Hi.

I'm Ren. If you don't read The Year That Never Was, you probably don't know me. The people who read that story will tell you that I am evil.

They are right.

But not on this occasion, however! This is comedy (I hope, anyway). This is to cheer myself and any The Year That Never Was readers who may have stumbled onto this story up. This isn't set in the same universe, and the stories aren't connected in any way. This one is set during series 8, and the other nations are vaguely aware of England's funny little friendship with the Doctor.

Hope you enjoy this one. No upset tears here, just fun!

Allons-y!

One

Of Circuits and Soufflés

Sometimes, just sometimes, the mature nations of the world dream of a normal World Meeting.

Actually, that sentence should be amended: sometimes they dream of a productive, different World Meeting. A meeting like that can hardly be classed as ordinary, because the norm for these nations is to mess around as much as possible. That's all the countries have ever known.

This particular meeting is in London, the sunny weather surprising pretty much everyone. England rolls his eyes whenever someone asks him why it isn't raining. This has happened forty-seven times already, three of those times by the inquisitive northern Italian who seems to have both the memory and attention span of a goldfish. England's actually keeping a list because there really is no other material to record in this pointless meeting.

Number of times someone has made an unnecessary observation regarding the weather: 47.

Number of burgers that the bloody git sitting next to me has managed to consume: 15.

Time taken to do so: 7 minutes and 46 seconds (how is that even possible?!)

Number of times the frog has tried to grope someone: 8 (less than usual... perhaps he's behaving himself today... well, one can dream).

Amount of time spent actually doing something productive in this meeting and the reason for it: 5 minutes (Germany's opening speech. He gave up pretty quickly afterwards when Prussia burst into the room with those fireworks).

People who actually paid attention during that brief moment of concentration and sanity: myself, Japan, China and Switzerland.

All in all, a fairly average meeting, then.

England sighs. What is he expecting, anyway? Nothing eventful is going to happen... unless you count Prussia smuggling the fireworks into a meeting he's not even supposed to attend...

'ENGLAND!'

Okay, that's new.

All the nations who were messing around, plus the ones who were quietly waiting for something to end this ridiculous real life comedy sketch (every single country on the planet falls into those two categories) freeze, staring at the closed door to the meeting room where they're sure the voice came from. They then all glance at England in confusion.

The small island nation glances at the door himself, portraying an unamused, bored expression, though he is feeling pretty smug inside. But a little bit annoyed. One of England's most important rules is about to be broken.

The door is flung open to reveal a tall, Scottish man with grey hair, eyebrows that are almost as prominent as England's furrowed in irritation. Next to him is a young woman with shoulder-length brown hair, grinning in amusement.

'Think this is funny, do you?' the man says, glaring at England.

England leans back in his seat, feeling a bit triumphant. 'I have no idea what you're talking about.'

'Shut up! Yes you do!'

'Alright, guys. Play nice,' the young woman, Clara Oswald, says, clearly trying to hold in the laughter.

'Hold on a second- who are you?' Germany says, voicing the question inside the heads of every nation except England.

The old man points at England. 'His worst nightmare if he doesn't fix it.'

England is now openly showing his smugness. 'Don't you understand, Doctor? I have fixed it.'

The Doctor waves his arms in frustration. 'You know what I mean! Turn it back to how it was!'

'In case you haven't noticed, I have done. Your Type 40 TARDIS should be working perfectly now.'

'Hang on- that's the Doctor?' America asks. 'The weird dude in the bowtie?'

If looks could kill, America would have been reduced to a smouldering pile of ash right there in the meeting room. The Doctor looks absolutely furious. ''Weird dude in the bowtie'?!'

England and Clara stifle their laughter carefully.

Most of the countries know who the Doctor is now. Up until recently, England had been the only one who actually knew him personally. Now most of them are aware that there is (as England puts it when he is forced to explain it) a strange, blundering idiot who is from some planet beginning with G (the other countries don't really know the specifics) and who travels through time in a weird London phone box from the 1960s (that part had to be proved to them, obviously).

America laughs, used to unfriendly personalities. At the end of the day, this angry old man is a lot like England. 'Dude, you've gotten old!'

'Don't be so stupid,' the Doctor dismisses. 'It's you lot that's all gotten older. Especially Clara.'

'Hey!' Clara exclaims. 'I'm right here,you know.'

'What seems to be the problem, exactly?' Japan asks good naturedly.

'England did some meddling in the TARDIS,' Clara snickers, earning a glare from her Time Lord companion.

'How is this funny? This is very not funny!'

'Bad English,' England chides.

'Shut it, Eyebrows!' the Doctor snaps. He's in no mood for lessons from England.

'Bit rich coming from you, isn't it?' Clara puts in, smiling like her birthday has come early.

England reaches over for his cup of tea and sips it calmly. 'You appear to be breaking one of my most important rules, Doctor. I've told you time and time again that you are not allowed to barge into a World Meeting. Or meetings in general. I'm still annoyed about the House of Lords incident.'

'Not my fault that three of the MPs were Zygons,' the Doctor says moodily.

'Bloody hell...' England mutters, internally fuming at the memory.

'Anyway, there's a particular circuit inside the TARDIS that has been broken for a long time,' Clara continues. 'England fixed it.'

'You're welcome,' England says, smirking.

'I didn't want it to be fixed!' the Doctor yells.

