Chapter 1

Seth clenched his teeth. The soft clinking of silverware against fine china and careful conversation grated his nerves. It smacked of Newport society, which he hoped was furthest from the truth since he was having dinner at home with his very tense parents and his very absent brother. Ryan hadn't told anyone he would miss dinner and he wasn't picking up his cell. Nobody should be too surprised. Lately Ryan wasn't home even when he was home. When he wasn't hiding out in the poolhouse, he was unfailingly polite but distant. It had taken time for Ryan to perfect this mask. He was anything but controlled a month ago.

Seth rushed in to see Ryan fall back from Trey's rumpled body. He backpedaled until his back hit the wall, and he slid into a huddle next to Marissa. But each was in his own world. Ryan stared vacantly at the gun lying dormant on the floor in front of them. His face streamed with tears, immune to Marissa's violent sobbing, he repeated in a barely audible voice, "What have I done?" Seth and Summer stood by shocked dumb at first. Then Seth stepped into Ryan's face blocking the view of Trey and the gun and shook him. Ryan angrily refocused on Seth and pushed him away saying, "Stay away from me." As they listened to the sirens get closer and closer, Seth kept his distance and spoke soothingly, hoping the wild look in Ryan's eyes would be tame by the time the police questioned him. There hadn't been many more words between them since.

Seth sighed and looked up from pushing around his full plate of take-out to see his parents passing concerned looks his way. Out of habit Seth considered saying something witty to distract them from going parental on him, but decided against it. Everything was different since 'The Shot' –that's what he called it anyways. Trey still lay in a prison hospital after barely surviving the gunshot wound. Marissa was only days ago cleared of criminal charges and whisked off to Europe. And Ryan, well, his charges were dropped, too, but beyond that how Ryan was doing was anybody's guess.

"This is stupid. I'm done," Seth said standing up to leave.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sandy challenged.

"Nothing, absolutely nothing," he said with a snort, "I'm just a guy finished with dinner. Not a guy with a missing brother that no one seems to care about." He turned toward the kitchen.

"Hold on, your mom and I feel just as bad as you do. Ryan is dealing with some big issues. We need to give him room to sort things out."

"Dad, from first hand experience I can say your laissez-faire attitude sucks." Seth rested his hands on the back of a chair, and spoke carefully as if he were controlling his anger or speaking to a slow child. "Did you really think I was outgrowing my shoes very week? That I was black and blue because I secretly played tackle football? Look the other way if it helps you, but I'm going to find him."

Sandy's face reddened with impatience. "No, you don't just drop a bomb like that and walk out. If you want us to feel guilty, we do. And if we did wrong by you Seth, your mom and I are more sorry than you'll ever know." Sandy's voice quieted and he continued sadly, "This isn't about you Seth. Ryan and this brother…"

Seth interrupted impatiently, "He's my brother, too."

"Ryan trusted his brother and Trey betrayed him. What Trey did was criminal, unconscionable but Ryan's got a mixed up sense of loyalty, you know that. Ryan has confessed that he wanted to kill Trey, and almost did. Then doubting Marissa before knowing what she really went through… Please, give Ryan some time."

"You have no idea what Ryan's going through; he isn't talking to me and he sure as shit isn't talking to you guys," Seth shouted out in anger. "You think he'll fix himself because that's what you want to believe. Dad, you ignored my problems, Mom's problems, and now Ryan's. Mom, what do you think?"

They turned to Kirsten. She had returned from the Suriak Center to continue therapy as an outpatient as soon as she heard the news about Ryan. The worst of the physical withdrawal was over, but she looked tired and strained. She spoke softly, "Seth, please sit down." Seth paused for a moment before he sat down reluctantly.

"I think," she began then frowned uncomfortably and rotated her water glass absently, "Ryan doesn't even want to be with us for dinner. Maybe we should set some boundaries."

"Maybe? Maybe? Oh, you think so, Mom? Between you and Ryan, it's Shaun of the Dead around here. He cut summer college prep class and you guys did nothing. We haven't played PS2, gone to the pier, -"

Sandy raised his hand to gesture Seth to stop abruptly. "Cut it out. You're hurting. We all are. But do not take your frustration out on your mom. Too bad if Ryan can't entertain you, Ryan-is-not-your-hired-playmate," Sandy roared.

"Don't twist my words like a lawyer. Those were example of how out of it he is, not a complaint. Damn it," Seth swore, "you say the door is always open but you never listen when it matters."

Seth looked up at his father only to see Ryan standing quietly behind him in the doorway. From his distraught expression he had overheard enough. Seth dropped his gaze.

