Yes, it is finally here, as promised. And it is going to be EPIC (I hope...) And in chapters, owing to the insane length of the whole thing
So, without further ado, allow me to present...
STAR TREK 2009
THE AMUSING REVIEW
Warnings Contains cracky randomness, references to other fandoms, slash by the bucketload, some language and some innuendo. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Oh, and some of the running gags do follow on from the Merlin Amusing Reviews so... yeah. Should be understandable anyway
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I do not own Star Trek, I do not own the actors (shame, really), I do not own that goat I passed on the way here and I do not own any of the completely intentional references to Doctor Who, Wicked, Merlin and many other random things that I shall throw in in order to amuse you lot, *sigh* The things I do for you readers. I don't know... *is rambling* Anyway, back to the review...
1 – Modern/futuristic settings get proper numbers instead of Roman ones. See? Attention to detail is where it's at folks
Hmmm, the music is haunting and pretty and growing dramatic and swelling to a climax and... it stops. Yeah. Stops, in order to show us the general beeping, machinery noises of a spaceship instead. Thanks. All us peoples who enjoy epic music are sorely dissapointed. And it's hardly even been a minute yet.
Anyway, here we are on the USS... Kelvin? Who in the fridge is Kelvin meant to be? Okay, I will make up a backstory that some bloke called Kelvin was the first man to have a barbeque on the moon. So they named a starship after him. So there. Anyway, something random is happening out a in space, like a lightning storm. Some woman back at base thinks that doesn't seen possible. Yeah. That's why they said it.
Inside... WOAH, is it crowded and metallic and snazzy inside that ship. Anyway, badass bald captain (BBC, to his friends) is looking tres shocked and confused at all this craziness.
VERY BRITISH BLOKE Captain, are you seeing this?
BBC Oh my god...
On the screen something very flashy and spikey and sparky appears to be emerging from a black whole. Like a giant insect/porcupine that dwarfs the Kelvin by several squillion times. Oh, and they've launched green insect/pocupine-ish weapons at the Kelvin too. How very crappy. They strike with lots of explosions and screaming. BBC orders evacuation shuttles to be prepared when suddenly there is an ominous close up on BBC and a tres sinister voice says:
SINISTER VOICE Hello.
GAH! Its the great big bald tattooed face of some bald tattooed guy. Who is inviting BBC onto his ship for a nice little chat with his captain. Or else. BBC obviously can't really refuse so what is he to do? He turns to one of the blokes who the camera has been focusing on for a while now, so we know he must be important.
BBC Walk with me
They do so, with BBC giving instructions to evacuate the ship if he doesn't return
BLOKE Aye, Captain
"Aye"? What is he, a pirate?
BBC You're captain now, Mister Kirk
Oooooo... dramatic muchness? Kirk stands there looking like he is suffering a poignant moment. Meanwhile BBC goes to find a mini-shuttle and fly out into the spikey jaws of the insect/porcupine ship. I note that the spherical area of the Kelvin he flies out of looks like the Heart of Gold from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy movie (note first reference of the review). BBC lands and leaves his shuttle to find...
BBC GAH! A QUARRY IN WALES! ...Oh no, just a green cave-like ominous looking place. That's alright
Meanwhile, the Kelvin crew note that his heartrate has elevated. Is that in any way important? Really? Some bald blokes with tattoos escort BBC to the throne of their king, uh, captain. The bloke who talked to them on the screen (who isn't the captain) shows BBC a pretty hollagram of a cool ship with spinning things.
BALD TATTOO GUY Have you ever seen this ship?
BBC Who are you guys anyway?
BALD TATTOO GUY That wasn't my question. Anyway, I speak for Captain Nero and I'm asking the questions
BBC You asked a question. It's my turn. What gives Nero the right to attack a federation vessel? And anyway, the fact that you are Romulans and your captain shares his name with a Roman emperor is not funny by the way
NERO *glare of doom*
BALD TATTOO GUY *literally chucks another hologram at BBC, this one showing some old bloke* My turn! Do you know the location of Ambassador Spock?
BBC Erm, who?
BALD TATTOO GUY What date is it anyway?
BBC 223304. Duh. Who are you guys anyway?
NERO *roar of doom. Impales BBC with random spear thing*
Talk about anger management issues much.
The Kelvin crew note that their captain is dead. Which sucks. Oh, and the Romulans are attacking them again, which also sucks. Kirk starts rattling off confusing instructions at a hundred miles per hour. Then decides to evacuate. That includes a random pregant woman by the way. Talking of which, WHAT IN HECK'S NAME IS A PREGNANT WOMAN DOING ON A SPACESHIP?
There are background noise that sound vaguely like the TARDIS. Alright then. Pregnant woman whips out her mobile phone to talk to George Kirk, who just happens to be her husband
KIRK Thank god you're okay, my wife whose name will not be mentioned onscreen so I might as well call you Cameron off of House
CAMERON According to wikipedia my actual name is Winona, which is doubly confusing as the actress playing the mother of the other main character in this movie is also called Winona. So yeah, Cameron's fine :) What am I doing here anyway? Surely they wouldn't let a pregnant woman on a spaceship.
