A/N: It's been a while. Hope you like this. Slash like always. And it's sad. Probably.
Nothing belongs to me. (That's sad, too.)
Never Saw It Coming
"Tony, I'm sorry."
He just stared at her, feeling his insides clench. There he was again, hearing those words that were always followed by a goodbye. And goodbye was never good, not when it came to saying it to someone you care about. But he knew that it was overdue this time.
He deeply cared about her but it wasn't enough. It was clear now, even if it hadn't been only minutes before. They had had a good time, had made each other happy, but sometimes happiness wasn't enough, sometimes even love wasn't enough. Tony, of all people, knew that best. He had let Ziva go two years ago and while that one had hurt for almost a year, he didn't think it compared to this now.
They hadn't gone out for too long, yet it felt like they had been together for years. They had known each other better than he had ever known Ziva. Maybe it was because they had known each other such a long time ago – sometimes it felt like a different life even – but he had felt right at home with her from the moment they had seen each other again. Even Gibbs had apparently realized that because he had actually given him the permission to leave a crime scene early to see her. He had wanted to move on with her, had wanted it to be that one relationship everyone talked about in all those stupid movies he loved so much. But apparently this wasn't it. He had known it as soon as she had said those four little words a couple of minutes before.
Stop lying to yourself.
He had wanted to contradict her because for the first time in his life, he was being honest, brutally honest about everything and she had the nerve to tell him to stop lying. But just when he had opened his mouth to say it, he suddenly couldn't. He didn't know how she knew. How she could even suspect, but she was right. He was lying to himself – just like he had done for the better part of the last fourteen years. He had simply never thought about it, not before that evening that Gibbs had said the thing. The thing had hurt so much that Tony couldn't even breathe for a moment. He hadn't told her about it, but she knew him after all, knew that something had been wrong since then, even though he was – still – happy with her. But she just knew and that hurt him even more because it meant that she really understood him and yet he would have to let her go again.
"I'm sorry, too, Zoe."
"I know," she said, giving him an unexpected, but sad smile. "Maybe we should have known. After all it didn't work out all these years ago either."
"No," Tony answered quietly, leaning into her and giving her one last kiss on the cheek. "I was still a boy the last time. I thought I was ready – grown up – this time. I'm sorry that I'm not."
"No, the thing is," Zoe replied, "you are grown up. That's why it makes no sense prolonging this. It would just steal us both the time we could spend with someone else. I just hope I'll find someone who I can look at just like you do with him."
Tony nodded, but said nothing. He didn't think there was anything left to say. Maybe he should tell her he loved her for being so understanding, for being the adult that she was right now, but he just couldn't say the words. She knew anyway, he was sure about that.
He watched her gather the stuff she had picked up from around his apartment and then gave her another smile when she turned to look at him for the very last time.
"Goodbye," she simply said and then she was out of the apartment and his life.
He sat down on his couch and let himself sink against the backrest. He didn't know what he was supposed to feel. He felt sad about Zoe and yet at the same time it was like a heavy burden had been lifted off his shoulders. He suddenly just knew that he needed to talk to him, the outcome be damned. He needed to get it off his chest, needed to let that one last mask of him vanish. He needed to see him.
##
"Hey," he was greeted brusquely a little while later by Fornell who was sitting on Gibbs' couch next to Tony's boss. "What are you doing here?"
Tony remained silent for a moment contemplating to just leave again, but just when he was about to excuse himself, Gibbs beat him to talking.
"You alright?"
Tony did a double take, staring at Gibbs as if he had never seen him before – and maybe he hadn't really.
"'m fine," he mumbled. "I just… need to talk to you." He looked at Fornell and suddenly felt bad because he was sure the FBI agent needed Gibbs more than he did in times like these, but he just couldn't help it. "Alone," he added.
Gibbs looked at him, his head cocked to one side, a brow furrowed. Then, just as Tony wanted to apologize, and he wasn't even sure what for exactly, Gibbs nodded, averting his glance to look at Tobias instead.
"Do you mind?"
"It's okay," Fornell answered, apparently feeling slightly off balance as he looked from Gibbs to Tony and back again. "I don't know what's going on, but DiNozzo here looks like a ghost, so I guess it's important."
"Thanks," Tony answered, a wave of relief washing over him, while all the same feeling wobbly on his own feet.
He waited until he heard the door fall shut behind Fornell before looking at his boss again, still trying to come up with the right words to say.
"What's wrong?" Gibbs finally asked into the silence, sounding mildly concerned by now.
"Nothing," Tony replied, still standing in the middle of Gibbs' living room. "I mean, Zoe just broke up with me."
"Why?" Gibbs asked, confusion written all over his face. "You were happy."
"Yeah, I know. But it wasn't enough. I know that now."
"What do you mean?"
"I just never realized it before. It was never her I've wanted. Or Ziva. Or Wendy. I don't know."
"What are you talking about?" Gibbs checked back, his tone of voice boarding to being annoyed now, but he was listening intently, Tony knew that – Gibbs always did when it was important, and God, this was so important.
"She broke up with me because she knew she never stood a chance. I just hadn't realized before she said it – and before you said it."
"What the hell are you talking about, Tony?"