'Perhaps you didn't know how to fix it.'

'Of course I did, so shut it! All that I would have had to do was to try hot wiring the fragment links and superseding the binary codes. But I liked it when the chameleon circuit was broken!'

'I'm rather lost 'ere,' France says. 'Could someone please tell me what it is Anglettere as managed to mess up on?'

'I haven't messed up anything, you bloody frog!' England retorts. 'The chameleon circuit allows the TARDIS to morph into something normal-looking so that it blends in with its surroundings, no matter where it lands. It's been broken for quite some time, ever since the Doctor landed it in London in the 1960s.'

'I like it as a phone box!' the Doctor says angrily.

Clara gives a quiet chuckle. 'You like it as a snog box. And now it's even less appealing.'

England turns to her. 'This must be pretty priceless, then. Where is it and what does it look like?'

She's smiling happily. 'Near Trafalgar Square. It's a portaloo.'

England almost chokes on his next sip of tea. He's not usually one for bursting out laughing in front of the other nations but this situation is too good.

'Let me get this straight: your time machine looks like a public toilet cubicle? And you left it in the middle of London without someone guarding it? You remembered to lock it, right?'

Realisation seems to be dawning on the Doctor's face, quickly morphing into horror.

America snickers. 'You're screwed, man.'

The Doctor races to the door, then freezes and turns slowly, fixing England with an icy look. 'This is not over.'

England gives a mocking smirk, a trait that appears every so often as a remnant of his pirate days. 'Quite right, Doctor. This is just beginning.'

'So, how long have these two actually been doing this prank war?' America asks inquisitively, watching Clara skip eagerly over to the oven to see how her soufflé has come along. The meeting is over and the American nation and a few others have decided to join Clara in the kitchen of building where the gathering took place. England followed the Doctor out the room a few minutes before (because apparently he had to see the new state of the TARDIS for himself). This has left Clara to discuss the situation with a few of the other nations who are genuinely interested.

'I wouldn't really call it a prank war, but it could easily become one,' Clara says, pulling the soufflé out the oven. 'England's probably been plotting revenge ever since the Doctor got married to Queen Elizabeth I.'

France, who is standing in the kitchen doorway, eyeing Clara as if he's seriously considering flirting with her (which he probably will attempt), laughs. 'I 'ad no idea that this 'appened.'

'I was there,' Clara states, looking a little downcast as she observes the state of her badly burnt soufflé. 'Believe me, England was livid. First he was angry about the Doctor fraternising with the queen in the first place, but he completely lost it when the marriage actually took place. He's always said that the Doctor corrupted Elizabeth.' She sighs absent-mindedly and carries the failed soufflé over to the bin, looked dejected. To her surprise, America swipes it from her hands and tries eating it. To even more of her surprise, he doesn't appear to be disgusted by what he's eating.

'You like it?' Clara says, looking shocked.

America shrugs and takes a big swallow. 'I'm used to Iggy's cooking.'

'Anything and everything tastes fine in comparison,' France adds, then continues silkily, 'and might I just add, a beautiful flower such as yourself couldn't possibly produce a meal that is in any way an abomination.'

'Is that so?' Clara asks, visibly unimpressed. 'You want to try some, then?'

France's smile falters when he catches sight of the blackened soufflé. 'Ah... I 'appen to 'ave already 'ad lunch today...'

Clara rolls her eyes and turns back to America. 'England's always irritated when Daleks or Cybermen or any other aliens try attacking London. And considering London gets invaded roughly three or four times a year, exclusively at Christmas in addition, England usually ends up in a foul mood with the Doctor for not stopping the aliens sooner. The Zygon MPs annoyed him so much that he decided to enchant the chameleon circuit so that it will stay permanently fixed and apparently only magic will be able to break it again.'

'How was the incident in Parliament the Doctor's fault, aru?' China asks.

Clara grins. 'The Doctor was chasing them. The way England sees it, the Doctor drove the Zygons into the House of Lords. Plus, the TARDIS materialised in the actual room while the MPs were in discussion.'

'That must have been stressful for England-san,' Japan murmurs, sighing in exasperation as America finishes wolfing down the soufflé. 'Covering a story like that would have been difficult.'

'England's used to it,' Clara says.

'Don't you dare.'

'Oh, it's quite simple, England,' the Doctor says triumphantly, practically skipping around the TARDIS, careful not to venture too far though in case he gets the phone chord wrapped around one of the console levers.

'I had an extremely drunk man stumble into the console room and urinate all over the railings,' the Doctor continues crossly. 'So it's only fair that I repay you for this.'

'It was only over the railings!' England protests. 'It's not like he damaged any of the circuits!'

'Unlike you.'

'I fixed it!'

'Anyway,' the Doctor says loudly, wishing England were here right now to see his triumphant smirk. 'You have to admit, you deserve this one.'

'Please don't do this,' England says urgently, and the Doctor is surprised to hear that the nation is actually using a begging tone. 'Please. You know how important it is to me.'

'Here's a hint, England,' the Doctor says, grinning broadly. 'If you're going to try and beat someone at something, don't pick an opponent who has a time machine.'

'Please, Doctor! You can't do this!'

Smiling, the Doctor sets in the time and coordinates for the TARDIS and goes ahead with his mission.

Please review! It would mean a lot!

Thanks for reading, and bye!