"Morelli, show these newbies around," my boss demands.
Great. I have to lug around two inexperienced nobodys while my buddies get to go out and shoot people. This job is so unfair.
"This here's the hallway," I begin, not bothering in the least to disguise my distaste for this task.
The one guy rolls his eyes. The other one, a pretty young woman who would already have her panties off if I weren't a taken man, is too busy batting her eyelashes to pay any attention to what I'm saying. I'll be enjoying this tomorrow when she comes in and gets lost.
I lead them around and show off what's what. Until we enter the break room, that is. I don't think there is a single cop in Trenton anywhere but here. I suck in a breath. They're all laughing their asses off and passing around money.
"Oh God," I mutter, feeling that familiar sinking feeling in my stomach.
The fresh meat look at me curiously.
"Hey, it's Morelli, right on time," Eddie calls, "Do you want to know what she did this time?"
I'm already digging around in my pockets for my car keys.
"Oh no you don't," Billy chuckles, "Stanley won the pool. Besides, you're busy showing these two around. But mostly we just want to watch you sweat."
"Have you mentioned our favorite bombshell bounty hunter in your tour yet?" one of the guys asks.
"Just tell me where I need to drive. Please tell me its not the hospital," I snap.
"Hell no. Stanley's already on his way. It's not your job."
"Do I look like I give a shit?"
"Morelli's in a mood again. Bet he got dumped. Again," someone mutters.
I narrow my eyes an try to search out the culprit. "No!" Shit, that sounded defensive. "I mean, it was a mutual thing."
"Ri-ight."
"Who cares anyway? Where is she?"
"Morelli's girlfriend - well, his sometimes girlfriend who he mostly just screws and proposes to repeatedly -"
"Not repeatedly! It's a standing offer!"
"-is a bit of a celebrity around here," Eddie explains to the people behind me. I had entirely forgotten about their existence.
"I'm calling her," I announce, having given up any hope of getting information out of this useless bunch.
Billy keeps talking. "Last week she brought in a naked felon and his hooker. The week before that, her car caught fire. Before that, she blew up a car."
"No, that was the week a train fell on her car," Eddie corrects.
"She's pretending her phone isn't working," I growl, "Tell me here the fuck she is!"
They all ignore me and keep gossiping like hens or whatever the saying is.
"Or was that another time she blew up her car? That one was the Porsche she borrowed off Ranger, remember?"
"Oh yeah, I lose track. She's blown through so many cars recently. I don't know how she gets into so much trouble. Bet she's a hell cat in bed," one of the older officers says.
"Not your business," I snap.
"Let's not forget the dumpster incident."
"Hey, are we telling Stephanie stories?" Carl asks, just now walking in.
"Of course."
"What about the time she showed up covered in eggshells."
"Boring."
"Alright, what about the multiple car explosions?"
"We've gone over those already."
"She set up that corpse on a lawn chair."
"Remember when she left Joe half naked in the middle of a crime scene with nothing but a gun and a boner?"
"I hate you all. Is anybody going to tell me what she did this time?"
"I hope she burnt down another funeral parlor," Carl says wistfully.
"She probably has another serial rapist after her so fucking tell me!" I shout.
"That would make, what, three crazy raping murderers? Four?"
"Geez, Morelli, you're in a mood. She cut you off again?"
"No!"
Yes.
"Ri-ight."
"Did she drop another vomiting dog on you?"
"Did she break into your house again?"
"She and Mary Lou have been stalking you again, haven't they?"
"Just tell me what happened today!" I demand.
"Morelli's no fun when it comes to Steph," Eddie stage whispers, winking at the silent newbies who I keep forgetting about. They have enormous grins on their faces just like everyone else. Enjoying themselves at my expense.
"He even bugged her car."
"Once." I defend myself.
"Twice."
"Whatever. So are you going to get to the point or not?"
"Calm down, Morelli, we're just yanking your chain. We don't even know what's going on yet. She just placed an emergency call. That's all."
