I don't own it. There would be significantly less Batman in the series if I did.
Summary: Dr. Cates decides that Jervis Tetch's office needs to be more professional. To this end, she hires him a secretary. Unfortunately, nobody tells him. This is Alice Pleasance's first day at Wayne Enterprises. AlicexJervis
Alice was perhaps not the most observant of girls—came from always being off in her own little world, supposedly—and her women's intuition wasn't much to speak of, but she did have a certain sixth sense about some things, and right now it was warning her rather loudly that a long and trying road lay ahead. Here was the evidence:
One (1) "new" desk with three (3) drawers, covered and stuffed with massive quantities of clutter: ancient memos, record books, manila folders, stacks upon stacks of messy papers, pens, and notepads, and the oldest, dustiest typewriter she had ever seen. (Check.)
One (1) aggressive, authoritarian, stiff-backed supervisor giving her a look to scare Medusa. (Check.)
One (1) absentee employer of indiscriminate gender; "a slacker and a recluse," courtesy of the supervisor. (Check.)
Seven (7) hours left in the day to turn her and her employer's sections of the office into a lean, mean, organized machine up to the discriminating standards of the supervisor "so that some real work can be done"; again, courtesy of the supervisor. (Check.)
No (0) tea bags in the kitchen. (Check.)
No (0) tea. (Check.)
This was going to be a challenge. (Check.)
After Dr. Cates, Alice's new supervisor, left the room, presumably to go attack a small village, Alice explored her new office a bit. Certainly, this wasn't her first secretarial position, but it was the first where she was all alone. She had mostly been a member of a typing pool and an assistant secretary. Now, in her new position at Wayne Enterprises, she was in the big leagues.
Dr. Cates had referred to Alice's employer as someone named "Tetch." The manner in which the name was said suggested that this Tetch was a male, but Alice couldn't be sure.
Placing her purse on her desk chair (the only clutter-free surface in the room), Alice wandered over to a door down the hall. Upon trying the handle, she found it locked. Knocking yielded no response, so Alice returned to her desk with a frown.
"Maybe he comes in late," she murmured, and opened up the filing cabinets. Discovering that their contents resembled nothing so much as the nesting materials for birds, Alice sighed, shed her sweater, rolled up her sleeves, and began to sort all of the mess in the room into piles on the floor. Maybe she'd find the supply closet and some cleaning supplies later.
Once ensconced deep within his private office, neither raging fire nor atomic bomb could rouse Jervis Tetch. A raging Marsha Cates could do it, but she was a weapon Beyond Man's Comprehension and did not count.
Right now, his primary focus was on dissecting the marvelously well-preserved ape brain before him. Until he could get his hands on a human brain, this would have to do for his preliminary work. The idea for this proposal had always been a fantasy of his, seemingly unattainable until total miniaturization and nanotechnology become feasible. Now that he had the tools, he could attempt to reach that most tantamount of goals: creating a device so delicate, so powerful, so highly advanced as to be capable of opening another's mind to one and vice versa—to be capable of anticipating and influencing another's thoughts.
Oh, he very well understood the temptations of such power. He must be very careful not to let such a device fall into the wrong hands. But think of the potential! No more language barriers, no more misunderstanding, no more debates or fighting over trivialities! No more shameful secrets or lingering questions.
But, of course, it was just a dream, now.
He hadn't made a comprehensive study of the brain since before getting his degree. These past years had been spent developing tools for the purposes of creating nanotechnology. He had to re-familiarize himself with the physiology and medical implications, as well at the electrical impulses and synapses, at the very barest least, for the purposes of a preliminary outline. The research interval would be a long and lonely time, months and months spent in solitude, studying and building, before even being able to experiment. He was looking at literally years of research and development before he could even hope to perform an experiment on a live subject.
And until he could convince Dr. Cates of the need for and value of more materials, the best he could do was an ape brain.
'Oh well,' he thought. 'All in the name of science. "A grin without a cat," for the moment.'
