'Lorna DOOM!!!!'
Nicely written by Cai and Jai
Ha! I'll bet you thought we were done! One could only hope. BUT WE'RE NOT! We're back. As you may recall, in our last ficcie, the A** Kickers Anonymous were brutally killed by a deranged Spike, but fortunately, Dib's dad, Professor Membrane, had a cloning machine, which was used to resurrect them. Meanwhile, Gaz is developing a crush on the sexy English vampire, and her devious little brain is churning accordingly… But what is she planning? How will the Nny / Willow / Merton triangle pan out? Will Faith go back on her promise to Dib and murder Spike? Will Spike's mind ever make sense again? Will they all be poisoned by the Satanist Girl Scouts? And most importantly, why doesn't Spike like mushroom spurs? Wait, what are mushroom spurs?
All these (except 'what are mushroom spurs?') and more will be answered in this, our twistedly mutated homophobic creation that we like to call 'Lorna DOOM!!!!' You know, after the cookie? Lorna Doon? Oh well. Just so you never buy any from cute little girls at your door. Those Girl Scouts poison them, I tell you! They're Satanists, all of them!!! But I digress… enjoy.
Oh yeah, by the way, the massive corniness that is about to follow is just one huge mockery of your average fic. We refuse to be your average fic. We guarantee you that you will always be able to look to Cai and Jai for twisted definitely-not-average ficcie goodness. So there.
Back in Spike's crypt:
Spike- So bored. Very bored. I've killed 4 people today but it just wasn't as fun as it used to be. Pity.
Spike gets a revelation and jumps out of his chair.
Spike- Revelation! I know what I'm lacking! Method! I need a reason to kill! What a weird idea. Let's see. I'm not hungry. How about annoyance? Who annoys me most? Angel! Nope.
That's in the next fic. Um, scoobies. No. That's a group thing. I KNOW! I'LL KILL NNY! No, that's stupid. Faith already wants to kill me. If I kill him then I'll undoubtedly stumble into one of those situations where the guy that gets killed gets all kind of attention from a person like, say, Faith, cause although nobody knew it they were really friends in a sick twisted way and that'll make her even more angry at me and since I don't like the blue cheese rain I think I'll stay out of that weird web of relationships. Am I the only one who sees what's going on!? It all a sick, twisted web of emotions! EMOTIONS! Emotions lead to scoobie likeness. Ick!
Well now that we've seen what stuff is like in Spike's world, let's check up on Gaz. I know what you're thinking. Gaz? Why Gaz? She's not even a member of the A** Kickers Anonymous! But trust me. There is a method to my madness. You'll see! You'll all see! Oh yeah. The story. Gaz is going down to her fathers lab with a devious grin and… What's this? A canister of Spike's blood? She must have found it at the school after the chemistry class dissected him! Oh no! She's placing it in the cloning machine! I can't watch!
Let's just skip ahead to the next night, when Spike is walking to the next meeting of the A** Kickers Anonymous. He is busy crouching behind some bushes because he is passing by the dreaded Girl Scout headquarters. Gasp! He continues run by in a 007 style until he runs into something. He is knocked flat on his back. He looks up and sees a man standing there, extending a hand down to him. There is something familiar about the man. He is wearing black boots and a long trench coat. He has platinum blond hair and the famous cheek bones of… He can't place his finger on it. Then all of a sudden it dawns on our bright crayon.
Spike- You're, you're me!
Spike2 automatically smiles upon hearing his voice.
Spike2- Omega! It's you!
Spike- Yes! I'm me! You're not Spike!
Spike2- Yes I am! But you're the omega! What is it you desire great one?
Spike- Um, What are you?
Spike2- I'm Spike!
Spike- No you're not.
Spike2- Yes I am.
Spike- I have to get out of here! I'm confused! So confused!
Spike runs off to join his A** Kickers Anonymous friends. When he arrives they have started. Faith, who is still very angry at him, gives him a nasty look.
Faith- You're late.
Spike- I'm sorry?
Faith- So, now you're sorry. After all the trouble you caused ,you're sorry for being late?! Do you even have a soul?
Spike- Not really. And I didn't cause that much trouble.
Faith- You killed us all! Violently!
Spike- I'm not the first to try.
He shoots a glance over to Nny who is grateful for some attention.
Spike- And not everyone. I didn't kill Dib.
Faith- First of all, you were the only one to succeed at killing us and second, uh, and second, I DON'T KNOW! But I do know you killed most of us.
Spike- I said I was sorry! And if that's not enough for you people then I guess we can't be friends.
He starts to walk out of the room reluctantly.
Faith- Sit down!
Spike- Fine! Don't yell at me!
Faith- Now, does anyone have anything for us to take care of?
Willow- Ooh! Ooh! I do!
Faith- What?
Willow- My ex-boy friend!
Nny- Don't worry. I'll take care of him.
Willow- You?
Nny- I thought we agreed that I should kill him since- Oh wait! You guys don't know yet, do ya?! It's official! We're going steady!
Willow- Stop it! STOP IT! You're driving me insane! Back off!
Nny- I like it when you're all controlling like that!
An ingenious idea pops into Willow's head.
Willow- Ok, Nny. You can kill him. He's a werewolf and his name's Oz. You figure it out.
Nny- Ok!
Willow shudders on the inside but consoles herself with the fact that soon she'd be rid of either Oz or Nny. It doesn't matter which.
Spike- Well that's done with. Now, I just met myself over by the Girl Scout's place. I'd say that could use a little more checking into than your petty grudges, wouldn't you?!
Faith- For your information, Billy, our desires for vengeance are far from petty. My hatred for Buffy is deep and profound! I deserve a book deal!
Willow- That's right! I was deserted by the love of my life so he could go discover his stupid 'inner wolf,' and I think he deserves to die for it!
Nny- And I just hate everybody! Except you, Willow, my muse, my eternal inspiration, my fiery little jawbreaker, my wicked witch of the west, my…
Willlow- Shut up already. We get the point.
Dib- And Zim! Don't forget Zim!
Faith- But I've always rooted for Zim…
Dib- I shouldn't have expected sympathy. Mine is a high and lonely destiny…
Spike- We've all said that, kid. That's pretty much how we became scourges of society.
Dib- Oh. Um, oops. I guess I take it back, then.
Faith- Sorry. Too late. You're one of us now…
Spike- Wait a minute! Sorry to interrupt this touchingly creepy moment here, but isn't anyone else the least bit curious as to why there's suddenly more than one of me?!
They all stop to ponder. Suddenly, a light bulb ignites above Merton's head.
Merton- Wow! A light bulb! I've always wondered if that was really possible…
Ok, so maybe Spike is schizophrenic!
Faith- But wouldn't the multiple personalities be inside his head?
Merton- Oh, yeah…
1 They start pondering again…
Spike- You know what? This is just stupid! We're no bloody 'think tank!' We should be out there checkin' up on this thing, for god's sakes!
Merton- Yeah! Men of action, right buddy?
He elbows Spike, who looks down at the little goth disdainfully.
Spike- No. Don't even start with me. Not only are you going nowhere, but I'm going to rip your bloody vocal cords out next time you call me 'buddy.' Your ex-gayness frightens me.
Nny giggles mischievously.
Nny- Bloody….
Faith- Don't start that again! We probably would be much more in our element if we were out there doing something.
Merton raises his hand tentatively.
Faith- Or most of us would. Nny, Spike, you're with me. Willow, Merton, Dib, you stay here and, uh… think.
Dib- C'mon! Please! I'm sure I could be very handy in a combat situation!
Faith- Sorry, but you're just too short. You're very small, Dib.
Willow- I know lots of helpful spells!
Faith- We all know it was really the special effects people, Willow.
Willow- Ohhh….
Nny- It's okay, Willow. I promise I'll come back! I know you really just want to come so you can make sure I don't get killed because then the baby you're not telling me about would have to grow up without a father. But I'll do my best to make it back, even if I'm torn and mangled and unrecognizable!
Spike- You're about to become unrecognizable now…
Nny- I'll come back for you and little Dick!
Willow- Dick?! You named our kid Dick?! I pity that poor child. Or, I would, if he even existed!
Faith- Enough. Let's just go and leave this madness. I swear, with all that you guys bicker, you really should be a couple.
Merton- I think Dick's a good name…
Faith- You would, wouldn't you?
This is making me sick. Okay, they've finally separated, and Faith, Nny, and Spike are closing in on the Girl Scouts' headquarters. Oddly enough, there isn't a Girl Scout in sight, though there are several small female children milling around. A few are happily clutching the hand of… Spike. Or at least an exact copy. He has a very vacant stare, like a Jello mold.
Our heroes are hiding in the bushes, whispering and creeping about like guerillas (No, not the hairy kind).
Faith- This is getting weird. We need to get closer to see where the copies are coming from.
Nny- Maybe some scary little girl is selling Spike clones like the latest Barbie…
Spike- I'm no Barbie! A bloody sexy Ken maybe, but…
Faith- Wait! Where's Nny?!
Spike- Oh well. C'mon, let's get out of here before he comes back.
Faith- No. We have to go get him.
Spike- But why?…
I'll bet you know where Nny is, don't you? Yes! He is deep within the den of ultimate evil! I can just feel the evil vibes emanating from all those Satanist cookies…
Inside, a scary little girl with purple hair and a skull amulet is auctioning off a seeming army of Spike clones. It would appear that Nny was right for once…
Gaz- He's $1200, just like the rest of them. Designed not to give you any trouble, yet to keep all the desirable qualities of the original. Just remember, he needs Girl Scout cookies to survive. I think it's something in the poison…
A little girl hands her some money and takes the clone.
Little Girl- Okay!
A short boy with fluffy hair and a rainbow T-shirt approaches the platform. He is the only boy present at the meeting. What does that tell you?
Gaz- Oh. Hi Keef.
Keef- Here's my money! I had to drain my college savings account and pawn my parents.
Gaz- He's all yours.
Keef walks off hugging his clone's leg. Gaz looks after him disgustedly.
Gaz- That kid makes me sick.
Nny- Me too.
Gaz looks up, shocked to see a tall, thin, pale man standing over her, looking disgustedly at the crowd. She is somewhat afraid for a moment. Wouldn't you be if you saw a weirdo like Nny standing beside you all of a sudden? Ok, I wouldn't either, but any way she's looking up at him with that 'Excuse me, but why are you talking to me?' look which she's so good at.
Nny- What? Is there something on my face? It's jam, isn't it? Darn the stupid jam factory workers! I shall have my revenge!
The single word revenge echoes in Gaz's head for a while. What is she thinking?
In Gaz's head- Hmm. I could use this stupid man's idea for a new advertising technique. Revenge. Surely these clones could also do some serious butt kicking. Heck! If what Dib's been saying about Spike is true then they're probably killers! Cool! I'll just change my advertising technique a little and spread the word around school tomorrow that Spike drones aren't just for girls!
She's been standing there for a long time when Nny notices that she's not responding to anything he says. He taps her on the shoulder. She doesn't respond. (She's still deep in thought.) He shakes her lightly. No response. He proceeds to shake her violently, panicked now. By this time Faith and Spike have enterred the building. When Nny finally lets Gaz drop to the floor he is a nervous wreck.
