a/n: this is a longer and more detailed version of what happened before during and after chapter 19 of my drabble story. Please review and let me know if there are any other drabbles I should expand on! It's Sam's pov!
ihateyou
The day of graduation, I slept in until the last possible second while the sun beat down on me from the open window. The weatherman predicted rain but it seemed like an impossible prediction with this sun that kept me awake. When Carly threatened to dump a bucket of water on me if I didn't get up, I jumped up and into the shower.
With nerves fluttering in my stomach for no good reason, I dressed in my graduation dress. Last week, Carly and I had gone shopping for the dresses and the accessories that went with them. Hers was a simple white sundress while mine was a strapless black dress with a purple and white pattern. I wore a jean jacket over my dress in preparation for the rain that I doubted would ever come and hooked the necklace Freddie had given me around my neck. It matched the earrings I had purposely bought to match it. My hair fell down my back curly as always but today I unsuccessfully attempted to make them look neater than usual.
**
As the clocked ticked closer to the time of the ceremony, I knocked once on the Bensons' door and then let myself in. Ms. B was in her spotless and germ free living room with a suitcase, packed neatly. As I placed my graduation robe and purse on the couch I smiled to myself, thinking of the single's cruise that Freddie had gotten her for her birthday. She'd been hesitant at first but Spencer and Amanda promised to keep an eye on Freddie and the cruise left the evening of Freddie's graduation. It was just three months away from when Freddie was going to live at college and she would be alone in the apartment. Loneliness became a reality and she decided to give it a shot. Freddie wanted to see his mother happy and with someone hence the gift but it was also a gift for himself. He would have the apartment to himself for the week.
"Hey Ms. B!" I said to her, interrupting her as she stuffed her large first aid kit into the suitcase.
"Hello, Sam!" she said. She smiled at me. It was a different reaction from how she disapproved of me just three years ago. It was Freddie's fault. If he hadn't been late coming home from AV club then I wouldn't have had to wait for him in his miserable living room with "Crazy". She made polite conversation with me about school and cleaned because she was uncomfortable. I made a remark about Freddie never being on time and she agreed with me. She told me about how he was two weeks later after his due date and then went into a longer story about how long it took him to reach puberty (a story which I enjoyed and used to make fun of him later). It was some sort of weird bonding that happened that afternoon. I'd discovered that Crazy wasn't so crazy and Ms. B was actually alright (when you got passed her freaky fear of germs) while she decided that I wasn't that bad of an influence on her son.
"Need help?" I asked as I watched her struggle with closing her suitcase over the giant first aid kit.
"Please," she said. I jumped on top of the suitcase and we tried to get the zipper around. Ms. B sighed and stepped back. "Alright, move over," she said with determination. I scooted over enough so that she was sitting next to me on the suitcase. With both of our weight pressed down on the top of the suitcase we managed to just barely zipper it.
"Ha!" I said, satisfied. I held up my hand and Ms. B slapped it. She dragged her suitcase to the door and left it there. "You look lovely, Sam." Ms. B said, gesturing to my graduation outfit.
"Thanks!" I said. "Not that anyone is going to see it underneath the ugly robe."
"They are unfortunate," she agreed turning up her face in disgust. The awful gold graduation robes we had to wear were completely disgusting.
"Is Freddie in his room?" I asked.
"Yes, he is practicing his valedictorian speech," she smiled, still proud of Freddie's achievements. "He's been reading the speech to his mirror all week." I concealed a laugh as I did when she revealed something personal that Freddie would never want me to know. I started for Freddie's room. "Don't forget, I want to get a picture of you before you leave!" she called after me. "Is Carly still across the hall?"
"Harper came and picked her up already." I answered. "But she's going to meet us in front of the school." Ms. B nodded and began muttering to herself about a checklist for her trip and one for the graduation while I hurried up to Freddie's room.
Just as his mother had said, he was standing in front of his mirror and reciting his valedictorian speech. I leaned against the doorframe and waited for him to notice me. He was dressed up more than usual in a pair of black pants with a nice light blue button down shirt.
"…and so as we begin a new journey…Sam?" Freddie spun around as he caught sight of my reflection in the mirror. His cheeks turned slightly pink from embarrassment. I couldn't help but laugh.
