The A** Kickers Anonymous - Faith
Spike a.k.a. William the Bloody
Merton J. Dingle
(Straight) Willow Rosenburg
Dib Membrane
Johnny C.
'The Saga Begins'
prettily written by Cai and Jai
Faith's apartment. She's sitting contemplatively.
Faith- I hate Buffy. And I hate Angel! I think I'm gonna go start my own team of people fighting against evil.
She heads to the phone and calls Willow.
1 Faith- Hi Willow! It's Faith! I know we aren't exactly chummy, but I'd like to invite you join my team of people dedicated to purging the world of evil and gaining eventual world domination.
Willow- Sure Faith! You don't know how long I've been dying to break loose and kill somebody!
Faith- Ok, great! There's one condition though. You gotta go straight.
2 Willow- I see no downside here! I hate being a lesbian!
Faith- Great! Our next meeting is tomorrow night at 11:00 pm.
She proceeds to call up several other weirdos who wouldn't mind killing people and taking over the world.
The following night several people are sitting around a table in the chemistry room of a nearby high school. It's a large stone table… in a chem lab. I don't know where they got it, but it's there.
Faith- Ok! I'm so glad you all made it! Now I'm not gonna have you all hold hands and sing songs. Any one who thought we were going to do that can leave.
One man with long hair and a rainbow T-shirt gets up reluctantly and leaves.
Faith- Now that the trash has let itself out, let's get started. I want us to go around the table and state our names and what we do for pastimes. I'll start. My name's Faith. I like revenge. I don't like Buffy or Angel and someday I'm gonna kill them both!!!!! Now your turn.
Spike- My name is Spike. I used to enjoy torturing my victims with railway spikes… But no more…
Now I can't because I have a stupid chip in my head!!! I hate Angel and Buffy's in love with me even though she doesn't know it yet. I'm done. Your turn.
Nny- My name's Johnny but you can call me Nny. I enjoy torturing people and killing people, talking to deceased animals hanging from walls and slurping brain freezies. I like brain freezies.
Everyone sitting at the table turns and looks at him funny.
Spike- You're sick!
Nny- I've never killed a vampire. It might be an interesting challenge.
Spike- He wants to kill me! Did you just hear that?! He's gonna kill me! Can we please get rid of him?
Faith- Now Spike, I do recall you saying that you like torturing people with railroad spikes.
Spike- Yeah, but!… That's different!
Faith- Sigh… Willow, will you please finish it up?
Willow- Gladly, Faith! My name is Willow and I'm ready to kick some… butt. And I'm straight! Very straight!
She grabs the nearest guy (I'm not sure if it is Spike or Nny. Come to think of it, I don't think she knows either!) and starts making out with him.
Willow- See! See how straight I am!
Mystery Man wipes his mouth.
Mystery Man- Wow! She is straight!
Faith- That was informative…
Merton waves his hand frantically from his seat.
Merton- Hey! You forgot me!
Faith- Ah, yes, the uncharacteristically happy goth. And who might you be? (Like I care…)
Merton- Merton J. Dingle? Remember? You killed my best friend!
Faith- I've killed a lot of people's best friends. You can't actually expect me to remember all of them.
Nny- I can.
Spike- You bloody can't.
Nny- My very first was the school janitor. And then Mrs. Wilkerson, and then her husband, and then little Benny and Trixie, and then that jock that teased me, and then that punk that complimented my hair, and then…
Spike- Shut up already.
Nny- You're just jealous cause you can't remember everyone you've killed.
Nny sticks his tongue out at Spike. Bad idea. Or, it would be a bad idea if it weren't for that pesky chip. Darn the wonders of modern science! Darn them I say!!!
Spike- I'm 127 years old this Friday! Of course I don't remember them all! I've killed at least one human a night for about 126 of those years. That's 1 person times 365 days in a year times 126 years and that's… that's… Oh, I don't know. A bloody lot! Does anybody have a calculator?
Nny giggles.
Nny- You say 'bloody' a lot. I like blood….
Faith- What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, that guy-
Nny- I want to bathe in the blood of the universe and eat the toasty souls of the damned!!!!
Faith- That guy-
Nny- SOUL TOAST!!!!!!
Faith slugs Nny and he falls out of his chair.
Faith- As I was saying, that guy was trying to introduce himself. Go on.
Merton- Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, my best friend. Remember the werewolf?
Faith- You mean the really hairy dude?
Merton- Yeah. Him.
Faith- Oh. I just thought he had a really bad goatee.
Merton- Either way, you killed him and I only forgave you because you're hot. And about me, I'm a goth. I like computers and hiding from things, and I'm not totally convinced you're straight.
He raises his eyebrows suggestively at Willow.
Willow- Look, just cause I went straight doesn't mean I went slutty. Still…. Ok!
She jumps Merton. Man, that image is weirding me out!
Faith- Ugh, nasty smacky noises… Will, you've made your point already. I'm not gonna be comin' onto you any time soon…
She meant that sarcastically of course, for those of you who are unusually dense or have unusually dirty minds. Either way, everyone else looks at her really funny…
Spike- Would somebody please stop this! It's going to get very… nasty… in a minute.
Nny immediately grabs Merton by his spiky black hair, pulls him away from Willow and holds a knife to his throat.
Nny- Get off my girl, you wanna-be!!!!!!!
Willow- I am not your girl!
Nny- Stop pretending you don't want me.
Willow- I don't want you!
Nny- You mean it was all a lie!? You said you loved me! You said you never wanted to be with another man in your life! You mean it was all a one night stand!? You used me like hi-fi radio! Once something better comes along you throw me away like I never meant anything to you! And what's worse is that you left me for this wanna-be goth! I bet he never even killed anyone before! Well fine! We'll just see how long he lasts! But wait, I'm not gonna give you a chance to find out!!!! I'm gonna kill you both!!!!! Better yet! I'll kill you all!!!!!
Willow- What are you talking about?! I never slept with you!
Nny- Ya see!? Hi-fi radio! Hi-fi radio!
Nny jumps on the table and pulls out a dagger. Immediately Faith jumps on the table as well. Insert really cool kung fu fighting here… Then Nny falls off the table and slides painfully to a stop right at Willow's feet. She kicks him hard in the head.
Willow- Jerk!
Nny- I'll always love you!
He says between clenched teeth with a great big smile on his face.
Faith- Was any of that true?
Nny jumps to his feet.
Nny- Of coarse it was true! And don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, you foxy lady!
He points to Willow.
Nny- You don't know how many nights I've spent killing somebody and wished I'd had someone to laugh with me as I listened to their screams of agony! And I'm asked, "Is this true?"
He turns to Faith once more.
Nny- Either that or I'm mixing up my soap opera script with real life… I'm expanding my horizons… But I'm pretty sure it's true!
Willow- I swear none of that ever happened! I've never even seen you before!
Nny- Probably not. You were too busy-
Spike- SHUT UP!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!! I don't care what you or anyone else does for fun around here! All I care about is getting this chip out of my head and killing Angel! So can we get on with it!
Faith- Gladly. We established this club under the tittle of the chess club. But we call it A.K.A. Meaning A** Kickers Anonymous.
Merton- Don't you think the school board will get a tiny bit suspicious when they find out that we hold our meetings in the dead of night?!
Faith- What's the matter Martin? Like you'll ever have anything to do besides sleep, which we all know
is irrelevant.
Nny- Don't worry. She'll turn you into a man.
Spike grabs him by the shirt collar and lifts him a few inches off the ground.
Spike- You shut up about your stupid fantasies or I'll- OWE! OH! $#&*%@+*%@!
He grabs his head in pain while Nny straitens out his jacket, narrows his eyes and glares at Spike.
Nny- I know a thousand and counting ways to kill you with Ramen noodles!
Faith- Enough! We are here to get things done! And our first goal is to get that chip out of Spike's head!
Nny- How come we get to do what he wants? I say that I want to bathe in the blood of the universe and eat the toasty souls of the damned and he says "Oh! I want to get this bloody chip out of my brain because-"
Spike- I do NOT talk like that! And that time I'm certain I did not say bloody!
Nny- Wait. You didn't let me finish. "Because I'm too weak and pathetic to just rip it out myself!" Well here Spike! Let me help ya!!!
Nny jumps up and latches onto Spike's head trying to rip his head off. And he could have if Faith hadn't intervined. She grabs Nny by his coat back and flung him across the room and into a wall, which he slides down and lands feet in the air on the floor.
Nny- I'm starting to think you don't like me!
Faith- Does anyone here know anything about brain surgery?
Nny is just starting to pick himself up from that last fall when he hears this. Immediately his hand shoots up.
Nny- I do!
All- Shut up!
Merton- Well I kinda know a little bit.
Willow- Hey! So do I!
Merton- Wow! What a coincidence!
Spike- Ohh, no. I am bloody well not letting a couple of hyper nerds who "kinda know a little bit" about brain surgery cut open my head!
3 Merton- Oh… Well I guess I could find someone who knows a little bit more about brain surgery.
Nny- Like bloody me!
Merton- Can you even name the 3 main parts of the human brain?
Nny- I bloody well can! There's the bloody squishy part. And the bloody part that you can bloody dry out, bloody sprinkle over salad and tell your bloody guests it's bloody bacon bits, and the bloody part that's well… bloody.
Merton- You see my point?
Spike- What are you doing?
Nny- Bloody what?
Spike- You know bleedin' well what I mean!
Nny- Ooh! Bleedin'! That's a good one! I'd better start taking notes!
Spike- Stop it!
Nny- I bleedin' well can't say I know what you're talking about.
Spike- STOP IT!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!
Spike claps his hands over his ears and runs into a corner to try and get away from Nny's… stupidity. Faith runs over and and puts an arm over his ahoulder.
Faith- It's ok! He's done now! Aren't you.
She clenches her teeth and shoots Nny a look. Nny has a sort of knowing and satisfied look on his face.
Nny- Oh yes… I'm done.
Big hug.
Faith- Are you ready to go back over there?
Spike- Yes.
They return to their seats.
Faith- Willow, Merton, who do you know that can get this chip out of his head?
Willow- I know this guy Spyder. He's great with implants and chips and stuff. He's the one who did Brittany's "knee" job.
Nny- I like that Pepsi commercial.
Spike- Me too.
Merton- Me three.
Faith- All guys are so shallow. They see a pair of big boobs and they go nuts.
Willow- I know! It's terrible!
Nny- I still wanna kill her though.
Faith- That's nice. Willow, you give Spyder a heads up and tomorrow we're taking a little field trip. We adjourn till tomorrow.
After everyone gets up to leave Nny taps Willow on the shoulder.
Nny- Hey, you wanna go back to my place and…
He leans in and whispers something to her.
Willow- Ewe! You sick pervert!
She proceeds to kick him where the sun don't shine and then walks out of the room satisfied. Nny stays back hunched over on his knees, Spike walks past and chuckles to himself.
Nny- I think I'm growing on her.
Ok. So everybody goes home. Right now our 'candid camera of narrational doom' is visiting Spike's crypt. Everybody wave!
