Title: If I could

Spoilers: Just about everything up until the end of season 5

Rating: PG

Category: AU & fluff

Disclaimer: Not mine and never will be! But one can wish right?

Summary: What happened when Josh and Donna came home from Germany? How does Josh deal with Colin and Donna? And how does Donna deal with Josh and Colin?

General Information: ARIXTRA™ (fondaparinux sodium) – FDA approved Pulmonary Embolism drug.

Pillsbury Winthrop – is a law firm in Washington DC that specialising in political law.

Additional Cast: Colin Ayres - Photographer / Maggly – DNC / Colonel Layton – Doctor in Germany / Dr Lilly Wan – GW Doctor

White House – Josh's Office Thursday 12.35pm

CJ looked at the first of what was bound to be a long line of temporary assistants, "Is he back?"

"Yes madam," as she answered CJ started to walk to his office, "Madam, he's on the phone and I don't think----" Before she could finish the sounds of Josh's shouting filled the air.

"What kind of animal are you? They were carried off a plan in body bags … they haven't even been buried yet!"

"Oh yeah, he's back," CJ said to no one in particular as the noise of Josh slamming the phone down resounded. She tapped at the open door and walked in without waiting for an answer. She settled into the visitor's chair in front of Josh. "Maggly?"

"Yeah," Josh tried to calm himself. He knew the senator was only asking a question that would have to be looked at in the next few days. "How'd you guess?" Josh tried not to look at CJ: he picked up a pen off his desk.

"He rang Tody after the bombing."

"Toby … I haven't seen him, how is Andi?" Josh had almost forgotten that the congresswoman had been there, that she had seen this unfold first hand.

"She's still at her mother's. Toby said that she doesn't want to be on her own, and they're fighting because he wants her to come home with him." CJ paused for a moment, "He wants the kids at home with him." CJ never thought of Toby as the fatherly type. Now that was the only way she saw him. "When did you get back in?"

"About 2 hours ago, I had to go home to get changed."

"How was Donna when you left? I've tried …"

"Sleeping … the doctor said that if she remains stable they will medic vac her home within the next 10 days."

"To Wisconsin?"

"No, she will have to come back to DC, well to GW to start with at least." Josh's eyes were dark and sunken back in his head. She was used to seeing him tried but this was different, he was different. "Her mother can't fly with her as it is a government transport"

"What about her father?" CJ knew very little of Donna's family; she always went to them and they had never been to DC.

"Mr. Moss can't travel," Josh leant back in his chair, "I can only image what his going through … I've called him to let him know what's happening but it's not the same as sitting by her bed, as seeing what's happening." He paused for a moment, "I don't know, maybe its better that way; people only call you when they have good things to report." Josh ran his hands through his hair before dropping the pen he had been holding.

"Josh …" CJ wasn't sure what to say, she knew that Josh had been through hell and she couldn't even imagine what he was feeling when the doctors told him about the blood colt. "You're tried, you need to go home and get some sleep."

"I need to catch up."

"Josh?" CJ looked him in the eyes with a visible note of concern.

"CJ I'm fine," Josh dropped his eyes to so CJ couldn't see what they had to say, "I'm not the one who you need to worry about." He looked up trying to offer a reassuring smile.

"She'll be fine." CJ assured Josh before leaving him sitting alone in his office.

Unfortunately they didn't know if she would be fine. Leo had asked Josh to return home after Donna regained consciousness. The doctor had told him that it was looking good but the next few days would tell if there was any permanent damage, Josh had just been happy that she remembered who he was and where she was. However, he was happier when "Heathcliff" had announced he was heading back to Gaza with no real plans for him to visit the States.

White House – Thursday 6.20pm Two Weeks Later

"What time is it?"

"I know, I know. I am on my way." Josh pulled on his jacket and turned on the spot trying to locate his backpack

"What time is the flight?" Leo asked as he settled in a chair next to Josh's desk.

"Donna is in at 7.20 and Mrs. Moss at 7.50, by the time we get to the hospital Donna should be checked in and we will be able to see her." Josh finally had everything he needed to leave and gave Leo one last look.

"Give her our love."

"Thanks Leo, I … I don't---"

Leo smiled at Josh, "Go!"

The George Washington University Hospital – Thursday 8.25pm

As Josh parked the car in the hospital parking lot he remembered Donna wheeling him to the car only four years ago. All he could think about was the promise of never returning to this place and he couldn't believe that he was now walking back in … to see Donna.

His thoughts began to tumble out of control. All of this waiting; to see if she would be okay, for information on her condition, to find out when she would be coming home; it was caused by him. He had done this to her when he sent her to Gaza. If only he had done something real to ensure that Donna had moved in her career. Instead he had been selfish, not wanting to let her go. Truth was he wasn't sure he would be able to work without her.

"Josh?" Mrs. Moss paused for a moment. "You're looking a little pale, Josh." She placed her hand on his arm as she spoke, "Do you want to wait a minute." When he still didn't answer she asked, "You don't have to come, I can go in on my own … if it's too much for you."

"Ahh … No, no. I'll be fine."

