The One with the Bad Haircut
Scene 1-(Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast)
Chandler: (exits bedroom smiling) Mornin' folks!
Phoebe: Howdy, cowboy!
Monica: Someone's happy.
Chandler: Yes, someone just got a phone call from work.
Joey: (rising, frustrated) Who is this someone, do I know him?
Chandler: Joey… me…I got a phone call from the advertisement company.
Joey: You could have just said so.
(Long pause, everyone continues eating breakfast, Chandler is standing anxiously)
Chandler: (annoyed) Don't you want to hear what my boss told me?
Phoebe: Well after you said work, the rest was just blah, blah blah, blah blah. So, no.
Chandler: Monica, don't you want me to tell you?
Monica: Well last time you had news from work, you were moving to Tulsa, so do I want to hear it?
Chandler: Yes, it's GREAT news.
Monica: Shoot.
Chandler: I got a promotion!!!
Phoebe: Oh… look whose bringing home the bacon.
(Joey looks up from his plate)
Joey: Bacon!?! Where? (Joey sprints to the fridge and begin to raid it)
Monica: This is so exciting! How did this happen.
Chandler: I think my boss has a crush on me.
(Everyone drops what they're doing and stares at Chandler)
Chandler: Kidding!! He noticed that I was working really hard and just gave it to me, for no reason.
Phoebe: OH… Chandler you're suddenly looking extremely sexy.
Joey: Hey, I still make more than him.
(Phoebe walks over to Joey)
Phoebe: Joe, did you do something new with your hair. No, you must have grown taller.
Joey: Well I might have grown an inch or two.
(Rachel slam open the door depressed, flings open a cabinet and takes out a bottle of wine)
Monica: Little early to be drinking Rach.
(Rachel made an obnoxious noise and attempted to open the bottle of wine. Unsuccessfully, it flings open and spills all over Chandler, everyone laughs besides Rachel.)
Chandler: You know this is part of my dad's Vegas show, but he's naked and it's chocolate.
(Rachel ignores Chandler's comment and begins to chug down her drink)
Rachel: What's the matter?
Phoebe: Did Ross dump you?
Rachel: No…wait….why would you think that?
Phoebe: You're just not that hot, I mean, did you look in the mirror this morning.
Rachel: I am extremely hot and everyone wants me.
Phoebe: Sorry, but you're not my type.
(Rachel rolls her eyes)
Rachel: Anyway, you know Pierre, that gay guy who styles and cuts my hair.
Chandler: Yeah, he asked me out that one time.
Joey: You jut have that quality.
Rachel: Well he had a heart attack last night.
Monica: (worried) Oh my God, is he okay?
Rachel: No, he's dead.
All: That's just awful!
Rachel: I KNOW!! I'm scheduled from a hair appointment today, whose gonna give me a trim now.
(Ross enters excited)
Ross: You will not believe what happened at the paleontologist contention last night?
Phoebe: Hey boner boy!!!
Joey: Hey I thought I was boner boy!?!
Phoebe: No, you're burger boy.
Joey: (to Ross) Oh yeah, since I eat so many…
Ross: I get it. (Glances at the depressed Rachel) Are you okay honey?
Phoebe: Just fine, baby.
Ross: I was talking to Rachel, you look awful.
Rachel: (sarcastically) Thanks.
Monica: Pierre died.
Ross: You mean that gay guy who's in love with Chandler.
Chandler: (sarcastically) Thanks for the reminder.
Ross: Rachel, you can go to Jordan, the guy who cuts my hair, he's nice, straight, and does an amazing job.
(Phoebe bursts into hysterical laughter)
Ross: What's so funny?
Phoebe: Have you seen your hair?
Rachel: Yeah Ross, and I've been going to Pierre for like ever. I don't think I feel comfortable switching so early.
Ross: Come on Rach, I promise you'll love it.
Rachel: Fine, I'll give Jordan a try for you.
Ross: Awesome, I'll book you an appointment at 1?
Rachel: That's fine.
(Chandler looks at watch)
Chandler: Well I better get going to work? (Dancing) I got a promotion, I got a promotion!
Monica: Quality.
Chandler: (stops dancing) sorry, wish me luck.
All: Luck!
(Chandler exits)
Rachel: Well I better gets dressed; don't want to make a bad impression on my new hair stylist.
Monica: I think I'll bake a cake.
Joey: Than I think I'll eat a cake.
Phoebe: Do you think the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?
All: Definitely!
Scene 2- (Chandler enters beautiful office with boss Mr. Paterson.)
Mr. Paterson: I hope you enjoy your new office.
Chandler: It's perfect, there's a view, all the papers are sorted, where's the porn?
Mr. Paterson: Why do you think I'm here?
