"Someone stole our mustaches!" cried Ryan monotonously, having been born too small to comprehend human emotion. "Now how will we fight crime in Gotham City?"

"There's no time for that! Look!" called the voice of Spencer, muffled by two Twinkies lodged in his hamster cheeks.

The camera pan followed his finger towards the sky, revealing the silhouette of a sextacular mustache against a single storm cloud.

Brendon sat waiting for the super sexy ryan seacrest Batman montage to ensue – oh yes, and he was pouting. "It's not coming, is it?" he sobbed into his favorite bony shoulder.

Ryan patted his back apathetically and began to sing "That's How I Beat Shaq" in D flat, rocking his Angelina Jolie-lipped friend into a slight coma and groping him when no one was looking.

Spencer emerged from the 'stache lair, trailing four identical llamas behind that somewhat resembled Jay Leno and dangling Twizzlers from the corners of his mouth. And so it was the gang began their journey, frightened, mustacheless, and chafing big time. Their arrival at the 7/11 was greeted by a gunman's fist before he escaped, singing the Wicked soundtrack in fluent German and parading around with two rather large potato sacks reading, "Stolen Property of Uncle Moneybags."

"O noez," Ryan grunted at the sight of his unconscious Brenny Bear, whose eyes had been replaced with rather large, bolded X's.

"We have to get our super sexy ryan seacrest powers back – before it's too late!" said Jon, flashing his Captain Obvious metal in Ryan's expressionless elf face.

Back at the 'stache lair...

"Boy, I sure am glad you're suddenly and unexpectedly better, lover – I mean Brendon," said Ryan, sharing a loving gaze with his friend.

"Me too, Ryho," cooed Brendon affectionately. Only small dogs from miles away could hear.

Also suddenly and unexpectedly, three Spaniards in sombreros, rainbow capes, and sextacular mustaches Apparated out of thin air.

"Oh my Jonas! It's the Spanish Inquisition!" Spencer shrieked, showering the room in confetti sprinkles and Cool Whip.

"We've been expecting you," growled Jon, extracting his vampire teeth and crouching protectively near Spencer, who was shivering with antici...pation.

"IMPOSSIBLE!" intervened the very angry maraca player in all caps. "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!"

~ SUPER SEXY RYAN SEACREST FIGHTING SEQUENCE (interrupted with love by 4kids) ~

"YAY!" squealed the four mustached gentlefolk in unison, freezing mid-air as they leapt with glee and gayness.

The maraca player and his trumpet-and-guitar-playing brothers slowly faded away, never to be seen again. It's said that they've been damned for eternity to be featured regularly on Family Guy.

And so the circle of life was complete.

IN LOVING MEMORY: THE SPANISH INQUISITION (1478-2009)