"No, go on." I said, giggling. "I want to know what happens on this new journey."
"Ha, ha." Freddie said sarcastically, throwing his note cards on the dresser. "I was just practicing. I've got to speak in front of everyone."
"Lucky for you, no one listens." I said. Quite honestly the only thing I was going to be listening for was my name and parts of Freddie's speech.
"Thanks, Sam." Freddie said. He looked a little deflated and nervous. He went to run a hand through his hair but stopped when he remembered that it was gelled down.
"Alright, maybe I'll listen so all of this practicing doesn't go to waste," I offered, smiling at him. I enjoyed teasing him but I hated to hurt him. Freddie chuckled.
"Thanks for being so considerate," he said.
"Anytime," I said, falling into Freddie's desk chair as he sat on the bed. I had nothing else to say and so I looked around the room for something to do. His room was the only part of the house not completely neat. The rest of the house was too neat and too plain. He had nerd posters on every wall of videogames and movies while his bookshelf was full of books I didn't even want to read the titles of. He'd grown out of the cartoon comforter – now it was just plain dark blue. He had a television on top of his dresser with a videogame console. His desk held too much technical stuff that I had no idea what its uses were.
Sighing, I looked away from the computer and at Freddie who was watching me. "So Carly and Harper left already…" I informed him, casually.
"This early?" Freddie wondered, looking to the watch on his wrist.
"They went to get something to eat…" I said, hinting towards the reason I came in the first place: food. If we left now we'd have just enough time. I was silently hoping that my suggestive tone would tip him off.
"Oh, I see. You want food." Freddie said. Of course he knew me and my need for food. I smiled and nodded so Freddie laughed at me. "Ok, we'll stop at Fast Burger on the way to pick up Gibby." I smiled as my stomach rumbled.
"Did you know he's going naked under his graduation robe?" I asked as I stood up.
"Why does he have to ride in my car then?" Freddie whined as he grabbed his note cards and hanger with his graduation robe.
"Cuz Carly and Harper want to be alone." I said, picking up things on Freddie's desk and putting them down out of their places. "Besides they have to drive his naked butt to the party afterwards." Freddie finally had everything he needed so I turned to leave the room before remembering that one of the items I'd put down was my cell phone. I turned to get it and turned directly in to Freddie's chest. He caught me in his arms and his eyes found mine. That look, as cliché as it sounded, made my knees go weak. It was that look that he got on his face whenever I caught him staring at me. I usually pretended not to notice as he looked away quickly but today it was hard to ignore. It had been over a year and a half of this dance we've been doing: teasing and fighting while we secretly liked each other. I expected for things to eventually change; in fact I wanted them to change…eventually, when I was ready. I felt something funny in my stomach. It was anticipation and excitement with slight fear. We were graduating today – leaving high school for good. It had to mean something for us…
I wanted it to mean something for us; I wanted a straightforward definition of what Freddie and I were; and I wanted him to kiss me right now. His eyes moved from mine to my lips and lingered for a moment. I watched as he shut his eyes and took a step back.
"We should get going," he said, clearing his throat. "I want to cover my seat before Gibby gets in the car." It was as if nothing ever happened. He walked out of the room, leaving me staring after him.
I was more angry than anything. It wasn't a secret that we liked each other; we just didn't talk about it. He had an opportunity and he walked away from it. I wanted to yell at him and hit him a few times for making me hurt; instead I grabbed my cell phone and followed him out of his room, hating him for what he didn't do.
**
Ms. B made us take a few before pictures in the living room. I smiled and pretended that nothing was wrong as we took pictures. Once in the car, I turned to look out the window and ignored Freddie.
"Damn clouds." I muttered to myself as I looked up to the sky. This morning I doubted it would rain today and it was already to begin to drizzle. This morning I also doubted that I'd ever feel heartbroken because of Freddie but I really wasn't that great of a psychic anyways.