It wasn't like he was giving up a sparkling social life for his work, anyway. Or indeed, any social life. In fact, this proposal would actually rescue him from the future: years and years' worth of excuses to evade blank looks and disinterested conversationalists at Christmas parties and conferences, a ticket out of the awkward social situations that reminded him horribly of his life in high school. A nightmare was nimbly avoided by advancing a noble purpose. Life was good.
Not how he imagined it, but good.
Pathetically lonely, but—
Hm. Perhaps it was best not to dwell on it.
As his eyes lingered on a medical diagram of the brain and a plastic-gloved hand delicately wielded a probe, poking the Wernicke's Area gently, Jervis reached out his other hand toward the direction of his tea cup. If this were a shared lab, he's be poached for thinking of having a beverage near a counter. It really paid off to be a neglected expert in an obscure subject, sometimes. He vaguely remembered Dr. Cates referring to his preferential, self-imposed isolation as "grossly unprofessional" and threatening to change the situation to match the offices of the less specialized disciplines. Luckily, she appeared to have forgotten about it, because he remained alone in his lab and office space until this very day. He had no desire to stumble over other individuals and be forced to make idle chit chat with those that couldn't care less.
So there.
Wrapping two fingers around the cup's handle, Jervis brought the cup to his mouth, only to find it empty. Abandoning the brain and putting down the probe, he advanced upon the teapot on his desk.
To his annoyance, he found it to be empty as well.
The only thing for it was to go to the kitchenette and boil up more. That brain wasn't going anywhere.
Alice may not have known who was responsible for the mess, but whoever it was, was going to get a piece of her mind. If and when he decided to show up, that is.
The locked door had remained as silent as a tomb since she knocked. It was now half-noon, three hours after Dr. Cates left her at her desk. Alice had finally cleared off the desk and cleaned out the drawers and filing cabinets, which, aside from massive amounts of papers dating from 1972-1983, also contained a grand total of $38.14 in change, three golf balls, and a copy of "Jester Romances: The Trillionaire Pirate's Bluestockinged Virgin."
All of these treasures and more reclined in stacks on the floor, stretching out from Alice's desk space over to the locked door. Now all that remained was to create some semblance of order, establish an organization system, and cram everything back into its place.
She felt like crawling under her desk and curling up in a ball.
Instead, she sat cross-legged on the floor with a stack of folders and a Sharpie marker, fanning her slightly-sweaty face with a memo from five weeks ago, addressed to Jervis Tetch (at last, a name and a gender!), informing him that a secretary had been selected for him and would be arriving today.
There was no evidence that the memo had been received, but she tried not to let it bother her. After all, it did make an excellent fan.
Alice undid the second button of her shirt and sighed as she finished labeling the first cabinet's worth of hanging folders. She hadn't been expected this at all when she took the job. No employer, no coworkers, just an empty little office stuffed full of useless garbage that was hers to clean out. This was shaping up to be a disappointing, dull first day, and she was losing morale, fast. Distracted as she was, it was a miracle she caught the teapot.
It was only by twisting his knee in a way that was probably physically unsound that Jervis had been able to avoid firmly planting himself in the carpet when he began toward the kitchen. He'd been examining a strange chip in the side of his teapot when a lurking jumble of papers made a jump for his ankles and he'd wobbled, yelping, into an impressive leap of his own in an attempt to clear it. Meanwhile, the teapot ejected itself from his hand and proceeded in a graceful downward arc into oblivion. At least, it seemed to be oblivion.
He thought for a moment that his luck had turned and he was headed for a safe reentry when a loose paper appeared under the toe of his shoe and gravity conspired with the floor to bring him to an abrupt halt. The area around his right shoulder blade took the brunt of the blow and the rest of him followed soon after, scattering still more paper hither and yon.
"Unhhh," Jervis said in his dissent against the decision of the greater forces of physics, eyes shut. This was not a good day for him.
"Oh my gosh!" a new voice said. "Are you all right?"
Jervis opened his eyes and, gaping at the sight that greeted him, nearly swallowed his tongue.