Nny- I don't remember CPR! What am I gonna do?! Maybe I should try anyway!
He kneels beside Gaz who is still in shock. Oh no! I can't watch!
Spike- I think I speak for Dib when I say please don't.
Nny- Spike! Thank God you're here! Do you remember CPR?
Spike-It's been at least 100 years since I last learned! Wait! She's conscious! She doesn't need it! You idiot!
Nny looks down at Gaz who is pulling herself up to her feet. Of coarse she looks very peeved.
Gaz- What the heck? My dad warned me about people like you!
She runs away.
Faith- Geez! What's your problem? I wonder what Willow would think if she knew about this.
Nny- Knew about what?
Nny stares at them, confused. They begin to leave (They appear to have forgotten why they came). Nny runs after Spike.
Nny- You believe me, don't you Spike?! I honestly thought she was unconscious! I would never do that! I hate kids! Well, I don't hate them hate them. I like kids! Just not like that. OK, FINE I WAS LYING! Most kids scare me. But you get the idea! I'm not a child molester!
Spike- I believe you and so does Faith and everyone else here but the real problem is Willow.
Nny- But she's not even here!
Spike- Precisely. While Faith believes you if there's one thing girls love more than well… me, it's a good story. Gossip is our enemy. Even though she knows it's not true she'll go and tell her gossip buddy that you have weird pastimes. Well, weirder than the ones you have now… If that's possible.
Nny- Are you sure?
Spike- Oh yes. You should hear the way they gab! 'Like, oh my gosh! No way! Spike dyes his hair!? Wow! Now we can flaunt our newly acquired knowledge in front of him and point and call him bottle blond!'
Nny- Is that really true?
Spike- Shut up.
Nny- So I'm really doomed?
Spike- 'Fraid so.
Nny- Poopie.
They all part their separate ways, but once again our 'candid camera of narrational doom' follows them. Let's see what's going on with Merton. He's sitting in his 'lair' once again, talking to Tommy.
Merton- I know I said I wasn't going to do this anymore but I can't help it. I need someone to talk to. You remember Willow right? Well I think she likes me but I'm not sure! Then there's this other guy that keeps on saying she's pregnant with his child or something. She hates him but what if he's telling the truth?!You know what that means! COMPETITION! I don't do well under pressure!
You get the idea. Let's see what Spike is up to. Once more he is talking to the picture of Buffy, Angel's photo looking at them jealously from the other wall.
Spike (to Buffy)- So I made this stupid guy fret over nothing! See, Buffy! There are worse things than torture! Sure they might joke about it a little but nobody actually thinks he's a child molester! Imagine! Nny: A CHILD MOLESTER!!?? That's funny! It's almost as funny as me being a child molester! What do you mean, your sister! I would never do anything like that! Stop giggling! It's not funny! You too, Angel! I know of a certain torch that needs refilling! Hey Buffy! Wanna make out?
Oh no. Not this again. Let's just go see how Faith and Willow are doing. Although, instead of seeing, let's just listen in on their phone conversation. It saves time and money. VHS film is depressingly expensive these days. Phone bugs are much cheaper. And cooler.
Willow- That's funny! He must have been really embarrassed! I wish I'd been there! I also wish he were dead. Wait, embarrassment is worse than death! I'll bet he's hitting his head against the wall repeatedly! Wow! It's like hearing that the mad serial killer that's been after you has finally been caught! Actually it's exactly like that. Yes! The yearning in my soul for his misery has finally subsided! He's gonna-
Faith- Willow! I know you're happy but don't over do it! I've got another phone call to make so if you wanna say something say it now.
Willow- Yeah. Does he know you guys saw the whole thing and that we believe him?
Faith- I don't know. Let's give him a hard time about it just like we did with Spike and his can of hair dye.
Willow- Yeah, those were good times. OK!
Faith hangs up the phone and dials Nny's number.
Nny- Hello?
Faith- It's Faith. What are you doing?
Nny- Nothin'
Faith- I can hear the noise of your head hitting the wall and I can't hear tortured screams in the back round. Stop it! You're killing brain cells!
Nny- Oh! But the pain gives me something else to focus on!
Faith- Nny, I have to ask you a serious question.
Nny- This isn't gonna be one of those life changing, award winning, best cartoonist of the year questions, is it?
Faith- Do you cut yourself?
Nny- No.
Faith- Oh. Well ok then.
Nny- Is that all?
Faith- Yeah. That's pretty much it.
Nny- Ok. G'night then!
Faith- Take it easy!
Faith and Nny hang up the phone. WASN'T THAT CORNY!? They're becoming just like the scoobies only… worse! I mean, c'mon! They forgot all about what they went to the Girl Scout lair to do! Oh well. We'll see if we can fix this mangled mess of a fic.
The next night we are once again stalking Spike with our 'candid camera of narrational doom'. He's creeping past the Girl Scout lair, when he sees even more Spikes with all kinds of little children. It is only then that he remembers what last night's task was.
Spike- Gee! Better go tell-
And then he gets an idea. Ok. Now think back real far. Those of you who are in your mother's womb have gone too far back. Do you remember how Spike got that look on his face when Dib said he gets picked on? Good! Now can you guess what Spike's thinkin'? May be if you're a super genius like me. He's thinking he could pose as one of the clones and one by one destroy Dib's classmates for him! Fun! But how will he accomplish such a deed as getting rid of one of the clones of himself? How will he perform this amazing feat? He walks over to a clone whose master is not present at the moment and-!
Spike- Hey, there's an ice cream place over there. Why don't you go get some?
Spike's clone- Ok!
Gee. That was hard. Even I'm amazed at my skill for dramatic flare. Anyway, Spike assumes the exact position that the clone had and pretty soon a boy from Dib's class walks up. (What stupid luck that it would be someone from Dib's class and not pre-skool!)
Boy- C'mon Spike. I'm done in the bathroom. Let's go home and rest, for tomorrow you shall rain doom upon all my foes! Goody!
Spike follows. Let's see how our friends who actually made it to the AKA meeting are faring.
Merton- Um, are we ever gonna do anything?
Willow- Yeah. This is kinda boring.
Faith- Has anyone seen Spike?
Nny- No. I'm bored.
Willow- Why don't you go hit on Dib's sister?
Dib- What?!
Faith- Didn't anyone tell you? Nny's a child molester.
Dib- Ewe! You sicko! Stay away from my sister!
Nny- That's not true! I'm not a child molester! I'm not a sicko! I may be a lot of things but I am not a child molester! I honestly thought she was unconscious! I was gonna give her CPR, if necessary! If Faith had to give her CPR, would you call her a child molesting lesbian?
Willow- No. But you're not Faith. It's more fun to make fun of you.
Nny- Willow! You believe me don't you!? You know my love for you would be enough to content me if in fact I was a child molester, right?!
Willow- No.
Nny- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Then I suppose I'll have to prove my love for you!
Willow- No really. You don't have to. Please don't!
Nny- I must! We can't have Dick grow up without a father just cuz we couldn't get along! Stay together for the kids!
Faith- Hey! I like that song!
Willow- Me too!
And so they just break out in song. It's not right! Hope they enjoyed their holiday. They threw it all away! It was mine! Oh no! Not me too!
Nny- But, You're missing the point!
Merton- Hey guys! I brought donuts!
All- Donuts!
Spike spends the night preparing to destroy the owner of the Spike clone, whoever he may be. The boy wakes up, goes downstairs, opens the cupboard and-!
Boy- We're out of jam?! No! What will I put on my toast?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Spike steps into the kitchen and begins to laugh maniacally.
Spike- At last, the first step of my vengeance is complete!
After Spike leaves, (It's still dark) the boy regains his composure.
Boy- Oh wait! What about butter!? Yay!
Before the boy says this Spike has already run out of the boy's house, still laughing and runs off to replace another one of Dib's classmate's clones. But first he must go to the skool to obtain a directory to see where Dib's other classmates live. This should be interesting. He walks into the office and is greeted by the overly happy secretary behind the desk.
Secretary- Hello sir! What can I do for you today?
Spike- I need a skool directory.
Secretary- Why?
Spike- Um… I just need one.
Secretary- I'm sorry sir. We don't just go around giving out our student's addresses to just anybody! They might wind up being deranged serial killers! And what kind of skool would we be then?
Spike- Oh no. You see, my son, uh, Ted goes here and we need a new one.
Secretary- That's funny. I don't remember a Ted being on our list of students this year.
Spike- Oh! That's because he's… um, he's an invisible boy.
Secretary- Really!? Invisible?
Spike- Yes. Horrible accident when he was five.
The secretary gets a questioning look on her face.
Secretary- Ok! Would you like it in red, yellow, blue, black, tan, beige, white, pink, purple, lavender, green, orange----------------
Spike- I can't take it! Stop it!
But the secretary just keeps droning on so Spike does the first thing that comes into his head. He kills the secretary. I won't give you the violent, gory details especially since I'm really bad at giving details about that stuff but let's just say that the coroner's gonna have a hard time with that one. After that, he heads off to the first one on the list. I don't know his name so we're just gonna call him Bill. He simply tells the clone about the ice cream place to get rid of it and for the rest of the day he acts as the clone until night, when he steals the jam. He does this for several nights, so many of Dib's classmates are now eating their toast with butter. Let's see how the rest of our friends are doing. We join them at yet another meeting of the AKA.
Nny- Now I remember!
Merton- Ah! You surprised me! Now look! You ruined my picture!
Nny- Hey! Is that a guillotine?
Merton- Yeah! And-
Nny and Merton- Marie Anntoinette's head!
Merton- Wow! You're interested in the French Revolution?
Nny- Sorta!
Merton- Did you know there's a museum in Ireland that-
Faith- As touching as this is, what is it that you remembered, Nny the child molester?
He shudders at the name but he answers anyway since she and Willow have been calling him that for more than three days now. His next statement is forced through clenched teeth.
Nny- I remembered, Faith, what we were supposed to be doing these past few days! It's been nagging at me like when you know you need to do something but can't remember what it was until the goldfish dies of starvation!
Willow- What is it already?!
Nny- We were supposed to be stopping the evil clones of Spike!
Faith- Oh yeah! Now I remember! Hey, where is Spike?
Dib- I dunno. But we better stop Gaz from selling any more clones.
Nny- C'mon! To the Girl Scout lair!
They all run to the Girl Scout lair and find Gaz still selling off clones.
Dib- Gaz, stop!
Gaz- Oh, it's you and your new little friends. Well who's gonna stop-
She sees Nny who slaps himself in the head in embarrassment. Gaz drops the profits from the clones and runs away.
Merton- Hey! Money!
He bends down and picks it up but Faith snatches it off of him.
Merton- Hey!
Faith- That goes into the AKA treasury.
Willow- Um guys, she's just gonna sell more tomorrow.
Dib- I'll just threaten to tell Dad that she's sneaking out past dark without an escort.
Willow- But you're out past dark.
Dib- I told you. He thinks it's chess club.
Willow- Oh.
Merton- Don't we need to take care of all the clones?
Dib- Oh yeah. I'll just get a list of the people she sold them to.
Faith- Didn't Gaz say something about the clones surviving on Girl Scout cookies?
