To Make it Cannon
Phil
I heard the front door slam and shut my laptop, failing to save the document. The next sound I heard was slamming around in the kitchen.
I got up and followed the banging. When I got there, his back was to me and he was digging in the fridge.
"Do we have anything good?" I asked. "I could eat a horse."
"No. One of us should go shopping soon." His voice was sad and shaking, but I pretended not to notice. At first. He straightened up and closed the fridge, his hands still empty and looked at me for just a moment before developing a fascination with the tile floor. "I'm going to edit some videos." He mumbled.
"Are you okay?" I asked, stepping in his path to stop him from going to his room.
"Fine." I'll never believe him with that frown.
"Are you sure?"
"Phill. I'm okay." Plastered smile and strained voice. He pushed past me, not looking at me. Why won't he look at me?
I got a glass of water and went back to my room. I opened up the laptop and was horrified to notice that I hadn't even closed the fan fiction. What if he'd asked to borrow my laptop? He could never see that.
That was the one thing I knew. I've known it since I knew how I feel about him. He can never know. And even more than the feelings, He can never know about the fan fiction. Never.
I don't know how long I've been in love with him. I don't even know why I love him. But I do. About a year ago, I found all of the "Phan" fiction and started reading it. Sometimes, it made me question my feelings, sometimes, it was a fantasy spelled out on the screen like it never would be in real life.
Not long after that, I realized that I could write it. So I did. I found an obscure site and signed on with the screen name OriginalPhanShipper and put all my feelings into the account. Somehow, it helps just a little of having to live with the one person who can never know how I feel.
Dan
I can't believe he saw that. Shit. I promised I'd never let him see me upset about him. Honestly, this is probably the biggest way that I'm a fail, but it'll never go into a video.
It's probably my own fault. I hid from myself for forever. By the time I faced my attraction to guys, I'd already met him and he was there. I was never happier than when we decided to become roommates. Now I wish we didn't live together. I have to see him every day. Be reminded of the feelings I'm not even really ready to confront yet.
I'm usually okay. But today. Shit. Today I thought it would be a good idea to come out to someone. Even though I'm not even sure what I'd come out as. I couldn't do it. I choked on my words.
All I could see was Phil's face in that stupid Q&A when I chose Megan Fox over him. And that was for fucking ever ago. I don't know why that stopped me, but it did.
I took an uber home and scrolled through my camera roll. It was almost all me and Phil. By the time I was home, I was crying.
I hoped he wouldn't see me. I almost hoped he wasn't home. But then again,If I really didn't want to see him, would I have been so loud?
Now I'm just in my room, pretending to edit. I don't know why I'm bothering. It's not like he'll come in here. Maybe I want him to. But what would I say then?
I love him, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell him. At least I have my fan fiction. I read it almost everyday. My favorite is OriginalPhanShipper. Thank god for my crazy YouTube subscribers.
Phil
Why wouldn't he look at me? It's bugging me. I can't even write anymore. I saved the doc under an unassuming title and flipped through my notifications. PhAnime had once again gone through and liked all the things that he hadn't read yet and liked them all. They were one of my favorite fanfiction friends. They never left comments or reviews, but every few days, they logged on and viewed, liked and saved all my stuff. I wondered who it was. Not that I'd ever meet them.
I couldn't stand sitting in here on my own. I needed to be with someone. I needed Dan. I walked over to his room and knocked. I heard his keyboard going crazy, and figured he hadn't heard me so I walked in and sat on the edge of his bed, waiting for him to turn around.
After a moment, he took a deep breath and turned around. He still looked sad, but he wasn't nearly as upset. He looked at me now. I did my best to not melt into his comforter. Those brown eyes. Damn.
"Are you feeling any better?" I asked, my voice much steadier than it should have been able to be.
"Umm." He rubbed the back of his neck and looked away for a moment, suddenly becoming fidgety. "Yeah." He looked back at me. "I just needed some time to calm down."
"Cool. Want to watch some Anime? I'm so bored I'm going to shoot my brains out."
"Yeah. Umm… Sure."
After a moment he closed out the tabs on his computer and grabbed one of my hands to pull me off the bed. Sparks flew through my body for the half a second we were in contact. We walked towards the living room where he flopped on the couch and instructed me to get popcorn.
As I got out of the machine and waited for it to pop, All I was thinking about was Dan. What did he mean, if anything, by grabbing my hand? Was he really feeling better? What was wrong earlier? Would throwing popcorn at Heathcliff help any? All I had was questions.
I brought the bowl out and sat down right next to him, our legs touching, just as he pressed play. We watched hours and hours of Sword Art Online. Even though we'd both already seen it.
Dan
After about six episodes, Phil got up and went back to the kitchen to get a glass of water.
"I'm not pausing this for you."
"I've already seen it."
"But Kirito is about to propose."
"Dick." He got up anyway and left the room feeling empty.
I realized how stiff I was getting from sitting for three hours, staring at the TV. I stretched out so I was laying down, taking up almost the whole sofa.
