Author's Note: I love that deleted scene from the script where Aziraphale gets the promotion but Crowley stirs up trouble to enable Aziraphale to stay. I can't help but think about what would happen if the roles were reversed.
P.S. small easter egg shoutout mentioned from Supernatural XD
Enjoy!
Crowley heard a knock on the door. Who could it be? He did not want someone to disturb his time with Aziraphale. It was hard enough to convince his angel to come hang out at his place rather than the bookshop for a change. He had been over to Crowley's place for over a week now.
He sauntered his way and opened the door. He momentarily stood frozen staring at Beelzebub and Hastur. 'Hail Satan,' greeted Beelzebub and Hastur.
'Hail Satan,' Crowley managed to say.
'Are you going to invite us in?' Shit.
'Sure! Welcome in my terrible Prince and Duke of Hell!' gestured Crowley at the top of his voice in the most dramatic manner. He hoped Aziraphale had heard him and was in hiding.
As soon as Beelzebub stepped in, the demon sniffed at the air. 'What in hell is that sickeningly sweet smell?'
Hastur smelt it too. 'It smells vaguely similar to something good…' eyeing Crowley.
'Ohhh...probably must be that old lady neighbour of mine. Always a do gooder. I heard yesterday she donated to the homeless. Anyway what brings you both here today?' said Crowley quickly changing the topic. It had to be something big otherwise ol' Beelzebub would not be here.
'We have come bearing dastardly horrible news,' smiled Hastur slyly.
'You're being promoted Crowley,' said Beelzebub.
Crowley blinked. 'A...a...Promotion?'
'Yes Crowley. You have served Satan and Hell with such wicked vision. We're pleased with your work and you will be transferred to Headquarters permanently today to head Strategic Planning.'
'Today? That's...a rather short notice,' said Crowley. All he could think about was the prospect of leaving Aziraphale behind. He could not. Any other demon would have jumped at the opportunity but not him. All he wanted was to stay on Earth, create some mischief and stay with his angel. But there was no time to scheme…
'What about my work? I need to stay here to continue Satan's work and thwarting that bloody angel Aziraphale's miracles,' pointed out Crowley.
'I'm sure Balthazar, who will replace your station, would be up to the task.'
Bloody hell. 'But that Aziraphale, though he is an Angel, he is so good at what he does. He almost achieved world peace at one time. World Peace, can you believe that? We would have been out of a job. Only I, who have studied his methods, understand him enough to foil his plans.'
'And we recognize your terrifying contributions. You can come back to Hell with us. I wouldn't put one of my most cruel demons on Earth to endure all that goodness,' Beelzebub spat at that last word.
Crowley wanted to punch them in their ghastly faces. How can they do this? This is not fair! Damn you Satan!
He tried to compose himself. 'Do we have to leave now? I have some more work to wrap up.'
'Not this instant. We will be back in half an hour. It is not often that I walk upon Earth. I would like to try what the mortals call alcohol,' said Beelzebub walking out with Hastur in tow.
When he was sure they were gone, Crowley went to look for Aziraphale. 'Angel! Angel! Where you at you bastard?' He could not find him. Aziraphale was gone. For once, Crowley was out of ideas. He could not even say his final goodbye to his angel. He slumped into his chair in defeat.
Little did Crowley know during his exchange with Beelzebub and Hastur, Aziraphale had indeed heard Crowley's cue. He promptly and expertly hid behind Crowley's plants. The plants had become rather fond of Aziraphale who had been kind to them by secretly miracle-ing the fig's brown spots away before Crowley could discover it. The plants covered him as best they could but Beelzebub and Hastur would have still seen the obvious white figure standing behind some giant plants, which thankfully they did not enter that part of the apartment.
While hiding, Aziraphale heard Crowley's exchange with his superiors. He's being sent back to Hell. I suppose I should feel happy for him. It is a promotion after all. So why do I feel so hollow? I should be overjoyed that Earth has one less demon around, certainly makes my work easier. Oh dear! I have to do something. Crowley is my best friend. He hates it down there. It would still be considered as doing good if I'm helping my best friend from trouble right?