Merton- You mean those delicious little cookies that come in peanut butter, mint chocolate and sandies?
Faith- They're poisonous.
Merton- Oh. I feel sick. Does anyone have a barf bag?
All- Ewe!
They all stand clear while Merton tosses his cookies… Literally.
Willow- Hey! If they survive on Girl Scout cookies then all we have to do is wait until tomorrow and they should all show up with their masters to get fed and we can check them off the list!
Faith-Ok! We'll just meet back here tomorrow!
So they all start home to rest up for a night of Spike killing. Oh wait. They're all insomniacs. Well they all go home to sit around and pretend to be resting up for a night of Spike killing. Before Merton leaves, Willow follows after him.
Willow- Hey! You wanna go do something later tonight?
Merton- Ok. Pick you up at, um, 2:00?
Willow- Ok.
So Willow goes home to start preparing for her date with Merton. This won't end well. Let's follow Nny with our 'candid camera of narrational doom'. He's in his house torturing someone, thinking about how he's gonna prove his love to Willow.
Nny- How would you win her back?
Person- Ackl!
Nny- Yeah, I know, but I don't think that'll work for her.
Person- Erk!
Nny- Hey! You're right! What about that Oz guy? Her ex-boyfriend! Know what? Thanks. You've been a great help! No wonder they call you Doctor Love! To be quite honest, I always thought your show was corny and you were a fake so I decided to kill you! Oops! Oh well! See ya! I gotta go win Willow back!
Well now that we see where Nny gets his love advice. Let's see how Willow's doing. She's ready to go and is waiting for Merton, who's hearse broke down.
Willow- Uh oh. He's late. What if the evil, flying, dead groundhogs without tails got him?! I'd better call his cell and see what's taking him so long.
She heads to the living room to call when, what does she see? It's Nny, standing beside what appears to be a very hairy Oz all tied up and gagged.
Nny- Hi!
Willow- What are you doing here?!
Nny- I've come to prove my love for you!
Willow- I think you should know that-
Nny- Before you say anything, allow me to do what I came here to do. This is Oz, right?
Willow- Yeah.
Nny- Good. Now to show you how much I care about you and Dick, I'm gonna kill him.
Willow- Wait a second! I never-
Nny- Hold that thought.
Like I mentioned before, I'm really bad at gory details so I'm gonna just skip it once more and just tell you that there's a heck of a lot of blood on Willow's beige carpeting.
Willow- Ah! My carpet!
Nny- Yes! But aren't you glad he's dead? Now what were you going to say?
Willow- I was going to say that I never even thought you were a child molester! Faith and Spike saw the whole thing! We were only giving you a hard time because that's what we do!
Nny- Oh. Oops.
Willow- Just look at my carpet.
Nny- Well here's what I use.
Willow- Pine scented Stanley Steamer?
Nny- Yeah. It takes the blood right out. Here. Let me show you.
He bends down and starts scrubbing the carpet with a wash rag and some cleaner. Willow grabs a rag and helps.
Nny- See! The blood comes right out!
Willow- And leaves a fresh clean pine scent!
All of a sudden she jumps Nny. Ewe. Nasty. Thank God that Merton walks through the door at that precise moment or there really might be a little baby Dick.
Merton- Ah! What the heck! I knew something was going on between you two! I feel so used like a, a,
Nny- A high-fi radio?
Merton- What? No! That makes no sense! I'm going home to talk to my dead best friend! I give up on dating!
Willow- Wait! No! It's not what you think!
Nny- I gotta get more Stanley Steamer!
Willow- You jerk!
And she promptly kicks him out onto the pavement.
Nny- Why am I a jerk?!
Hmm. That was an unexpected twist. Let's follow Merton home with our 'candid camera of narrational doom'. Of coarse he's back in his lair.
Merton- That's it! I'm never dating the living again! My heart was broken once when you died, Tommy and that's not gonna happen again! I know! Let's go kill him! Let's get that back-stabbing… bundle of sticks!
Yes, he is talking about Nny. Somehow he finds Nny's house and walks up to the door with a large hatchet in hand. Harnessing all the hidden rage and anger and courage inside of him, (Must not have taken much effort) he makes his most angry face and rings the door bell.
Nny inside- Oooh! Visitors!
He opens the door and sees Merton making what he thinks is an angry face.
Nny- Ha ha! That's funny! How long did you rehearse that one? What can I do for you?
Merton- I'm here to kill you.
Nny- That's a good one! No seriously, what are you here for?
Merton- No, I was serious.
Nny- Oh. Ok. How come?
Merton can't stand it any longer. He drops the hatchet and breaks down crying on Nny's door step.
Nny- Don't cry! You'll feed my tulips salt water and they'll dry up like prunes! I suppose you expect me to play the role of the wise counselor here, don't you?
He says this standing up and speaking to the sky. (I guess that means the narrator)
Nny- Well guess what? You can't make me! So nnyahhh.
Did he just stick his tongue out at me? I know he didn't just stick his tongue out at me! Let's hit him with a bolt of lightning just to get our point across. (That point being that we are omnicient.) Feeling quite charred after receiving our little present to him, he sits down next to Merton, coughs a sort of dry cough and says in a hoarse voice:
Nny- What's wrong.
No emotion involved here.
Merton- I would think you would know!
Nny- Oh that. I didn't know you had a thing for her. I probably wouldn't have cared, but I didn't know.
Merton- After Faith killed Tommy, I didn't think I could ever love again but-
Nny- Excuse me, but did you say… Tommy?
Merton- Yes.
Nny- Ewe. Ewe! EWE!!!!!!!!!!
He jumps up and runs away down the street. Merton just shrugs it off and noticing that Nny left the door open, he wanders in. He finds it horribly disgusting but when he turns to leave the door is shut and locked behind him. Creepy… Not knowing what else to do, he wanders through Nny's 16 basement levels never seeing the light of day. I think we shall save this until the end of the story. I never did like him. But enough about my opinions which are highly expressed in the way I express each character but you don't know it cuz you're too stupid to notice how quiet and secretive I was about it. Or were you?… Oh well! Right now we need to view the rest of the A.K.A. meeting at the Girl Scout headquarters. Willow is holding up a check board with the list of people who bought the clones. Dib is identifying the owners of the clones for Willow while Faith and Nny kill every Spike that walks through the door. (Massive carnage. Fortunately there's not much blood since while the clones are clones they are Spike clones so they're vampires which means they wither away into dust when you stab them in the heart.
Nny- Hey Faith! What's wrong with this one?
He's standing there repetitively stabbing a clone in the head. But of course, since the only way to kill a vampire is to stake it, decapitate it or expose it to sunlight, it doesn't work.
Faith- You have to stab it through the heart, stupid!
Nny- Ohh!
He examines the stake, stabs him in the heart and watches Spike turn into dust. A big smile spreads across his face.
Nny- Cool!
After they're done killing all the Spikes, Willow glances at the check board.
Willow- Hey! We're missing about 5 Spikes.
.Faith- I guess we're gonna need to go to their houses and see what's up.
Nny- Oh yeah! That's a great idea! There's only one problem. WE DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY LIVE!
Faith- Oh yeah.
Willow- That's no problem. When I had a plot for vengeance against my classmates I just got a skool directory.
Dib- Hey, my skool has a directory. Unfortunately, I burned mine ceremonially.
Willow- Why?
Dib- I dunno. Anyway I'd love to help you get one but I have a report due on the eating habits of the Curupira. You guys shouldn't have too much trouble. You are crazed killers, right?
Faith- Uh, yeah. C'mon guys. Let's go the skool.
When they arrived in the skool office it is splattered with blood and a new, slutty looking secretary is sitting at the desk. Nny approaches the desk.
Secretary-Hello.
Nny- Uh, hi.
Secreetary- Do you want to come upstairs?
She says in her slutty voice.
Nny- Excuse me?
Secretary- Do you want to come upstairs? Oh, or have you come to arrange a holiday, er, uh, skool business?
Nny- Yeah, but what's this about coming upstairs?
Secretary- Nothing! Nothing! Now, how can I help you?
Nny- We need a directory.
Secretary- Well we have black, purple, orange, green, yellow, red, pink, lavender, blue, hazel, brown-
Nny- Stoooooooooooooop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please for the love of cheese, stop!
Faith grabs Nny and drags him out of the room.
Willow- We'll take black.
Secretary- Ok. You have a nice day.
They get outside the building and Willow looks up the address of the first person on the list.
Willow- Here it is. Mary. Let's go.
So they find Mary's house. They can hear a blood curdling scream coming from inside.
Mary- No!!!!! The jam!!!!! Why the jam!!!!!!?????????
Spike- Mwa ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!
Faith- That sounds like Spike! The real Spike!
They run into the house and see Spike or at least a Spike throwing his head back and laughing maniacally, and a little girl who looked like a nun holding up a piece of toast in despair. Faith grabs Spike and Nny holds a stake to his heart.
Spike- What the heck are you doing?!
Nny- Oh, um, killing you.
Spike- Why!?
Nny- Because you're a clone and you throw off the natural balance.
Spike- I'm not a clone! It's me! Spike!
Nny- Oh yeah? Prove it.
Spike- I, I-
Nny- Ha! You can't!
Spike- I bloody well can! Do you remember when I killed you all?
Nny- Abso-bloody-lutely.
He says this between clenched teeth. Faith lets him go and punches him in the stomach.
Faith- Jerk! We should kill you!
Mary- Oh wait. I can just use butter.
Spike- What?! After all the trouble I went to bring about my ultimate revenge you people have just been using butter! AHHHHHHH! That makes me so mad!
Nny- You took away their jam?
Spike- Yes. Wasn't it ingenious? But I didn't expect this twist.
Nny- That's lame.
Spike- It is not lame! It's maniacally beautiful!
Nny- Uh, yeah. Can we go now?
Spike- Yes.
He says this reluctantly. Once outside, Willow pauses.
Willow-Hey! What about the other Spikes?
Faith- I dunno. Let's go get Dib and grab some ice cream.
Willow- Ok.
They grab Dib and head off to the ice cream parlor. When they step in 4 bloated Spikes sitting at the counter eating ice cream turn to see them.
Spikes- Hi!
They all raise one eye brow. Collectively.
Spike- Ok…
Faith-Wha-?
Willow-That's a little weird.
Nny- Wow, Spike. You're really fat!
Spike punches Nny in the stomach and he doubles over in pain.
Faith- How did they survive?
Willow glances up at the menu board and points.
Willow- Look. They have a flavor called Girl Scout Cookie Crunch. I think that answers it.
Faith- Hey, has anyone seen Merton?
All- No.
Faith- Oh well.
That night Nny starts home. Let's follow him inside his house with our 'candid camera of narrational doom.' Inside his house, he takes off his coat and yawns.
Nny- Another nice night! I better write something before my creative energy wears off into tiredness.
He walks a little further into the room where he is going to turn on a lamp. When he is standing right next to the lamp he hits into something.
Nny- Ow! I don't recall redecorating!
Strnge object- Hello…
Nny- Um, hi? This is a new development. A lot of weird things talk in my house but this is the first time a lamp has spoken to me.
Strange object- A lamp? Hmm.