Josh let Mrs. Moss walk just a step in front of him and stood a little further back when she approached the nurse's station. Josh was studying his feet as Mrs. Moss requested directions to Donna's room and information on her treating doctor. Josh didn't need the directions, he knew his way to ICU, physio and the recovery wards.

"Josh, are you sure you don't want a minute before we go up?"

Josh pulled his head up, "No, no let's go." Again Josh stayed half a step behind Donna's mother, hitting the number 4 button as they stepped into the elevator.

"You've been very sweet, ringing everyday. Making sure she hears all the news, despite everything she still wants to know what's happening at home and …" Before Mrs. Moss could finish the doors opened on the ICU floor.

Josh was unsure what to say, he looked back at the ground before catching someone out of the corner of his eye. He focused just long enough to see Colin staring out a window next to the nursers station. "Heathcliff' he thought to himself. Donna had asked him to come with her. "Are you all right from here?" Josh was shifting nervously on the spot.

"Yes, Josh?" Mrs. Moss had picked up on the uncomfortable tone in Josh's voice, "Josh, where are you going?" She asked with a puzzled look on her face.

"I forgot something that I have to do." Josh took two small steps back, looking back up Colin as he did. "Call me if you need anything." Josh was still backing away as he spoke.

"Josh," She watched as he stepped back on to the elevator, "Josh, what's wrong?" Mrs. Moss watched as the doors closed, and then she turned and scanned the room her eyes coming to rest on Colin. Taking a deep breath she walked over to him, "Colin?"

"Hi, Hello. Mrs. Moss, Donna … they are just settling her in now. We'll be able to go in any minute now." Colin had always been a little unsure of how he should speak to Donna's mother; he wasn't sure what he should say. Couldn't think of how to outline the way they met or just how long they have known each other, but he was certain that she knew enough of the details not to like him much.

They were both drawn to the ICU entrance when a young nurse walked into the corridor, "Emily Moss?"

"Yes." Both Mrs. Moss and Colin moved toward the nurse, "Is something wrong?"

The young women smiled, "No, you may go in and see your daughter."

"May I go in?" Colin asked both the nurse as well as Mrs. Moss

"I don't see any problem with that, but I am going to ask both of you not to stay long. It was a long flight and we will need to ensure that Ms Moss gets plenty of rest."

"Thankyou, " Emily turn to Colin and gave him a half smile, she then began to walk toward her daughters room noting as she did that Colin was only a few steps behind her.

Josh's Office – Thursday 10:20pm

"I was just going to put these on your desk," Charlie paused for a moment, "I thought Donna flew in tonight?"

"Yeah, she did."

"Okay," Charlie said in a quiet voice, almost to himself, "… Well I'll just leave these here." He placed the flies on the edge of the desk. He knew that they had given Josh a new assistant but it didn't look like she had done anything. "How is it working out with Chloe?"

"Who?" Josh looked up at Charlie for the first time since he had entered his office.

"Your new assistant?"

"Temporary assistant," Josh snapped back at Charlie. "And she's not allowed into my office, I can never find anything once she has been in here."

"Right." Charlie walked out of Josh's office and stopped next to Donna's desk, he started at it for a few moments before he turned back to Josh's office. This time he sat down in the chair across from Josh. "Y'know if you need anything … if you need to talk to someone."

"Thanks but I need to get this done so I can go home."

"Okay," Charlie stood and slowly moved to the door. He stopped in the doorway trying to think of something to say. As he opened his mouth Josh began to speak.

"I sent her there." Josh waited for Charlie to return to his seat. "Toby begged Andy not to go and I had some guy from the press office kicked off so I could send Donna. Send her where bombings happen everyday …" Josh's voice dropped almost to a whisper "I sent her there."

Charlie watched as Josh focused on his hands, "Donna wanted to go. She knew about the press guy and she knew that she wasn't there to report back to you, but she still wanted to go."

"It doesn't matter if she wanted to go or not, I still sent her there. She wanted more responsibility and instead of giving it to her I sent her to Gaza, I sent her to be blown up!" Josh's voice rose in volume, as he fell back against his chair and his eyes again fell onto a pen that had been sitting on his desk since his return from Germany. The pen Donna had used to write her few words to him before she went to surgery, another place he couldn't help her.

"You didn't do this to her. This is not your fault," Charlie waited for Josh to look at him, "I spent years blaming myself for my mother; for you and The President being shot ---"

Josh cut Charlie off, "That's different; you didn't send The President there." His eyes focused solely on Charlie, how could he compare his relationship with The President and what was happening to Donna.

"I know that. And it's not your fault … Ron Butterfield told Toby that what happened at Rosslyn was an act of mad men and it was nobody's fault. This wasn't your fault. Donna wanted to do more and you went out of your way to find her something that she could do, something more important then being your assistant." Charlie leaned closer to Josh, "Ron was right, it was an act of mad men."

Josh let out a deep breath and gripped the pen tighter, "Did you believe that?"

"No. Someone pointed out to me that 'if they're shooting at you you've gotta be doing something right'" Charlie paused, "Then I believed it." He waited for Josh to respond but the older man remained silent, so he stood. When he got to the door, he turned back to look at Josh, "Will you let Chloe in here? It's a real mess, that's why you can't find anything."