He did not have much time to consider. They were coming back for him in half an hour. Aziraphale had to pull off a miracle. He slipped out the back and followed Beelzebub and Hastur.
They soon arrived at the local pub and ordered a variety of alcohol. Aziraphale intentionally walked past Beelzebub and Hastur while making a show of acting shifty and suspicious as if watching out for anyone who could spy on him, while at the same time somehow not noticing the two highest ranking demons drinking at the bar.
Hastur saw Aziraphale first and nudged Beelzebub. The two recognize who he was and followed Aziraphale to the Men's washroom. Before they could enter, Aziraphale locked the door behind them. Naturally, they pressed their ears against the door to listen.
'Castiel, so good to see you,' said Aziraphale, fully aware they were listening in.
'The pleasure is mine Oh Great One Aziraphale,' said Aziraphale in his most shrill voice to make it sound stereotypically angelic. 'Are you sure is wise to meet here in this...den of iniquity?'
'Nonsense Castiel! Because this is as you put it a den of iniquity. Demons will expect this is the last place we'd ever meet.'
Beelzebub and Hastur thought about it and nodded. Makes sense.
Aziraphale continued 'So what news have you brought me Castiel? I hope there is some good news. That evil demon Crowley has been besting my plans recently.'
'Oh wonderful news Aziraphale! I've heard that the foul demon Crowley is going back to Hell! He's received a promotion of sorts it seems and the demon Balthazar is replacing him here.'
'Oh Castiel! Such delightful news indeed! Balthazar will be a walk in the park compared to Crowley!'
'Oh yes yes, only Crowley has been able to successfully interfere with your miracle plans.'
'That's right! Now with Crowley out of the way, we can proceed with our plans of removing porn from existence,' said Aziraphale clapping his hands in delight for the added effect.
The two demons stared at each other. What?! No porn? So the people will never get to commit the sin of lust and be lured by the temptations of pleasure. What a heinous miracle!
'Everything is in order Sire. We will carry out your plan as discussed.'
By the time Aziraphale opened the door, there was no trace of Beelzebub and Hastur.
That half hour of waiting was the longest Crowley ever felt. He tried calling Aziraphale but the angel was not picking up his call from the bookshop. Someone rapidly knocked on the door. Guess this is it then. Goodbye Angel. I will never forget you because you will always be with me in my heart.
He opened the door with a resigned sigh. Beelzebub and Hastur looked worried. 'Crowley, I'm afraid there has been a change of plans,' said Beelzebub. Crowley raised his eyebrow.
'You will not be going back to Hell with us.' Wait...what?
'We find your talents are better suited here, on Earth. If we felt regret, we would but demons don't feel regret, that you have to continue living in this...place,' said Beelzebub with destain.
'Oh...yes off course. I understand. I will continue Satan's work here,' said Crowley trying very hard to suppress a grin.
'And please do something about angel Aziraphale. Under no circumstances that he should succeed in removing porn,' added Hastur.
Aziraphale? Remove porn? What in the Nine Hells… 'I will not fail,' said Crowley.
'Hail Satan.'
'Hail Satan.'
When they left, Crowley dared to let out a huge sigh of relief. He was not going back to Hell after all.
He saw Aziraphale coming out through the lift, walking towards him. 'Angel! Where have you been? You could have been seen!'
'Worried about demon friends seeing you were fraternizing with an angel?' said Aziraphale.
'No! I was worried what they would do to you if they saw you! You all right there?'
'I'm quite all right Crowley. It is you I'm worried about. So I take it you're not going back to Hell anymore?'
Crowley nodded. 'Good. Then it worked,' said Aziraphale feeling rather pleased with himself.
'Wait...that was you? You changed their minds? You let slip that you wanted to remove porn?' laughed Crowley.
'I'm sure it's almost impossible to remove porn so that would be a win for you,' Aziraphale smirked, giddy with excitement.
'Thank you Angel. I owe you one.' said Crowley sincerely.
'Nonsense, my treat. I know how much you hate it down there,' smiled Aziraphale. 'But I suppose we could go for lunch? To celebrate?'
'Sure. Lunch on me. Oysters?'
'Absolutely. And lots of alcohol.'
'Done.'