He cocks his head to one side.
Strange object- I don't think I look like a lamp. Do I, Nail Bunny?
Nny- Are you talking to Nail Bunny? I thought I was the only one who did that.
Strange Object- Really? I thought I was the only one who was who talked to Tommy! You two have been having an affair, haven't you!
Nny- Uh, hold that thought.
He reaches over and turns on the lamp shedding light on the room.
Nny- Merton?
Merton- Hello Johnny…
Nny- Hi!
Nny waves cheerfully and smiles really big despite the fact that Merton is standing only six inches away from him and he does not look happy.
Merton- Nny, I really am sorry that you went and had an affair with Tommy cuz now I have to kill you.
Nny- What? 1st of all I'm not like that. And 2nd, who's been telling you that I've been having an affair with your dead boyfriend?
Merton- Him!
He points to someone in the corner.
Nny- Mr. Eff? You believed him?!
Merton- Yes!
Nny- But he, he, HE LIES!
Merton- How do you know?
Nny- Merton, it's a long story. Sit down, my boy.
Merton- Ok.
They sit down and Nny tells his tragic story.
Merton- Wow! Did she really hurt you that bad?
Nny- Uh, yeah. Now can we get off the subject?
Merton- Yeah, sure, but you must have been really crushed!
Nny-Yeah, well, I certainly wasn't in the best of health after she slammed me into a window!
Merton- No, I mean emotionally!
Nny- No! I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY ANYONE WOULD BE CRUSHED AFTER REALIZING THAT THIS WAS THE PERSON YOU WANTED TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR SHORT LIFE WITH AND THEN THEY BEAT THE CRAP OF YOU!
Merton- Well gee Romeo, may be you shouldn't have tried to kill her!
Nny- Hey! Don't question me! I had my reasons! I was preserving the moment.
Merton- Oh. Does that really work?
Nny- Why are you asking me? If I had succeeded before this would I be speaking to you? NO!!!!!
Let's just skip out on this conversation for a moment and see what Faith and Spike are talking about. Faith has offerred to walk Spike home. Yes, I see what's wrong with that statement…
Spike- So Faith, was there some other reason why you offered to walk me home other than the fact that you find me bloody attractive and secretly hope we get conveniently lost in a grave yard?
Faith- Ewe! Yes! I wanted to ask you if you're finding the Nny, Willow and Merton triangle extremely annoying.
Spike- Yes. An undying, echoing through space and time yes. You don't know how many times I have wanted to throttle the bloody lot of them.
Faith- I want to fix it once and for all. We have to make Willow choose before this fan fic is over. We promised!
Spike- Hey! I have an idea! Have you ever seen that one show where the girl or guy has to choose between two potentials?
Faith- Hey! That's a great idea! We'll send Willow, Merton and Nny on a date and by the end of the date she'll have to make a final decision.
Spike- Ok. We'll tell them tomorrow. But for now, you wanna make out?
Faith- No.
The next night they're all sitting at the great stone table.
Faith- Our first order of business is-
Spike- We're bleeding tired of this stupid love triangle!
Merton- Beg pardon?
Faith- You, Willow and Nny! Willow, you need to pick one!
Willow- Why, whatever are you talking about?
Spike- You bloody well know what I'm talking about!
Nny- Bloody excuse me, but I wasn't bloody listening to the bloody conversation. I was bloody thinking about my love: Willow.
Spike- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHH!
Spike falls out of his chair.
Faith- Do you see my point?
Willow- I guess so.
Faith- We've arranged a solution to our problem. You go on a date with Merton and Nny and by the end you'll have to make a decision.
Willow- What if I can't decide?
Spike- The little yellow bears! LITTLE YELLOW BEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Faith- I think I'll leave that up to him.
Willow takes one look at Spike who is looking up at her from the floor where he has collapsed.
Willow- Where are we going?
On that note they all head off to Chi Chi's. Nny, Merton and Willow for their date. Spike, Faith and Dib to make sure she chooses, to help things along, and just to get out,
Mexican Waiter Man- Buenos Dias. Welcome to Chi Chi's. May I take your order?
Spike, Faith and Dib are sitting at a separate table right beside Nny, Merton and Willow's table.
Faith (whispering)- Pass the binoculars!
Spike- Yeah! It's our turn! Let us see!
Dib- Fine! But next time bring your own spy kit!
He hands them reluctantly to Faith.
Spike- Ok. Now whatever you do, don't order the chili!
Dib- Hey! What are they saying?
Faith- I don't know! I can't read lips, you know!
Spike- Excuse me! Did you not just hear what I said?! DO NOT order the chili!
Dib- Ok! Ok!
Faith- Cheese wiz, Spike! Lighten up!
Spike- Fine! Sure! But just don't order the chili!
The next table over:
Merton- Hey Willow, you want me to order for you?
Willow- No thank you! I'm an independent woman!
Nny- Ooh, chilly!
Merton- Hey! That's a great idea! Chili!
Willow- Yeah! I'll have some too!
Nny- That wasn't really what I meant, but what the heck! I'll have some too.
Mexican Waiter Man- Ok, so that's three chilis?
Over at the next table:
Spike- Did you hear that?! Three chilis! Quick! To the Angel Cave!
Spike ducks under the table.
Faith- What are you doing?!
Spike- Believe me, you'll thank me for this later.
He reaches up and pulls Faith and Dib under the table. At that moment the waiter comes by. He looks under the table at them.
Mexican Waiter Man- Um, can I take your order?
Spike- Yeah, we'll have 3 burritos.
Mexican Waiter Man- We're having a special on chili…
Spike- No! I said burritos, you son of a Girl Scout! You're not going to get me! Oh no, no you won't… uh-uh…
He sinks back under the table, muttering to himself. The waiter crosses himself and walks away quickly.
Faith- Geez, Spike! You didn't have to beat it into him! They're just burritos!
Spike- Not just burritos… Our salvation…
All of a sudden a guy walks out of the kitchen holding a tray with three steaming bowls of chili. Juan is his name and for those of you who don't know who this sexy, Mexican senor is he had to flee the rain forests of South America where he grew up to get away from the guerrillas. Supposedly they kidnapped him while he was riding around in a jeep with his grandfather. Later, sitting around the campfire, he and the guerrillas ate his grandfather. They told him to make some chili for them since that was the only thing he knew how to make but they didn't know that the last time Juan tried to make chili he blew up his house. (He has a special radioactive nuclear recipe.) Needless to say, the guerrillas were quite angry when their camp was blown up in a nuclear explosion. Several of them who had grown extra limbs from the radiation chased him until he got to his mother's house. She asked where Gramps was and he said he was tasty. "Ooh, boy you in trouble!" said his mother. His father shipped him off to America with his mother and the guerrillas chasing him. Now he wanders from job to job blowing up buildings and running from ex- managers.
Juan- Here's your chili and here's Juan's number!
He hands a slip of paper to Willow,
Nny- Hey! She's with me!
Merton- No way! She's with me!
Willow- Will you guys shut up! Please don't take the time to explain this sick twisted relationship! Thank you very much, but they're right. I'm with… them.
She hands the number back to Juan.
Juan- Are you sure?
Merton- Did you not just hear her?! Hey Nny, don't you have to go to the bathroom?
Nny- No. I went before we left.
Merton- Yes, but you have to go now don't you?
Nny- Oh! Yes! I do! Please excuse me!
Nny gets up, moves behind Juan, lifts a butter knife and… You get the idea.
Juan- Ay carumba! I'm leaking!
Juan collapses on the floor in a bloody mess. Nny, Willow and Merton all pick up their spoons and place them in the chili.
BOOM!
Spike- I told you…
Nny, Merton and Willow are all shocked at the um, explosiveness, ness ness ness of their chili. They turn their charred faces towards the kitchen.
Merton- We're not paying for this!
And with that the three get up and leave.
Nny- Hey! I know! Let's go see a movie! 'Blud and Guts' is playing!
Willow- Wait! Why would you want to go see a movie about such senseless violence and killing?
Nny- I dunno.
Merton- You horrible beast! That's terrible! Let's go see something quality like 'Ah! Look at Those Dead People!'
Nny- That's a stupid movie! I wanna see a movie about a misunderstood murderer who falls in love with this one beautiful girl but this other guy does too so the murderer kills 'im!
Willow- Stop it! We can see both movies! Look at this one. It's called Harry the Homicidal Zombie!
Nny and Merton- Ok!
They head into the movie theater. Spike, Faith and Dib, who have been following them, get to the ticket booth and Spike finds himself a little short.
Spike- Um, Faith?
Faith- Hurry up Spike. We don't have all night.
Spike- No. I, I-
Ticket person- Sir, it's $10.00.
Spike- I know the bloody cost!
Nny who is standing in line for popcorn turns around.
Nny- Bloody!
Spike- Shut up! Um, Faith, can I uh, maybe borrow a little cash? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Faith- Ha! Isn't that the biggest excuse I've ever heard from a guy! "My other pants!" Well no! You can't! Not this time, Dave!
Spike- I'm Spike.
Faith- Spike.
She turns and walks to the back of the line for popcorn. Dib, who is still standing next to him, hands him a ten.
Spike- Thanks Junior! I thought I might have given my wallet to you!
Dib- Who's juni-
Spike smiles to the ticket person as he leads Dib away and utters under his breath-
Spike- Shut up!
Meanwhile, Willow, Merton and Nny have gotten to the front of the popcorn line and guess who's dealing out the stuff!
Xander- Hello. What can I- Hey! Willow! It's been a while since I've seen you!
That's right! It's Willow's old friend from the Scoobies! Xander! Willow looks down, a little embarrassed.
Willow- Uh, hi Xander.
Xander- What are you doing here with these losers?
Losers- Hey!
Xander- And what's with the trench coats? Is that some sort of evil thing?
Nny- Trench coats aren't evil!
Merton- They're special!
Nny- Yeah! And what's with the preppy sweater you're wearing under that uniform?!
Xander- SWEATERS AREN'T PREPPY! They, they're special…
Nny- Yeah! See! Now you know what it feels like! It's not fun to be judged by your appearance is it?! I wonder what people would think of you if your pretty boy face was all screwed up! Wouldn't it be sad?!
Willow- Hey! The movie's gonna start! We don't have time for this!
Nny- Ooh! I'll have a cherry Brain Freezy and a medium popcorn. What do you guys wa-
Xander- Sir, we don't have Brain Freezies.
Nny- You don't!?!
Xander- No sir. Brain Freezies are stupid.
Nny- Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! Shut up!
He covers his ears.
Willow- Xander. I would stop if-
Xander- Aw, relax Wil. I'm just havin' a little fun with hi-
Nny is standing behind him holding a hatchet that happens to be wedged into his back.
Nny- We don't have time for this.
The group grabs some popcorn and and heads into the movie. Nny sets the money down on the counter. The people stand watching in utter shock and horror. Spike, Faith and Dib walk up tho the counter and grab some popcorn.
Spike- Hey Xander.
They go into the theater and leave the shocked crowd.
Someone from the crowd- Hey everybody! Free popcorn!
The crowd jumps on the popcorn and start devouring it like animals. Has mankind lost all decency?! The answer is a resounding maybe.