He's talking to a couple pictures he's got tacked on the wall. One is a pristine photo of Buffy, the other is of Angel. It's got lots of darts in it and Angel has a mustache and horns drawn on him. Someone's awfully mature for being a hundred plus years old…
Spike- (to Buffy) I'll always love you…
(to Angel) Not you, you bloody perv! Agh, that's disgusting! I always thought there was something a little off about you, but- What do you mean, Xander was cute too!? I can't believe…
(to Buffy) See, luv, I told you that great poof was only dating you to get closer to your beloved Scoobies. Never would have suspected him of it, would you have? Now, come on, pet… I didn't mean all that… Oh, don't-
(to Angel) Hey, I saw that look. Yeah, that one! You think you're just so high an' mighty with your bloody great soul. Well, at least I'm not a HOMO! No, that does not turn me on! Cut that out! Cut that out, I said! I've got a paper shredder and I do know how to use it! That's better…
(to Buffy) Now. Where was I? Ah, yes… You're just so beautiful. You're eyes are so blue, blue like… like… big, blue, wet things… You're right. No more words. Let's make out!
He grabs the photo off the wall and begins to make out with it. Halfway through, he casts a nasty evil glance over his shoulder at the Angel photo.
Spike- I bet you never got none of that, did you?
Sad isn't it?
Now the camera focuses on Willow, who is walking home… alone. She hears a noise. (gee, what could it be?
Willow- Who's there?
Hearing nothing, she starts walking again. Then she whirls around, hearing another noise.
Willow- Come out now and maybe I won't beat the crap out of you!
Feeling stupid when no one answers, she whirls back around, coming face to face with Nny. She is too shocked at seeing the huge grin on his face to say anything. She then notices he has a straitjacket on.
Willow- What kind of a weirdo puts on a straitjacket by himself?!
Nny- I had help.
Willow- What? Do you live in some kind of home or something and you escaped just to torment me?!
Nny- I do not live in some kind of home. I am not a weirdo. And YES! I did come out just to torment, I mean, see you! When I first saw you that day in the park walking your dog I knew it was love at first sight! And when you said those first words to me, "Please remove my dog from your leg," I knew it was too late! I had fallen for you! You make me want to dust my house for company! There's really not much of a point to that because most of the time they die before they ever see the outside world again, BUT STILL! I LOVE YOU AND I'LL FOLLOW YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH IF NECESSARY!!!!!!
Willow- You creep! I don't have a dog ! I never saw you in the park and get away from me you perverted, homicidal maniac!
Nny- Hmm. Perverted! That's a new one. I'll add that to my list. But back to you. So cold! But you shall be mine, my ice princess!
Willow- I almost feel sorry for you. But not quite.
If you're under ten I would suggest you go get a glass of milk… or an orange. To make a violent scene short she beats him up... big time. After she's finished with him she turns around and walks away smugly leaving Nny in a heap on the pavement.
Now our tour continues with the 'lair' of Merton J. Dingle. Oh, c'mon! Everybody knows it's his basement! Oh well. He's busy brooding. There's a lot of candles burning. Ahhh!! Fire Hazard!!!
Merton- Ah, Tommy… I miss you so. But alas, I have had to betray your memory, and renounce my status as your… um, never mind. But please don't come after me! Faith made me do it! Well, okay, she didn't make me do it… she's just so HOT! You wouldn't deny her anything either, I'll bet. Besides, this is my last chance to turn COOL! Ya know, maybe if I kill some people and cause some mass destruction I won't get picked on so much. Besides, there's this really cute ex – lesbian computer geek who joined too. I might actually get my first date!!! Wow! My head's gonna explode just thinking about it!
Um… you know what, Tommy? If I'm gonna be cool, I'm gonna have to stop this disturbing habit of having long, meaningful conversations with my very attractive and surprisingly sensitive, but albeit DEAD, best friend. So… goodbye then (sniffle)… See you in-
Why don't we just stop there…
As for Faith… well. Nothing much to report there. She's pretty much just sitting on her couch, eating celery, listening to Drowning Pool, and dreaming of Buffy's demise. And imagine, she's the most normal out of all of them…
Faith- Let the Buffys hit the floor. Let the Buffys hit the floor. Let the Buffys hit the (crunch, crunch) FLOOR!!!! One, nothin' wrong with me. Two, nothin' wrong…
Ahh, but I beg to differ…
The next day or rather night, they meet in the Chem. Room again.
Faith- Now did every one bring their signed permission slips?
All except for Faith- Wha-?
Faith- Just kidding! Anyway, who here has a car?
Spike- I… don't.
Willow- Yes you do!
Spike- Shut up! No I don't!
Between clenched teeth. (Ha, ha! He doesn't want them in his car! Come to think of it, neither would I.)
Nny- I do!
All- No!
Merton- Well, I've got a hearse.
Faith- Ok, we go with Merton.
They all pile into Merton's hearse. Merton and Willow sit up front since Willow is the only one who knows how to get there. The rest are crammed into the back like sardines. Nny begs Willow to sit in back with him because he knows she wants to… yeah. But eventually Faith throws him violently into the back with everybody again. Nny pokes his head up front to talk to Willow.
Nny- Ok. I been thinking about what happened yesterday and maybe I was wrong.
Willow- Thank you for admitting that!
Nny- No problem! So I figure you're a classy girl who was feeling just a bit out of character that night. This time, how about I buy you dinner first?
Willow- What are you talking about?
Nny- No really! Anything you want! McDonald's, Burger King. Just not Taco Bell. The dog scares me.
Willow- Are you in heat or something?
Nny- Yes! The feline blood within me needs you! Do not ignore my veins!
Merton- That's gonna be one weird soap opera.
Spike- I'll watch it.
Faith- You'll watch anything.
Spike- Not anything. I'm not perverted.
Willow- Ooh! Ooh! Stop!
Spike- What? I know I didn't say anything wrong! I'm the least perverted of you all!
Willow- No! Not that! We're here!
Gleefully spoken. The car pulls over and they all get out.
Willow- Let's go in. Spyder doesn't like waiting.
Inside there is a very shabby waiting room. It's full of the homeless insane. Our 'heroes' go in and sit down.
Nny- This guy must be a bum!
Willow- He's not a bum and you're a stupid idiot! These rooms are bugged!
Dozens of little people in blue hoods come in the room.
Nny- Ahh! Leprechauns!
The creatures grab him and pull him through the door leading to Spyder's work place. He screams his head off all the way.
Faith- You guys, he's gone!
All- Yay!
The door opens and a middle aged, muscular man wearing glasses with buzzed black hair opens the door. Another extremely attractive man looking a heck of a lot like Keanu Reeves exits. (It would have been the real Keanu Reeves, but we couldn't afford to put him in such a low-budget fic. He would want money.) Spyder begins to shout something at the man as he leaves.
Spyder- Remember, Mr. Just Johnny! You hold the cure to the black shakes in your head! So either I get it out and leave you a permanent vegetable, or your head explodes!
Keanu - man looks slightly concerned and majorly in need of a nap. He continues to walk despite Spyder's warnings. Spyder then turns to the A.K.A. with a big smile.
Spyder- You guys can come in now.
They proceed to file into the room. Spike is looking nervous and a bit paler than usual. (Is that possible?)
Spyder- No need to be nervous! So, who's the job?
Willow- Spike. Spike? Where'd he go?
Spyder- No need to worry. Things like this happen all the time. My little helpers will go get him!
Seconds later the little blue men appear carrying in Spike.
Spike- Tell them to put me down! I can deal with the chip in my head! I don't want that quack to operate on my brain!
Willow- Stop being such a baby!
She and Faith grab him and force him onto the examining table. Merton just stands over and watches making his usual feminine gestures. Spyder puts some sort of X-ray machine over his head and peers in.
Spyder- Wow! You got a big one in there!
Spike- Excuse me?
Spyder- That chip is huge!
Spike- Oh.
Spyder- That must hurt like heck!
Spike- Only when I try to hurt a… person.
Spyder- Oh… Right. Anyway, I'm afraid that the only way to get it out without undoing the code is to cut open your head and rip that sucker out!
Spike- Code?
Spyder- Every implant like yours carries some kinda message. Each message's encrypted with a code so that the information doesn't fall into enemy hands. Yours is a combination of images.
Spike- Not like I'm planning on it or anything, but what's the most likely outcome of surgery?
Spyder- Most likely you'll be a mental vegetable.
Spike- Great. And what do you think is inside my head?
Spyder- Personally, I think it's a cure for cancer.
Spike- Where do you get that?!
Spyder- I just know…
Spike- Ok. Well, it's been fun, but I think it's time we left then!
Faith- Um, Mr. Spyder, your leprechauns dragged off a friend of ours. Do you have any idea where they might have taken him?
Spyder- Oh! The leprechauns! Well, by now they've probably eaten him.
Faith- What?!
Just then a back door flings open and there stands (gasp!) Nny! His clothes are torn and he is out of breath.
Nny- They did horrible, leprechaun things to me! HORRIBLE!!!!!!! But I escaped! It wasn't easy but I escaped! The only thing that kept me going was my need for VENGEANCE!!!!! (And of coarse my love for Willow.)
Faith- Vengeance? Who?
Nny- You!…
He points to Spike.
Spike- What did I do?
Nny- You placed this horrible curse on me! You killed the black one and caused my spirit to roam even in death!!!!! Now guess what?
Spike- You're going to kill me?
Nny- You're bloody right!
Nny grabs a plastic knife from a nearby table and attacks Spike. Merton, Willow and Faith stand back and watch.
Merton- I still say that's gonna be a weird soap opera.
Faith- Yeah.
Willow- Weird…
Spyder soon grows tired of their antics and kicks them all out. Spike and Nny are forced to sit together on the way home so they can learn togetherness…ness, ness, ness.
Nny- But I wanna sit with Willow!
Spike- Can't you take hints? She doesn't like you.
Nny- She must not hate me. I don't believe in one night stands. There's gotta be some kinda bond between two humans!
Spike- You're not human! You're like some kind of insane thing / murderous thing!!!!!! You're a government experiment!!!!! And you say you're human?!
Nny- Hey Spike?
Spike- Yeah Nny?
Nny- Are you human?
Spike- No Nny.
Nny-I know! You're some kinda cyborg / spider man aren't ya?!
Spike- No Nny. I'm a vampire.
Nny scootches over a little after hearing these disturing words. Back in the Chem. Room everyone just sat and stared.
Spike- Well, ok, what now?!
Faith- Spyder is obviously a little… wacked.
Nny- He has leprechauns!
Willow- I guess he's changed a little since I last saw him.
Spike- C'mon! A cure for cancer?! We all know why this chip was put in my head and it wasn't to cure cancer!
Nny- Why?
Spike- It was to keep me from killing annoying, pathetic, little men like you!
Nny- Ooh! Temper, temper! Somebody's got an attitude problem!
Spike- I DO NOT HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM!!!
Nny- OK! I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS!!!!!!! I TRIED TO BE NICE!!!! BUT YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE!!!! I'm gonna kill you now.
