w i t h a s m i l e

by naitheas

...........................................................................................................................................................

Welcome to my Gundam Wing fic This fic contains, angst, suicidal tendencies, death, love, and possibly lime in future chapters. So if you're not into that kind of thing, keep reading and I'll convert you! ;) The passages that are in italics (not including the starting poem, of course) are in a past-time period, almost exactly a year prior to the present-day passages. Certain details will be left out of the story, to keep the suspense going, but if you get confused, please include that in your review, and I'll try to help you out

...........................................................................................................................................................

I face the world with a smile,

no one knows what i hide inside.
They see only happiness,

they can't see the tears I've cried.
When I am alone I hurt,

because here I do it well.
Now in front of all the watchful eyes

my heaven will turn to hell.

{...}

Relena gripped her arm tightly, rocking herself back and forth on the bed. Slowly lulling the pain to sleep. It's been a year now. One year since she was betrayed by a person her heart had thought it understood, and because of it, lost a person it had not. In that time, she had first isolated herself, and many had taken it for mourning. She had loved him, they said, They were engaged. After mere weeks the public was content with her respectful amount of time secluded in his name. However, weeks soon became months, and the people began to question. To whisper. Maybe she feels guilty, locked in her room she could still hear their suspicions, Perhaps she was cheating on him. Perhaps she murdered him. Relena shivered, her warm tears burning down her ice cold skin. They were wrong, she knew it. But even now when that had been proven, she could still feel their accusing stares boring into her back, like writing engraved on a headstone. At that time, though, the citizens of the Sanc Kingdom and their speculation had prompted action from her brother, Milliardo.

In March, two months after she had begun to isolate herself from the world, she had been taken to a psychiatrist. Relena still remembered the man's concerned look when he had seen her wrists ... her entire arms. His shock when she had mumbled, I want to die ... let me go ... Milliardo paid for the expenses of the Mental Ward. She was forced to spend the spring, and half of summer in that room. Constantly being monitored, desperate for something sharp. Anything. Somehow, she felt responsible for his death, and somehow, she needed to make herself pay for that. He had not deserved that fate.

She did.

On the thirtieth of June, she was called in to be examined once more. This time, Relena wasn't fooled – she was aware that admitting her heightened desire for pain would only keep her in the ward longer. And she wasn't sure how much longer she could take before she really did go insane. I understand what I was doing was wrong, she had told them, with a modest smile gracing her lips, I can't believe what I was thinking. How could the examiner resist? This was Relena Peacecraft, the golden child of peace and hope for their world.

A day later she was free.

Two days later and her hands were stained with blood once more.

Why are you doing this? Her brother caught her once again, and she had hung her head in shame. What happened that night? I'm your brother, for Gods sake! He had taken hold of her shoulders in both hands, forcing to her to look him in the eye for the first time in what seemed like years. Why can't you tell me? Relena had stared at him, unmoving, not answering. Not unlike a living doll, merely going through the motions of what was expected.

The following week, she was admitted into the ward once more. Milliardo had visited her daily. He would talk to her as if everything was normal throughout his visits, despite her refusal to utter a word in response. His parting words were always the same, If you ever want to tell me what happened, I'm here. I'll always be here for you, Relena. She wished he would just leave, and never come back. She had heard those words before. They only helped her to remember him ... That was the last thing she wanted.

Why couldn't he just die? She would murmur to herself at night, staring out the window. They were the only words she had said all day.

The same cycle, in and out of the ward, repeated itself through the rest of summer, then into autumn and the beginning of winter when, finally, she was released once more. Relena had since made a point of making public appearances, attending conferences and press meetings. Relena Peacecraft returns in good health, the headlines read. As long as the golden child pretended to be happy and healthy, they were happy. And when they were happy, Relena could finally retreat to her room ...

She lifted her hand, and found it to be covered in a sticky red substance. Blood. She wasn't surprised. Her cerulean eyes averted to her arm, the cuts on it still warm. From the floor where she sat, she reached up to pull out a tissue from the bedside table. In an almost meticulous fashion, the "princess" cleaned up her small mess, then tucked the waste under the mattress. She would attend to that later. Sighing, she leant her head back against the bed, and stretched out her bare legs. It was these few minutes before bed that she could finally be by herself... In these few minutes she could relive that whole night... the night her lover, her fiancé, Heero Yuy was murdered...

{...}

I laughed, the wine in my glass dancing in time with the people on the floor before me. "Well," I smiled at my companion, Quatre Winner, "I doubt that –" In mid-sentence, I stopped, startled by the feeling of an arm snaking around my waist. Quatre's baby blue eyes lifted in surprise, and the face of Duo Maxwell appeared in front of me. I blinked. "Good Afternoon, Mr Maxwell." I murmured bemusedly, and held up the champagne bottle. "Care for a drink?"

Duo grinned and helped himself. "How you been, Miss Relena?" He asked, taking a swig straight from the bottle, while his eyes bored into mine. Beside me I felt Quatre stiffen, although I had no idea why. This was Duo after all, we were all trusted friends.

"I've been well. And you?" I couldn't help but giggle as he tossed the emptied bottle carelessly behind him, into one of the guests meals.

"Good, bad, happy, sad," He winked, "You know how it is. I've been hearing a lot about you, you know." His eyes held a mischievous glint to them, but that wasn't exactly unusual.

"Oh have you, now?" I humored him, "I wonder what the press has got me doing this time..."

Duo grinned, " Well, apparently, you've gone off and got engaged!" He scoffed, "And to none other than Heero Yuy."