Nicely written by Cai and Jai
Ha! I'll bet you thought we were done! One could only hope. BUT WE'RE NOT! We're back. As you may recall, in our last ficcie, the A** Kickers Anonymous were brutally killed by a deranged Spike, but fortunately, Dib's dad, Professor Membrane, had a cloning machine, which was used to resurrect them. Meanwhile, Gaz is developing a crush on the sexy English vampire, and her devious little brain is churning accordingly… But what is she planning? How will the Nny / Willow / Merton triangle pan out? Will Faith go back on her promise to Dib and murder Spike? Will Spike's mind ever make sense again? Will they all be poisoned by the Satanist Girl Scouts? And most importantly, why doesn't Spike like mushroom spurs? Wait, what are mushroom spurs?
All these (except 'what are mushroom spurs?') and more will be answered in this, our twistedly mutated homophobic creation that we like to call 'Lorna DOOM!!!!' You know, after the cookie? Lorna Doon? Oh well. Just so you never buy any from cute little girls at your door. Those Girl Scouts poison them, I tell you! They're Satanists, all of them!!! But I digress… enjoy.
Oh yeah, by the way, the massive corniness that is about to follow is just one huge mockery of your average fic. We refuse to be your average fic. We guarantee you that you will always be able to look to Cai and Jai for twisted definitely-not-average ficcie goodness. So there.
Back in Spike's crypt:
Spike- So bored. Very bored. I've killed 4 people today but it just wasn't as fun as it used to be. Pity.
Spike gets a revelation and jumps out of his chair.
Spike- Revelation! I know what I'm lacking! Method! I need a reason to kill! What a weird idea. Let's see. I'm not hungry. How about annoyance? Who annoys me most? Angel! Nope.
That's in the next fic. Um, scoobies. No. That's a group thing. I KNOW! I'LL KILL NNY! No, that's stupid. Faith already wants to kill me. If I kill him then I'll undoubtedly stumble into one of those situations where the guy that gets killed gets all kind of attention from a person like, say, Faith, cause although nobody knew it they were really friends in a sick twisted way and that'll make her even more angry at me and since I don't like the blue cheese rain I think I'll stay out of that weird web of relationships. Am I the only one who sees what's going on!? It all a sick, twisted web of emotions! EMOTIONS! Emotions lead to scoobie likeness. Ick!
Well now that we've seen what stuff is like in Spike's world, let's check up on Gaz. I know what you're thinking. Gaz? Why Gaz? She's not even a member of the A** Kickers Anonymous! But trust me. There is a method to my madness. You'll see! You'll all see! Oh yeah. The story. Gaz is going down to her fathers lab with a devious grin and… What's this? A canister of Spike's blood? She must have found it at the school after the chemistry class dissected him! Oh no! She's placing it in the cloning machine! I can't watch!
Let's just skip ahead to the next night, when Spike is walking to the next meeting of the A** Kickers Anonymous. He is busy crouching behind some bushes because he is passing by the dreaded Girl Scout headquarters. Gasp! He continues run by in a 007 style until he runs into something. He is knocked flat on his back. He looks up and sees a man standing there, extending a hand down to him. There is something familiar about the man. He is wearing black boots and a long trench coat. He has platinum blond hair and the famous cheek bones of… He can't place his finger on it. Then all of a sudden it dawns on our bright crayon.
Spike- You're, you're me!
Spike2 automatically smiles upon hearing his voice.
Spike2- Omega! It's you!
Spike- Yes! I'm me! You're not Spike!
Spike2- Yes I am! But you're the omega! What is it you desire great one?
Spike- Um, What are you?
Spike2- I'm Spike!
Spike- No you're not.
Spike2- Yes I am.
Spike- I have to get out of here! I'm confused! So confused!
Spike runs off to join his A** Kickers Anonymous friends. When he arrives they have started. Faith, who is still very angry at him, gives him a nasty look.
Faith- You're late.
Spike- I'm sorry?
Faith- So, now you're sorry. After all the trouble you caused ,you're sorry for being late?! Do you even have a soul?
Spike- Not really. And I didn't cause that much trouble.
Faith- You killed us all! Violently!
Spike- I'm not the first to try.
He shoots a glance over to Nny who is grateful for some attention.
Spike- And not everyone. I didn't kill Dib.
Faith- First of all, you were the only one to succeed at killing us and second, uh, and second, I DON'T KNOW! But I do know you killed most of us.
Spike- I said I was sorry! And if that's not enough for you people then I guess we can't be friends.
He starts to walk out of the room reluctantly.
Faith- Sit down!
Spike- Fine! Don't yell at me!
Faith- Now, does anyone have anything for us to take care of?
Willow- Ooh! Ooh! I do!
Faith- What?
Willow- My ex-boy friend!
Nny- Don't worry. I'll take care of him.
Willow- You?
Nny- I thought we agreed that I should kill him since- Oh wait! You guys don't know yet, do ya?! It's official! We're going steady!
Willow- Stop it! STOP IT! You're driving me insane! Back off!
Nny- I like it when you're all controlling like that!
An ingenious idea pops into Willow's head.
Willow- Ok, Nny. You can kill him. He's a werewolf and his name's Oz. You figure it out.
Nny- Ok!
Willow shudders on the inside but consoles herself with the fact that soon she'd be rid of either Oz or Nny. It doesn't matter which.
Spike- Well that's done with. Now, I just met myself over by the Girl Scout's place. I'd say that could use a little more checking into than your petty grudges, wouldn't you?!
Faith- For your information, Billy, our desires for vengeance are far from petty. My hatred for Buffy is deep and profound! I deserve a book deal!
Willow- That's right! I was deserted by the love of my life so he could go discover his stupid 'inner wolf,' and I think he deserves to die for it!
Nny- And I just hate everybody! Except you, Willow, my muse, my eternal inspiration, my fiery little jawbreaker, my wicked witch of the west, my…
Willlow- Shut up already. We get the point.
Dib- And Zim! Don't forget Zim!
Faith- But I've always rooted for Zim…
Dib- I shouldn't have expected sympathy. Mine is a high and lonely destiny…
Spike- We've all said that, kid. That's pretty much how we became scourges of society.
Dib- Oh. Um, oops. I guess I take it back, then.
Faith- Sorry. Too late. You're one of us now…
Spike- Wait a minute! Sorry to interrupt this touchingly creepy moment here, but isn't anyone else the least bit curious as to why there's suddenly more than one of me?!
They all stop to ponder. Suddenly, a light bulb ignites above Merton's head.
Merton- Wow! A light bulb! I've always wondered if that was really possible…
Ok, so maybe Spike is schizophrenic!
Faith- But wouldn't the multiple personalities be inside his head?
Merton- Oh, yeah…
1 They start pondering again…
Spike- You know what? This is just stupid! We're no bloody 'think tank!' We should be out there checkin' up on this thing, for god's sakes!
Merton- Yeah! Men of action, right buddy?
He elbows Spike, who looks down at the little goth disdainfully.
Spike- No. Don't even start with me. Not only are you going nowhere, but I'm going to rip your bloody vocal cords out next time you call me 'buddy.' Your ex-gayness frightens me.
Nny giggles mischievously.
Nny- Bloody….
Faith- Don't start that again! We probably would be much more in our element if we were out there doing something.
Merton raises his hand tentatively.
Faith- Or most of us would. Nny, Spike, you're with me. Willow, Merton, Dib, you stay here and, uh… think.
Dib- C'mon! Please! I'm sure I could be very handy in a combat situation!
Faith- Sorry, but you're just too short. You're very small, Dib.
Willow- I know lots of helpful spells!
Faith- We all know it was really the special effects people, Willow.
Willow- Ohhh….
Nny- It's okay, Willow. I promise I'll come back! I know you really just want to come so you can make sure I don't get killed because then the baby you're not telling me about would have to grow up without a father. But I'll do my best to make it back, even if I'm torn and mangled and unrecognizable!
Spike- You're about to become unrecognizable now…
Nny- I'll come back for you and little Dick!
Willow- Dick?! You named our kid Dick?! I pity that poor child. Or, I would, if he even existed!
Faith- Enough. Let's just go and leave this madness. I swear, with all that you guys bicker, you really should be a couple.
Merton- I think Dick's a good name…
Faith- You would, wouldn't you?
This is making me sick. Okay, they've finally separated, and Faith, Nny, and Spike are closing in on the Girl Scouts' headquarters. Oddly enough, there isn't a Girl Scout in sight, though there are several small female children milling around. A few are happily clutching the hand of… Spike. Or at least an exact copy. He has a very vacant stare, like a Jello mold.
Our heroes are hiding in the bushes, whispering and creeping about like guerillas (No, not the hairy kind).
Faith- This is getting weird. We need to get closer to see where the copies are coming from.
Nny- Maybe some scary little girl is selling Spike clones like the latest Barbie…
Spike- I'm no Barbie! A bloody sexy Ken maybe, but…
Faith- Wait! Where's Nny?!
Spike- Oh well. C'mon, let's get out of here before he comes back.
Faith- No. We have to go get him.
Spike- But why?…
I'll bet you know where Nny is, don't you? Yes! He is deep within the den of ultimate evil! I can just feel the evil vibes emanating from all those Satanist cookies…
Inside, a scary little girl with purple hair and a skull amulet is auctioning off a seeming army of Spike clones. It would appear that Nny was right for once…
Gaz- He's $1200, just like the rest of them. Designed not to give you any trouble, yet to keep all the desirable qualities of the original. Just remember, he needs Girl Scout cookies to survive. I think it's something in the poison…
A little girl hands her some money and takes the clone.
Little Girl- Okay!
A short boy with fluffy hair and a rainbow T-shirt approaches the platform. He is the only boy present at the meeting. What does that tell you?
Gaz- Oh. Hi Keef.
Keef- Here's my money! I had to drain my college savings account and pawn my parents.
Gaz- He's all yours.
Keef walks off hugging his clone's leg. Gaz looks after him disgustedly.
Gaz- That kid makes me sick.
Nny- Me too.
Gaz looks up, shocked to see a tall, thin, pale man standing over her, looking disgustedly at the crowd. She is somewhat afraid for a moment. Wouldn't you be if you saw a weirdo like Nny standing beside you all of a sudden? Ok, I wouldn't either, but any way she's looking up at him with that 'Excuse me, but why are you talking to me?' look which she's so good at.
Nny- What? Is there something on my face? It's jam, isn't it? Darn the stupid jam factory workers! I shall have my revenge!
The single word revenge echoes in Gaz's head for a while. What is she thinking?
In Gaz's head- Hmm. I could use this stupid man's idea for a new advertising technique. Revenge. Surely these clones could also do some serious butt kicking. Heck! If what Dib's been saying about Spike is true then they're probably killers! Cool! I'll just change my advertising technique a little and spread the word around school tomorrow that Spike drones aren't just for girls!
She's been standing there for a long time when Nny notices that she's not responding to anything he says. He taps her on the shoulder. She doesn't respond. (She's still deep in thought.) He shakes her lightly. No response. He proceeds to shake her violently, panicked now. By this time Faith and Spike have enterred the building. When Nny finally lets Gaz drop to the floor he is a nervous wreck.