"Probably needs more handcuffs. She goes through them like she goes through cars."
"I bet Granny broke another kadavar," Eddie laughs.
"Maybe there are more spiders in her car," Carl suggests.
"That one is out of context!" I point out.
"There is no context."
"I hate you all."
Just then, my phone buzzes. I yank it up to my ear. "Steph?"
"He he, false alarm, nothing to be worried about," she says weakly.
"Bullshit. What did you do?"
"Kidnap another mob heir," Eddie mutters, earning sniggers across the room.
I am acutely aware that everyone is following y half of the conversation diligently. I consider trying to go somewhere else to talk, but they'd just come after me. This really is too good of an opportunity to pas up. So I settle for shooting them all the finger.
"No biggie. Its just the car."
I close my eyes and pinch my nose. "Please tell me you mean you ran someone over with the Buick again."
"Not quite."
"Dammit, Steph, just tell me!"
"Isortoftookourtruckanditexpl oded."
My eyes bug out. "Let me get this straight," I say for the benefit of the eavesdroppers, "You stole my car. Again. And blew it up. Again."
Whistles from all the other cops.
"That's not all."
"Oh God. There's more?"
I sit down for this.
"I had to get your keys from your house and a window accidently got broken."
"That's called breaking and entering, Cupcake."
"Yep. I know. And then Bob somehow got loose."
"Shit. What did he eat?"
"A better question might be what didn't he eat."
I groan. "So you broke into my house, stole my car, let the dog loose. What else? This can't be all."
"Well I took your car to get douhnuts."
"God forbid you go a day without doughnuts," I say, "Wait, you went across town to get my car to go get doughnuts when there's a bakery within walking distance of your house?"
"Of course. Anyway, the FTA I happened to be looking for happened to be in the parking lot."
"What are the odds," I deadpan.
"But he had a big gun so I got mine out."
"Were there bullets in your gun, Cupcake?"
"Of course not."
"Of course not," I repeat.
I really wish all of the guys would shut up and stop laughing. She's going to hear them and then blame me when this story gets around.
"So while I'm trying to convince him to come in he shoves me into a giant puddle."
"End of the world right there. Giant puddle."
"I haven't gotten to the best part yet."
"Does it involve you not doing something stupid?"
The answer is a firm negative.
"Then he jumped into my - I mean, your - car."
"You left the keys in the ignition again, didn't you? How many stolen cars will it take for you to remember that?"
"Lots. And then KA-BOOM!"
"And what caused the ka-boom?" I ask warily.
"A bomb."
"No way. Really? A bomb?" I ask sarcastically, "Who, what, and how?"
"One of those mob guys."
"One of those mob guys," I groan, "Of course."
"While I was, um, talking to my FTA-"
"I don't want to know what that means."
"No, you probably don't," she agrees, "And so they planted the bomb while I was distracted, I guess."
I decide to switch tactics. "Is your t-shirt wet?"
Groans from around the break room.
"I'm not exactly wearing one."
I rest my head on my hands. "No comment."
"See, it wasn't a puddle of water. It was gasoline or something so when the car went ka-boom my shirt caught fire and I had to take it off and stomp it out."
"Why me. Do you at least still have eyebrows this time?"
"I don't know. I haven't checked yet. I'll let you know when you pick me up to go to dinner at my parents' tonight."
"No, wait! I am not going, Cupcake. Your mom will ask about the wedding and your grandmother will ask about the sex. I had to go last week! That means I don't have to see your family for another-"
"Seen you at five, bye!"
"Steph!"
Too late. She hung up on me. The nerve of that woman.
"Fine," I mutter, glaring at my cell phone.
"Tell Grandma Mazur I said hi."
"Somebody shoot me," I beg.
There are far too many volunteers for the job.
"So that's our Stephanie Plum,," Eddie concludes, extending a hand to the new cops. "Welcome to the force."