Faith- Nny! You are not going to kill anybody! I don't want to hurt you because believe it or not, you're likeable in a sick, twisted way!
Nny- Sorry. My heart belongs to another. BUT I'M STILL GONNA KILL YOU ALL!!!!
Nny leaps into action and once again grabs Merton by his hair and holds a knife to his throat. (ironic that the quiet one who wants no trouble should get all of it.)
Merton- Um… Help!?
Faith- Stop! You don't need to do this!
Nny- Oh yes I do! And there's nothing you can do about it either!
Willow- Why?
Nny- Because!.. He, said he, because you… I, don't… know.
He drops Merton to the floor where he collapses gratefully.
Willow- You were going to kill us all for a reason you can't even remember?
Nny- Yeah, so?
At that moment the door creaks open and a short kid dressed in a black trench coat and boots pokes his head in. His hair is black and has one outstanding black spike sticking up.
Spike- Who are you?
Dib- Uh, hi? I'm Dib. Is this the chess club?
Faith- Yeah.
Dib- I'd kinda like to join.
Faith- And why should we let you join?
Dib- Hey! I didn't want to join your stupid chess club! My dad thinks there's something wrong with me and I need more normal activities so he put me in here! But you're not normal are you? You're not even in the high school are you?!
He points accusingly to Spike.
Dib- Or you!
He points to Nny.
Nny- And you are?
Dib- Yes! As a matter of fact I am!
Spike- Aren't you a little young?
Dib- I'm a child prodigy!
Spoken smugly.
Faith- So what makes you think you're qualified to join the… Chess Club?
Dib- I'm really good with computers, science, someday I'm gonna be a paranormal investigator. Oh yeah, and I know what you are! I'll tell everyone about you!
Faith- What do you know?
Dib- Oh, I know everything!
He turns to Spike.
Dib- I know you're a vampire. William the Bloody to be exact! But now you have a chip in your head. Not much of a vamp any more, are ya?
Spike lunges toward Dib with full intent on killing him. Half way into the lunge, he falls to the ground in pain.
Dib- See!
Dib turns to Nny.
Dib- I know what you do for fun!
Nny- Willow! Did you hear that? He's been spying on us!
Dib-What? No! I mean you kill people!
Nny- Oh. That.
Dib turns to Faith.
Dib- And you! You're a slayer! You kill vampires! But then you went bad! Now you long to kill Buffy and her boyfriend!
Faith- Yeah. So?
Dib- But that's not all!
Dib turns to Willow.
Dib- You're an ex- lesbian who's great with computers and used to hang with the scoobies but now runs with a 'darker crowd'!
Faith- Are you finished now?
Dib- Yeah!
Merton-Um, you forgot me!
Dib- Wha-? Who are you?
Merton- I'm Merton! I practically started this group! I've been with it since the beginning!
Spike tries to stifle a giggle but finds it impossible. Nny joins in. Then Faith. Willow tries to comfort him but it's useless since she's laughing too hard.
Merton- What!? Why are you laughing?
Several of them try to say something between laughter.
Nny- He, He thinks he started it! Ah HA HA Ha!!!!
Spike- Half of us barely even know his name! HE HE HE HE!!!!!!
Faith- What a moron! HA HA HA HA HA!
Willow- It's, it's ok Merton! HE HE HE! AT LEAST YOU"'VE STILL GOT THE GOTHIC FANTASY GUILD!!!!
With that the group starts howling.
Merton- Hey! Don't laugh! I don't see any of you being president of the A.K.A.!
Faith- No duh! Presidents are so like, dorky!
Everyone starts howling again. All of a sudden, Dib, who had been standing there impatiently speaks up.
Dib- Excuse me!
They continue to howl.
Dib- Hey!
More howling. Dib speaks up again, this time shouting at the top of his lungs.
Dib- Hey! I'm talkin' to you!
Everyone (they've all fallen out of their chairs) stops right where they are and looks at him somewhat angry that he interrupted their laughter. He's shattered their moment of childlike jesting!! He is DOOMED!!!!
Dib- I just threatened you! What are you gonna do about it!?
Nny drags himself to his feet first and starts walking toward Dib with a twisted smile on his face holding a large dagger… again. The rest soon follow.
Nny- Kill you.
Dib starts backing up, terrified.
Dib- Hey! C'mon! You know I was only kidding! I'd never really do that! Please don't kill me! I just want to become a member!
Faith- Nny! Stop!
Nny pauses momentarily and looks back at Faith with an annoyed look.
Faith- You want to join?
Dib just gulps and give a nervous nod.
Faith- Why?
Dib- Because, I, uh, love you guys!
Not knowing what else to do, he runs over to Faith and gives her a big hug even though he only come up to her waist. Faith of course doesn't know what to do with it but she tries to hug him back. He then goes over to Willow who kneels down and hugs him back. Then Nny, who lifts him off the ground and hugs him so shockingly tight poor Dib can't breath. When he finally escapes he staggers toward Spike and hugs him. Spike is disgusted and won't touch him.
Spike- Would somebody please get the nasty little bugger off?!
Everyone starts howling again and it's pretty much assumed that Dib has been welcomed to the family. After the laughter fest starts to wind down:
Merton- Hey! You forgot me!
Dib- Oh yeah. You're a gay, Gothic computer geek who is at least bi and is just getting over the death of your 'best friend' who died because Faith killed him, but you forgave her because she's hot.
Merton- Hey! You're right! Now come over here and gimme a hug little man!
Dib- Uh, no. You're gay.
Faith- You're gay?!
Merton-Not anymore!
All- Ewe!
Faith- Alright, alright, so you were gay. You're definitely not anymore, right?
Merton- I don't think so.
Faith- Good. Then we can get back to business.
Dib- What exactly is business?
Faith- Well, right now we're trying to get that chip out of Spike's head.
Willow- I guess our only other alternative is to have us operate on him.
Spike- Uh, no.
Faith- Spike, if you want this out you're gonna have to trust us! Think about it.
Spike takes a long moment to think and then comes back with his answer.
Spike- Alright. Better to die than to live like this.
Wow! He must really want that chip out.
Faith- Who's gonna do it?
Nny- I can!
Everyone ignores him.
Willow- Well I can't. I'm afraid of knives and stuff.
Merton- I can't. I'm afraid of blood!
Nny- I can!
Everyone still ignores him.
Spike- Well, we're in a pretty little mess here aren't we? We've got two geniuses who could perform the surgery but can't because of irrational fears, and-
Nny- I can!
Spike- Are you crazy? Me let you perform an operation on a organ vital to my survival?!
Faith- You don't have much of a choice! It's him or leave that chip in your head forever.
Nny- Ha!
Spike- Fine! But Nny, if you screw up, I will personally see to it that you get a nice welcome in Hell.
Nny- Oh don't worry. They already know me down there.
Nny gets funny looks from everybody but I know what you're thinking. Yes, Spike is crazy. But you would be too if you had no ability to hurt annoying people like he has to deal with.
Faith- We meet here tomorrow again. Nny, bring your surgical stuff. Willow, Merton, you'll be assisting.
The next night they all meet again. Nny is carrying a briefcase full of steak knives. Willow and Merton are prepared to assist. Spike is on a table usually used for chem. class. A white blanket is covering him. His shirt is off. (Oooh!) He explains it that he doesn't want to get blood on his clothes but I think he just wants to show off his sexy abs. I certainly don't mind…
Spike- Nny, I'm putting my afterlife in your hands. It may not be my choice but I have to trust you. Please tell me you know what that means.
Nny- I've heard the word.
Spike- That's comforting. Um, don't I get any anesthesia?
Nny- Don't worry about it.
Nny says grimly, already absorbed in pulling out the appropriate steak knife.
Nny- You shouldn't experience pain unless I hit a nerve… in which case you'll feel a shock of pain coursing all through your body.
Spike- I really would appreciate some anesthesia.
Nny- Ok.
Nny plants a fist in Spike's face. Amazingly, it knocks him out.
Nny- Ok. We're ready to start.
Willow approaches alone since Merton is afraid of blood.
Nny- Steak knife.
Willow- Which one?
Nny- I don't know! Just pick one.
Willow hands him the largest one, which is more like a samurai sword than a steak knife. Nny sticks it far into Spike's head. He wiggles it around a little.
Willow- Are you sure you should be sticking it that far into his head?
Nny's eyes bug out of his head and he gives her an extremely annoyed, homicidal look.
Nny- Are you questioning me?!
Faith- Willow, this is a really bad time to provoke him! Um, sponge off his head! He'll like that!
Willow does this and he calms down and continues the operation.
Nny- Oops.
All- What!?
Nny smiles slightly at his sick joke. (Oh wait! All his jokes are twisted!)
Nny- Just kidding.
All- Sigh!
Nny-There it is! Almost got it!
And with one final pry, the chip flies out.
Nny- He should be fine once he wakes up, but don't blame me if he can't speak for a while.
After everyone leaves, Willow, who is impressed with Nny's sudden change, approaches him.
Willow- Hey Nny! I was thinking about what you've been saying and maybe we could go out some time!
Nny- What are you talking about?
Willow- You know how you've been saying that you slept with me, even though you didn't?
Nny- No. Why would I say that?
Willow- You mean you don't remember?
Nny- Listen, Maple,
Willow-It's Willow.
Nny- Right. Willow. I don't have time for stuff like that. Sorry. And besides, I don't generally go around sleeping with every slut I see.
Willow- What? You jerk! After the hard time you gave me! That's it! I hate you!
N Nny takes no notice and doesn't even look up when Willow walks out with Merton. Hmm… I feel rumors brewing…
But Hark! Everyone else may have left, but I believe that we left Spike unconscious and sexily bloody on the table… in the chemistry lab… in a high school… where students go to school and do experiments in the chem lab. Oh no! Oh yes…
Morning. Spike can thank his lucky stars that the chemistry teacher's eyes are sensitive to light, and that therefore, she usually has the blinds over the windows. Of course, we should then wonder if his 'lucky stars' actually had it in for him ; students are beginning to arrive, and he's still 'asleep' (Thank you, Nny…).
Male students- EEEK!!!
( Eeek? What kind of male students go to this school anyway?)
Female students- Oooh…
The chem teacher bustles in. She's a big, old, squinty-eyed lady, if you cared. I'll bet you didn't.
Teacher- Oh, my! There is a sexy, half naked man on the ritual stone table that I had imported from Ireland for my own dark purposes, which are really none of your business, as I am a respectable chemistry teacher and can't be associated with such things in the minds of my innocent students, who are really pawns in my ploy for eventual world domination through mind control of the younger generations!
Students- Huh?
Teacher- So what shall we do with him, my sniveling minions? I mean, my adorable children whom I love with all my heart and would never exploit the pliable minds of?
The female students are licking their lips right now. Incidentally, so am I. But you probably didn't need to know that, either.
Teacher- Oh! I know! We'll experiment! I do so love an experiment!
The boys are cheering. The girls look disappointed.