Nny- I don't remember CPR! What am I gonna do?! Maybe I should try anyway!
He kneels beside Gaz who is still in shock. Oh no! I can't watch!
Spike- I think I speak for Dib when I say please don't.
Nny- Spike! Thank God you're here! Do you remember CPR?
Spike-It's been at least 100 years since I last learned! Wait! She's conscious! She doesn't need it! You idiot!
Nny looks down at Gaz who is pulling herself up to her feet. Of coarse she looks very peeved.
Gaz- What the heck? My dad warned me about people like you!
She runs away.
Faith- Geez! What's your problem? I wonder what Willow would think if she knew about this.
Nny- Knew about what?
Nny stares at them, confused. They begin to leave (They appear to have forgotten why they came). Nny runs after Spike.
Nny- You believe me, don't you Spike?! I honestly thought she was unconscious! I would never do that! I hate kids! Well, I don't hate them hate them. I like kids! Just not like that. OK, FINE I WAS LYING! Most kids scare me. But you get the idea! I'm not a child molester!
Spike- I believe you and so does Faith and everyone else here but the real problem is Willow.
Nny- But she's not even here!
Spike- Precisely. While Faith believes you if there's one thing girls love more than well… me, it's a good story. Gossip is our enemy. Even though she knows it's not true she'll go and tell her gossip buddy that you have weird pastimes. Well, weirder than the ones you have now… If that's possible.
Nny- Are you sure?
Spike- Oh yes. You should hear the way they gab! 'Like, oh my gosh! No way! Spike dyes his hair!? Wow! Now we can flaunt our newly acquired knowledge in front of him and point and call him bottle blond!'
Nny- Is that really true?
Spike- Shut up.
Nny- So I'm really doomed?
Spike- 'Fraid so.
Nny- Poopie.
They all part their separate ways, but once again our 'candid camera of narrational doom' follows them. Let's see what's going on with Merton. He's sitting in his 'lair' once again, talking to Tommy.
Merton- I know I said I wasn't going to do this anymore but I can't help it. I need someone to talk to. You remember Willow right? Well I think she likes me but I'm not sure! Then there's this other guy that keeps on saying she's pregnant with his child or something. She hates him but what if he's telling the truth?!You know what that means! COMPETITION! I don't do well under pressure!
You get the idea. Let's see what Spike is up to. Once more he is talking to the picture of Buffy, Angel's photo looking at them jealously from the other wall.
Spike (to Buffy)- So I made this stupid guy fret over nothing! See, Buffy! There are worse things than torture! Sure they might joke about it a little but nobody actually thinks he's a child molester! Imagine! Nny: A CHILD MOLESTER!!?? That's funny! It's almost as funny as me being a child molester! What do you mean, your sister! I would never do anything like that! Stop giggling! It's not funny! You too, Angel! I know of a certain torch that needs refilling! Hey Buffy! Wanna make out?
Oh no. Not this again. Let's just go see how Faith and Willow are doing. Although, instead of seeing, let's just listen in on their phone conversation. It saves time and money. VHS film is depressingly expensive these days. Phone bugs are much cheaper. And cooler.
Willow- That's funny! He must have been really embarrassed! I wish I'd been there! I also wish he were dead. Wait, embarrassment is worse than death! I'll bet he's hitting his head against the wall repeatedly! Wow! It's like hearing that the mad serial killer that's been after you has finally been caught! Actually it's exactly like that. Yes! The yearning in my soul for his misery has finally subsided! He's gonna-
Faith- Willow! I know you're happy but don't over do it! I've got another phone call to make so if you wanna say something say it now.
Willow- Yeah. Does he know you guys saw the whole thing and that we believe him?
Faith- I don't know. Let's give him a hard time about it just like we did with Spike and his can of hair dye.
Willow- Yeah, those were good times. OK!
Faith hangs up the phone and dials Nny's number.
Nny- Hello?
Faith- It's Faith. What are you doing?
Nny- Nothin'
Faith- I can hear the noise of your head hitting the wall and I can't hear tortured screams in the back round. Stop it! You're killing brain cells!
Nny- Oh! But the pain gives me something else to focus on!
Faith- Nny, I have to ask you a serious question.
Nny- This isn't gonna be one of those life changing, award winning, best cartoonist of the year questions, is it?
Faith- Do you cut yourself?
Nny- No.
Faith- Oh. Well ok then.
Nny- Is that all?
Faith- Yeah. That's pretty much it.
Nny- Ok. G'night then!
Faith- Take it easy!
Faith and Nny hang up the phone. WASN'T THAT CORNY!? They're becoming just like the scoobies only… worse! I mean, c'mon! They forgot all about what they went to the Girl Scout lair to do! Oh well. We'll see if we can fix this mangled mess of a fic.
The next night we are once again stalking Spike with our 'candid camera of narrational doom'. He's creeping past the Girl Scout lair, when he sees even more Spikes with all kinds of little children. It is only then that he remembers what last night's task was.
Spike- Gee! Better go tell-
And then he gets an idea. Ok. Now think back real far. Those of you who are in your mother's womb have gone too far back. Do you remember how Spike got that look on his face when Dib said he gets picked on? Good! Now can you guess what Spike's thinkin'? May be if you're a super genius like me. He's thinking he could pose as one of the clones and one by one destroy Dib's classmates for him! Fun! But how will he accomplish such a deed as getting rid of one of the clones of himself? How will he perform this amazing feat? He walks over to a clone whose master is not present at the moment and-!
Spike- Hey, there's an ice cream place over there. Why don't you go get some?
Spike's clone- Ok!
Gee. That was hard. Even I'm amazed at my skill for dramatic flare. Anyway, Spike assumes the exact position that the clone had and pretty soon a boy from Dib's class walks up. (What stupid luck that it would be someone from Dib's class and not pre-skool!)
Boy- C'mon Spike. I'm done in the bathroom. Let's go home and rest, for tomorrow you shall rain doom upon all my foes! Goody!
Spike follows. Let's see how our friends who actually made it to the AKA meeting are faring.
Merton- Um, are we ever gonna do anything?
Willow- Yeah. This is kinda boring.
Faith- Has anyone seen Spike?
Nny- No. I'm bored.
Willow- Why don't you go hit on Dib's sister?
Dib- What?!
Faith- Didn't anyone tell you? Nny's a child molester.
Dib- Ewe! You sicko! Stay away from my sister!
Nny- That's not true! I'm not a child molester! I'm not a sicko! I may be a lot of things but I am not a child molester! I honestly thought she was unconscious! I was gonna give her CPR, if necessary! If Faith had to give her CPR, would you call her a child molesting lesbian?
Willow- No. But you're not Faith. It's more fun to make fun of you.
Nny- Willow! You believe me don't you!? You know my love for you would be enough to content me if in fact I was a child molester, right?!
Willow- No.
Nny- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Then I suppose I'll have to prove my love for you!
Willow- No really. You don't have to. Please don't!
Nny- I must! We can't have Dick grow up without a father just cuz we couldn't get along! Stay together for the kids!
Faith- Hey! I like that song!
Willow- Me too!
And so they just break out in song. It's not right! Hope they enjoyed their holiday. They threw it all away! It was mine! Oh no! Not me too!
Nny- But, You're missing the point!
Merton- Hey guys! I brought donuts!
All- Donuts!
Spike spends the night preparing to destroy the owner of the Spike clone, whoever he may be. The boy wakes up, goes downstairs, opens the cupboard and-!
Boy- We're out of jam?! No! What will I put on my toast?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Spike steps into the kitchen and begins to laugh maniacally.
Spike- At last, the first step of my vengeance is complete!
After Spike leaves, (It's still dark) the boy regains his composure.
Boy- Oh wait! What about butter!? Yay!
Before the boy says this Spike has already run out of the boy's house, still laughing and runs off to replace another one of Dib's classmate's clones. But first he must go to the skool to obtain a directory to see where Dib's other classmates live. This should be interesting. He walks into the office and is greeted by the overly happy secretary behind the desk.
Secretary- Hello sir! What can I do for you today?
Spike- I need a skool directory.
Secretary- Why?
Spike- Um… I just need one.
Secretary- I'm sorry sir. We don't just go around giving out our student's addresses to just anybody! They might wind up being deranged serial killers! And what kind of skool would we be then?
Spike- Oh no. You see, my son, uh, Ted goes here and we need a new one.
Secretary- That's funny. I don't remember a Ted being on our list of students this year.
Spike- Oh! That's because he's… um, he's an invisible boy.
Secretary- Really!? Invisible?
Spike- Yes. Horrible accident when he was five.
The secretary gets a questioning look on her face.
Secretary- Ok! Would you like it in red, yellow, blue, black, tan, beige, white, pink, purple, lavender, green, orange----------------
Spike- I can't take it! Stop it!
But the secretary just keeps droning on so Spike does the first thing that comes into his head. He kills the secretary. I won't give you the violent, gory details especially since I'm really bad at giving details about that stuff but let's just say that the coroner's gonna have a hard time with that one. After that, he heads off to the first one on the list. I don't know his name so we're just gonna call him Bill. He simply tells the clone about the ice cream place to get rid of it and for the rest of the day he acts as the clone until night, when he steals the jam. He does this for several nights, so many of Dib's classmates are now eating their toast with butter. Let's see how the rest of our friends are doing. We join them at yet another meeting of the AKA.
Nny- Now I remember!
Merton- Ah! You surprised me! Now look! You ruined my picture!
Nny- Hey! Is that a guillotine?
Merton- Yeah! And-
Nny and Merton- Marie Anntoinette's head!
Merton- Wow! You're interested in the French Revolution?
Nny- Sorta!
Merton- Did you know there's a museum in Ireland that-
Faith- As touching as this is, what is it that you remembered, Nny the child molester?
He shudders at the name but he answers anyway since she and Willow have been calling him that for more than three days now. His next statement is forced through clenched teeth.
Nny- I remembered, Faith, what we were supposed to be doing these past few days! It's been nagging at me like when you know you need to do something but can't remember what it was until the goldfish dies of starvation!
Willow- What is it already?!
Nny- We were supposed to be stopping the evil clones of Spike!
Faith- Oh yeah! Now I remember! Hey, where is Spike?
Dib- I dunno. But we better stop Gaz from selling any more clones.
Nny- C'mon! To the Girl Scout lair!
They all run to the Girl Scout lair and find Gaz still selling off clones.
Dib- Gaz, stop!
Gaz- Oh, it's you and your new little friends. Well who's gonna stop-
She sees Nny who slaps himself in the head in embarrassment. Gaz drops the profits from the clones and runs away.
Merton- Hey! Money!
He bends down and picks it up but Faith snatches it off of him.
Merton- Hey!
Faith- That goes into the AKA treasury.
Willow- Um guys, she's just gonna sell more tomorrow.
Dib- I'll just threaten to tell Dad that she's sneaking out past dark without an escort.
Willow- But you're out past dark.
Dib- I told you. He thinks it's chess club.
Willow- Oh.
Merton- Don't we need to take care of all the clones?
Dib- Oh yeah. I'll just get a list of the people she sold them to.
Faith- Didn't Gaz say something about the clones surviving on Girl Scout cookies?
