"By the way, where's Meg?" Castiel asked on his way out the door for more food. He was still getting used to this human thing. He was always so hungry. He didn't notice the way Sam's head shot up from his computer, or the way dean stood up, quickly and then stopped himself. The way the brothers looked at each other, as if silently arguing in their minds.
"Uhh, Cas," Dean spoke, carefully, "Meg's gone." dean took a step towards Cas, unsure of his reaction.
The smile slid from Cas' face. He looked up at Dean positioned awkwardly in the middle of the room. Dean's arms seemed to reach toward him cautiously, as if he were to attack, or collapse in front of them. Dean's face was harder to read. His expression the usual, stony face he had come to accept, but his emerald eyes were shining. He didn't understand
"Gone as in..." asked a confused Castiel.
Dean sighed, and took another step towards him before looking back at Sam, who seemed determined to not look up from his computer again. he turned back to Cas.
"Dead. She's dead. Died saving us. And you." Dean quickly dropped his gaze.
"Her unicorn," Sam murmured from the background, but Cas didn't hear. His eyes grew wide then furrowed together as he crumpled to the floor. he heaved several ragged breaths, causing Sam to look up from the computer and Dean to make another cautious step towards him.
"This feeling, I don't... I don't... understand it. I've never... had it before. My eyes, they're wet. Why are they wet. And, and, ugh, my chest, why is it burning, WHY IS THERE WATER ON MY FACE!?"
"Cas..." dean spoke in a low voice, "you're crying."
"Crying...crying. I don't understand. Why would humans choose to feel this way. Why what... what is this pain. I've... never...I've...what is this pain..." Cas gripped his chest and struggled, tears streaming down his face. "I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I...don't...understand..." His screams faded into sobs that wracked his entire body. Dean came to sit beside him. Wrapped his arms around him, and closed his eyes. he could feel Cas' ragged breaths on his chest, feel the tears soaking into his shirt.
Of all the things Angel Cas had been, Dean had never appreciated his ability to not feel. To not know the pain of losing someone, sure the memories hurt, but to have the emotion was a completely different feeling. And now, sitting with Human Cas on the floor of the bunker, sobs ripping the air, Dean wished he could have Angel Cas back for that one reason. To not feel. Dean had accepted a long time ago that he couldn't protect the people he loved from hurt. He never thought he'd have to protect Cas. And he could deal, with fighting. Fighting monsters, fighting demons, fighting himself, his life, his choices. But he couldn't fight away the pain or the sorrow. And sitting there on the floor, whispering "It's okay. It's gonna be okay," he felt less like the experienced hunter, and more like the four year old boy who ran out of a burning house, clutching his brother, and saying those exact same words, just because he didn't understand.
He was brought back from his thought by another cry of anguish from Cas. He opened his eyes to find that tears were also present on his own face. He also noticed Sam, sitting on the other side of Cas, his long arms wrapping around his body to rest on Deans arms. his eyes were also closed, but tears were steadily slipping through. he almost laughed when he thought about what Meg would say if she could see them now. Crying on the floor for her, a bunch of babies. He almost smiled before Cas' childlike voice brought him back to reality.
"What" Cas gasped," What is the feeling?" Dean could feel Sam's arms tighten around Cas, and did the same. He closed his eyes for a second, and it all came back. The burning house, the abuse, Sam going missing, Sam leaving, his brother's screams, Jess dying, hunting Azazel, His Dad dying, everything. Every single thing that led to them sitting on the floor on the bunker, clutching each other like children. Ironic, thought Dean, since none of them had ever really been children.
"It's love," he chokes out, and feels Sam arms tightened even more around Cas and his own.
"It's love," Sam echoes through his own tears. Remembering too, first seeing his mother, really seeing, in his old house, Jess dying, his dad, Ruby, Lilith and the legions of monsters determined to tear their fragile family apart.
"Love," murmurs Cas, tears still sliding down his face, "I've heard of love. I thought it was supposed to be beautiful. I thought it was supposed to be joyous. But this... this is painful. This is horrible. Does love always hurt this much?" Dean smiled despite the situation, glancing at Sam.
"Love...Is a finicky little bastard. It's joy one minute and pain the next. And it hurts, yeah, oh man, it hurts. But sometimes, just for a second..." Dean trails off, flashing back to fireworks on the fourth of July, Sam laughing, singing along the crappy music coming out of the stereo of the Impala.
"Dean?" he looks up at Sam, his Sammy, with tears in his eyes, and he knows that they are remembering all of the same things. Childhood, hunting, finding each other again, learning to trust each other again...
He shakes out of his revere, and looks down at Cas. Curled up, staring at Dean with the wide confused eyes of a child, a person not accustomed to the harsh world. Tears were still pooled in his eyes, threatening to spill over as he gazed at Dean with a longing, need for information, to know why this seemingly beautiful emotion had the power to cause so much pain.
"Sometimes," his voice raspy, "Just for a second, it's the best feeling in the world."