(Chandler bursts into laughter but it slowly fades when he realizes his boss it not laughing)
Mr. Paterson: Well good luck.
(Chandler plops down at his desk and begins writing, but Mr. Paterson is still standing observing him)
Chandler: Well, I'm going to get to work, so..
Mr. Paterson: Are you married Bingy?
Chandler: (disturbed by the nickname) Sure.
Mr. Paterson: (sprints over to Chandler's desk and sits on his lap) He doesn't' have to know.
Chandler: (Jumps out of chair) No, no, no, no, no!
Mr. Paterson: Come on, Bing, I'll let you touch wherever you want.
Chandler: (eyes are huge) No, I mean NO!!
Mr. Paterson: (approaches Chandler unbuttoning shirt) I bet I can make you change your mind, take a seat Bing.
(Shaking, Chandler sits down; Mr. Paterson begins unbolting his pants)
Chandler: I'm straight!!
Mr. Paterson: (screaming) GET OUT OF THIS BUILDING!!
Chandler: (scared out of his mind) YES SIR!!
(Chandler sprints out of room and copy boy enters)
Copy boy: I've got that report for you Mr. Paterson.
Mr. Paterson: Sit down boy.
Copy boy: (shrugs) Okay
Scene 3-(inside tacky hair parlor, Ross and Rachel are reading magazines)
Rachel: (whispering furiously) Ross, I want to ho home now!
Ross: Why? We have only been in here for 2 minutes.
Rachel: This place is beyond tacky take me home.
Ross: No.
Woman Working At Desk: Miss Rachel Green.
Ross: Go.
Rachel: No.
Ross: Go!
Rachel: NO!
Woman Working At Desk: Rachel?
Ross: She's right here!
(Rachel slaps Ross on shoulder and Jordan enters)
Jordan: Hi, I'm Jordan, welcome to J's Hair place, are you a new bee?
Rachel: (under her breath) Yes.
Jordan: What?
Rachel: yes.
Jordan: Come on, "let's have some fun, this beat is sick, I want to take a ride on your disco stick."
Ross: You guys have fun.
(Rachel mouths to Ross "I will kill you")
Jordan: Now this is my friend Mr. Scissors. Say hi Mr. Scissors? Come on Rachel, say hi?
Rachel: (embarrassed) Hi.
Jordan: Hi who?
Rachel: Mr. Scissors.
Jordan: Now I'm going to do some snippy snippy okay?
(Rachel dodged him each time he tried to cut her hair, but as she moved he accidently snipped off a huge lock of her hair)
Jordan: oppsies.
Rachel: No, no, no oppsies, tell me there is no oppsies.
Jordan: (dangling a piece of Rachel's hair in front of her) sorry.
Rachel: (hyperventilating) Oh, my, God! I think I'm gonna be sick.
(Rachel sprints out of the parlor)
Scene 4- (Inside Central Perk, Ross, Joey, and Chandler were gathered on the sofa)
Joey: So he really thought you were gay?
Chandler: He took his pants off.
Ross: Quality.
(Rachel rushed into the coffee shop with a bald spot on her head crying)
Chandler: I think Joey mowed your hair.
Joey: No, an animal attacked her.
(Rachel grabbed a newspaper and started beating him)
Rachel: My hair! MY HAIR!! NEVER TOUCH A GIRLS HAIR ROSS!!
Ross: What happened?
Rachel: What does it look like happened? HE SCREWED UP!!!!!!!
Joey: Calm down Rachel.
Rachel: Calm down? Calm down?!? (Begins beating Joey with newspaper) I'm going home, I'm never going outside again!
(Rachel runs out of Central Perk crying, awkward silence occurs)
Joey: (to Chandler) so he thought you were gay?
Scene 5- (Ross enters Monica's apartment)
Monica: Congratulations, Rachel won't talk to anyone.
Phoebe: We even made cookies.
Ross: Don't worry, I have an idea up my sleeve.
Scene 5-(Rachel is inside her room crying, there is a knock on her door)
Rachel: Go away!
Monica: Please open up.
Rachel: NO!!!!
Chandler: Please?!?
Rachel: Leave me alone.
Joey: But this is my apartment.
Rachel: fine.
(She opens the door a every ones hair has a huge bald spot like Rachel)
All: Surprise!!
Rachel: You guys didn't have to do this.
Ross: We owe it to you.
Rachel: No, they don't you do. Thanks you guys!
Phoebe: Will you come out now?
Rachel: Yes, I'll get some champagne.
(Rachel exits)
Phoebe: How much longer do we have to wear these wigs?
Ross: Just until Rachel is emotionally healed.
Joey: How long do you think that will take?
Ross: Three weeks.
All: Ugh!
THE END
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