Merton- You mean those delicious little cookies that come in peanut butter, mint chocolate and sandies?
Faith- They're poisonous.
Merton- Oh. I feel sick. Does anyone have a barf bag?
All- Ewe!
They all stand clear while Merton tosses his cookies… Literally.
Willow- Hey! If they survive on Girl Scout cookies then all we have to do is wait until tomorrow and they should all show up with their masters to get fed and we can check them off the list!
Faith-Ok! We'll just meet back here tomorrow!
So they all start home to rest up for a night of Spike killing. Oh wait. They're all insomniacs. Well they all go home to sit around and pretend to be resting up for a night of Spike killing. Before Merton leaves, Willow follows after him.
Willow- Hey! You wanna go do something later tonight?
Merton- Ok. Pick you up at, um, 2:00?
Willow- Ok.
So Willow goes home to start preparing for her date with Merton. This won't end well. Let's follow Nny with our 'candid camera of narrational doom'. He's in his house torturing someone, thinking about how he's gonna prove his love to Willow.
Nny- How would you win her back?
Person- Ackl!
Nny- Yeah, I know, but I don't think that'll work for her.
Person- Erk!
Nny- Hey! You're right! What about that Oz guy? Her ex-boyfriend! Know what? Thanks. You've been a great help! No wonder they call you Doctor Love! To be quite honest, I always thought your show was corny and you were a fake so I decided to kill you! Oops! Oh well! See ya! I gotta go win Willow back!
Well now that we see where Nny gets his love advice. Let's see how Willow's doing. She's ready to go and is waiting for Merton, who's hearse broke down.
Willow- Uh oh. He's late. What if the evil, flying, dead groundhogs without tails got him?! I'd better call his cell and see what's taking him so long.
She heads to the living room to call when, what does she see? It's Nny, standing beside what appears to be a very hairy Oz all tied up and gagged.
Nny- Hi!
Willow- What are you doing here?!
Nny- I've come to prove my love for you!
Willow- I think you should know that-
Nny- Before you say anything, allow me to do what I came here to do. This is Oz, right?
Willow- Yeah.
Nny- Good. Now to show you how much I care about you and Dick, I'm gonna kill him.
Willow- Wait a second! I never-
Nny- Hold that thought.
Like I mentioned before, I'm really bad at gory details so I'm gonna just skip it once more and just tell you that there's a heck of a lot of blood on Willow's beige carpeting.
Willow- Ah! My carpet!
Nny- Yes! But aren't you glad he's dead? Now what were you going to say?
Willow- I was going to say that I never even thought you were a child molester! Faith and Spike saw the whole thing! We were only giving you a hard time because that's what we do!
Nny- Oh. Oops.
Willow- Just look at my carpet.
Nny- Well here's what I use.
Willow- Pine scented Stanley Steamer?
Nny- Yeah. It takes the blood right out. Here. Let me show you.
He bends down and starts scrubbing the carpet with a wash rag and some cleaner. Willow grabs a rag and helps.
Nny- See! The blood comes right out!
Willow- And leaves a fresh clean pine scent!
All of a sudden she jumps Nny. Ewe. Nasty. Thank God that Merton walks through the door at that precise moment or there really might be a little baby Dick.
Merton- Ah! What the heck! I knew something was going on between you two! I feel so used like a, a,
Nny- A high-fi radio?
Merton- What? No! That makes no sense! I'm going home to talk to my dead best friend! I give up on dating!
Willow- Wait! No! It's not what you think!
Nny- I gotta get more Stanley Steamer!
Willow- You jerk!
And she promptly kicks him out onto the pavement.
Nny- Why am I a jerk?!
Hmm. That was an unexpected twist. Let's follow Merton home with our 'candid camera of narrational doom'. Of coarse he's back in his lair.
Merton- That's it! I'm never dating the living again! My heart was broken once when you died, Tommy and that's not gonna happen again! I know! Let's go kill him! Let's get that back-stabbing… bundle of sticks!
Yes, he is talking about Nny. Somehow he finds Nny's house and walks up to the door with a large hatchet in hand. Harnessing all the hidden rage and anger and courage inside of him, (Must not have taken much effort) he makes his most angry face and rings the door bell.
Nny inside- Oooh! Visitors!
He opens the door and sees Merton making what he thinks is an angry face.
Nny- Ha ha! That's funny! How long did you rehearse that one? What can I do for you?
Merton- I'm here to kill you.
Nny- That's a good one! No seriously, what are you here for?
Merton- No, I was serious.
Nny- Oh. Ok. How come?
Merton can't stand it any longer. He drops the hatchet and breaks down crying on Nny's door step.
Nny- Don't cry! You'll feed my tulips salt water and they'll dry up like prunes! I suppose you expect me to play the role of the wise counselor here, don't you?
He says this standing up and speaking to the sky. (I guess that means the narrator)
Nny- Well guess what? You can't make me! So nnyahhh.
Did he just stick his tongue out at me? I know he didn't just stick his tongue out at me! Let's hit him with a bolt of lightning just to get our point across. (That point being that we are omnicient.) Feeling quite charred after receiving our little present to him, he sits down next to Merton, coughs a sort of dry cough and says in a hoarse voice:
Nny- What's wrong.
No emotion involved here.
Merton- I would think you would know!
Nny- Oh that. I didn't know you had a thing for her. I probably wouldn't have cared, but I didn't know.
Merton- After Faith killed Tommy, I didn't think I could ever love again but-
Nny- Excuse me, but did you say… Tommy?
Merton- Yes.
Nny- Ewe. Ewe! EWE!!!!!!!!!!
He jumps up and runs away down the street. Merton just shrugs it off and noticing that Nny left the door open, he wanders in. He finds it horribly disgusting but when he turns to leave the door is shut and locked behind him. Creepy… Not knowing what else to do, he wanders through Nny's 16 basement levels never seeing the light of day. I think we shall save this until the end of the story. I never did like him. But enough about my opinions which are highly expressed in the way I express each character but you don't know it cuz you're too stupid to notice how quiet and secretive I was about it. Or were you?… Oh well! Right now we need to view the rest of the A.K.A. meeting at the Girl Scout headquarters. Willow is holding up a check board with the list of people who bought the clones. Dib is identifying the owners of the clones for Willow while Faith and Nny kill every Spike that walks through the door. (Massive carnage. Fortunately there's not much blood since while the clones are clones they are Spike clones so they're vampires which means they wither away into dust when you stab them in the heart.
Nny- Hey Faith! What's wrong with this one?
He's standing there repetitively stabbing a clone in the head. But of course, since the only way to kill a vampire is to stake it, decapitate it or expose it to sunlight, it doesn't work.
Faith- You have to stab it through the heart, stupid!
Nny- Ohh!
He examines the stake, stabs him in the heart and watches Spike turn into dust. A big smile spreads across his face.
Nny- Cool!
After they're done killing all the Spikes, Willow glances at the check board.
Willow- Hey! We're missing about 5 Spikes.
.Faith- I guess we're gonna need to go to their houses and see what's up.
Nny- Oh yeah! That's a great idea! There's only one problem. WE DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY LIVE!
Faith- Oh yeah.
Willow- That's no problem. When I had a plot for vengeance against my classmates I just got a skool directory.
Dib- Hey, my skool has a directory. Unfortunately, I burned mine ceremonially.
Willow- Why?
Dib- I dunno. Anyway I'd love to help you get one but I have a report due on the eating habits of the Curupira. You guys shouldn't have too much trouble. You are crazed killers, right?
Faith- Uh, yeah. C'mon guys. Let's go the skool.
When they arrived in the skool office it is splattered with blood and a new, slutty looking secretary is sitting at the desk. Nny approaches the desk.
Secretary-Hello.
Nny- Uh, hi.
Secreetary- Do you want to come upstairs?
She says in her slutty voice.
Nny- Excuse me?
Secretary- Do you want to come upstairs? Oh, or have you come to arrange a holiday, er, uh, skool business?
Nny- Yeah, but what's this about coming upstairs?
Secretary- Nothing! Nothing! Now, how can I help you?
Nny- We need a directory.
Secretary- Well we have black, purple, orange, green, yellow, red, pink, lavender, blue, hazel, brown-
Nny- Stoooooooooooooop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please for the love of cheese, stop!
Faith grabs Nny and drags him out of the room.
Willow- We'll take black.
Secretary- Ok. You have a nice day.
They get outside the building and Willow looks up the address of the first person on the list.
Willow- Here it is. Mary. Let's go.
So they find Mary's house. They can hear a blood curdling scream coming from inside.
Mary- No!!!!! The jam!!!!! Why the jam!!!!!!?????????
Spike- Mwa ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!
Faith- That sounds like Spike! The real Spike!
They run into the house and see Spike or at least a Spike throwing his head back and laughing maniacally, and a little girl who looked like a nun holding up a piece of toast in despair. Faith grabs Spike and Nny holds a stake to his heart.
Spike- What the heck are you doing?!
Nny- Oh, um, killing you.
Spike- Why!?
Nny- Because you're a clone and you throw off the natural balance.
Spike- I'm not a clone! It's me! Spike!
Nny- Oh yeah? Prove it.
Spike- I, I-
Nny- Ha! You can't!
Spike- I bloody well can! Do you remember when I killed you all?
Nny- Abso-bloody-lutely.
He says this between clenched teeth. Faith lets him go and punches him in the stomach.
Faith- Jerk! We should kill you!
Mary- Oh wait. I can just use butter.
Spike- What?! After all the trouble I went to bring about my ultimate revenge you people have just been using butter! AHHHHHHH! That makes me so mad!
Nny- You took away their jam?
Spike- Yes. Wasn't it ingenious? But I didn't expect this twist.
Nny- That's lame.
Spike- It is not lame! It's maniacally beautiful!
Nny- Uh, yeah. Can we go now?
Spike- Yes.
He says this reluctantly. Once outside, Willow pauses.
Willow-Hey! What about the other Spikes?
Faith- I dunno. Let's go get Dib and grab some ice cream.
Willow- Ok.
They grab Dib and head off to the ice cream parlor. When they step in 4 bloated Spikes sitting at the counter eating ice cream turn to see them.
Spikes- Hi!
They all raise one eye brow. Collectively.
Spike- Ok…
Faith-Wha-?
Willow-That's a little weird.
Nny- Wow, Spike. You're really fat!
Spike punches Nny in the stomach and he doubles over in pain.
Faith- How did they survive?
Willow glances up at the menu board and points.
Willow- Look. They have a flavor called Girl Scout Cookie Crunch. I think that answers it.
Faith- Hey, has anyone seen Merton?
All- No.
Faith- Oh well.
That night Nny starts home. Let's follow him inside his house with our 'candid camera of narrational doom.' Inside his house, he takes off his coat and yawns.
Nny- Another nice night! I better write something before my creative energy wears off into tiredness.
He walks a little further into the room where he is going to turn on a lamp. When he is standing right next to the lamp he hits into something.
Nny- Ow! I don't recall redecorating!
Strnge object- Hello…
Nny- Um, hi? This is a new development. A lot of weird things talk in my house but this is the first time a lamp has spoken to me.
Strange object- A lamp? Hmm.