KIRK It's for drama's sake. Anyway, get to a medical shuttle and do exactly as I say, right?
CAMERON Can do. By the way, I'm in labour. Just thought you ought to know
KIRK Riiiight, do exactly what the midwives say then. I'm on my way
COMPUTER Sorry to be a jerk at such a touching moment but unfortunately the autopilot function has been disabled and unless you want this ship to drop of of space you're gonna have to pilot it yourself
KIRK WHAT?
COMPUTER I said I was sorry
Meanwhile Cameron's midwife gives us a lovely view of her freaky large alien eyes. Freaky. But hey, Cameron and her cardigan and her baby bump are in the shuttle and ready to escape, so thats good
KIRK Erm, Cameron sweetheart? Can't come with you.
SHUTTLE *takes off*
CAMERON WHAT THE HECK? *scream of labour pain*
The haunting music starts up again as the baby is born, at the same time as George blowing up all the insect/porcupine missiles that try to blow up the escaping shuttles. Oh, and he decides that if he's gonna go he might as well go with a bang and crash into the enemy ship. So hey, thats pretty brave and awesome of him
BABY *cries*
CAMERON Ohmigod a baby *stares as if she's never seen a baby before* Hey, George, we have a baby! He's beautiful. You should be here
KIRK Yeah, bit busy trying not to let you get killed with a minute left till I die which is going very slowly as all last-minutes-to-live go in movies when you are talking to your loved one. What are we gonna call the baby anyway?
CAMERON How about after your father?
KIRK Tiberius? Heck no! No more Roman names, please. Call him Jim after your dad. Please. For me. Seeing as I'm dying and all
CAMERON Sure thing honey
KIRK I love you so much. I love yo-
SHIP *crashes*
Its actually a very poignant moment. Way to go JJ Abrams, getting me all, sad and its not even eleven minutes into the movie.
CAMERON *cries*
HALF THE AUDIENCE *cries*
OTHER HALF *eat popcorn like the heartless bastards they are*
And so the beautiful but sad scene fades away, the dramatic music rises and the title appears. You know, I've already put the title all dramtic in capital letters at the beginning of this review, but hey, just because I can:
STAR TREK
Don't I treat you people?
2 – And BAM! There's a retro red car being driven through a desert. By a blonde kid. Who is far to young to be driving but, hey, this is Iowa.
GREG GRUNBERG VOCAL CAMEO BRING MY CAR BACK BIIIIIIITCH!
YOUNG!JIM KIRK Sorry. Cannot here you over the sound of how EPIC I am!
How the heck does that kid reach the peddles and still see over the steering wheel? Seriously. He must be under 5'1" (which is my height) and I have to sit all the way forward with a rediculously straight back and I still strain my leg getting the clutch all the way down. Maybe its just an epically small car.
Anyway, Kirk turns on the epic radio and attempts to take the convertable roof off, resulting in aforementioned convertable roof ripping off the car and flying away. Young Jimbo doesn't seem to bothered by this.
SOME RANDOM HITCHHIKER (who apparently goes by the name of Johnny) *totally bemused look*
KIRK Look at me! I'm awesome!
THE POLICE *turn up out of nowhere on an awesome hovering thing*
I am resisting the urge to do a joke referring the band The Police/Sting here...
KIRK Crap.
POLICEMAN *who has a robotic voice* Oi, aren't you too young to be driving a car? How the heck do you reach the peddles?
KIRK *turns conviently placed sharp corner*
POLICEMAN *sigh* *follows him*
Kirk, in his desperate attempts to escape, crashes through a barrier which is there for good reason, you know, something to do with the GIANT FREAKING CANYON right in front of him. And if this scene is starting to seem familiar, ask yourself this question: Have you watched the film Treasure Planet recently? I have. I think JJ Abrams might have too. You know, reckless kid called Jim crashing through deserted roads and barriers that are there for good reasons whilst being chased by the police. Yup. Also, the whole spaceship thing. Make up your own mind.
Kirk slams on the breaks (car must not have very good breaks because generally mine stops within the distance that seems to be available to Kirk here) He also spins the car round and makes an epic swan dive out of the car. Car falls into the canyon. Canyon noms car. Kirk ends up hanging from the edge by his fingertips and has to pull himself back up. Don't worry, Jim, it's good practice for later life :)
POLICEMAN You're nicked, sonny. Whats your name anyway?
KIRK My name is James Tiberius Kirk (bitch)
3 – Anyway, meanwhile on a red planet that isn't Mars (its Vulcan) and that appears to be upside down (talk about weird camera angles)...
In a city that looks like its surrounded by a child's traintrack and filled with epic spires (no, I am not trying to emulate the opening narration to Merlin. The charater-purpose and apperance paralells between Spock and Merlin are not relevant at the moment) a load of pointy-eared Vulcan children are standing in random half-speres sunk into the ground reciting stuff. What I want to know is, is this supposed to be some kind of exam or is it generally how their school lessons work. Seeing as I am going through exams at the time of writing, that one seems to be the more likelt case. Though that might just be me sympathising. Exams suck.
