Hibiki Battle Royal

By Kairi Taylor

(A vacant lot somewhere. Dan, Hibiki & Ran are standing around, waiting.)

Dan: So...
Hibiki: ...so.
Ran: Uh, how come we haven't started fighting yet?
Hibiki: I have a better question...why have all of us been waiting here for the past three days?
Ran: You received that challenge letter right?
Hibiki: Yes. (Holds up letter & reads) I hereby challenge you to a fight at the vacant lot behind Family Mart in Nerima. Don't be late. Signed Hibiki Ryoga.
Dan: I did too. So?
Ran: Before coming here, I did a little research.

(Nerima High School.)

Ran: Excuse me, can you tell me about this guy named Ryoga.
Nabiki: Sure I can give you his whole dossier. Of course, it will cost you, say, 1000 yen per page.
Ran: Any chance I can get a discount on that? ^_^

(Later...)

Ranma: Ryoga? Yeah, I know him. Pain in the ass sometimes though. Why'd you wanna know about him
Ran: Here's the thing. He challenged me to a fight in the back of this vacant lot...
Ranma: Wait. He challenged you to a fight...how long ago did you get the challenge letter?
Ran: Uh...five days ago. Why?
Ranma: You have to understand something; Ryoga has no sense of direction. And calculating the time it sent for that letter to get to you, and his last known location...you got a 4 day wait.
Ran: 0_0 (clasps his hands) Please tell me you are joking.
Ranma: I wish. (Akane enters, sees Ran with her hands on Ranma's.)
Akane: What the---YOU JERK!!!!!
Ranma: Akane!! This isn't what---
Akane: SHUT UP!!! (Smashes Ranma's face with a desk & proceeds to stomp into him) AREN¡¯T 3 OF US ENOUGH?! HOW MANY MORE FIANCEES DO YOU NEED YOU PERVERTED WATER TOAD?!
Ran: I don't think there's anyone else who has it worse. (Keitaro Urashima lands besides Ranma)
Keitaro: I must disagree...

(Present)

Dan: So, how much longer do we have to wait?
Hibiki: Look. (Points to Ryoga, who's talking to a dog.)
Ryoga: Do you know which way is the Family Mart vacant lot?
Dog: BARK!!! (Points to sign that reads 'Talking to stray animals prohibited')
Ran: Uh...over here.

Ryoga: There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you. Are you all ready?
Hibiki: Just out of curiosity, where did you mail that letter from?
Ryoga: Okinawa. Why?
Hibiki: Because you seem to be holding one of those particular items in your sack. (Points to an urn, which has a label that reads 'Kowloon Gift Shop)
Ran: Can we please get started? I've got finals to attend to, sooner or later.

(The 4 fighters get ready.)

Dan: YOSSH!!!I will conquer you with my very own Saikyo style, Ryoga!
Ran: ...and to think, we are related. Or are we?
Dan: LET'S GO!!! (Launches a Gale Kick at Ryoga. Ryoga merely sidesteps & lets Dan crash into a trash can.)
Ryoga: Are you for real? (Feels a slight change in the air, then back flips as Hibiki rushes at him, sword drawn.)
Hibiki: You're good. But you... (Makes a beeline for Ran)
Ran: ACCKKK!!! (Flashes her camera. Hibiki is momentarily blinded.)
Hibiki: No fair! You can't fight with a camera!
Ran: Hey, he's fighting with an umbrella!

(Hibiki ducks a swing from Ryoga. At the two duke it out, Dan gets out of the trash can, garbage all over him.)

Dan: That didn't go so well. Ah, there are my targets! IKUZURE!!! (Dashes in, Dan prepares to launch an all new and improved Gadouken...which only can travel 2 feet more than usual.)
Ryoga: SHI SHI HOUDOUKAI!! (Ryoga unleashes a much, much, much LARGER fireball than normal, knocking out Hibiki & slamming Dan into the ground, face first.)
Dan: Ow...that hurt. But I've had worse. (Gets up.) Give me your best shot!
Ryoga: Very well!! (Punches at Dan, but makes contact with his outstretched palm)
Dan: Kyuukyoku Tenchi Gadou Zuki!!! (Glows blue as he prepares to strike Ryoga.
Ryoga: Crap! Here, try this! BAKUSAI TENKETSU! (Strikes the ground causing a massive explosion. When the smoke clears, Ryoga is standing over a quite unconscious Dan)
Ran: Wow.
Ryoga: Do you wish to fight too?
Ran: Uh no, thank you. I've seen enough.
Ryoga: Care for something to eat?

(Cat Cafe)

Ran: This kind of thing is normal for you guys?
Ryoga: Yeah. With the Dojo Destroyer, Gambling King, Seven Lucky Gods martial Artists & Happosai, this fight was a relief. (Shampoo enters, carrying two bowls.)
Shampoo: Here orders of ramen. (The Ghost Cat enters.)
Ghost Cat: Shampoo! Be my bride!
Shampoo: Crazy cat not touch Shampoo! (Wallops Cat with bonbari. Mousse jumps in!)
Mousse: Leave my beloved Shampoo alone, you fiend (has Ryoga in a headlock.)
Ryoga: Get contacts dumbass!
Ran: And I thought Batsu's family was insane...