He cocks his head to one side.
Strange object- I don't think I look like a lamp. Do I, Nail Bunny?
Nny- Are you talking to Nail Bunny? I thought I was the only one who did that.
Strange Object- Really? I thought I was the only one who was who talked to Tommy! You two have been having an affair, haven't you!
Nny- Uh, hold that thought.
He reaches over and turns on the lamp shedding light on the room.
Nny- Merton?
Merton- Hello Johnny…
Nny- Hi!
Nny waves cheerfully and smiles really big despite the fact that Merton is standing only six inches away from him and he does not look happy.
Merton- Nny, I really am sorry that you went and had an affair with Tommy cuz now I have to kill you.
Nny- What? 1st of all I'm not like that. And 2nd, who's been telling you that I've been having an affair with your dead boyfriend?
Merton- Him!
He points to someone in the corner.
Nny- Mr. Eff? You believed him?!
Merton- Yes!
Nny- But he, he, HE LIES!
Merton- How do you know?
Nny- Merton, it's a long story. Sit down, my boy.
Merton- Ok.
They sit down and Nny tells his tragic story.
Merton- Wow! Did she really hurt you that bad?
Nny- Uh, yeah. Now can we get off the subject?
Merton- Yeah, sure, but you must have been really crushed!
Nny-Yeah, well, I certainly wasn't in the best of health after she slammed me into a window!
Merton- No, I mean emotionally!
Nny- No! I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY ANYONE WOULD BE CRUSHED AFTER REALIZING THAT THIS WAS THE PERSON YOU WANTED TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR SHORT LIFE WITH AND THEN THEY BEAT THE CRAP OF YOU!
Merton- Well gee Romeo, may be you shouldn't have tried to kill her!
Nny- Hey! Don't question me! I had my reasons! I was preserving the moment.
Merton- Oh. Does that really work?
Nny- Why are you asking me? If I had succeeded before this would I be speaking to you? NO!!!!!
Let's just skip out on this conversation for a moment and see what Faith and Spike are talking about. Faith has offerred to walk Spike home. Yes, I see what's wrong with that statement…
Spike- So Faith, was there some other reason why you offered to walk me home other than the fact that you find me bloody attractive and secretly hope we get conveniently lost in a grave yard?
Faith- Ewe! Yes! I wanted to ask you if you're finding the Nny, Willow and Merton triangle extremely annoying.
Spike- Yes. An undying, echoing through space and time yes. You don't know how many times I have wanted to throttle the bloody lot of them.
Faith- I want to fix it once and for all. We have to make Willow choose before this fan fic is over. We promised!
Spike- Hey! I have an idea! Have you ever seen that one show where the girl or guy has to choose between two potentials?
Faith- Hey! That's a great idea! We'll send Willow, Merton and Nny on a date and by the end of the date she'll have to make a final decision.
Spike- Ok. We'll tell them tomorrow. But for now, you wanna make out?
Faith- No.
The next night they're all sitting at the great stone table.
Faith- Our first order of business is-
Spike- We're bleeding tired of this stupid love triangle!
Merton- Beg pardon?
Faith- You, Willow and Nny! Willow, you need to pick one!
Willow- Why, whatever are you talking about?
Spike- You bloody well know what I'm talking about!
Nny- Bloody excuse me, but I wasn't bloody listening to the bloody conversation. I was bloody thinking about my love: Willow.
Spike- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHH!
Spike falls out of his chair.
Faith- Do you see my point?
Willow- I guess so.
Faith- We've arranged a solution to our problem. You go on a date with Merton and Nny and by the end you'll have to make a decision.
Willow- What if I can't decide?
Spike- The little yellow bears! LITTLE YELLOW BEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Faith- I think I'll leave that up to him.
Willow takes one look at Spike who is looking up at her from the floor where he has collapsed.
Willow- Where are we going?
On that note they all head off to Chi Chi's. Nny, Merton and Willow for their date. Spike, Faith and Dib to make sure she chooses, to help things along, and just to get out,
Mexican Waiter Man- Buenos Dias. Welcome to Chi Chi's. May I take your order?
Spike, Faith and Dib are sitting at a separate table right beside Nny, Merton and Willow's table.
Faith (whispering)- Pass the binoculars!
Spike- Yeah! It's our turn! Let us see!
Dib- Fine! But next time bring your own spy kit!
He hands them reluctantly to Faith.
Spike- Ok. Now whatever you do, don't order the chili!
Dib- Hey! What are they saying?
Faith- I don't know! I can't read lips, you know!
Spike- Excuse me! Did you not just hear what I said?! DO NOT order the chili!
Dib- Ok! Ok!
Faith- Cheese wiz, Spike! Lighten up!
Spike- Fine! Sure! But just don't order the chili!
The next table over:
Merton- Hey Willow, you want me to order for you?
Willow- No thank you! I'm an independent woman!
Nny- Ooh, chilly!
Merton- Hey! That's a great idea! Chili!
Willow- Yeah! I'll have some too!
Nny- That wasn't really what I meant, but what the heck! I'll have some too.
Mexican Waiter Man- Ok, so that's three chilis?
Over at the next table:
Spike- Did you hear that?! Three chilis! Quick! To the Angel Cave!
Spike ducks under the table.
Faith- What are you doing?!
Spike- Believe me, you'll thank me for this later.
He reaches up and pulls Faith and Dib under the table. At that moment the waiter comes by. He looks under the table at them.
Mexican Waiter Man- Um, can I take your order?
Spike- Yeah, we'll have 3 burritos.
Mexican Waiter Man- We're having a special on chili…
Spike- No! I said burritos, you son of a Girl Scout! You're not going to get me! Oh no, no you won't… uh-uh…
He sinks back under the table, muttering to himself. The waiter crosses himself and walks away quickly.
Faith- Geez, Spike! You didn't have to beat it into him! They're just burritos!
Spike- Not just burritos… Our salvation…
All of a sudden a guy walks out of the kitchen holding a tray with three steaming bowls of chili. Juan is his name and for those of you who don't know who this sexy, Mexican senor is he had to flee the rain forests of South America where he grew up to get away from the guerrillas. Supposedly they kidnapped him while he was riding around in a jeep with his grandfather. Later, sitting around the campfire, he and the guerrillas ate his grandfather. They told him to make some chili for them since that was the only thing he knew how to make but they didn't know that the last time Juan tried to make chili he blew up his house. (He has a special radioactive nuclear recipe.) Needless to say, the guerrillas were quite angry when their camp was blown up in a nuclear explosion. Several of them who had grown extra limbs from the radiation chased him until he got to his mother's house. She asked where Gramps was and he said he was tasty. "Ooh, boy you in trouble!" said his mother. His father shipped him off to America with his mother and the guerrillas chasing him. Now he wanders from job to job blowing up buildings and running from ex- managers.
Juan- Here's your chili and here's Juan's number!
He hands a slip of paper to Willow,
Nny- Hey! She's with me!
Merton- No way! She's with me!
Willow- Will you guys shut up! Please don't take the time to explain this sick twisted relationship! Thank you very much, but they're right. I'm with… them.
She hands the number back to Juan.
Juan- Are you sure?
Merton- Did you not just hear her?! Hey Nny, don't you have to go to the bathroom?
Nny- No. I went before we left.
Merton- Yes, but you have to go now don't you?
Nny- Oh! Yes! I do! Please excuse me!
Nny gets up, moves behind Juan, lifts a butter knife and… You get the idea.
Juan- Ay carumba! I'm leaking!
Juan collapses on the floor in a bloody mess. Nny, Willow and Merton all pick up their spoons and place them in the chili.
BOOM!
Spike- I told you…
Nny, Merton and Willow are all shocked at the um, explosiveness, ness ness ness of their chili. They turn their charred faces towards the kitchen.
Merton- We're not paying for this!
And with that the three get up and leave.
Nny- Hey! I know! Let's go see a movie! 'Blud and Guts' is playing!
Willow- Wait! Why would you want to go see a movie about such senseless violence and killing?
Nny- I dunno.
Merton- You horrible beast! That's terrible! Let's go see something quality like 'Ah! Look at Those Dead People!'
Nny- That's a stupid movie! I wanna see a movie about a misunderstood murderer who falls in love with this one beautiful girl but this other guy does too so the murderer kills 'im!
Willow- Stop it! We can see both movies! Look at this one. It's called Harry the Homicidal Zombie!
Nny and Merton- Ok!
They head into the movie theater. Spike, Faith and Dib, who have been following them, get to the ticket booth and Spike finds himself a little short.
Spike- Um, Faith?
Faith- Hurry up Spike. We don't have all night.
Spike- No. I, I-
Ticket person- Sir, it's $10.00.
Spike- I know the bloody cost!
Nny who is standing in line for popcorn turns around.
Nny- Bloody!
Spike- Shut up! Um, Faith, can I uh, maybe borrow a little cash? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Faith- Ha! Isn't that the biggest excuse I've ever heard from a guy! "My other pants!" Well no! You can't! Not this time, Dave!
Spike- I'm Spike.
Faith- Spike.
She turns and walks to the back of the line for popcorn. Dib, who is still standing next to him, hands him a ten.
Spike- Thanks Junior! I thought I might have given my wallet to you!
Dib- Who's juni-
Spike smiles to the ticket person as he leads Dib away and utters under his breath-
Spike- Shut up!
Meanwhile, Willow, Merton and Nny have gotten to the front of the popcorn line and guess who's dealing out the stuff!
Xander- Hello. What can I- Hey! Willow! It's been a while since I've seen you!
That's right! It's Willow's old friend from the Scoobies! Xander! Willow looks down, a little embarrassed.
Willow- Uh, hi Xander.
Xander- What are you doing here with these losers?
Losers- Hey!
Xander- And what's with the trench coats? Is that some sort of evil thing?
Nny- Trench coats aren't evil!
Merton- They're special!
Nny- Yeah! And what's with the preppy sweater you're wearing under that uniform?!
Xander- SWEATERS AREN'T PREPPY! They, they're special…
Nny- Yeah! See! Now you know what it feels like! It's not fun to be judged by your appearance is it?! I wonder what people would think of you if your pretty boy face was all screwed up! Wouldn't it be sad?!
Willow- Hey! The movie's gonna start! We don't have time for this!
Nny- Ooh! I'll have a cherry Brain Freezy and a medium popcorn. What do you guys wa-
Xander- Sir, we don't have Brain Freezies.
Nny- You don't!?!
Xander- No sir. Brain Freezies are stupid.
Nny- Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! Shut up!
He covers his ears.
Willow- Xander. I would stop if-
Xander- Aw, relax Wil. I'm just havin' a little fun with hi-
Nny is standing behind him holding a hatchet that happens to be wedged into his back.
Nny- We don't have time for this.
The group grabs some popcorn and and heads into the movie. Nny sets the money down on the counter. The people stand watching in utter shock and horror. Spike, Faith and Dib walk up tho the counter and grab some popcorn.
Spike- Hey Xander.
They go into the theater and leave the shocked crowd.
Someone from the crowd- Hey everybody! Free popcorn!
The crowd jumps on the popcorn and start devouring it like animals. Has mankind lost all decency?! The answer is a resounding maybe.