Rachel handed him the envelope and Tom took it, trying not to be so aware of the way her hand briefly brushed his. He looked down at the envelope, and then back up at her. She looked uncertain, as if she wasn't really sure what to say. She dropped her hand, pausing for a moment, and then looked like she was about to say something, so Tom said, "Can we talk?"
Rachel looked at him in confusion for a moment, and then nodded. Tom managed a brief, reassuring smile and nodded his head toward his door in invitation. Rachel nodded again, looking away. Tom opened the door, and held it open, motioning for her to go in first. She met his eyes briefly, nervously, and then headed into the room.
Rachel walked in, and turned around to face him as Tom pulled the door quietly closed behind them. Rachel watched as he sat his hat gently down on the desk. She was all too aware of the fact that she was alone with Thomas Chandler in his hotel room, and reminded herself to breathe. She was pretty sure her heart was beating so loudly he could hear it across the room.
What is wrong with you? She thought to herself. Get a hold of yourself.
Her inner turmoil was interrupted when Tom turned to her and asked, "Are we okay?"
The question was so unexpected that Rachel found herself unable to answer. For a moment, she just stared at him, her mouth slightly ajar, and then she looked away.
Tom seemed to take this as a bad sign. He sighed, then, taking a step toward her, said, "please just talk to me."
When remembering the conversation later, Rachel wasn't quite sure what had set her off. Perhaps it was the tension in the room. Perhaps it was his plea for honesty. Perhaps it was the fact that she was leaving the next morning, and felt that now she could finally tell him the truth. Most likely, it was that everything they had been through together had been leading up to this moment, and on some level Rachel knew what needed to be said.
"No," she said quietly. "We're not okay."
Tom wanted to protest this, but something in Rachel's expression told him that this time, he needed to hear her out. She crossed her arms over her chest defensively, and glanced up at him, clearly expecting him to argue with her. When he said nothing, she broke eye contact and started pacing. He had noticed she did that a lot when she was nervous, worried or confused.
"Nothing is okay," she began. "Everything is different. We're on land now, and I'm leaving in the morning." As she paced, she didn't notice how Tom's face fell at the reminder of her imminent departure. "You have a job to do here, and I have a job to do elsewhere, and… Well, things are not okay between us. They haven't been, since…"
"I know," Tom said, interrupting her for the first time.
She looked back at him, her arms still crossed, and studied his face. He didn't look angry. If anything, he looked pained. Rachel could feel a small bit of hope rise in her chest. Perhaps this situation was gnawing at him the same way it was her. The longer they went without talking about what had happened, the more Rachel felt it eating away at her. She took a deep breath, and continued.
"We don't talk anymore," she said, resuming her pacing. "Not like we used to." She paused, studying her feet. After a moment, she looked up at him again. "I told you I would always be straight with you. And I wasn't. For that, I am sorry." She paused, just long enough to judge his reaction, but not long enough for him to say anything before rushing on. "What I did… I did what I felt needed to be done. I… I didn't think about the problems it would cause for you. I only let myself think about my job. My mission. Find the cure. Save the world." At that, she laughed mirthlessly, and shook her head. "Killing Neils was the only way I was going to get what I needed. And, in my mind, it was fair." She expected Tom to say something here, but he just continued to stare blankly at her, with his frustratingly blank expression that was impossible to read. That expression always drove her mad.
"I wanted justice, Tom." She sighed, then finally stopped pacing, and took a step closer to Tom, looking him in the eyes. "Look," she said. "I am not going to lie to you. I wanted Neils dead. I wanted him to get what he deserved, and I knew there is no infrastructure left in the world to bring justice. I wanted to save people. Neils knew that his lungs were the key to the airborne cure, and he played me Tom. He knew I needed his help, so he wouldn't give it." She shook her head, looking away again, pausing. Then she shrugged. "I guess it's not use trying to justify what I did. I just wanted you to know why I did it. I… I never meant to change things between us. I didn't want to ruin our… friendship. I only wanted to do what I thought was right."
Rachel paused for a while, and Tom figured she was finished. Slowly, he uncrossed his arms, dropping them to his side with a sigh. "I'm sorry, too," he said quietly.
Rachel looked up at him sharply, a look of surprise on her face. Meeting her eyes, Tom could tell she was hoping she understood him, but was trying to keep herself from hoping too much. Tom supposed that was the most she could bring herself to open up to disappointment.
"I should have talked to you," he continued. "I was angry. I was confused. I thought… I thought we understood each other, until then. I felt…" Tom didn't want to say it. Betrayed. How could he feel betrayed? Rachel wasn't one of his crew. Before the mission, they had been total strangers. She owed no real allegiance to him, save for being on his ship. So, when she had killed Neils, why did he feel betrayed?