Gibbs was definitely annoyed now, so Tony stayed silent for a while as he walked towards the older man and sat down next to him. He still needed to think of the right words to say. It wasn't easy voicing that monumental thing when he had only realized it mere hours ago.
"Remember when you told my dad that a friend of yours once bought his father a plane ticket because he loved him so much?"
At Gibbs nod, Tony continued, his voice getting steadier with every word he said. "I know you didn't mean it like that. You just meant to tell my dad I cared about him and you wanted to distract the perps. But it did things to me. I was crushed when you said it and I had no idea why."
Tony trailed off, looking at his own hands intently. He just couldn't say it. It was too hard, there was too much on the line, but at the same time it seemed like it wanted to burst out of his chest, his mouth.
"I didn't catch on until Zoe pointed it out to me two hours ago. She didn't even need to say the words because I suddenly just knew. She was right, I have been lying to myself. I realized… I was hurt when you said it because you were referring to me as a friend. I don't want to be your friend, Gibbs."
With that, Tony finally turned to look at the older man, and realized that he had said the wrong thing. Gibbs had turned a bit pale and his eyes were looking at him with such sadness that Tony felt the sudden urge to hug it right out of the other man.
"I didn't mean it like that, Gibbs," he added hastily, when his boss still hadn't managed to say a word. "I meant it's not enough. I don't want to be your friend. I want you. I want you to love me, to look at me like Palmer looks at Breena, like you probably looked at Shannon. I want to be the one who makes you smile once in a while, not those half smiles you give the kids, but like… real ones. I know you can do it and I want to be the reason why."
He fell silent at the look on Gibbs' face. He didn't look angry or surprised and that was the problem. Tony couldn't read his expression and he didn't know whether what he had just said was stupid or brave or the worst thing he'd ever done. So he just stared at the older man, his hands shaking almost violently. He had said too much and at the same time not nearly enough. He hadn't told him why he wanted to make him smile, why he wanted to looked at him like that. But he had needed to tell him. Even if only to make things right for Zoe – for everything she had given up for just this talk.
"I don't know what you're thinking right now," he finally continued, his voice shaky again. "I want you to know that I don't expect anything from you. I just needed to tell you because otherwise I'm sure it would have eaten me up alive. Hell, I've only known for a couple of hours and still it seems like I should've known it since the moment we've met. I'm sorry if this destroys everything, our friendship, partnership and all. I just really needed to say it, okay?"
"Tony," Gibbs' quiet voice finally was to be heard. "I… I mean…"
He broke off, running a hand over his face as if to buy himself more time and Tony shut up for once, knowing that he needed to give the other man some space, some time.
"I don't know what to say," Gibbs finally continued as he looked right back at Tony, his cheeks slightly flushed. "I hadn't expected anything like that. I had…"
"What?"
"I never expected anything like this."
"I know. I didn't either. I'm sorry."
"No, don't be," Gibbs slowly answered, sitting up a bit straighter. "I just need to time to let that sink in, that's all."
Tony felt his heart miss a beat before it continued it rather erratic rhythm from before. He suddenly didn't feel nervous anymore. At least Gibbs wasn't mad at him and while it all seemed brutally unreal right now, it felt right, too, and Tony had no idea why that even was.
"What you're saying is," Gibbs continued a moment later, "that you want to be with me?"
"Yeah," Tony replied and suddenly realized that he hadn't even thought about what it would imply. He really had just wanted to tell him how much he cared. "I guess."
"You guess?" the older man checked back incredulously. "You don't know?"
"No, Gibbs. I don't. I haven't thought any of this through. I just needed to tell you… tell you that I never loved anyone as much as I love you. And I know how that sounds, but it's the truth. The naked truth and I know you'll never return that sentiment and that's alright. I just wanted you to know. Even if it destroys me. It's fine."
"You love me?" Gibbs whispered, his eyes shimmering ever so slightly.
"Yes," Tony simply answered, meaning it.
"Okay," the other man said. "Okay."
Tony looked at him for a moment longer, waiting for him to say something else, but the silence lasted and the torn look on Gibbs' face was all he needed to see to know that while it had been the right decision to tell him, Gibbs wasn't nearly in the same place as he was.
And damn, that hurt and damn, his heart ached at the realization, but at the same time it felt oddly alright. Everything was out in the open and while Tony still didn't have a clue how the day had turned out this way, he knew that it was for the better. Even if Gibbs didn't reciprocate his feelings, it was okay.
So he stood up, shaking his head as Gibbs made a move to follow, and put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it.
"Don't," he said. "I'll just go home and tomorrow everything will be like it was before. I promise."
Gibbs just nodded and then Tony left his house, knowing that for once in his life, he had done the right thing, had shown the one person he really cared about his true self and had finally stopped lying himself. And that was really all that mattered.
He didn't notice the man watching him from the inside as he started his car and drove away. He didn't see the lone tear that was running down the older man's face and he didn't see the look full of love on his face.
If he had known that it was the last time he'd see him, he would have looked at him. But he didn't know and he would never know the other man loved him, too.
Just like he never saw the truck coming. Never saw him running a red light and crashing into him only a block away from Gibbs' house.