Female students- But, Teacher…
The teacher looks at them, her eyes turning in black and white swirls.
Female students- Yes, Teacher. We will obey.
Teacher- Wonderful! Now go get your sharp knives and other fun playthings.
She bends over Spike.
Teacher- He appears to be dead, yet he's still breathing… Curious… Oh, look, children! That's why! You see, right on the inside of the skin that I've gruesomely pulled back from the hideous slit I've made in his chest? Do you see the little 'BtVS' stamp?
(By the way, right about now she's being really cheerful. Reminds me of my chemistry teacher. She made me want to stick my hand in a Bunsen burner, too. But that's another story.)
Students- Yeah, so?
Teacher- How dare you speak to me, your supreme lord and master, in that tone?! Or, ah, I mean… You see, my precious poppets, that he must be an escapee from 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer.' No character is allowed to leave their original environment without proper identification. Their creators are too protective. They don't want their beloved automatons to be claimed by the authors of silly fanfics like the one we live in.
Students- Ohhh….
Teacher- And you see, if he's from 'Buffy,' and he looks dead, he's probably a vampire. And on that note, let's get with the dissecting! This should be great fun!
They all set to with their little scalpels and hooks and acids and man, the janitor had better get paid extra to clean this up.
Teacher- Oh look, children! He resembles a giant chunk of ground hamburger! How oddly amusing…
A couple kids are throwing up. Sheesh, I'm feeling a sudden urge to run for the bathroom myself. But alas, I cannot abandon our um… friend. (He's gonna owe me big time if I throw up on my keyboard…)
So, guess what? He wakes up. I don't think he really wants to…
Spike- Oh god, mum… why'd you let 'em in? I don't need to buy any Girl Scout cookies today…
Okay. I take it back. He's not really awake.
Teacher- Oh dear, you're up! Lie back down please, won't you? I'm not quite finished.
Spike- Can't. I have to go rescue the elephants…
On getting up, Spike notices that, um… something is not quite right. Yes, even now, he can tell the difference between a raw burger patty and his sexy English bod.
Spike- Ahh! The Q-tips have been stolen!
No, I'm not sure exactly what he means, either.
Spike- You killed Bambi, didn't you, Dorothy?!!!!
Maniacally, he runs after the teacher and slaughters her brutally. I guess Nny was a better surgeon than we thought. Kudos all round for a happy ending! Or is it?….
Meanwhile, Faith is mid – celery stick and singing her rendition of Chop Suey, by System of a Down, when she realizes the nasty implications of her forgetfulness.
Faith- I don't think you trust in my self-righteous homicide. I cry, cause Angel deserves to die! Trust in my self-righteous…
Oops… Oh well.
Faith doesn't give it another thought until that night when everyone meets again. They stop dead in their tracks when entering the room and noticing a blood bath on the floor.
Faith- That used to be the evil chemistry teacher!
Nny- Not any more.
Faith- What did you do?!
Nny- I didn't do it! I would've liked to, but I didn't!
The entire group comes to a realization that… Spike did it!
All- Spike!
Willow-Let's split up and look for him.
Why do all of these teams insist on splitting up? (Exasperated sigh…) Honestly, I expected better from a gang of evil not-quite-geniuses.
Nny- I get to go with Willow!
Willow- What? I thought you were over me?
Nny- Over you? I love you Willow! I always will! And even if you don't reciprocate, it's ok! Because I love you enough for both of us!
Willow- Too bad. I'm going with Merton!
Faith- No Willow. This is a G rated fic. You're going with me just to make sure nothing happens.
Willow and Merton- Aw man!
Nny looks at Merton, who's smile is literally oozing warmth and friendship. I think not.
Nny- Um…I'm going with the little guy!
Merton- Hmm. I guess that leaves me alone… again.
Faith and Willow leave and then soon Dib and Nny stroll off, Nny's arm behind Dib's back.
Nny- C'mon Dib! I'll teach ya how to gut a moose!
Dib- I think I've already learned that.
Nny- You did? I love this kid!
Merton is left alone in the room… by himself. Anyone getting any of these hints?
Merton- Well here I am. All alone.
He hears a noise.
Merton- Hello? Is anybody there?
No response. He shrugs it off but then he hears another noise.
Merton- If anybody's there you, you better come out now! I know chow-main!
A figure appears from out of the closet.
Merton- Ahh! It's a giant raw hamburger! Wait? Is that you, Spike? But you can't hurt people can you? Oh wait. You can now. Oh crap.
The ensuing carnage, while extremely entertaining, is not suitable for young readers. If we put that kind of violence into the air, someone might sue! I would sue if my child read this and spontaneously combusted, wouldn't you?
Spike is licking his blood-stained lips, happy as an insane clam.
Spike- Mmm… Girl Scouts are delicious… But why is refrigerator door still open? The ice cream sandwiches are escaping!
That said, he runs out the door in pursuit of the 'ice cream sandwiches.'
The camera rejoins Willow and Faith. Willow is acting like a movie spy, crouching from locker to locker, humming her own theme song.
Willow- Dum dum, do do do dum dum… dum dum, deedo deeeee!
Faith- What in the name of my hatred for Buffy are you doing?
Willow- Quiet! I'm creeping!
Faith- Who do you think you are Will, James Bond? Maybe Batman?! You're a second-rate sorceress! You don't get a theme song!!! Now me on the other hand, I'm cool. I should-
Willow- I am so not second-rate! I'm first-rate… and, and… you're a slut!
Scary Voice- With stupid hair…
The girls stop bickering and look around in terror.
Willow- W, what was that?
Faith- I don't know…
Willow- Faith! Hold me!
Faith- Eww! I thought you gave up your disgusting nasty icky lesbian ways!
Willow- I'm sorry! Heavy stress makes me regress! Ooh. That rhymed.
As they bicker once more, the 'scary voice' materializes into a shadowy figure behind them.
Willow is too obsessed with her new poetic skills to notice when Faith is suddenly jerked away. Heck, she doesn't even notice the sounds of an intense battle raging behind her. It's the Slayer versus the Giant Raw Hamburger!!! Yay!!!
Willow- Heavy stress makes me regress.
But don't lock your door ; not anymore.
My lesbian ways are just a phase.
So come, I say! Come out and play!
On you, I will not try to hit. No, I promise. Not a bit.
Spike- Let's fly with the oysters!!!
Of course, you know Willow and Faith are dead. Sorry I'm not allowed to show their blood and guts in print. Lovely bit of poetry though, wasn't it? Positively touching… (*sniff*)
And so we meet back up with Nny and Dib.
Nny- And then I put him out of his misery by chopping his head off with a soda straw!
Dib- Wow! How did you do that?
Nny- Do you really want to know?
Dib- No. I guess I-
Nny- Shh!
Their tones lower to whispers.
Dib- What?
Nny- Can you hear that?
Dib- Hear what?
Nny is referring to the slurping sound coming from down the hall that only he can hear with his killer's ear.
Nny- That slurping sound!
Dib-What slurping sound?
Nny- Stay here.
Dib does as he is told and Nny leaves to investigate. He gets down the hall and peers into the room. He sees Spike (no longer a raw hamburger, since vampires heal quickly, especially with all that yummy nutrition he just drank) slurping up blood coming from two dead bodies. One of which, he realizes, used to be Willow. Gasp!
Nny- Willllooww!!!! No!! Why her?! Why did you have to take her?!!
He kneels down and holds her dead body in his arms.
Nny- No! My love….
How… sad. He buries his face for a moment, then sets her body down and gets up. Now he's mad.
Nny- You!…
He looks at Spike, who is no longer slurping but looking at him. Nny makes a mad run for him but Spike simply dodges and Nny runs into the wall. He cracks his head open and dies. Spike looks at the other bloody mess, shrugs, and continues slurping.
By this time Dib has started wondering where Nny has gone. He starts down the hall in pursuit . When he gets to the room with Spike in it, he sees the vampire just sitting there, staring blankly at the bloody mess that used to be Faith, Willow and Nny.
Dib- What did you do?!
Spike- Oops.
Dib-They, they're dead!!
Spike- Yes. I killed them.
Dib- But why?
Spike- I was hungry.
Dib- What!!?
Spike- I think something happened to my brain. I've just about healed up, though. How many plum puddings did you make, James?
Dib- Just about.
Spike- Well, so much for the A.K.A.
Dib- Yeah.
They sit there for a while, just staring.
Dib- I know!
Spike-What?
Dib- I can use my dad's cloning machine!
Spike- Your dad's what?
Dib- His cloning machine! My dad's a scientist! If we get DNA samples from each of the bodies, we should be able to clone them!
Spike- And we'll never have to rely on ATn'T cable again!
Dib- Uh, yeah.
Dib and Spike head over to Dib's house. When they come through the door, his sister Gaz is sitting on the couch playing her… ready for a surprise? Game Slave!!
Gaz- Dad said you're not supposed to have company over without telling him.
Dib- This is important. The fate of the A.K.A. is at stake!
Gaz-Yeah. Just like the fate of the world depends on you stopping Zim.
Spike- Is someone picking on you at school, Dib?
Dib- Besides everybody?
Spike- Hmmm…
Spike gets a thoughtful look in his eyes… but we'll save that for another time. Hearing the extremely masculine, British voice, Gaz looks up.
Gaz- Oooh…
Spike- Hi.
Dib- C'mon Spike. The cloning machine's this way.
Dib leads the way into his father's lab where the cloning machine is kept. He takes out the samples of Merton, Faith, Willow and Nny's DNA and places them in special compartments. He presses a button and they're all standing on a platform, quite confused. WITH CLOTHES. (yes, I knew what you were thinking. Do you know you have a very dirty mind?)
Faith looks murderous, Willow and Merton are obviously terrified, and Nny looks absolutely relieved.
Faith- SPIKE---!!!!!!!
Willow- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Merton- MOMMMYYYY!!!!!
Nny- Willow! You're alive!
They soon realize where they are, and then see Spike and Dib, who resurrected them.
All- Spike!!!!!!!!!!
Faith- You are so dead!!!
Willow- Yeah! What she said!
Merton- Wait. Chow-main's a food…
Nny- You have evoked my wrath… NOW YOU MUST DIE!!!!!!!!
They all run toward Spike with the intent of killing him (except for Merton. He's just trying to figure out why he's so inept with martial arts.) but Dib steps in front of him. They stop just before accidentally killing Dib.
Dib- Stop! We can't blame him for what he did! There was something wrong with him!
Spike- I do like to sit on mushroom spurs.
Faith- Was?
Dib- I mean, Nny accidentally hit a nerve or something that triggered this! We can't kill him!
Nny- Why not?
Dib- Fine. You can beat him up. But don't kill him.
All- OK!
And they did. Badly. Fortunately vampires heal fast.
Okay… great! Well, that's it. You can go on with your life now! I mean it! C'mon, don't you have anything better to do than keep reading this!! I'm serious, you're scaring me! Are you like a stalker or something? Why won't you just leave me alone!!!! Ahhhhh! The Girl Scouts are after me!!!!!!