We are concentrating on one Vulcan kid in particular, so duh he's Spock. He looks bored but that might just be his expression. Meh.
Exam or lesson or whatever it is over, Spock is approached by Vulcan Draco Malfoy and his Vulcan Crabbe and Goyle lackeys. And yes, they have prepared new insults for today, thank you very much. Which they deliver with very bored sounding voices. Honestly, a Vulcan trying to insult somebody isn't really worth doing but hey, guess if you're a Vulcan too they can really sting. Its actually quite funny the stupidly weak shove Vulcan!Draco gives him in an attempt to get an emotional reaction from Spock's half-human side.
SPOCK Not affected at all by your insults, thank you very much try again later
VULCAN!DRACO MALFOY Ur mum
SPOCK I WILL WOUND YOU!
And he does. His dad isn't happy.
SPOCK'S DAD (can't be bothered to look up his name right now. Anyone know it?) Emotions run deep within our race. I'll tell you about them, whilst the audience are distracted by the lensflare across my face
AUDIENCE Ooo, lensflare!
SPOCK Still not getting why you married a human
SPOCK'S DAD Because it is my duty as Ambassador to observe and understand human behaviour
What is Earth? A zoo?
SPOCK'S DAD You are fully capable of deciding your own destiny
SPARKY THE GREAT SLASH DRAGON AND GAIUS (from Merlin) Destiny *clink cups of coffee*
The scene fades to a new scene, with a sillhouette of a woman (obviously Spock's mother) who also does not have name so I am going to call her... Abigail Williams. Why? Because that's who Winona Rider played in The Crucible, which we watched in English class and all enjoyed apart from the majorly depressing ending. We all came out with the general thought that Abigail Williams was a bitch and everything would have been fine if she didn't insist on dancing around naked in woods and having affairs with Daniel Day Lewis. And I'm rambling again. But yeah, Abigail Williams (why don't they freaking NAME people in this movie?)
ABIGAIL WILLIAMS Come here
SPOCK Yeah, I'm not six, you know *comes over to his mother and is now an adult and is way taller than her*
ABIGAIL I know, but this is a clever device used to show that time has passed. *strokes Merlin's face* I do love you, my boy
SPOCK O-kay, this is creepy so... What's wrong?
ABIGAIL There's no need to be anxious
SPOCK I'm not anxious. Why are mothers so creepy?
MERLIN, ARTHUR, SYLAR, THE DOCTOR AND OTHERS Tell us about it
MERLIN *to the Doctor* Who was your mother supposed to be?
THE DOCTOR According to Russel T Davis, that creepy woman who spent the better part of The End of Time Part One stalking Wilf is my mother
MERLIN The phrase "stalking Wilf" is creepy all in itself
SPOCK MY MOVIE!
OTHERS *flee*
SPOCK And please stop adjusting my jumper, mother, it's bad enough that I have to wear it in the first place. May I ask you something?
ABIGAIL Anything
SPOCK Still creepy. And do you think I should purge all my emotions? I want you're opinion in case you think I hate you or something
ABIGAIL Oh, Spock. Whatever you choose to be you will have a proud mother
Still creepy... And... WOAH! CAMERA ANGLE! Did the camera fall over or what? Ah, better now. So, whilst the camera is being adjusted Spock is being lectured by a load of old Vulcans in weird chairs looking oddly like a court. What I would like to know is why do all the Vulcan's have British accents (Spock doesn't count because his mother is human and has an American accent) but Draco Malfoy and his cronies had American accents? Huh? I doubt it matters but its still weird. Talking of weirdness, that jumper Spock's wearing really is hideous. Probably knitted by Mrs Weasley...
VULCAN ELDER Just out of interest, why have you enlisted to Starfleet as well as the Vulcan Science Acadamy when it was pretty obvious you're clever enough to get into the Science Acadamy?
SPOCK It was logical to cultivate multipal options
As my teachers keep telling me when it comes to looking around Universities. *shrugs*
VULCAN ELDER Yeah, that was unecessary though. You know, its remarkable that you have acheived so much despite your disadvantage
... (that's an uncomfortable silence by the way)
SPOCK Disadvantage?
VULCAN ELDER Your human mother
...
SPOCK Well, I'm declining your offer then
VULCAN ELDER But no Vulcan has ever declined admission to the Acadamy
SPOCK Then as I am half-human your record reminans untarnished
'Pwnage.
VULCAN ELDER Well, now I think I am going to be suspicious and decide that you only came here to waste our time owing to a human need to rebel
...
SPOCK *totally, epically sarcastic* Live long and prosper (translation: fuck off and die painfully, I'm defying gravity and no one's gonna bring me down. Bitches) *leaves*
...
VULCAN ELDER What was that?
VULCAN ELDER 2 I beleive the technical definition is "'Pwnage", sir
VULCAN ELDER Oh
...
VULCAN ELDER Harsh
To be continued...
Oh, and if you got that last reference then major cookies to you :)
Reviews are greatly appriciated :)