He came to the conclusion that the fall had somehow killed him, because an angel was sitting cross-legged on the floor beside him, holding his teapot in one hand as the other hovered above his cheek. A curtain of gorgeous blonde hair hung over one delicate shoulder and her spectacular blue eyes were gazing right at him, wide with surprise and concern. Her pink mouth was parted, her cheeks flushed, and her clothes in a lovely state of slight dishevelment. She smelled of violets and her hand was warm and soft as it brushed his cheek.
Well, he wasn't sure what he did to deserve this, but he hoped nobody tried to resuscitate him.
And then pain sparked through his back and he was forced to reassess his theory on the grounds that breathing hurt. This fact, then, necessitated the reinstallation of the paradigm that he was still alive.
The angel didn't fade, however.
'Oh, jabberwock.'
"Can you speak?" she asked, putting the teapot aside and holding up her hand. "Your pupils are dilated. Here, follow my finger."
"Gnyah!" he said, rather eloquently. Jervis tried to scoot away a bit, so as not to make an even larger fool of himself. All he had to do was open his mouth, apologize, and quickly leave; he could still come out of this looking half-normal. "Abh, eh, q—quite un…ehm, you needn't…well, I…I…" What could he say? He had the gift of gab.
"Calm down!" the woman said, holding her hand to his face. He jerked and tried to sit up, but his head swam and he started to go back down. The woman prevented another slam by supporting his back and easing him down. "Relax, relax. Just sit still for a minute. Just sit still…" She had started a very distracting caress across his forehead, trying to soothe him like one would an over-anxious horse. They stayed there for a short while.
He lay very still, screwed his eyes closed, and tried not to think about her hand on his face. He wished she'd stop touching him. He wished he could stop Time right now ("he won't do a thing I ask") and live with this gentle, beautiful stranger's hand on his forehead for all eternity, without the inevitable embarrassing aftermath. Mostly, he wished he had shaved earlier that morning. This was not a good first impression. What a horrible day.
"Okay. Open your eyes for me?" she asked in a soft voice. He did as she asked and was rewarded with those same fantastic eyes looking at him. "All right, they look a little better. Follow my finger." She slowly moved a hand back and forth, up and down in the air, and he followed obediently.
"Good," she said, sounding relieved. "It doesn't look like a concussion. Is your back all right?"
"Er, uhm." 'Come on Tetch, use English!' "A-a bit, eh, sting-y," 'Sting-y? Sting-y?' "…actually, just now."
"Can I get you anything? An icepack?"
"No!" Actually, that sounded marvelous. But what if she disappeared, never to be seen again? "J-just a few more hours—Imeanmoments!—and I'm sure I'll be…fine?"
"Oh. All right," she said, finally removing her hand. He could've whimpered. "May I ask who you are?"
'I'm "in love",' he thought. He clamped his teeth around the words. "I'm Jervis Tetch. Ma'am. Miss. Er."
"Oh!" Recognition dawned. "Mr. Tetch!"
"Yes?" She knew of him? How?
"I'm Alice Pleasance. Your new secretary." She handed him a memo.
This might've been the best day he'd ever had.
Jervis Tetch was a very strange man, Alice decided. Strange, but rather…sweet, really. Like a puppy with feet too big for its body.
She'd managed to get him on his feet and lead him into the kitchen, one of arms draped over her shoulders for support. He hadn't liked the idea at first, but she had insisted, and had him ensconced at a chair in no time. She'd also given him an ice pack, which he accepted gratefully despite his earlier protest.
The microwave was now humming away, two coffee cups full of hot water spinning on the interior plate. Jervis had produced a pair of teabags from his breast pocket (apparently, he was the floor's sole tea-drinker and had a box in his office) and Alice was rebuttoning her shirt and rolling down her sleeves in an attempt to make a better second impression on him than her first.
'Exposing yourself in front of your boss. Very professional, Alice,' she thought, sighing.
There was a pregnant pause once both cups were steeping on the table.
"Cream?"
"Excuse me?" Alice jerked to attention.
"Cream, Ms. Pleasance? Sugar?" Jervis repeated.
"Oh, let me just get some…"
"Oh, no, I only meant…allow me…"
"Please sit down, Mr. Tetch," she said. "You should relax some more. That fall looked like it hurt." Alice didn't give him a chance to object, but leapt to her feet and clicked over to the refrigerator to acquire the dairy product in question. She plucked two spoons from a drawer and the sugar bowl from the coffee machine. "Here we are."