I felt Quatre's hand on my shoulder, and I looked up at him distractedly, "Yes?"

"I'm just going to wander around a bit, alright?" He asked politely, "Will you be ok?"

I raised an eyebrow, "Of course, I'm sure Duo's more than capable of looking after me." On seeing his solemn look, I nodded, reinforcing the fact. "I'll be fine. Don't you worry about me." I then turned back to Duo, who was staring hard at Quatre's disappearing back. It struck me that he was acting rather odd today... Hm. I shrugged it off.

"Yes, well, I'm afraid that certain rumor has a hint of truth to it." I couldn't suppress the elated feeling in my stomach whenever I thought of it. I was going to get married to Heero Yuy. The love of my life. It seemed like a dream come true. I had never been so happy nor so relieved.

Duo's suddenly serious expression had me worried though. "What? What is it? You of all people shouldn't be surprised! You know how long I've loved him."

"Heero," His voice sounded strangled, almost. "Heero doesn't seem the type to commit himself to marriage."

I shrugged lamely, "To tell the truth, I thought the same thing. Well," I laughed lightly, "Actually I didn't think he was the type to hold any kind of romantic relationship. But here we are," I flashed my hand at him, giving him a glimpse of the diamond ring that signified Heero's proposal.

Duo whistled, and pulled up a chair for both himself and i. We sat down, and I folded my legs, patting down my dress so that nothing unlady-like showed. "That's one big rock," he remarked. "How long were you guys going out before this happened?"

I pursed my lips, thinking. "Um, about two months or so." He didn't seem happy with my answer, as his eyes darkened while they stared at the ground. "But, you know, we've known each other for years now."

"I know." His expression looked strained, as if he was mentally debating whether or not to say something. In the end – and I could tell from his face – he decided, what the hell, I've got nothing to loose. "But it doesn't bother you that for the majority of that time you've known each other, he was out to murder you? It hasn't crossed your mind that there might be some ulterior motive behind all of this?"

I frowned. What was with the accusations? Heero loved me, he'd told me so. The genuine smile on his face as I accepted his proposal, told me so. When we were together ... God, it was indescribable. As for the death threats, we had been children then. He knew nothing but his need to complete those missions of his, and I had respected that, but now it was behind us both. We had moved on ... why couldn't Duo see that?

{...}

"Miss Relena?" Sunlight streamed into the room, and the young woman pulled the covers over her eyes. Why wouldn't they let her sleep? Hell, the longer she slept the less time she spent feeling suicidal. She groaned, rolling onto her back.

"Miss Relena, remember you have a brunch date this morning, with Mr Maxwell." Relena froze, and pulled down the blanket just enough for her eyes to see out.

"What are you talking about? I was informed of no meeting." She fought to keep the panic out of her voice. She couldn't see Duo ... it was less than a week until the anniversary of Duo's death. Surely he wasn't here to... "Cancel the meeting, I was not prepared for it, and do not wish to be in Mr Maxwell's presence at this point in time."

The maid stared at her, "But, my lady, what am I to tell Mr Maxwell? He is downstairs waiting as we speak."

Relena stopped breathing. Duo was here. Downstairs. "Tell him," She finally took a breath, and her hands moved to massage her temple. This was too much, she couldn't deal with this. "Tell him that Miss Relena feels unable to attend this morning due to an unexpected illness." She nodded to herself and sank back under the blanket, her mind light with relief.

Sleepily, she listened to the footsteps of the maid move to the door, the click of the door opening, and the gentle thump as it closed. Relena smiled – alone again. Careful not to make to much noise herself, she slid out of bed and padded across the carpet to her en suite. Yawning, she glanced into the mirror. Pale skin, matted blonde hair, and heavy bags shadowing her eyes. No change. Relena then proceeded to strip off and slipped into the shower, drowning herself in scorching hot water.

{...}

"Heero!" Quatre had finally found him on the balcony, staring out moodily. The brunette's hand signaled Quatre to come closer.

"What do you want." He demanded, still not looking at his blonde ex-comrade.

Quatre laughed, "Some people never change." He answered, walking over to stand next to him. "Nice party."

"It's all Relena's doing." Heero told him. "I don't even know why we're celebrating my birthday, let alone on this day. I don't know when I was born." He tugged at his tie, loosening it. Damn black tie events were a pain in the ass.

"Nor do you care, I'm guessing." The blonde young man prompted, and Heero nodded. "You know Duo's here..."

Heero's prussian blue eyes sought out his friend's. "What? I told him I didn't want to see him again. Ever."

Quatre bit his lip, "He's not here to see you-"

"Then –"

"He's here to see Relena." He finished, grimacing at his own words.

"Fuck." The retired assassin ran a hand through his hair frustratedly. "He'd have to know by now of our engagement. The press have been on it for weeks now. Relena would never ..." He trailed off, glaring into the twilight darkly. "I want him out of here."

"Good luck on that one. Relena has no idea, and it'd probably be best if we didn't tell her. But," Quatre sighed, "If we don't tell her, she won't want us to," He coughed, "escort Maxwell out." He smiled in an attempt to lighten the mood, "Duo hasn't really done anything wrong, you know. I doubt he'd try anything around so many people."

Heero's hand curled up into a tight fist. "He loves her." He spat. "A man does crazy things when he's in love.

I would know."

{...}

ta da! First chapter of my first ever Gundam Wing fic. Hope I haven't confused anyone too much, but some certain details, should we say, about Heero's death, will be left until the very last moment ;)

review!!!

-naith