Spike a.k.a. William the Bloody
Merton J. Dingle
(Straight) Willow Rosenburg
Dib Membrane
Johnny C.
'The Saga Begins'
prettily written by Cai and Jai
Faith's apartment. She's sitting contemplatively.
Faith- I hate Buffy. And I hate Angel! I think I'm gonna go start my own team of people fighting against evil.
She heads to the phone and calls Willow.
1 Faith- Hi Willow! It's Faith! I know we aren't exactly chummy, but I'd like to invite you join my team of people dedicated to purging the world of evil and gaining eventual world domination.
Willow- Sure Faith! You don't know how long I've been dying to break loose and kill somebody!
Faith- Ok, great! There's one condition though. You gotta go straight.
2 Willow- I see no downside here! I hate being a lesbian!
Faith- Great! Our next meeting is tomorrow night at 11:00 pm.
She proceeds to call up several other weirdos who wouldn't mind killing people and taking over the world.
The following night several people are sitting around a table in the chemistry room of a nearby high school. It's a large stone table… in a chem lab. I don't know where they got it, but it's there.
Faith- Ok! I'm so glad you all made it! Now I'm not gonna have you all hold hands and sing songs. Any one who thought we were going to do that can leave.
One man with long hair and a rainbow T-shirt gets up reluctantly and leaves.
Faith- Now that the trash has let itself out, let's get started. I want us to go around the table and state our names and what we do for pastimes. I'll start. My name's Faith. I like revenge. I don't like Buffy or Angel and someday I'm gonna kill them both!!!!! Now your turn.
Spike- My name is Spike. I used to enjoy torturing my victims with railway spikes… But no more…
Now I can't because I have a stupid chip in my head!!! I hate Angel and Buffy's in love with me even though she doesn't know it yet. I'm done. Your turn.
Nny- My name's Johnny but you can call me Nny. I enjoy torturing people and killing people, talking to deceased animals hanging from walls and slurping brain freezies. I like brain freezies.
Everyone sitting at the table turns and looks at him funny.
Spike- You're sick!
Nny- I've never killed a vampire. It might be an interesting challenge.
Spike- He wants to kill me! Did you just hear that?! He's gonna kill me! Can we please get rid of him?
Faith- Now Spike, I do recall you saying that you like torturing people with railroad spikes.
Spike- Yeah, but!… That's different!
Faith- Sigh… Willow, will you please finish it up?
Willow- Gladly, Faith! My name is Willow and I'm ready to kick some… butt. And I'm straight! Very straight!
She grabs the nearest guy (I'm not sure if it is Spike or Nny. Come to think of it, I don't think she knows either!) and starts making out with him.
Willow- See! See how straight I am!
Mystery Man wipes his mouth.
Mystery Man- Wow! She is straight!
Faith- That was informative…
Merton waves his hand frantically from his seat.
Merton- Hey! You forgot me!
Faith- Ah, yes, the uncharacteristically happy goth. And who might you be? (Like I care…)
Merton- Merton J. Dingle? Remember? You killed my best friend!
Faith- I've killed a lot of people's best friends. You can't actually expect me to remember all of them.
Nny- I can.
Spike- You bloody can't.
Nny- My very first was the school janitor. And then Mrs. Wilkerson, and then her husband, and then little Benny and Trixie, and then that jock that teased me, and then that punk that complimented my hair, and then…
Spike- Shut up already.
Nny- You're just jealous cause you can't remember everyone you've killed.
Nny sticks his tongue out at Spike. Bad idea. Or, it would be a bad idea if it weren't for that pesky chip. Darn the wonders of modern science! Darn them I say!!!
Spike- I'm 127 years old this Friday! Of course I don't remember them all! I've killed at least one human a night for about 126 of those years. That's 1 person times 365 days in a year times 126 years and that's… that's… Oh, I don't know. A bloody lot! Does anybody have a calculator?
Nny giggles.
Nny- You say 'bloody' a lot. I like blood….
Faith- What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, that guy-
Nny- I want to bathe in the blood of the universe and eat the toasty souls of the damned!!!!
Faith- That guy-
Nny- SOUL TOAST!!!!!!
Faith slugs Nny and he falls out of his chair.
Faith- As I was saying, that guy was trying to introduce himself. Go on.
Merton- Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, my best friend. Remember the werewolf?
Faith- You mean the really hairy dude?
Merton- Yeah. Him.
Faith- Oh. I just thought he had a really bad goatee.
Merton- Either way, you killed him and I only forgave you because you're hot. And about me, I'm a goth. I like computers and hiding from things, and I'm not totally convinced you're straight.
He raises his eyebrows suggestively at Willow.
Willow- Look, just cause I went straight doesn't mean I went slutty. Still…. Ok!
She jumps Merton. Man, that image is weirding me out!
Faith- Ugh, nasty smacky noises… Will, you've made your point already. I'm not gonna be comin' onto you any time soon…
She meant that sarcastically of course, for those of you who are unusually dense or have unusually dirty minds. Either way, everyone else looks at her really funny…
Spike- Would somebody please stop this! It's going to get very… nasty… in a minute.
Nny immediately grabs Merton by his spiky black hair, pulls him away from Willow and holds a knife to his throat.
Nny- Get off my girl, you wanna-be!!!!!!!
Willow- I am not your girl!
Nny- Stop pretending you don't want me.
Willow- I don't want you!
Nny- You mean it was all a lie!? You said you loved me! You said you never wanted to be with another man in your life! You mean it was all a one night stand!? You used me like hi-fi radio! Once something better comes along you throw me away like I never meant anything to you! And what's worse is that you left me for this wanna-be goth! I bet he never even killed anyone before! Well fine! We'll just see how long he lasts! But wait, I'm not gonna give you a chance to find out!!!! I'm gonna kill you both!!!!! Better yet! I'll kill you all!!!!!
Willow- What are you talking about?! I never slept with you!
Nny- Ya see!? Hi-fi radio! Hi-fi radio!
Nny jumps on the table and pulls out a dagger. Immediately Faith jumps on the table as well. Insert really cool kung fu fighting here… Then Nny falls off the table and slides painfully to a stop right at Willow's feet. She kicks him hard in the head.
Willow- Jerk!
Nny- I'll always love you!
He says between clenched teeth with a great big smile on his face.
Faith- Was any of that true?
Nny jumps to his feet.
Nny- Of coarse it was true! And don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, you foxy lady!
He points to Willow.
Nny- You don't know how many nights I've spent killing somebody and wished I'd had someone to laugh with me as I listened to their screams of agony! And I'm asked, "Is this true?"
He turns to Faith once more.
Nny- Either that or I'm mixing up my soap opera script with real life… I'm expanding my horizons… But I'm pretty sure it's true!
Willow- I swear none of that ever happened! I've never even seen you before!
Nny- Probably not. You were too busy-
Spike- SHUT UP!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!! I don't care what you or anyone else does for fun around here! All I care about is getting this chip out of my head and killing Angel! So can we get on with it!
Faith- Gladly. We established this club under the tittle of the chess club. But we call it A.K.A. Meaning A** Kickers Anonymous.
Merton- Don't you think the school board will get a tiny bit suspicious when they find out that we hold our meetings in the dead of night?!
Faith- What's the matter Martin? Like you'll ever have anything to do besides sleep, which we all know
is irrelevant.
Nny- Don't worry. She'll turn you into a man.
Spike grabs him by the shirt collar and lifts him a few inches off the ground.
Spike- You shut up about your stupid fantasies or I'll- OWE! OH! $#&*%@+*%@!
He grabs his head in pain while Nny straitens out his jacket, narrows his eyes and glares at Spike.
Nny- I know a thousand and counting ways to kill you with Ramen noodles!
Faith- Enough! We are here to get things done! And our first goal is to get that chip out of Spike's head!
Nny- How come we get to do what he wants? I say that I want to bathe in the blood of the universe and eat the toasty souls of the damned and he says "Oh! I want to get this bloody chip out of my brain because-"
Spike- I do NOT talk like that! And that time I'm certain I did not say bloody!
Nny- Wait. You didn't let me finish. "Because I'm too weak and pathetic to just rip it out myself!" Well here Spike! Let me help ya!!!
Nny jumps up and latches onto Spike's head trying to rip his head off. And he could have if Faith hadn't intervined. She grabs Nny by his coat back and flung him across the room and into a wall, which he slides down and lands feet in the air on the floor.
Nny- I'm starting to think you don't like me!
Faith- Does anyone here know anything about brain surgery?
Nny is just starting to pick himself up from that last fall when he hears this. Immediately his hand shoots up.
Nny- I do!
All- Shut up!
Merton- Well I kinda know a little bit.
Willow- Hey! So do I!
Merton- Wow! What a coincidence!
Spike- Ohh, no. I am bloody well not letting a couple of hyper nerds who "kinda know a little bit" about brain surgery cut open my head!
3 Merton- Oh… Well I guess I could find someone who knows a little bit more about brain surgery.
Nny- Like bloody me!
Merton- Can you even name the 3 main parts of the human brain?
Nny- I bloody well can! There's the bloody squishy part. And the bloody part that you can bloody dry out, bloody sprinkle over salad and tell your bloody guests it's bloody bacon bits, and the bloody part that's well… bloody.
Merton- You see my point?
Spike- What are you doing?
Nny- Bloody what?
Spike- You know bleedin' well what I mean!
Nny- Ooh! Bleedin'! That's a good one! I'd better start taking notes!
Spike- Stop it!
Nny- I bleedin' well can't say I know what you're talking about.
Spike- STOP IT!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!
Spike claps his hands over his ears and runs into a corner to try and get away from Nny's… stupidity. Faith runs over and and puts an arm over his ahoulder.
Faith- It's ok! He's done now! Aren't you.
She clenches her teeth and shoots Nny a look. Nny has a sort of knowing and satisfied look on his face.
Nny- Oh yes… I'm done.
Big hug.
Faith- Are you ready to go back over there?
Spike- Yes.
They return to their seats.
Faith- Willow, Merton, who do you know that can get this chip out of his head?
Willow- I know this guy Spyder. He's great with implants and chips and stuff. He's the one who did Brittany's "knee" job.
Nny- I like that Pepsi commercial.
Spike- Me too.
Merton- Me three.
Faith- All guys are so shallow. They see a pair of big boobs and they go nuts.
Willow- I know! It's terrible!
Nny- I still wanna kill her though.
Faith- That's nice. Willow, you give Spyder a heads up and tomorrow we're taking a little field trip. We adjourn till tomorrow.
After everyone gets up to leave Nny taps Willow on the shoulder.
Nny- Hey, you wanna go back to my place and…
He leans in and whispers something to her.
Willow- Ewe! You sick pervert!
She proceeds to kick him where the sun don't shine and then walks out of the room satisfied. Nny stays back hunched over on his knees, Spike walks past and chuckles to himself.
Nny- I think I'm growing on her.
Ok. So everybody goes home. Right now our 'candid camera of narrational doom' is visiting Spike's crypt. Everybody wave!