"Very kind," her employer murmuring, a little red-faced. He made no move to add either to his cup, but Alice threw in a little cream.
Another pause hung between them.
"So when did--"
"Where did--"
They both stopped. Stared at each other, then down at their teas.
Finally, Jervis spoke. "So, when did you begin, Ms. Pleasance? I apologize for not having been there."
"Don't worry," Alice said. "I was brought in just this morning, around nine. Dr. Cates showed me in."
"Mm. And what were you doing in the…hallway?"
"Dr. Cates told me my task was to clean up and organize the office. But I was really waiting for you to turn up and tell me exactly what I should be doing."
Tetch gave her a sheepish smile. "I'm afraid I'm not terribly sure myself. I hadn't any idea she'd hired you until I rather gracelessly threw myself at your feet."
Alice giggled slightly at this and smiled at him. "Well, until you make up a purpose for me, I'll just continue to do that, shall I?"
"'No fish goes anywhere without a porpoise,'" he murmured, almost to himself.
"What?" Alice asked, charmed. "Did you say 'no fish goes anywhere without a porpoise'?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. It's from Alice in Wonderland. A bad habit, I'm afraid," Jervis said, embarrassed. Alice quickly picked up on a new topic for conversation.
"You're an Alice in Wonderland fan? I've heard that it's great, but I've never read it myself…" Smiling to herself, it did not escape Alice that Jervis perked up considerably. There was a new confidence about him; clearly she had found a soft spot.
"It's quite my favorite. It's not at all just for children; in fact, I rather imagine little ones would be a bit frightened by it! But there's such genius behind all of the words…"
Alice sipped her tea, a little surprised to find herself fascinated by his comments. He really did have such a love of the topic. Well, she could relate, a book lover herself.
They were each on their third cup of tea when Alice, in mid-laugh, glanced over at the clock above the door.
It was three o'clock.
"Oh no!" she said in dismay, leaping out of her seat and checking her wristwatch. Sure enough, it was three o'clock.
"Ms. Pleasance?" Jervis said, rather surprised by this outburst. Alice paused at the door long enough to glance back at him.
"Dr. Cates told me she'd be back at four o'clock to see how I've cleared everything up! I'm late!" she bolted down the hallway to her desk, pulling open the filing cabinet. As Jervis came around the hall, his mug and hers in his hands, Alice continued, "She wanted me to have my station and your lab organized by close of hours!"
"Well, that's quite unreasonable of her. You mustn't fret, dear Ms. Pleasance, surely we can think of something."
"You can talk to her?" Alice paused, looking at him with awe. Dr. Cates seemed rather too forceful to take the word of anyone other than, oh, Bruce Wayne himself!
"Er. No, not really," Jervis deflated slightly. "Well, is there something I can do to help?"
"What does your office look like?" Alice asked, lifting a large pile of papers onto her desk and rapidly filing them into the cabinet.
"Oh, there're only a few things in there, mostly on my desk. Surely that will be all right."
"Thank goodness." If he kept his lab the same way her section had been kept, she would've been dead. "Well, Mr. Tetch, if you don't mind, you could hand me up the stacks of paper on the floor. I'd be happy to have some good company."
A sweet, slightly goofy grin spread across his face. "It would be a pleasure, Ms. Pleasance. And please, call me Jervis."
"Then I'll just be Alice."
Marsha Cates was not in a mood to be toyed with. All she wanted was to go home at the end of a long, tense day, but she had to visit her least favorite scientist first. Tetch was, to her, an unproductive burden to the rest of the company. He hadn't produced anything to show his work on his new proposal; Mr. Wayne had seemed interested in the idea when it was mentioned at the last funding meeting, but since then Tetch hadn't done a thing.
Marsha relied on results to keep her job, and Tetch failed to supply them all to frequently.
She hoped that the new girl was enough to get him into gear. Alice seemed competent, if pretty to the point of being distracting. One could only hope that something decent would be produced out of this.