Inside, Tom knew the answer. He had felt betrayed because he had thought they were friends. Confidants, even. They had been through so much together, survived the end of the world together. And even though they fought frequently, he had thought they had understood each other. They were both on a mission, one he had thought they shared, until the end.
After a moment, Tom realized he had been silent too long. He wasn't sure what to say, so he just said the first things that came to his mind. "I should have talked to you. Not just after, but before. I should have made sure we were on the same page, instead of focusing so much on the Ramseys. You're right, we used to talk. Until I started pushing you away. I wish I hadn't, Rachel."
Rachel felt her heart skip a beat. She felt heat rising to her cheeks, and tried unsuccessfully to control her breathing. She wasn't sure why, but hearing him use her first name always made her feel things she had been suppressing for months. Things she hadn't been willing to even admit she was feeling, even to herself.
Rachel looked down at the floor and muttered, "We pushed each other away, Tom."
He nodded, but she didn't see it. After a long pause, he asked, "Why?"
Slowly Rachel forced herself to look at him again. "Why what?"
"Why did we push each other away?" he asked, looking at her intently, his expression still unreadable.
Rachel shrugged, and shook her head. She couldn't bring herself to admit why she had pushed him away. She settled for a half-truth. "Because we couldn't let anything get in the way of the mission."
Tom nodded again. "But the mission is over," he said simply.
Rachel waited for him to say more, but he didn't, so she just said, "I suppose."
"So can we talk again?" Tom asked.
Rachel sighed, and nodded, a small smile finally finding its way to her lips.
Tom waited to see if Rachel would say anything, and when she didn't, he figured it was his turn for honesty. "I suppose I pushed you away because I didn't know what to do with you, Dr. Scott," he said, matching Rachel's small smile, a hint of humor in his voice. Rachel met his eyes again, her smile growing slowly. He continued. "You were the most frustrating person I ever met. The only one who challenged me, who questioned me. In you I found someone who was as driven as I was, as passionate as I was, and smarter than anyone I know. I guess that's why we butted heads to often," he chuckled slightly.
Rachel, unable to control her breathing yet again, was fairly sure she was blushing profusely. That awareness only made the blush more. She attempted a weak chuckle as well. "We're too much alike for our own good," she laughed nervously.
Tom, for his part, was completely calm, finally feeling like he knew what he wanted. "We are," he said, "And that confused me, at first." Tom knew he had pushed her away, at least in part, because he wasn't willing to face his growing feelings for her. Well, now he was. "But that doesn't have to be a bad thing," he offered.
Rachel grinned. "I suppose not," she managed.
Tom went on. "I pushed you away because you were unlike anyone I've ever met, and I didn't know what to do. The truth is, Rachel, you fascinated me. If I got too close, I was afraid I'd lose myself in you, and…"
"And you were afraid that getting too close would jeopardize the mission," Rachel finished for him. Tom nodded, dumbfounded. "I… I suppose I did the same thing," she finished lamely.
They just stared at each other for a minute, the tension growing, until Rachel, attempting to diffuse the situation, laughed, "I told you, too much alike."
To her surprise, Tom kissed her. At first she was shocked, but after a moment, she decided it was time to let down her defenses. Slowly, she began to kiss him back. She felt him put his hands on her hips, pulling her closer, and she rested her hands on his chest, deepening the kiss slightly.
After a minute, Tom pulled back, leaving them both breathless. He kept his forehead on hers, and as Rachel slowly opened her eyes, she saw that his were still closed. She didn't want to ruin the moment, but she couldn't lose sight of her job, either.
"Tom," she whispered, causing him to open his eyes and smile at her. "I still have to leave in the morning."
Tom's smile fell, and Rachel momentarily wished she hadn't said anything. She'd ruined the moment. But she knew it was what she had to do. Her work was her life, and she knew Tom would understand that. They were, after all, very much alike. He wouldn't ask her to change.
"I know," he whispered, pulling his head back and looking her in the eyes. "I just couldn't let you leave without knowing everything was okay between us."
Rachel smiled at him, giving him the first full, genuine smile she had smiled in months. "We're okay," she said, and leaned in to kiss him again quickly. Reluctantly, she pulled back, extricating herself from his embrace. "I'm going to go now," she said. "Thanks for the talk."
He smiled and nodded, then moved out of her way so she could get to the door. Rachel walked to the door, wishing she could just stay here, lost in this moment forever, but knowing she would never forgive herself if she neglected her job. There were still people out there who needed her, and she wouldn't fail them.
Tom watched as she made her way to the door, and was relieved when she put her hand on the doorknob but turned around to look at him one last time. "Be safe," he said, his face returning to an unreadable mask. Rachel now knew that meant he was hiding emotions he didn't want her to see. For the first time, she was glad he hid his emotions. She didn't know if she would have been able to resist it if he had asked her to stay. She met his eyes one last time, and he said, "When you get back, find me."
Rachel intended to do just that.