He's talking to a couple pictures he's got tacked on the wall. One is a pristine photo of Buffy, the other is of Angel. It's got lots of darts in it and Angel has a mustache and horns drawn on him. Someone's awfully mature for being a hundred plus years old…
Spike- (to Buffy) I'll always love you…
(to Angel) Not you, you bloody perv! Agh, that's disgusting! I always thought there was something a little off about you, but- What do you mean, Xander was cute too!? I can't believe…
(to Buffy) See, luv, I told you that great poof was only dating you to get closer to your beloved Scoobies. Never would have suspected him of it, would you have? Now, come on, pet… I didn't mean all that… Oh, don't-
(to Angel) Hey, I saw that look. Yeah, that one! You think you're just so high an' mighty with your bloody great soul. Well, at least I'm not a HOMO! No, that does not turn me on! Cut that out! Cut that out, I said! I've got a paper shredder and I do know how to use it! That's better…
(to Buffy) Now. Where was I? Ah, yes… You're just so beautiful. You're eyes are so blue, blue like… like… big, blue, wet things… You're right. No more words. Let's make out!
He grabs the photo off the wall and begins to make out with it. Halfway through, he casts a nasty evil glance over his shoulder at the Angel photo.
Spike- I bet you never got none of that, did you?
Sad isn't it?
Now the camera focuses on Willow, who is walking home… alone. She hears a noise. (gee, what could it be?
Willow- Who's there?
Hearing nothing, she starts walking again. Then she whirls around, hearing another noise.
Willow- Come out now and maybe I won't beat the crap out of you!
Feeling stupid when no one answers, she whirls back around, coming face to face with Nny. She is too shocked at seeing the huge grin on his face to say anything. She then notices he has a straitjacket on.
Willow- What kind of a weirdo puts on a straitjacket by himself?!
Nny- I had help.
Willow- What? Do you live in some kind of home or something and you escaped just to torment me?!
Nny- I do not live in some kind of home. I am not a weirdo. And YES! I did come out just to torment, I mean, see you! When I first saw you that day in the park walking your dog I knew it was love at first sight! And when you said those first words to me, "Please remove my dog from your leg," I knew it was too late! I had fallen for you! You make me want to dust my house for company! There's really not much of a point to that because most of the time they die before they ever see the outside world again, BUT STILL! I LOVE YOU AND I'LL FOLLOW YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH IF NECESSARY!!!!!!
Willow- You creep! I don't have a dog ! I never saw you in the park and get away from me you perverted, homicidal maniac!
Nny- Hmm. Perverted! That's a new one. I'll add that to my list. But back to you. So cold! But you shall be mine, my ice princess!
Willow- I almost feel sorry for you. But not quite.
If you're under ten I would suggest you go get a glass of milk… or an orange. To make a violent scene short she beats him up... big time. After she's finished with him she turns around and walks away smugly leaving Nny in a heap on the pavement.
Now our tour continues with the 'lair' of Merton J. Dingle. Oh, c'mon! Everybody knows it's his basement! Oh well. He's busy brooding. There's a lot of candles burning. Ahhh!! Fire Hazard!!!
Merton- Ah, Tommy… I miss you so. But alas, I have had to betray your memory, and renounce my status as your… um, never mind. But please don't come after me! Faith made me do it! Well, okay, she didn't make me do it… she's just so HOT! You wouldn't deny her anything either, I'll bet. Besides, this is my last chance to turn COOL! Ya know, maybe if I kill some people and cause some mass destruction I won't get picked on so much. Besides, there's this really cute ex – lesbian computer geek who joined too. I might actually get my first date!!! Wow! My head's gonna explode just thinking about it!
Um… you know what, Tommy? If I'm gonna be cool, I'm gonna have to stop this disturbing habit of having long, meaningful conversations with my very attractive and surprisingly sensitive, but albeit DEAD, best friend. So… goodbye then (sniffle)… See you in-
Why don't we just stop there…
As for Faith… well. Nothing much to report there. She's pretty much just sitting on her couch, eating celery, listening to Drowning Pool, and dreaming of Buffy's demise. And imagine, she's the most normal out of all of them…
Faith- Let the Buffys hit the floor. Let the Buffys hit the floor. Let the Buffys hit the (crunch, crunch) FLOOR!!!! One, nothin' wrong with me. Two, nothin' wrong…
Ahh, but I beg to differ…
The next day or rather night, they meet in the Chem. Room again.
Faith- Now did every one bring their signed permission slips?
All except for Faith- Wha-?
Faith- Just kidding! Anyway, who here has a car?
Spike- I… don't.
Willow- Yes you do!
Spike- Shut up! No I don't!
Between clenched teeth. (Ha, ha! He doesn't want them in his car! Come to think of it, neither would I.)
Nny- I do!
All- No!
Merton- Well, I've got a hearse.
Faith- Ok, we go with Merton.
They all pile into Merton's hearse. Merton and Willow sit up front since Willow is the only one who knows how to get there. The rest are crammed into the back like sardines. Nny begs Willow to sit in back with him because he knows she wants to… yeah. But eventually Faith throws him violently into the back with everybody again. Nny pokes his head up front to talk to Willow.
Nny- Ok. I been thinking about what happened yesterday and maybe I was wrong.
Willow- Thank you for admitting that!
Nny- No problem! So I figure you're a classy girl who was feeling just a bit out of character that night. This time, how about I buy you dinner first?
Willow- What are you talking about?
Nny- No really! Anything you want! McDonald's, Burger King. Just not Taco Bell. The dog scares me.
Willow- Are you in heat or something?
Nny- Yes! The feline blood within me needs you! Do not ignore my veins!
Merton- That's gonna be one weird soap opera.
Spike- I'll watch it.
Faith- You'll watch anything.
Spike- Not anything. I'm not perverted.
Willow- Ooh! Ooh! Stop!
Spike- What? I know I didn't say anything wrong! I'm the least perverted of you all!
Willow- No! Not that! We're here!
Gleefully spoken. The car pulls over and they all get out.
Willow- Let's go in. Spyder doesn't like waiting.
Inside there is a very shabby waiting room. It's full of the homeless insane. Our 'heroes' go in and sit down.
Nny- This guy must be a bum!
Willow- He's not a bum and you're a stupid idiot! These rooms are bugged!
Dozens of little people in blue hoods come in the room.
Nny- Ahh! Leprechauns!
The creatures grab him and pull him through the door leading to Spyder's work place. He screams his head off all the way.
Faith- You guys, he's gone!
All- Yay!
The door opens and a middle aged, muscular man wearing glasses with buzzed black hair opens the door. Another extremely attractive man looking a heck of a lot like Keanu Reeves exits. (It would have been the real Keanu Reeves, but we couldn't afford to put him in such a low-budget fic. He would want money.) Spyder begins to shout something at the man as he leaves.
Spyder- Remember, Mr. Just Johnny! You hold the cure to the black shakes in your head! So either I get it out and leave you a permanent vegetable, or your head explodes!
Keanu - man looks slightly concerned and majorly in need of a nap. He continues to walk despite Spyder's warnings. Spyder then turns to the A.K.A. with a big smile.
Spyder- You guys can come in now.
They proceed to file into the room. Spike is looking nervous and a bit paler than usual. (Is that possible?)
Spyder- No need to be nervous! So, who's the job?
Willow- Spike. Spike? Where'd he go?
Spyder- No need to worry. Things like this happen all the time. My little helpers will go get him!
Seconds later the little blue men appear carrying in Spike.
Spike- Tell them to put me down! I can deal with the chip in my head! I don't want that quack to operate on my brain!
Willow- Stop being such a baby!
She and Faith grab him and force him onto the examining table. Merton just stands over and watches making his usual feminine gestures. Spyder puts some sort of X-ray machine over his head and peers in.
Spyder- Wow! You got a big one in there!
Spike- Excuse me?
Spyder- That chip is huge!
Spike- Oh.
Spyder- That must hurt like heck!
Spike- Only when I try to hurt a… person.
Spyder- Oh… Right. Anyway, I'm afraid that the only way to get it out without undoing the code is to cut open your head and rip that sucker out!
Spike- Code?
Spyder- Every implant like yours carries some kinda message. Each message's encrypted with a code so that the information doesn't fall into enemy hands. Yours is a combination of images.
Spike- Not like I'm planning on it or anything, but what's the most likely outcome of surgery?
Spyder- Most likely you'll be a mental vegetable.
Spike- Great. And what do you think is inside my head?
Spyder- Personally, I think it's a cure for cancer.
Spike- Where do you get that?!
Spyder- I just know…
Spike- Ok. Well, it's been fun, but I think it's time we left then!
Faith- Um, Mr. Spyder, your leprechauns dragged off a friend of ours. Do you have any idea where they might have taken him?
Spyder- Oh! The leprechauns! Well, by now they've probably eaten him.
Faith- What?!
Just then a back door flings open and there stands (gasp!) Nny! His clothes are torn and he is out of breath.
Nny- They did horrible, leprechaun things to me! HORRIBLE!!!!!!! But I escaped! It wasn't easy but I escaped! The only thing that kept me going was my need for VENGEANCE!!!!! (And of coarse my love for Willow.)
Faith- Vengeance? Who?
Nny- You!…
He points to Spike.
Spike- What did I do?
Nny- You placed this horrible curse on me! You killed the black one and caused my spirit to roam even in death!!!!! Now guess what?
Spike- You're going to kill me?
Nny- You're bloody right!
Nny grabs a plastic knife from a nearby table and attacks Spike. Merton, Willow and Faith stand back and watch.
Merton- I still say that's gonna be a weird soap opera.
Faith- Yeah.
Willow- Weird…
Spyder soon grows tired of their antics and kicks them all out. Spike and Nny are forced to sit together on the way home so they can learn togetherness…ness, ness, ness.
Nny- But I wanna sit with Willow!
Spike- Can't you take hints? She doesn't like you.
Nny- She must not hate me. I don't believe in one night stands. There's gotta be some kinda bond between two humans!
Spike- You're not human! You're like some kind of insane thing / murderous thing!!!!!! You're a government experiment!!!!! And you say you're human?!
Nny- Hey Spike?
Spike- Yeah Nny?
Nny- Are you human?
Spike- No Nny.
Nny-I know! You're some kinda cyborg / spider man aren't ya?!
Spike- No Nny. I'm a vampire.
Nny scootches over a little after hearing these disturing words. Back in the Chem. Room everyone just sat and stared.
Spike- Well, ok, what now?!
Faith- Spyder is obviously a little… wacked.
Nny- He has leprechauns!
Willow- I guess he's changed a little since I last saw him.
Spike- C'mon! A cure for cancer?! We all know why this chip was put in my head and it wasn't to cure cancer!
Nny- Why?
Spike- It was to keep me from killing annoying, pathetic, little men like you!
Nny- Ooh! Temper, temper! Somebody's got an attitude problem!
Spike- I DO NOT HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM!!!
Nny- OK! I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS!!!!!!! I TRIED TO BE NICE!!!! BUT YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE!!!! I'm gonna kill you now.