At the very least, Marsha wouldn't have to scream every time she wanted to see him.
Alice stood as straight as she could, her hands behind her back and her fingers crossed. She was alone with Dr. Cates now, as Jervis had high-tailed it back into his office when the supervisor's footsteps became audible on the tile.
Dr. Cates ran a finger across the top of the desk, inspecting it for dust. She'd already been through the filing cabinets and the desk drawers, and all seemed to be going well.
"Not bad, Alice." Alice's shoulders slumped in relief. "And have you met Tetch yet?"
"Yes, ma'am. Mr. Tetch and I have established communication and he's going to give me an over-arcing organizing assignment he's had in the works for some time now." Although this wasn't entirely a truth, it wasn't a lie; Alice had offered to type up the man's notes, which were scrawled out in a cramped hand on bits of paper, tissue, and napkins. "And I've been able to engage him in a steady and productive rapport based on his proposal, helping him find any loopholes." Also a half-truth. Jervis had been delighted to talk about the project, and cheerfully explained all of the aspects of it Alice didn't understand, which was rather all of it.
"Very impressive, Alice," Marsha Cates nodded. She liked this girl already. "Keep up the good work." The doctor jerked a thumb at the door. "Is he in?"
"I don't believe so, ma'am. He said he'd be right back, if you'd like to wait…"
"No, don't bother," Cates said, briskly, flapping a hand. "Just tell him I want a report on his research on Friday morning."
"I'll tell him right away, ma'am," Alice smiled. She wondered if Jervis was listening through his door. "May I help you with anything else, Dr. Cates?"
"Just hold down the fort and keep him busy, Alice. Not a bad first day." And Dr. Cates spun on her heels and click-clacked down the hall as rapidly as she had come.
Once the woman was out of earshot, Alice wiggled in a silent victory dance. She skipped over to her employer's door and knocked loudly. He was there in seconds.
"She's gone!" Alice was flushed with success. If she read Dr. Cates right, such praise as she received was rare.
"And you still have your head! Congratulations!" Alice put a hand to the door and Jervis took some quick steps back.
"May I come in? I don't think I've seen the inside of this place yet."
"O-of course. Come in, come in." He held the door wider and Alice gasped.
The massive bookshelf-cum-desk at the side of the room was stuffed to bursting with papers, pens, small mechanical parts, scientific equipment, tea cups, tea wrappers, and at least four different types of unidentifiable 'stuff.' The armchair beside the desk held a massive stack of books, a set of test-tubes perch precariously on top. Compared to this, her desk had been positively spotless. She felt her knees tremble.
"Well, I suppose I know where I'll be, tomorrow," she said with a sigh. Tilting her head, Alice slanted a glance at Jervis. "'Only a few things,' you said?"
The scientist smiled sheepishly. "'When I use a word, it means just what I chose it to mean—neither more nor less.'"
"It's just as well to quote Carroll at me, Jervis," Alice replied with a smile of her own as she made her way to the door. "You'll be talking out of the other side of your face when you have to deal with me underfoot all tomorrow."
"It will be a distinct pleasure," replied Tetch.
"And please leave the door open." Alice meandered down the hall to her desk, where her handbag and sweater waited for her.
"If I must."
"You must." Alice shrugged into her sweater and smiled. "Good night, Jervis, until tomorrow."
"Good night, my dear." The secretary headed out of the office and towards the lobby. Jervis watched her until she was out of sight, and sighed happily.
"This could be the beginning of a frabjous relationship."
A/N: Not much to say. I kind of borrowed Vytina's idea of a bad first impression between Alice and Jervis, but I hope a gave it a different twist.
Also, I just want to point out that I do not consider Jervis to be in love at this point. A crush, definitely. But I tend to think that he geniunely likes Alice beyond just the fact that she's lovely; I think he finds her fascinating in addition to her exterior and her name. Plus, she's actually interested in him. That's gotta count for a lot, too.
This is probably going to inflate into a series of oneshots, or something of the kind. There's literally years of material for these two, so anticipate more from that time frame. I might also shove other, unconnected things here as well, so keep a weather eye.