It was just a regular day in The Woodsland Offices for Sheriff Bigby Wolf. He walked into his office and sat down on his chair, and it broke under him, but he didn't care too much.
"Old piece of shit chair was bound to break eventually," He assured himself as he simply sat cross-legged on his desk, knocking over everything on it in the process. He sat there like that for fifteen seconds before he jumped off of it and ripped open the door to his office, tearing it off of its hinges. Standing in front of him, behind where the door used to be, was Snow White.
Snow blinked.
Bigby blinked.
For a long moment, they both were silent, until Bigby calmly put the door down onto the floor.
"Bigby, Crane would like to speak to you." Snow finally announced.
"Oh, fuck me in the asshole."
"Excuse me?"
"I said, oh, tuck me in the sass pole."
"What's a sass pole?"
"Exactly." With this, Bigby pushed past Snow.
"Ruuude." She said under her breath as she followed him.
Soon enough, Bigby and Snow were standing in front of the desk of the Deputy Mayor, Ichabod Crane. Crane adjusted his glasses, as the lighting of the room was reflecting off of his lenses and thereby burning his eyeballs to shit.
"Bigby," He said, masking the pain caused by his melting eyes rather well, "I would like to speak with you."
"As I said to Snow just a second ago, oh-" Before Bigby could finish, Snow gave him a death glare so harsh that it burned off all of the hair on his left forearm.
In response to this, Bigby did nothing but pout intensely.
"Bigby... I think I'm firing you."
"Uh the whuuut?"
Crane sat there for a moment, his hands linked together, until he casually pulled a large, coffee-stained script out of his desk and flipped through it. "... Yeah, yeah. Uh, I'm firing you, Bigby."
"For what?"
"I don't know."
"Is it because I pissed on Auntie Greenleaf's tree? For shit's sake, I already said sorry for that!"
"I really did not need to know about that." Crane muttered.
"Or what, is it because I know Snow's wearing silk lingerie right now?"
Snow's eyes melted, and her face flushed. "Aaand I'm out." Just like that, she was gone; she didn't even get up and walk out, she simply vanished.
"aww snow no come back" Bigby whined, revealing his puppy eyes. The puppy eyes were so cute that Crane exploded.
Bigby proceeded to storm out of Crane's office with his hands shoved into his pockets, muttering expletives under his breath. He bumped into Gren outside the office, and the forced that fucker right through the wall with the power of wolf sass.
"Shit, I guess that's why the Sheriff never got a permanent listing." He said, snorting to himself.
As he had nothing else to do, Bigby returned to his apartment, only to find a pile of bacon - oh fuck I mean Colin - asleep on his fucking chair again!
Bigby stood in front of the pig, looking down at him as he slept. The wolf's stomach felt rather empty for the first time in a while, and he was beginning to drool a little at the thought of raw pig's meat.
"Whoa, lol, that's not in character." Bigby said, not caring about using text slang because he's cool enough to pull it off. He stepped into the middle of the apartment, pulling out his pack of Huff & Puff cigarettes, only to find the pack empty.
"Looks like I need to buy m-" His wallet was empty, as well. "well i'm fucked"
THE END
jk jk lol
Bigby stood there, subconsciously smoking an imaginary cigarette as he thought. The placebo effect wasn't working for him; he felt hungrier by the second.
"Alright." He announced, slapping his hands together loud enough to shake the entire building, but not loud enough to wake Colin. "It is time to cook."
His fridge was empty.
"Of fucking course." Bigby stared into his empty fridge for a couple long seconds before he stepped back out into the living room and again glanced at the pig in his chair. He shook his head feverishly.
"Fuck me! No, I can't eat him. He's a friend." He said, as he walked closer to the pig and picked him up with relatively no difficulty.
"I'm not going to eat him. I'm just going to take him somewhere else so that I'm not tempted." He said, as his feet took him into the kitchen.
"I can't cook him; he won't fit into the pan." He said, as he slammed Colin down onto the stove so fucking hard that the frying pan fell apart. (Colin was still asleep after this, mind you.)
"It's not murder. I'm just hungry." Bigby says, as he turns on the element, and Colin combusts.
"oh shit i forgot i can't cook fuck"
Not giving a single flying fuck about the fact that Colin was on fire (and still asleep) in his kitchen, Bigby decided it might be a good idea to eat out. You see, Colin didn't count as murder, because he wasn't even supposed to be there in the first place.
Bigby's best idea to get out of his apartment without startling any mundies was to literally throw himself through the kitchen window. Of course, since he was remarkably short, all things considered, he had thought this would work.
And it did, at least until gravity told him to go fuck himself and threw him through a different wall. He ended up in the elevator.
"lol wut" was all he could muster. When the elevator doors opened, he jolted back a bit at the fact that Snow was there.
"Oh! Bigby..." She mumbled awkwardly.
"Snow, I-..."
"Yes?"
"... I don't actually know if you're wearing silk lingerie or not."
Snow smiled, but her smile slowly faded, replaced with a look of concern. "Bigby, are you okay?"
"Why?"
"You look..."
"Hungry?"
"Yeah."
Bigby smiled, an eerie sight for Ms. Snow.
"Aaaalright, Bigby, never smile like that again. Ever." She said as she stepped into the elevator, pressing a button. The doors closed, and together they stood in silence.
Bigby couldn't help but sniff the air. "Something smells really good." He said.
Snow froze up a bit. "... What do you mean?"
Bigby tilted his head in her direction and sniffed again. "I dunno. Something just smells absolutely delicious..." He trailed off, realizing quickly that it was Snow he was smelling, and he quickly opted to stare at the elevator doors in front of him.
"I can't eat Snow." He said aloud, as if speaking the internal monologue of a character in a text-based adventure game when told 'eat snow'.
"Pardon?"
"Nothing~."
Together they stood in silence for a few minutes.
Bigby began to squirm; this elevator ride seemed to be lasting forever, and his fucking stomach was digesting itself. Snow was starting to smell so tasty, and if he didn't get out of this elevator immediately, he was going to lose control.
"Uugh." He groaned. "Fuuuck."
"Bigby...? Is everything okay?"
"I could eat a fucking cityful of people right now and not be satisfied!"
"J-Jesus, Bigby! Don't say things like that."
"I mean it! My God, my stomach is eating itself right now..."
"You want to, uh..." Snow cursed silently, her nervousness showing.
Bigby stared at her, alienated. "... Are you scared of me?"
Snow quietly shook her head.
"You're fucking scared of me, aren't you?! Great! Just fucking great!" Bigby was losing his temper, its fuse cut short by severe famine.
"No! No, I'm not scared of you, Bigby, I'm just scared of you!"
"Oh, okay." Bigby smiled, now seemingly calm.
'Phew,' Snow thought. 'Worked my way out of that one.'
Bigby started to growl a bit, as did his stomach. Clutching at his abdomen with his hands, he moaned, "FuuuuUUUUCK...!"
"Watch your mouth, Big-" And with this, Snow White was swallowed whole by Bigby Wolf.
"... Ah, dammit." Bigby complained, "I didn't save the best for last. Again. Way to go, Bigby. God, just fuck my life."
rip big bad wolf
forever ago - forever from now
"My greatest dream is a world without cats."