The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters or movies or anything else is off doing some madcap shenanigans. Just some madness that popped into my head after the events of The Figgis Agency On The Town. And watching a certain old movie this weekend.
The Morons Who Came For Drinks
"Ray, what the hell did you idiots do now?" Lana barked into the phone. She had found a secluded spot in a coffee shop in Berkley. "Don't play innocent with me. I saw you idiots on TV!"
Lana paused. "Well for starters when a T-Shirt cannon runs amok and knocks out several people including the pitcher, it makes the news! As does an indoor ride going berserk, an axe throwing bar getting shut down and last…But not least…Cheryl dancing like a drunken idiot hopped up on tiger tranquilizers while she has a lemur attack a newscaster!"
"Oh," Ray winced. He was sitting in his office. "You saw that."
"I've only been gone for three days!" Lana groaned. "And in that time, you idiots managed to turn LA into a demolition derby!"
"To be fair," Ray paused. "We were good the first two days. Did a puzzle and watched some movies."
"What happened?" Lana asked.
"We finished the puzzle," Ray admitted. "Then Cheryl said she had box seats at Dodgers Stadium…"
"Never mind," Lana groaned. "I think I want to be surprised at the trial. Where's Cyril?"
"Hiding somewhere," Ray admitted. "Doing a puzzle."
"Pam?"
"She's nursing a hangover," Ray shrugged. "After we ditched Cheryl at the zoo, she kind of went on a small binge. Last I saw of her she and Krieger ran off to a strip club. At least I think it was a strip club…"
"This is the second time I had to pretend I didn't know who you people were," Lana said. "If my parents found out about half the shenanigans that our office gets into…"
"Relax," Ray said. "Cheryl's lawyers took care of most of what happened at the stadium and the zoo. We just got banned. Nobody knows it was us for sure at the bar or amusement park. And apparently Cheryl had a note inside her pockets saying, Hello! My name is Cheryl/Carol Tunt. If found unconscious, please call the Figgis Agency at…And it had our number…"
"That's reassuring," Lana quipped. "The cops having our number. If my mother finds out about the things we've done, my number is up! They're still mad about me not telling them I was a spy."
Ray asked. "Did you explain to them that technically, not telling people you are a spy is part of the job?"
"Let's just say I'm on mild probation for lying. I had to sneak out of the house as it was to make this call," Lana grumbled. "I made up some cock and bull story about checking out job employment opportunities in the area. Which honestly, is looking like a good idea every day!"
"Look," Ray said. "Cheryl's lawyers and company covered up most of the damage and paid both the zoo and Dodgers stadium off. The cops can't prove the other stuff anyway. Cyril paid the bail. So there's no problem."
"Oh really?" Lana barked. "What do you think Mallory is going to do when she hears about this?"
"I don't think that's going to be a problem," Ray sighed. "Guess who else was in the drunk tank when we went to pick up Cheryl?"
"Don't tell me," Lana winced. "How drunk was she?"
"Pretty drunk," Ray said. "Even for her. Apparently, there's this new bar at the end of the street the hospital is on. Which by the way, Ms. Archer is now banned from."
"What did she do?" Lana groaned.
"Drank nearly a full bottle of absinthe," Ray explained. "Then she pulls out her gun and challenges every guy in the place to a game of Russian Roulette. While calling them out using almost every racial slur in the book. And a few that no one had ever heard of."
"Oh God…" Lana groaned. "No wonder Cyril didn't want to talk to me."
"The good news is we managed to get the charges dropped," Ray said. "Provided she never goes back to that bar. The better news is we'll tell her that the Irish bartender overcharged her for a Tom Collins so she won't want to go back."
"What's the bad news?" Lana asked.
"Cheryl had a few tiger tranquilizers left over," Ray admitted. "And she gave one to Ms. Archer…"
"Meaning they're both passed out now," Lana guessed.
"Not exactly," Ray winced. "They're kind of…Well…"
"What?"
"They are at a new, weird level of stoned," Ray sighed.
"What level?" Lana asked. "How weird are we talking about?"
"Have you ever seen The Man Who Came To Dinner?" Ray sighed.
"Yes," Lana said.
"Well…" Ray turned on his phone camera when he heard a commotion.
"Did you ever have the feeling where you wanted to go?" Mallory danced by.
"And then you had the feeling that you wanted to stay?" Cheryl danced by singing.
"It's tough to have the feeling that you wanted to go!" Malloy danced in step with Cheryl.
"Still have the feeling that you wanted to stay!" Cheryl danced.
"I'll go!" Mallory sang.
"I'll stay!" Cheryl sang as they danced around.
"I'll go!"
"I'll stay!" Cheryl sang as they danced out of sight.
"I wish they'd both go," Ray sighed.
"So, they're Jimmy Durante drunk?" Lana was stunned. "How is that possible?"
"Krieger thinks it's an odd combination of alcohol, the tiger tranquilizers and their own body chemistry," Ray sighed. "He said it will wear off in a few hours and they won't remember a thing."
"Hot cha cha! Hot cha cha!" Mallory and Cheryl danced by in sync. "Hot cha cha!"
"It's become a production of The Morons Who Came For Drinks," Ray groaned. "And I'm afraid that's not the worst of it."
"It gets worse than that?" Lana was stunned.
"Remember I said earlier that Pam was nursing a hangover?" Ray paused as raucous laughter filled the air. "I didn't say how."
"One two three la conga!" Pam danced by tipsily in a conga line with some scantily clad female strippers. "One two three la conga!"
"And with whom," Ray sighed as he showed Lana with his phone.
"One two three la conga! One two three la conga!" Krieger danced by in the conga line.
"Whoopie!" Cyril was also in the conga line, obviously slightly drunk.
"Oh, I think Cyril finished the puzzle," Ray said calmly.
"The real puzzle is how Cyril ever passed the bar," Lana groaned. "Since he clearly can't pass any other ones. Is there anything else I should know? I ask knowing that I'm probably better off if I don't."
"There's one more thing," Ray sighed. "Remember Adal? Krieger's clone that works for the department of animal control?"
"Yes…"
"WEEEEENNK! WEEEENK!"
"He sent Krieger a present," Ray sighed as two penguins waddled across the hallway. He took a picture of them.
"Why…?" Lana gasped as she saw the picture.
"I don't know," Ray sighed. "And I don't want to know!"
"OW!" Cyril shouted. "Krieger your damn penguins won't stop pecking me!"
"They're kissing you with their beaks," Krieger said.
"You may not want to come back here for a few days," Ray winced.
"I may not want to come back at all," Lana groaned. "I'm going to go get a newspaper and look at the want ads."
"See if there's anything for me while you're at it," Ray groaned.