I DO NOT OWN SOUTH PARK
Author's Notes:
- I was cracking up writing this little ball of awkward.
- Tweek's POV.
- Please Review!
Hey! Craig, quit playing with my cellphone; you said you'd help me clean my room, goddammit, and you are not backing down on this one! And yes, you are obliged to since I helped you clean yours. Seventeen times.
I know it's an iPhone. I know you've been Internet-deprived for three whole days. Can you PLEASE stop posting Yuri on your Instagram? Dad sees my photo stream!
Thank you.
What am I doing? I'm putting a password on this thing. And no, it's not going to be coffee related. Not at all. Nope, it's totally not going to be 'Craigservingmecoffeeinamaidoutfit'
Not a chance.
Alright, so you're finally gonna help me? Good. Take everything out of my closet. Yes, this is necessary. Then, we need to make sure all the hangers face the same way. Yes, I KNOW all my shirts are green. Green is my favorite color.
Shush, Craig. Like your 'Red Racer' shirt is WAY less tacky than my 'Harbucks' one. Seriously, that shirt is fucking amazing.
Why do I have a rocket launcher in my closet? I can't POSSIBLY know why that's there. I also can't possibly know why it's loaded, and why my restraining orders on George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg are duck taped to the handle. Seriously, Craig. Don't pull that trigger on the left.
... Craig? Craig, don't pull that- JESUS CHRIST, MAN!
It's on safety anyways. Toss it over there.
I totally box, Craig. I won the lightweight championships last year! Totally made this one little boy cry. I am not mean; that little boy called me a pussy! What am I supposed to do? You still don't believe me? What, am I not macho enough? Lookit these guns!
... Okay, I'll stop flexing.
Place my boxing gloves on the floor somewhere. Yep. Righhhhttt there. Perfect.
Okay, let's keep... THAT IS NOT MINE, OKAY? WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD I HAVE A COSPLAY OF PRINCESS ZELDA IN MY CLOSET?!
... Shut up, at least I looked really freaking hot in that. I was gonna go to comic con with Kevin. Yeah, he was going as Luke Skywalker and I was SUPPOSED to go as Link, but some asshole named Richard Tweak screwed up my order. YEAH, YOU BETTER HAVE HEARD THAT, DAD!
Okay, it's almost clean. Thank god.
Why do I have a pack of Trojan condoms in my closet...? Did you really need to ask that? Cause you just made this really awkward.
Well, if you must know, I am terrified of getting raped. I am even more terrified of STD's. So, if some psycho rapist breaks in my room, I'm gonna offer him one before I'm sodomized.
Yes, I'm serious!
...
C-Craig? You have that look. You know, the one where I can tell you're up to no good.
Step away, Craig. Oof. That's the wall. Okay, you've backed me into a wall... This is awkward.
C-Craig, what are you doing? I'm fine with my jacket on. Brr. It's cold, don't you think? Maybe we should go outside to cool off or something. Or warm off. Whatever.
I'm not being prude, asshole! But maybe guys don't like it when other guys, especially their best friends, grab their ass!
That was not a sigh of content, son of a bitch! It was protest! PROTEST! Quit feeling me up! It's fucking queer!
Okay, maybe that felt kinda nice, BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE THIS ANY LESS UNACCEPTABLE! I'm just sensitive in my tummy.
And yes, I called it my 'tummy'. Shut up. You called cuts and bruises 'booboo's' until you were ten.
Stop, dude! Seriously! I'm gonna get a restraining order for YOU.
You don't care...? Shit.