Kirito and Asuna were talking on the screen and the whole time, I was imagining them as Phil and I. A guy can dream.
He came back, glass in hand and paused for just a moment before shrugging and sitting on my stomach. I groaned and he told me I should have moved. We laughed as I made the attempt to push him off me.
After a moment, he shifted so that he was laying in front of me, feet in my face and staring at the screen. He moved his glass of water from the floor where he'd put it to the coffee table, snatched the remote and turned the volume up.
We watched two more episodes like this, and I wondered if he was struggling as much as I was to focus. How could I focus when his mismatched socks were rubbing against my feet themselves held no special interest, but the full-on contact of his back on my legs and my stomach on his legs was slowly driving me insane.
Why'd I have to fall for him?
Phil
I wonder how much longer he'll tolerate this. If only I'd had the guts to lay down the other way, his head behind me instead of his feet. Thinking about it, I can almost feel his breath on my neck.
I'm savoring these moments with him wondering if they made him as happy as they made me. More likely, he was thinking about how weird I am or how gross my feet are.
I felt him kick the back of my head gentilly. "Get your feet off my face."
I picked my legs up and put my feet down- right on top of him, smothering him. I'm fairly sure that one of my toes ended up in his mouth.
"Fine, asshole." He sat up and turned so that he was breathing down my neck, laying behind me just as I'd pictured. I was melting. And I was sure that he could feel my heart rate increasing.
We watched like that for a long time. It was initially panic inducing, but it was slowly becoming comfortable. His chin was resting on my head and I could feel his heart beating against my back. His arm had started over the back of the sofa, but the longer we watched, the more it migrated and it was eventually draped around my stomach.
I looked at the clock and realized that we had been watching SAO for the last six hours. I turned my head to tell Dan and his face was somehow closer than I had expected. I drew in a breath, and did my best to speak before I looked like even more of an idiot.
"We've umm… been watching this for a really long time."
"Yes? Your point?" he looked sad. Was he as reluctant to move from this opposition as I was?
I couldn't think of an answer, and we were just laying there starting at each other. God, he was beautiful. His eyes were shining in the dark and he had this grin on his face that was almost more intimate than the opposition we were laying in.
I never would because it would ruin everything, but it is so tempting right now to just kiss him. I should probably get up or something, but I can't bring myself to ruin the moment.
Dan
God those eyes. They're so blue. It's my own fault. I shouldn't have laid down. I shouldn't have moved so that we were the big and little dipper. Now he's looking at me like that.
My heart was beating hard. I was scared he could feel it. Then I realized something. I could feel his heart beating on my stomach. And they beat the same rhythm. I had no idea what to make of this, but it made my stomach turn. In the best possible way.
There's so much happening right now. I'm clearly being driven mad by Phil, but there's more. I'm confused because his eyes are telling me he feels the same as I do. But he couldn't. I was scared. Scared of what this moment meant. Scared of what I might do. What I might say.
God I want to kiss him. It would be so easy. Just bend over a little, and our lips would touch.
I love him to much. If I did something stupid, I'd lose him. And I could never live with myself.
But it would be so easy to say something stupid. I don't even have to kiss him to screw it up. I could just say the one thing I'd sworn I'd never say out loud to him.
I love you.
His eyes somehow found a way to grow even wider. Shit. I'd gone and said it out loud. And as I was reminding myself not to. Shit.
Phil
Did he just say it? I must have fallen asleep. This is a dream. That's why it'd sounded so godly when he whispered it.
If it's a dream, my next words are safe. Lets hope I'm right.
"I love you too."
He let out a breath and I felt his whole body relax against me. I don't think either of us is sure who moved closer, but our lips were suddenly against each other's.
My entire body was suddenly on fire. I honestly don't know what went through my head. I just knew that I finally was happy. Finally, my love was shared. And that only deepened it.
He pulled away after a moment, and wrapped his arm around me tighter. I didn't believe it was real. I looked at him, turning under his arm to face him, and I saw that his eyes were once again brimmed with tears. But these ones looked happy. I felt tears on my own face too, but I ignored them and wiped his face dry.
We fell asleep like that, intertwined and crying, laying there on the sofa.
Dan
I woke up and saw him there. My arm was under his chest. It had gone numb, but I didn't care. The other was in his hair, messing it up. One of his hands hung off the couch and the other was resting between our faces where it had fallen. Our legs were completely intertwined.
I rested my head on his shoulder and brushed my lips across his neck, so gentilly it tickled my lips. His eyes opened and he looked at me. He smiled and blushed, but then, his lips were on mine for just a moment, his hand running through my hair. Now we both had messed up hair.
He sat up slowly and looked around. The autopsy on Netflix had started playing Deathnote at some point and he reached for the remote to shut it off. He stood up and grabbed my hands, the same way I had grabbed his last night and pulled me up. We wandered into the kitchen and he poured me a bowl of lucky charms and got himself a bowl of shreddies.
"So it wasn't a dream?" He asked, taking a bite
"God I hope not."
"Good" he smiled and chucked the Totoro plushie from the table at me.