Freddie attempted to make conversation but when he only got one syllable replies, he gave up. A few times after we stopped for food he tried to ask if I was feeling ok or nervous but again he gave up. We stopped in front of Gibby's house and Freddie honked the horn. The plan was to only take one car to the party afterwards. Harper was going to take his car with Carly, Freddie, Gibby, Michel'le (Gibby's girlfriend), and I but then Jeremy needed a ride so the whole thing was screwed up. Now Freddie and I were taking his car to the party while the others rode in Harper's car. I really wasn't up for riding with Freddie anymore.
"Hey guys!" Gibby said. He slid into Freddie's covered back seat, wearing his graduation robe and carrying his cap. It didn't look like he was wearing pants underneath the robe. I almost dropped my French fries in surprise. I made up the story about Gibby going naked because it seemed like something Gibby would do…but wow… I turned to look at Freddie and he looked at me with a smile playing at his lips. If I hadn't been reminded of his face before he walked away from me, I probably would have laughed too. I looked away and at the rain that came down harder.
**
The ceremony took longer than the four years of high school put together. Too many people had to make speeches that were muffled due to the heavy rain beating on the ceiling and there were too many people in the graduating class that had to get their diplomas before me. Finally we tossed our caps in the air and we were officially high school graduates.
The pictures that came after the ceremony were just as miserable.
"I suffered through four years of studying for this?" I asked Carly as I posed between her and Gibby.
"Oh you know it was worth it," she said, smiling for the camera.
I really didn't think it was worth it. We waited in the gym and promised Spencer that we would be home before two a.m. I wished Ms. B luck at finding a man on her cruise and then followed the others to the parking lot.
"Jeremy, switch cars with me!" I begged as I crouched under my umbrella and we ran to the parking lot. "I can't ride in Freddie's car…he's too annoying."
"I can't." Jeremy said. "I'm allergic to the fabric of Freddie's seat covers."
"Damn it Jeremy!" I exclaimed, hitting him twice. I slid into the front seat of Freddie's car and slammed the door shut. He followed in the driver's seat and started the car.
"Can you believe it?" he asked, excitedly. "We graduated."
"Oh, really? Was that what we just did?" I asked sarcastically as I slid my feet out of the soaked flip-flops. Freddie "hhmmphed" and pulled out of the parking space. I turned to watch the rain fall for lack of something better to do. I would enjoy the party tonight and forget about Freddie…perhaps there was a guy that I overlooked in high school, thinking that I would eventually be with Freddie. Ha!
The obnoxious music that Freddie turned on startled me and made me even angrier. I slapped his hand away from the radio and turned it off.
"What's your problem?" Freddie asked, getting angry with me because he was a jerk. My problem? My problem was that I let myself fall for him and I ended up hurt. My problem was that I didn't want to go to the party and find someone else because I only wanted Freddie.
"You and your stupid music!" I replied with nothing better to stay. It was the most we'd spoken since the incident earlier.
"How has that been bothering you all day?" he countered. I couldn't take this. I didn't want to fight with Freddie anymore. It was not the same when I wanted to hate him. I wanted to cry and I hated to cry. What I needed was to be away from Freddie so I couldn't feel like this anymore.
"You know what, just pull over!" I demanded. I didn't care if it was raining or if I had to walk back home in the rain. I needed to get away and stop this awful feeling. I'd felt it all day although I tried to ignore it; I'd reached my breaking point.
"No!" he replied.
"Pull over!" I yelled louder. I would not start crying until I left the car. I wouldn't give him that satisfaction.
"Fine!" he caved. He slammed on the breaks and pulled the car to the side of the road. He turned to look at me, as if I wanted him to pull over so that we could just talk. I fumbled with the lock on the door and finally pushed it open. "What are you doing?" he yelled. I ignored him and stepped out of the car. Immediately I was soaked and my clothing stuck to me uncomfortably. I shivered but I didn't care anymore because the tears were already streaming down my face. I hated him and needed to get away from him as soon as possible. Slamming the door, I took off down the street, realizing that I had forgotten my shoes in the car. By the time I made it home, I would be sick and that would be his fault too.
"Sam!" he called. His voice held pain and that was the reason I stopped. Even when I was mad and hated him, I couldn't bare to hurt him. I halted in my tracks and turned to face him. I choked on a sob and hit my fist to his chest.