Faith- Nny! You are not going to kill anybody! I don't want to hurt you because believe it or not, you're likeable in a sick, twisted way!
Nny- Sorry. My heart belongs to another. BUT I'M STILL GONNA KILL YOU ALL!!!!
Nny leaps into action and once again grabs Merton by his hair and holds a knife to his throat. (ironic that the quiet one who wants no trouble should get all of it.)
Merton- Um… Help!?
Faith- Stop! You don't need to do this!
Nny- Oh yes I do! And there's nothing you can do about it either!
Willow- Why?
Nny- Because!.. He, said he, because you… I, don't… know.
He drops Merton to the floor where he collapses gratefully.
Willow- You were going to kill us all for a reason you can't even remember?
Nny- Yeah, so?
At that moment the door creaks open and a short kid dressed in a black trench coat and boots pokes his head in. His hair is black and has one outstanding black spike sticking up.
Spike- Who are you?
Dib- Uh, hi? I'm Dib. Is this the chess club?
Faith- Yeah.
Dib- I'd kinda like to join.
Faith- And why should we let you join?
Dib- Hey! I didn't want to join your stupid chess club! My dad thinks there's something wrong with me and I need more normal activities so he put me in here! But you're not normal are you? You're not even in the high school are you?!
He points accusingly to Spike.
Dib- Or you!
He points to Nny.
Nny- And you are?
Dib- Yes! As a matter of fact I am!
Spike- Aren't you a little young?
Dib- I'm a child prodigy!
Spoken smugly.
Faith- So what makes you think you're qualified to join the… Chess Club?
Dib- I'm really good with computers, science, someday I'm gonna be a paranormal investigator. Oh yeah, and I know what you are! I'll tell everyone about you!
Faith- What do you know?
Dib- Oh, I know everything!
He turns to Spike.
Dib- I know you're a vampire. William the Bloody to be exact! But now you have a chip in your head. Not much of a vamp any more, are ya?
Spike lunges toward Dib with full intent on killing him. Half way into the lunge, he falls to the ground in pain.
Dib- See!
Dib turns to Nny.
Dib- I know what you do for fun!
Nny- Willow! Did you hear that? He's been spying on us!
Dib-What? No! I mean you kill people!
Nny- Oh. That.
Dib turns to Faith.
Dib- And you! You're a slayer! You kill vampires! But then you went bad! Now you long to kill Buffy and her boyfriend!
Faith- Yeah. So?
Dib- But that's not all!
Dib turns to Willow.
Dib- You're an ex- lesbian who's great with computers and used to hang with the scoobies but now runs with a 'darker crowd'!
Faith- Are you finished now?
Dib- Yeah!
Merton-Um, you forgot me!
Dib- Wha-? Who are you?
Merton- I'm Merton! I practically started this group! I've been with it since the beginning!
Spike tries to stifle a giggle but finds it impossible. Nny joins in. Then Faith. Willow tries to comfort him but it's useless since she's laughing too hard.
Merton- What!? Why are you laughing?
Several of them try to say something between laughter.
Nny- He, He thinks he started it! Ah HA HA Ha!!!!
Spike- Half of us barely even know his name! HE HE HE HE!!!!!!
Faith- What a moron! HA HA HA HA HA!
Willow- It's, it's ok Merton! HE HE HE! AT LEAST YOU"'VE STILL GOT THE GOTHIC FANTASY GUILD!!!!
With that the group starts howling.
Merton- Hey! Don't laugh! I don't see any of you being president of the A.K.A.!
Faith- No duh! Presidents are so like, dorky!
Everyone starts howling again. All of a sudden, Dib, who had been standing there impatiently speaks up.
Dib- Excuse me!
They continue to howl.
Dib- Hey!
More howling. Dib speaks up again, this time shouting at the top of his lungs.
Dib- Hey! I'm talkin' to you!
Everyone (they've all fallen out of their chairs) stops right where they are and looks at him somewhat angry that he interrupted their laughter. He's shattered their moment of childlike jesting!! He is DOOMED!!!!
Dib- I just threatened you! What are you gonna do about it!?
Nny drags himself to his feet first and starts walking toward Dib with a twisted smile on his face holding a large dagger… again. The rest soon follow.
Nny- Kill you.
Dib starts backing up, terrified.
Dib- Hey! C'mon! You know I was only kidding! I'd never really do that! Please don't kill me! I just want to become a member!
Faith- Nny! Stop!
Nny pauses momentarily and looks back at Faith with an annoyed look.
Faith- You want to join?
Dib just gulps and give a nervous nod.
Faith- Why?
Dib- Because, I, uh, love you guys!
Not knowing what else to do, he runs over to Faith and gives her a big hug even though he only come up to her waist. Faith of course doesn't know what to do with it but she tries to hug him back. He then goes over to Willow who kneels down and hugs him back. Then Nny, who lifts him off the ground and hugs him so shockingly tight poor Dib can't breath. When he finally escapes he staggers toward Spike and hugs him. Spike is disgusted and won't touch him.
Spike- Would somebody please get the nasty little bugger off?!
Everyone starts howling again and it's pretty much assumed that Dib has been welcomed to the family. After the laughter fest starts to wind down:
Merton- Hey! You forgot me!
Dib- Oh yeah. You're a gay, Gothic computer geek who is at least bi and is just getting over the death of your 'best friend' who died because Faith killed him, but you forgave her because she's hot.
Merton- Hey! You're right! Now come over here and gimme a hug little man!
Dib- Uh, no. You're gay.
Faith- You're gay?!
Merton-Not anymore!
All- Ewe!
Faith- Alright, alright, so you were gay. You're definitely not anymore, right?
Merton- I don't think so.
Faith- Good. Then we can get back to business.
Dib- What exactly is business?
Faith- Well, right now we're trying to get that chip out of Spike's head.
Willow- I guess our only other alternative is to have us operate on him.
Spike- Uh, no.
Faith- Spike, if you want this out you're gonna have to trust us! Think about it.
Spike takes a long moment to think and then comes back with his answer.
Spike- Alright. Better to die than to live like this.
Wow! He must really want that chip out.
Faith- Who's gonna do it?
Nny- I can!
Everyone ignores him.
Willow- Well I can't. I'm afraid of knives and stuff.
Merton- I can't. I'm afraid of blood!
Nny- I can!
Everyone still ignores him.
Spike- Well, we're in a pretty little mess here aren't we? We've got two geniuses who could perform the surgery but can't because of irrational fears, and-
Nny- I can!
Spike- Are you crazy? Me let you perform an operation on a organ vital to my survival?!
Faith- You don't have much of a choice! It's him or leave that chip in your head forever.
Nny- Ha!
Spike- Fine! But Nny, if you screw up, I will personally see to it that you get a nice welcome in Hell.
Nny- Oh don't worry. They already know me down there.
Nny gets funny looks from everybody but I know what you're thinking. Yes, Spike is crazy. But you would be too if you had no ability to hurt annoying people like he has to deal with.
Faith- We meet here tomorrow again. Nny, bring your surgical stuff. Willow, Merton, you'll be assisting.
The next night they all meet again. Nny is carrying a briefcase full of steak knives. Willow and Merton are prepared to assist. Spike is on a table usually used for chem. class. A white blanket is covering him. His shirt is off. (Oooh!) He explains it that he doesn't want to get blood on his clothes but I think he just wants to show off his sexy abs. I certainly don't mind…
Spike- Nny, I'm putting my afterlife in your hands. It may not be my choice but I have to trust you. Please tell me you know what that means.
Nny- I've heard the word.
Spike- That's comforting. Um, don't I get any anesthesia?
Nny- Don't worry about it.
Nny says grimly, already absorbed in pulling out the appropriate steak knife.
Nny- You shouldn't experience pain unless I hit a nerve… in which case you'll feel a shock of pain coursing all through your body.
Spike- I really would appreciate some anesthesia.
Nny- Ok.
Nny plants a fist in Spike's face. Amazingly, it knocks him out.
Nny- Ok. We're ready to start.
Willow approaches alone since Merton is afraid of blood.
Nny- Steak knife.
Willow- Which one?
Nny- I don't know! Just pick one.
Willow hands him the largest one, which is more like a samurai sword than a steak knife. Nny sticks it far into Spike's head. He wiggles it around a little.
Willow- Are you sure you should be sticking it that far into his head?
Nny's eyes bug out of his head and he gives her an extremely annoyed, homicidal look.
Nny- Are you questioning me?!
Faith- Willow, this is a really bad time to provoke him! Um, sponge off his head! He'll like that!
Willow does this and he calms down and continues the operation.
Nny- Oops.
All- What!?
Nny smiles slightly at his sick joke. (Oh wait! All his jokes are twisted!)
Nny- Just kidding.
All- Sigh!
Nny-There it is! Almost got it!
And with one final pry, the chip flies out.
Nny- He should be fine once he wakes up, but don't blame me if he can't speak for a while.
After everyone leaves, Willow, who is impressed with Nny's sudden change, approaches him.
Willow- Hey Nny! I was thinking about what you've been saying and maybe we could go out some time!
Nny- What are you talking about?
Willow- You know how you've been saying that you slept with me, even though you didn't?
Nny- No. Why would I say that?
Willow- You mean you don't remember?
Nny- Listen, Maple,
Willow-It's Willow.
Nny- Right. Willow. I don't have time for stuff like that. Sorry. And besides, I don't generally go around sleeping with every slut I see.
Willow- What? You jerk! After the hard time you gave me! That's it! I hate you!
N Nny takes no notice and doesn't even look up when Willow walks out with Merton. Hmm… I feel rumors brewing…
But Hark! Everyone else may have left, but I believe that we left Spike unconscious and sexily bloody on the table… in the chemistry lab… in a high school… where students go to school and do experiments in the chem lab. Oh no! Oh yes…
Morning. Spike can thank his lucky stars that the chemistry teacher's eyes are sensitive to light, and that therefore, she usually has the blinds over the windows. Of course, we should then wonder if his 'lucky stars' actually had it in for him ; students are beginning to arrive, and he's still 'asleep' (Thank you, Nny…).
Male students- EEEK!!!
( Eeek? What kind of male students go to this school anyway?)
Female students- Oooh…
The chem teacher bustles in. She's a big, old, squinty-eyed lady, if you cared. I'll bet you didn't.
Teacher- Oh, my! There is a sexy, half naked man on the ritual stone table that I had imported from Ireland for my own dark purposes, which are really none of your business, as I am a respectable chemistry teacher and can't be associated with such things in the minds of my innocent students, who are really pawns in my ploy for eventual world domination through mind control of the younger generations!
Students- Huh?
Teacher- So what shall we do with him, my sniveling minions? I mean, my adorable children whom I love with all my heart and would never exploit the pliable minds of?
The female students are licking their lips right now. Incidentally, so am I. But you probably didn't need to know that, either.
Teacher- Oh! I know! We'll experiment! I do so love an experiment!
The boys are cheering. The girls look disappointed.