"Sandy," Kirsten said quietly and gestured with her head to Ryan.

Ryan straightened up as all eyes turned to him. The bruises on his face and neck were faint now, but his hand was still bound in a soft cast. They stared at him, and he lifted the cast in a vague gesture. "I'm sorry, I'm causing all kinds of trouble between you guys... I was walking and lost track of time. It won't happen again. I swear."

"Seth, can we have a moment with Ryan?" Sandy asked.

Seth cast Ryan a sympathetic look before offering a mock salute and leaving the room.

There was a soft knock at the poolhouse door. Ryan sat on the bed and stared at the door. It was Seth, of course. Ryan opened his mouth to grunt his permission to enter, but closed it again without saying anything. He didn't feel up to talking. He had been successfully avoiding Seth these last weeks, feigning fatigue or other excuses until Seth got the message. Sandy and Kirsten's pep talk and offers of condolences were enough to bear for one night.

After a moment's pause, Seth's quiet shuffle away from the door could be heard. Seth was so predictable in some ways. Ryan knew Seth was hoping to make amends, and Ryan could clearly imagine his hurt, baffled expression. But the respectful knocking and the quick retreat were a surprise. Everyone was trying so damn hard to be nice to him.

Ryan hesitated before he jumped up and opened the door. "I was dressing," he mumbled.

Seth bounded through the door with a small smile. "Did they give you the routine?" He bounced on the bed pleased to be have earned a reprieve from his banishment. It had been awhile since Ryan had let him in. "They usually fall back on the carrot and stick approach; do this and you'll get that. You know, the usual parent thing."

Ryan grimaced and shrugged; there were no carrots in the Atwood home.

"I mean did they ground you?"

"For being late to dinner? No, they wanted me to promise to have dinner with the family every night, and umm, … they're worried, come talk when I wanted." Ryan flopped into the chair next to the occupied bed and pulled a pillow over his middle, fiddling with the pillow's decorative tassel.

"Did you talk to them?"

"Nothing to say," Ryan said wearily.

"You can talk to me," Seth offered with wide, open eyes.

Ryan's silence didn't faze Seth. "So I know the summer didn't start off well, but we can regroup. Maybe pull out the Pings and play a round at Cabo, or," Seth said looking around the room until his eyes fell on a soccer ball, "soccer? More your specialty. We could practice kicking and dribbling or whatever it is you do." Seth went and picked up the ball, bouncing it from knee to knee. "See, I'm not as bad as ..." The ball got away from Seth and knocked a vase from the side table which broke into a few clean pieces.

"Okay, okay, stop before you destroy the world. Just say it if you have to."

"Are you sure? Because you've never let me before."

Ryan sighed. "I won't stop you this time."

Seth began to pace in a short pattern along the length of the bed. He dragged his hand through his hair and let out a loud breath. "Okay." He nodded nervously to no one. Each word was said slowly and empathically. "Ryan, thank you for finally letting me say I am so sorry. I was wrong to say anything about what Summer told me. If I hadn't told you, you wouldn't have gone to Trey's and … if I hadn't told Summer where you were going, Marissa wouldn't have gone either."

"We're cool, Seth." Ryan added when Seth raised his eyebrows skeptically, "It was me who went off. I would have found out sometime. I'm just sorry for dragging you guys into my mess, again." Ryan's tone was even, and he yawned and said, "I'm kinda beat."

"That's it? C'mon, bro. There is depth to your pain you can't hide. Let me help with your load. Talk to me," Seth pleaded.

Ryan's eyes only narrowed. "How many times do we have to do this? I'm toxic, don't you get it? One drama after another, and each time you guys might have been hurt. We're lucky Trey took the hit this time. A slightly different timing, and it could have easily been you or Marissa or Summer. Think of that?"

"I owe you everything, dude. You made me see that not everyone in Newport is shit, that I'm not shit."

"You owe me nothing. Maybe your life seemed boring before I came, but boring doesn't sound half bad now." Ryan looked up earnestly. "I'm not sure what might set me off, Seth. I couldn't forgive myself if one of you got hurt. I'm not sure I have control..."

"So we get you some help. What's the point of having a WASP for a mom if not to use her money? I hear Suriak has a free room."

Ryan's face only hardened.

"Freezing us out hurts us, too."

"I'm sorry, that's all I got now."

Seth shook his head despondently, and they sat there quietly before Seth gave up and left the poolhouse.

Author's note: Thanks to FredSmith for a great beta job. I wasn't so keen to post this until FS gave me an encouraging shove.