"What is this?" I asked in frustration. "Today you give me that look that you always give me when you think I'm not looking! For some reason I thought that this time would be different. It was right there and you walked away from it! I can't believe I was stupid enough to think that things would change because we were graduating! Whatever it was is gone Freddie. It's over…" my voice had dropped to a low whisper. I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay and wait for his reaction but I didn't have the time to mull it over. His mouth fell open and he stared at me in surprise. He looked hurt and I tried to be glad that I hurt him. Instead I felt worse.
"Nothing is over," he said, taking me by surprise. I gasped as he grabbed my shoulders and pulled me close to his body. I shivered as our freezing bodies touched. He held me tighter. I tilted my head to look him in the eye. It was different from our first kiss because this time it wasn't just to get it out of the way. This time it was the beginning of something we'd been subconsciously waiting for since that first kiss.
This time I closed my eyes because I knew what to expect.
His lips pressed against mine and I responded with everything I felt for him. I kissed him fervently before I pulled away, smiling.
"Freddie…" I said, not knowing where to begin or what I should say at this moment. There was so much that I needed to say, that I needed to hear. My pulse was racing and my heart was about to burst out of my chest. Thoughts raced through my head but I couldn't get them straight.
"No," Freddie said gently. I didn't argue with him because I didn't know how when I felt like this. His lips were warm against my forehead and his hands brushed the hair from my soaked face. His lips hungrily met mine and I was lost again. He let go of my shoulders and wrapped his arms around me. I was beginning to shiver more in the freezing rain. My feet were blocks of ice and if Freddie weren't holding me, I wouldn't be able to stand up.
His lips were taken abruptly from mine and I could feel him shake from the cold.
"It's cold," was all he said as he tugged on my hand and brought me back to the car. My head was spinning and it felt like I was starting to get frostbite but the heat of the car helped. He never said anything about his precious car and us soaking the seats. He didn't say anything at all. I didn't say anything. I tried to catch my breath as Freddie spun the car around and back the way we came.
Perhaps we should have talked in the car and discussed what happened and where we went from here but we didn't. All of the words that I would have said before had evaporated with that second kiss. Still, there was so much to say but I couldn't form the words. We both needed a moment to think.
I'm not coming to the party, I sent to Carly in a text message. I didn't know where I actually was going but I couldn't go to the party. Not like this and not after what happened. I'll explain later.
Ten minutes of silence and cold later, we were in front of the apartment building. As soon as the car stopped I grabbed my shoes and flung the door open, running as fast as I could for the building. Freddie followed behind me, splashing in the same puddles that I did. I stopped running as we reached the entrance. The last thing I needed was a concussion to forget that the wish I made on my birthday actually came true.
"Don't get water in my lobby!" Lewbert yelled as he spotted us, dripping head to toe and standing in his precious lobby. I ignored him and started for the stairs, wringing my dress out on the floor as we walked. Freddie followed chuckling as we headed up the stairs and ignored the angry doorman. We stopped in the hallway in between the two apartments, still not speaking a word. There was the lingering question of where to go from here. Freddie pulled his key out and opened the door to his apartment, pushing the door open. We both stood, staring at it.
"Want to come in?" he finally asked, delicately. I nodded and followed him into the apartment. He shut the door behind us and stepped out of his wet shoes as I dropped mine to the floor. I turned to face him, still shivering and wondering what we were supposed to do. He stared at me too, shaking from the cold.
"I hate you, you know." I told him in a low voice. I looked to the floor and after a few deep breaths I found the courage to look at him again. "I hate that you have this power over my emotions. You can make me cry one minute and swoon the next." I managed a glare at him while I felt the complete opposite. Feeling like this was new and I wasn't used to it. He was to blame for it and I hated being confused.
"Swoon?" he asked with amusement. He was chuckling while his teeth chattered.
"Damn right!" I said, slugging him on the arm. "I've never s-swooned before t-today."
"Good," he said, a smile forming on his lips. I opened my mouth to hate him some more. I wanted to get a good yelling in because he made me miserable today. He made me feel like giving up. Then he kissed me, thinking it would be all better and now I felt strange. It was his fault. I opened my mouth to yell at him but instead he pulled me into his arms yet again and caught my mouth in his…