Female students- But, Teacher…
The teacher looks at them, her eyes turning in black and white swirls.
Female students- Yes, Teacher. We will obey.
Teacher- Wonderful! Now go get your sharp knives and other fun playthings.
She bends over Spike.
Teacher- He appears to be dead, yet he's still breathing… Curious… Oh, look, children! That's why! You see, right on the inside of the skin that I've gruesomely pulled back from the hideous slit I've made in his chest? Do you see the little 'BtVS' stamp?
(By the way, right about now she's being really cheerful. Reminds me of my chemistry teacher. She made me want to stick my hand in a Bunsen burner, too. But that's another story.)
Students- Yeah, so?
Teacher- How dare you speak to me, your supreme lord and master, in that tone?! Or, ah, I mean… You see, my precious poppets, that he must be an escapee from 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer.' No character is allowed to leave their original environment without proper identification. Their creators are too protective. They don't want their beloved automatons to be claimed by the authors of silly fanfics like the one we live in.
Students- Ohhh….
Teacher- And you see, if he's from 'Buffy,' and he looks dead, he's probably a vampire. And on that note, let's get with the dissecting! This should be great fun!
They all set to with their little scalpels and hooks and acids and man, the janitor had better get paid extra to clean this up.
Teacher- Oh look, children! He resembles a giant chunk of ground hamburger! How oddly amusing…
A couple kids are throwing up. Sheesh, I'm feeling a sudden urge to run for the bathroom myself. But alas, I cannot abandon our um… friend. (He's gonna owe me big time if I throw up on my keyboard…)
So, guess what? He wakes up. I don't think he really wants to…
Spike- Oh god, mum… why'd you let 'em in? I don't need to buy any Girl Scout cookies today…
Okay. I take it back. He's not really awake.
Teacher- Oh dear, you're up! Lie back down please, won't you? I'm not quite finished.
Spike- Can't. I have to go rescue the elephants…
On getting up, Spike notices that, um… something is not quite right. Yes, even now, he can tell the difference between a raw burger patty and his sexy English bod.
Spike- Ahh! The Q-tips have been stolen!
No, I'm not sure exactly what he means, either.
Spike- You killed Bambi, didn't you, Dorothy?!!!!
Maniacally, he runs after the teacher and slaughters her brutally. I guess Nny was a better surgeon than we thought. Kudos all round for a happy ending! Or is it?….
Meanwhile, Faith is mid – celery stick and singing her rendition of Chop Suey, by System of a Down, when she realizes the nasty implications of her forgetfulness.
Faith- I don't think you trust in my self-righteous homicide. I cry, cause Angel deserves to die! Trust in my self-righteous…
Oops… Oh well.
Faith doesn't give it another thought until that night when everyone meets again. They stop dead in their tracks when entering the room and noticing a blood bath on the floor.
Faith- That used to be the evil chemistry teacher!
Nny- Not any more.
Faith- What did you do?!
Nny- I didn't do it! I would've liked to, but I didn't!
The entire group comes to a realization that… Spike did it!
All- Spike!
Willow-Let's split up and look for him.
Why do all of these teams insist on splitting up? (Exasperated sigh…) Honestly, I expected better from a gang of evil not-quite-geniuses.
Nny- I get to go with Willow!
Willow- What? I thought you were over me?
Nny- Over you? I love you Willow! I always will! And even if you don't reciprocate, it's ok! Because I love you enough for both of us!
Willow- Too bad. I'm going with Merton!
Faith- No Willow. This is a G rated fic. You're going with me just to make sure nothing happens.
Willow and Merton- Aw man!
Nny looks at Merton, who's smile is literally oozing warmth and friendship. I think not.
Nny- Um…I'm going with the little guy!
Merton- Hmm. I guess that leaves me alone… again.
Faith and Willow leave and then soon Dib and Nny stroll off, Nny's arm behind Dib's back.
Nny- C'mon Dib! I'll teach ya how to gut a moose!
Dib- I think I've already learned that.
Nny- You did? I love this kid!
Merton is left alone in the room… by himself. Anyone getting any of these hints?
Merton- Well here I am. All alone.
He hears a noise.
Merton- Hello? Is anybody there?
No response. He shrugs it off but then he hears another noise.
Merton- If anybody's there you, you better come out now! I know chow-main!
A figure appears from out of the closet.
Merton- Ahh! It's a giant raw hamburger! Wait? Is that you, Spike? But you can't hurt people can you? Oh wait. You can now. Oh crap.
The ensuing carnage, while extremely entertaining, is not suitable for young readers. If we put that kind of violence into the air, someone might sue! I would sue if my child read this and spontaneously combusted, wouldn't you?
Spike is licking his blood-stained lips, happy as an insane clam.
Spike- Mmm… Girl Scouts are delicious… But why is refrigerator door still open? The ice cream sandwiches are escaping!
That said, he runs out the door in pursuit of the 'ice cream sandwiches.'
The camera rejoins Willow and Faith. Willow is acting like a movie spy, crouching from locker to locker, humming her own theme song.
Willow- Dum dum, do do do dum dum… dum dum, deedo deeeee!
Faith- What in the name of my hatred for Buffy are you doing?
Willow- Quiet! I'm creeping!
Faith- Who do you think you are Will, James Bond? Maybe Batman?! You're a second-rate sorceress! You don't get a theme song!!! Now me on the other hand, I'm cool. I should-
Willow- I am so not second-rate! I'm first-rate… and, and… you're a slut!
Scary Voice- With stupid hair…
The girls stop bickering and look around in terror.
Willow- W, what was that?
Faith- I don't know…
Willow- Faith! Hold me!
Faith- Eww! I thought you gave up your disgusting nasty icky lesbian ways!
Willow- I'm sorry! Heavy stress makes me regress! Ooh. That rhymed.
As they bicker once more, the 'scary voice' materializes into a shadowy figure behind them.
Willow is too obsessed with her new poetic skills to notice when Faith is suddenly jerked away. Heck, she doesn't even notice the sounds of an intense battle raging behind her. It's the Slayer versus the Giant Raw Hamburger!!! Yay!!!
Willow- Heavy stress makes me regress.
But don't lock your door ; not anymore.
My lesbian ways are just a phase.
So come, I say! Come out and play!
On you, I will not try to hit. No, I promise. Not a bit.
Spike- Let's fly with the oysters!!!
Of course, you know Willow and Faith are dead. Sorry I'm not allowed to show their blood and guts in print. Lovely bit of poetry though, wasn't it? Positively touching… (*sniff*)
And so we meet back up with Nny and Dib.
Nny- And then I put him out of his misery by chopping his head off with a soda straw!
Dib- Wow! How did you do that?
Nny- Do you really want to know?
Dib- No. I guess I-
Nny- Shh!
Their tones lower to whispers.
Dib- What?
Nny- Can you hear that?
Dib- Hear what?
Nny is referring to the slurping sound coming from down the hall that only he can hear with his killer's ear.
Nny- That slurping sound!
Dib-What slurping sound?
Nny- Stay here.
Dib does as he is told and Nny leaves to investigate. He gets down the hall and peers into the room. He sees Spike (no longer a raw hamburger, since vampires heal quickly, especially with all that yummy nutrition he just drank) slurping up blood coming from two dead bodies. One of which, he realizes, used to be Willow. Gasp!
Nny- Willllooww!!!! No!! Why her?! Why did you have to take her?!!
He kneels down and holds her dead body in his arms.
Nny- No! My love….
How… sad. He buries his face for a moment, then sets her body down and gets up. Now he's mad.
Nny- You!…
He looks at Spike, who is no longer slurping but looking at him. Nny makes a mad run for him but Spike simply dodges and Nny runs into the wall. He cracks his head open and dies. Spike looks at the other bloody mess, shrugs, and continues slurping.
By this time Dib has started wondering where Nny has gone. He starts down the hall in pursuit . When he gets to the room with Spike in it, he sees the vampire just sitting there, staring blankly at the bloody mess that used to be Faith, Willow and Nny.
Dib- What did you do?!
Spike- Oops.
Dib-They, they're dead!!
Spike- Yes. I killed them.
Dib- But why?
Spike- I was hungry.
Dib- What!!?
Spike- I think something happened to my brain. I've just about healed up, though. How many plum puddings did you make, James?
Dib- Just about.
Spike- Well, so much for the A.K.A.
Dib- Yeah.
They sit there for a while, just staring.
Dib- I know!
Spike-What?
Dib- I can use my dad's cloning machine!
Spike- Your dad's what?
Dib- His cloning machine! My dad's a scientist! If we get DNA samples from each of the bodies, we should be able to clone them!
Spike- And we'll never have to rely on ATn'T cable again!
Dib- Uh, yeah.
Dib and Spike head over to Dib's house. When they come through the door, his sister Gaz is sitting on the couch playing her… ready for a surprise? Game Slave!!
Gaz- Dad said you're not supposed to have company over without telling him.
Dib- This is important. The fate of the A.K.A. is at stake!
Gaz-Yeah. Just like the fate of the world depends on you stopping Zim.
Spike- Is someone picking on you at school, Dib?
Dib- Besides everybody?
Spike- Hmmm…
Spike gets a thoughtful look in his eyes… but we'll save that for another time. Hearing the extremely masculine, British voice, Gaz looks up.
Gaz- Oooh…
Spike- Hi.
Dib- C'mon Spike. The cloning machine's this way.
Dib leads the way into his father's lab where the cloning machine is kept. He takes out the samples of Merton, Faith, Willow and Nny's DNA and places them in special compartments. He presses a button and they're all standing on a platform, quite confused. WITH CLOTHES. (yes, I knew what you were thinking. Do you know you have a very dirty mind?)
Faith looks murderous, Willow and Merton are obviously terrified, and Nny looks absolutely relieved.
Faith- SPIKE---!!!!!!!
Willow- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Merton- MOMMMYYYY!!!!!
Nny- Willow! You're alive!
They soon realize where they are, and then see Spike and Dib, who resurrected them.
All- Spike!!!!!!!!!!
Faith- You are so dead!!!
Willow- Yeah! What she said!
Merton- Wait. Chow-main's a food…
Nny- You have evoked my wrath… NOW YOU MUST DIE!!!!!!!!
They all run toward Spike with the intent of killing him (except for Merton. He's just trying to figure out why he's so inept with martial arts.) but Dib steps in front of him. They stop just before accidentally killing Dib.
Dib- Stop! We can't blame him for what he did! There was something wrong with him!
Spike- I do like to sit on mushroom spurs.
Faith- Was?
Dib- I mean, Nny accidentally hit a nerve or something that triggered this! We can't kill him!
Nny- Why not?
Dib- Fine. You can beat him up. But don't kill him.
All- OK!
And they did. Badly. Fortunately vampires heal fast.
Okay… great! Well, that's it. You can go on with your life now! I mean it! C'mon, don't you have anything better to do than keep reading this!! I'm serious, you're scaring me! Are you like a stalker or something? Why won't you just leave me alone!!!! Ahhhhh! The Girl Scouts are after me!!!!!!