody ever because there is some sick joke where everybody knows everything except for Harry Potter. This game is not amusing for Harry Potter.
Oh, Harry Potter's broom blew up a long time ago. So he gets a new one and has yet another musical sequence above the lake. The end.