Grell let a tight, hiccuped sob roll past his lips as he flopped upon his red bed. Arms wrapped around a fluffy pillow, pulling it close only to anoint it with the redhead's face and salty tears.
The only sounds were muffled moans and the occasional, deep inhale of breath that rocked his entire body. His shoulderblades pushed out from his back in that position, face rubbing against the pillow and moving when too much snot built up in one area. Wet, clear stains only left a trail of dark spots on the crimson fabric of the cushion.
His chest heaved and spasmed, diaphragm aching and throat sore after the several moments that passed. He tried to remain silent, too proud to allow his nosy neighbors outisde his apartment hear his sorrows.
How could this have happened? How could he have broken? Today was like any other day, wasn't it? Just as degrading as the last...
Perhaps, his once strong soul had finally cracked, the stress too much to handle. Or maybe, he'd been avoiding the truth all along.
He really was pitiful.
They were right. They were all right.
It just took too long to realize the bitter truth.
Worthless, pathetic, stupid, screw-up, bitch, bastard, sack of shit, disaster waiting to happen, sorry excuse, lowest point-he was starting to believe every word they called him.
Why it took centuries to give in, he wasn't sure. He didn't think he ever would. The great Grell Sutcliff was the greatest of them all. He didn't cry and wallow in pity like a senseless teenage girl. Well, he supposed that now he did.
With a sharp inhale and a hiccuped sob, he sat up and wiped his nose on his dress-shirt sleeve. He didn't care for the mascara running down his cheeks, or the smeared lipstick on the corners of his mouth. For the first time, Grell didn't care about his appearance anymore. What was the point?
He imagined how tragic it would be if he were to choke on his own tears. Or that someone broke into his apartment and ran his spare butterfly knife (the red, yet still identical twin to Ronald's) across his fragile throat. Or what if he were to use that same knife, and it slipped while he made dinner...slitting his wrists. And on the way out, he woud pass out and eventually bleed to death...
What a loss that would be to the world...
A bitter smirk graced the redhead's lips, eyes half lidded and still scarlet and stinging from his previous fit. Who would care?
Certainly not William, he was the one that had truly made his predicament a predicament. Without William's 'help', he wouldn't be thinking about such lovely releases from the real world.
Today, William had managed to humiliate him in front of the entire Shinigami realm. After Alan and Eric's death only a week ago, the funeral was set for today. Almost the entire realm showed up for Alan's final ceremony, and Eric was cremated and labeled a traitor (thus, there was no proper funeral for him).
Grell had worn a rather modest, black dress instead of red out of respect for Alan, and he had stuffed his corset with padding. When the service was about to start, William had taken notice and called his subordinate out on it.
"Honestly, do you think anyone is fooled by that guise?" he had said.
Though Grell couldn't remember all that was said, he did remember that heated words soon ensued, ending with the use of William's scythe the cut open the top of his dress. His padding fell out at his feet, other reapers snickering and chuckling out of amusement. Some, much like William, stared at him with utter disgust.
He hadn't said it, but Grell knew William was thinking only one word: Ugly.
Sure, William had said it on occasion, but he didn't think he ever meant it until now. A horrific realization was made that William had meant every word that he ever said. Grell was ugly, and stupid, and worthless, and pathetic, and-and...
Grell let out a low, long wail as he hugged himself at the thought, breaking into tears. The bitter thought that he was crying only made him hate himself more. He was shedding tears, and he hated the very thought of it. His stomach felt sick, room spinning and throat dry.
Never had he felt so lonely before. In the silence of his apartment, he reflected how William had never once shown him a true hint of friendship in decades. Ronald likely made fun of him behind his back, and he realized how much the blonde must dread having to put up with him every day. With cute little Alan gone, and the pompous blonde Eric dead, who was there to spend his days with?
All he really ever wanted was for someone to give a crap-for someone just to sit down for a moment and pay attention.
He could hear all the Catholics in the world saying: "You're never alone; God is always with you!"
Yet, here he was, in complete silence, and he was all alone. Praying wasn't going to do shit. An invisible man wasn't going to make him feel better. The void of love could not be filled by someone he couldn't see. Grell couldn't thrive on that attention. He needed more than just faith in something no one could see, let alone talk with.
All Grell wanted was someone to love him back. He wanted a friend.
There were always two-faced friends out there, friends that would throw you under the bus, friends that would trade you for someone in a heartbeat, friends that aren't really friends, friends that are friends of your friends, friends that wouldn't be your friend anymore if you were friends with their enemy...but then again, they weren't really friends, were they?
In the end, if you take them all away, what do you have left?
Grell had no family, his had died years ago. In this curse of immortality, his own personality was found to be unacceptable, and without a friend in the world, he realized that there was no point in his life. There was just one goal left in his life: be forgiven so that he can finally die.
There was just one word to describe his pitiful life, and that word summed up his entire being.
Alone.
Xxx
Author's Note
Hey, it's been a while. I just had a really bad morning, and this is just me reflecting on my depression really...
But hey, i hope you enjoyed Grell's sadness XD Or not...LOL Please leave a comment or review...cause those just make me happy and I need a pick-me-up right now...