Disclaimer: Don't own Rookie Blue and Feel Again is property of OneRepublic.
A.N. I "blame" Rookie Blue for this one. I always loved Good Life but after hearing it on Rookie Blue (repeatedly because I watched the episodes over and over) I fell even more in love (if that is possible) with the song and started listening to all of their other songs.
Ever since I heard Feel Again on the radio, I've been listening to it over and over. Something about the song just connected to Rookie Blue...so I finally sat down to write it (this was not my original plan but I'm really pleased with how it turned out).
Enjoy!
He was tired, so incredibly exhausted. He would deny it but he was working himself into exhaustion nightly, because he knew that it was either that or drinking himself into oblivion (which was easier for his colleagues to notice and intervene).
He was walking through the mall. Sarah's birthday was coming up. Normally he bought her a present online but he had forgotten. He couldn't go to St. Catharine's empty-handed so he found himself in the mall.
They were playing some "new single" and it was the words that grabbed him right away.
It's been a long time coming since I've seen your face
I've been everywhere and back trying to replace everything that I've had till my feet went numb
Praying like a fool that's been on the run
Heart still beating but it's not working
It's like a million dollar phone that you just can't ring
I reach out trying to love but I feel nothing
Yeah, my heart is numb
It had been a long time since he saw her face. If he was honest with himself, he'd been trying to 'replace' the void of not seeing her with work. He missed her and it made his regret for his actions stronger every day.
The first few days that she was gone, his feet had literally gone numb as he tried to find out what happened to her. He was running around like a fool looking for her and for the first time in a while he had prayed. He didn't care how crazy he looked, he had to find her.
Frank put a stop to it when he realized that it was only the matter of time before Sam started calling his CI's. That could have put Andy's life in danger.
To Sam, it was like a million dollar phone that he couldn't ring. Once Frank put a stop to his search, he realized that it meant that there was a strong possibility that one of his CI's would see her. But he wouldn't jeopardize her life, not for himself.
He tried to reach out to others. Oliver was persistent that he should try to date other women. He tried reaching out but he was numb. His heart was numb and he knew that the only cure was undercover. He just hoped that she'd be able to free his heart and come back to him.
But with you
I feel again
Yeah with you
I can feel again
With her, he felt. For the first time since Sarah's attack, he had let another woman into his life. Sure, he let Noelle in partially but Jerry was the one who really knew everything. Even Oliver didn't know the full story. With Andy, he felt that he'd eventually be able to tell her the whole truth, his whole life story with all the good and bad, instead of censoring like he normally did.
Yeah
Woo-hoo (x4)
I'm feeling better since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me
If he was honest, since she took him down, he felt more alive than he ever had. He was the guy that women termed "the lonely soul," the perpetual bachelor. Andy had barreled into his life and changed all that.
It's been a long time coming since I've seen your face
And I've been everywhere and back trying to replace everything that I broke till my feet went numb
Praying like a fool just shy of a gun
Heart still beating but it's not working
It's like a hundred thousand voices that just can't sing
I reach out trying to love but I feel nothing
Oh my heart is numb
It had already been over three months since he saw her but he spent every day thinking of ways to make it up to her. He went to her apartment weekly to make sure that the person who was supposed to be taking care of the place was doing a good job. He knew that what he really needed to replace was the words that he had said, or not said. He needed to reassure her until she listened that he was in it for the long haul and that he really wasn't going to give up without a fight.
The line of 'praying like a fool just shy of a gun' brought a bitter smile to his face. When he had told her that he loved her, it was at the most inappropriate time. He was like those idiots who shot a gun and then begged him, the officer, that it was just an accident. In fact, he was worse than those idiots, because he knew what he was doing. Ever since he left her in the parking lot after Jerry died, it was like his heart was beating but not working. He felt like he had hundreds of thousands of voices in his head telling him that he was an idiot; that he needed to go after her, but he was so numb.
The one time he tried to reach out for her, he realized just how numb he was. Instead of asking her if they could talk, he asked for the keys back. He knew that he was reeling from the loss of Jerry but he needed her to help him get rid of the numb feeling in his heart.
But with you
I feel again
And with you
I can feel again
With her, he started to feel again. As much as he knew it was inappropriate, he felt his numbness start to fade when she whispered his name after he told her that he loved her. He saw the emotion in her eyes, even as she swallowed hard and whispered, "I'm holding a bomb," with her voice cracking at the end.
But with you
(I'm feeling better since you know me)
I feel again
(I was a lonely soul but that's the old me)
Yeah with you
(I'm feeling better since you know me)
I can feel again
(I was a lonely soul)
Woo-hooo
Woo-hooo (x4)
With her, he finally felt again. The fact that she allowed him to talk to her after, in the locker room, gave him some hope that he still had a chance. He was starting to feel again, he was starting to let his emotions go beyond the wall he had built up around himself after Sarah's attack.
I'm feeling better since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me
A little wiser now but you show me
Yeah, I feel again
Feel again...
He was feeling better, even just listening to the song. He knew that he had to put it into word what he felt, but he knew that he would have the courage to do what he needed to do. He had to tell her that she made him complete. He had to tell her that she changed him from a lonely soul to a person who dreamed about having a family. Their rocky breakup made him wiser, thanks to her and how she showed persistence, calling him even as she told people that she was okay and over him. She wasn't giving up on him so he wasn't going to give up on her. She was the balm and healing of the old wounds that he had just been using tape to barely hold together. She helped him feel again and as soon as she got back, he was going to prove to her that he could feel again and he would do anything to get her back.
A.N. The website that I got the lyrics off of had some mistakes - I think I caught them all but it did screw a little bit with one paragraph once I caught it - if any other lyrics are wrong, please let me know so I can fix them.
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