AN: I do not own anything related to the TV series CASTLE but I love that so many seasons exist. (UPDATED: Spelling corrections and a few minor sentence alterations. Nothing significant.)

Chapter 1: He Looked So Sad, She Was Just Afraid

She found him in the observation room some hours later. He was staring through the glass at the floor in the area beyond. He didn't move when the door opened and she stepped inside.

"Thanks for the coffee earlier." He didn't respond.

Gently, she walked to him. "It's rough, I know. As you said, all those people - their hopes gone in an instant."

He moved then, inhaled a shuddering breath. She almost thought she saw a tear in his eye but it may have been a reflection from the light in the room beyond. He didn't look at her.

"We've got some time for the moment. You want to catch a bite at Remy's? Maybe you can finish telling me what you were going to before we had to get back into it."

He moved again, turned his head in her direction, his gaze resting on her left shoulder, through her shoulder, past her shoulder. He would not look in her eyes. He looked so sad.

"Kate..." He had tried to keep his voice neutral, tried not to let the pain churning inside escape. He failed. She could hear how badly he failed.

He straightened, bringing himself to his full height, gathering his badly-concealed and oh-so-raw emotions as his body turned to align parallel with hers. He still looked at her left shoulder, through her shoulder, past her shoulder. He still could not bring himself to look into her eyes. She wanted to hug him and take this pain away.

"Kate..." he tried again and now he did look at her, did look into her eyes and despite the pain his eyes were true. "You know I love you. I know you don't feel the same." He glanced away, through her shoulder, past her shoulder. A small regretful smile curled his mouth, eyes crinkled at thoughts of lost hopes, vanishing dreams. There was love there but it was screaming. His gaze returned to hers and she knew it was not a reflection from the adjacent room.

"Do you know how hard it is to be around the person you love day after day knowing it can never be? I can't do it anymore. I'm not built that way. I'm sorry." He was sorry, his sorrow a pounding drum. "I'm not strong enough." He turned away, his shadowed gaze seeking the other door, the door not past her shoulder. His hand grasped the handle then he spoke once more before the words retreated from him, possibly for now, possibly for ever. "Please don't call me."

Then he was gone. From the room. From the precinct. From her life?

Oh god! She couldn't move. Oh god! He heard! 'I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it!' He had heard and she had lied and she had hurt him and Oh god, why couldn't she have told him? Why couldn't she now run after him? She couldn't have told him then, couldn't have told him on her return, could have told him after.

Why couldn't she move?

She had hurt him. Worse than Sophia? Worse than Kyra? Worse than Gina. Worse than Meredith. She had hurt him and she had hurt him and he had given her his heart and she wanted him to and she had hurt him. She hadn't meant to. She loved him. But her motives mattered only to her. He didn't have to care. She had hurt him.

When had she fallen for him? Before Josh? Before Tom? How many lifetimes had she been hurting him?

Why did she hurt him?

It was the fear. The fear had been there a long time. She had lost her mother. She almost lost her father. She wasn't strong enough. She couldn't handle another.

She had hurt him. Had she lost him? Was she strong enough? Was this another?

She should run after him - he would only be in the carpark, in front of the building - but she couldn't move. She was ashamed. She had lied to him because she couldn't cope with all of it. She had been shot. She needed to recover from being shot. She needed all of her energy and her focus and her strength to recover from being shot, to keep her job, to get out of bed each day, to love him in silence.

She should have told him. Told him she remembered. Told him she couldn't deal just then. Couldn't deal with that change. Would he have listened? Would he have stayed? She needed her solid ground. She needed the familiar. She needed his support. She was selfish. Does he think she was cruel? He said he loved her. She was afraid to lose him.

Had she now lost him?

She had lost Royce. She really loved him. He threw that away.

She was not happy. Except when he was near. She had lost her mother. She couldn't find her killer. Did she deserve to be happy? Even with him near?

Could she find the balance? Could she make a choice? She loved her mother. She really loved him. How could she choose?

She was not a coward. She had faced down danger. She had confronted killers. She brought down monsters. She fought the Grim Reaper. She was just afraid.

She had already lost him. She broke their always. She was empty. Nothing left to throw away. She didn't know how.

The young detective found her there an hour later, tears still streaming down her face. She didn't try to hide and he tried not to look.

He would finish the book. It was the last one on the contract. But he wouldn't kill her. He would put it on the page and he would purge his soul and he would speak of all the losses he would never know but he wouldn't kill her. He would let her love.

There was a soft footstep. He looked up to see her standing in the doorway. She looked so small. She looked so young. Her eyes held steady with his. He couldn't handle the friend zone. It was selfish. It was unfair. But he couldn't handle the friend zone.

"I love you, Richard Castle. I've loved you since before I even met Tom. I wish I could have told you. I wish I could have said."

He looked away.