Part 1

Julian

Chapter 1: The Story

"Hello Mr. Albans, It's wonderful to finally meet you in person. I'm Joy Howard, the principal her at Rowan Prep." She gestured me to a chair and took a seat at her desk.

"It's a pleasure to meet you as well. Thank you so much for considering me for this position. It really is an honor." I said as I sat down. I felt strange to sit in a principal's office as an equal, a colleague. It created such a confusing mix of emotions as I memories of childhood visits to the Principal's office came unbidden to my mind. I almost forgot where I was and what I supposed to be doing for just a moment.

"This interview is just a formality really, based on our conversations over the phone, I think you're a great fit for the position, I just wanted to get to know you a little better and find out a little more about what made you want to be a middle school counselor. It says on your resume that you specialized in child psychiatry and that you've been working mostly with middle school aged children for a little over a year already. I'd like to know what got you interested in child counseling in the first place and what made you want to transition from a private practice to a school setting" I had known that this question was probably going to come up, and I had planned out my answer already. What I was going to say was a brief overview of the experiences that helped my realize my calling and later spark my decision to move from a private practice to a middle school, but in a split second, I decided to tell her the whole truth.

"Mrs. Howard, I'd like to tell you a story, It's kind of a long one, but it's the only way I can think of to answer your question without being untruthful." She didn't respond immediately, and I couldn't quite read the expression on her face, it was a bit puzzled I suppose, but she also seemed to understand a great deal.

"Tell me whatever you need to tell me" She said with a soft smile. "And please, call me Joy."

"Thank you so much Joy. Before I start I want you to understand that I'm not proud of some of the things I'm about to tell you, and it would be a lot easier for me to give you a watered down version of the truth, but I can't, the experiences that led me to this moment, have shaped me into the man I am today, and they are the very reason I am sitting in front of you today." She nodded at me and silently gave me a small understanding smile. "During the short time I've been working as a counselor, and even before that, I've noticed a single common thread for nearly every child I've talked to, especially the ones who have been sent to me by their teachers and school officials. I mostly deal with kids in situations of bullying and the one thing that nearly all of them have in common is that they feel like they are alone. They don't have an adult that they feel like they can trust that isn't their parents, and they generally won't talk to their parents even if they have the most supportive and nurturing family in the world. By the time a child is sent to see a specialist, whether they have been bullied, they are the bully, or they simply witnessed the events, things have gotten so bad that sometimes an entire school has gotten involved in a war that began with two or three students and a simple misunderstanding, or perhaps a single student that reacted badly to someone or something they didn't understand. It always starts with ignorance and prejudice, and no one really does anything until it has excavated so far that no one seems to be able to rectify the situation. I want to be able to talk to these kids, I want them to have someone to trust and talk to about the things that are troubling them. Does that make sense?"

"It does, but I'm not quite sure what you meant when you told me that there were some things that you're not proud of in this story."

"I haven't really gotten to that yet, technically, that was the answer to your question, but there's more to it. You see, I haven't just seen these types of situations during my years as a counselor. I lived them." A look of sympathy came over her face, and I knew what she was thinking, I'd seen it before. I have told this story a few times and every single time, they assume that I was bullied and that was what led me to become a counselor. Sometimes I'm tempted to stop talking and let them draw whatever conclusions they want because it's not technically untrue, it's just not the whole truth.

"I know what you're thinking, but you've got it backwards. I was the bully." I wait just a moment to gauge her reaction, she seems surprised, maybe even a little shocked, but she doesn't stop me.

"It all happened the year I started middle school, fifth grade at my school. Before the start of the year, the middle school director called my mother and asked if I would be willing to be a 'welcome buddy' to a new student that had previously been home schooled. When I met the boy, I discovered that my mother had left out the part where the Director told my mother that the boy we were meeting had a facial deformity, my mother has a disturbing way of 'forgetting' things that make her uncomfortable. Later on in the year, she actually photoshopped this kid out of the class picture. " Joy's face is a mask of uncertainty, it's as if she doesn't know how to process the information she's being given.

"So, what happened with this boy? You said you were the bully, was it him?"

"Yes, it was him, I was terrible to him, and I the worst part was, I didn't even think I was being all that mean. At first, no one really said anything about the way I treated him, in fact, a lot of them joined in and I thought I was awesome and popular. Little by little everyone began to realize how awful I was being and they started to turn on me. I was completely oblivious though, I blamed everything on that boy. In my mind, my friends had stopped hanging out with me because this boy and his friends had it in for me and I was convinced that it was all his fault, his best friend actually punched me in the face after I call the kid a 'freak' and I still didn't get it. On top of all that, my parents were worse, my behavior actually makes perfect sense when you know how much time and effort my parents put in to ignoring and explaining away all the horrible things that I did. I didn't truly understand the magnitude of it all until I stayed with my Grandmother over the summer. She put me in my place, and after talking with her, I sent the kid a letter apologizing for everything, and he actually called me and forgave me, I couldn't have been more surprised."

"So what did your Grandmother tell you that made you change your mind?" I'm not sure at this point what she's thinking, but I can tell she's still trying to process everything. I must say that I've seen this look before too, but I don't usually tell them about Grandmere's story, I don't tell them about Her Julian, in fact, this is the first time anyone has actually asked me this particular question before and I'm not sure how to respond. I've never told anyone about my namesake and I don't think I can.

"She told me a story that opened my eyes, but it's not mine to tell. I'm sorry."

"It's alright, I understand, I'm glad you told me all this though, thank you. I do have one more question though, if you don't mind." I nodded for her to continue. "I just wanted to know when you actually decided to study psychology and become a counselor. If all of this happened in fifth grade, you had quite a while to decide on a career path before starting college."

"I'm not really sure of the exact moment that I decided, I think it was an idea that slowly presented itself to me over the course of the next few years. I moved schools after fifth grade and the school I went to was really small, and everyone was already friends. I also discovered that someone from my old school was friends with someone from my new school, and they knew everything that had happened, except for the part where I apologized and he forgave me. It wasn't long before everyone knew all the terrible things I had done and I became a social pariah. I never even told my parents what happened, because I knew they would just blame it all on everyone else, but the truth is, I did all those things and even though I had apologized, I had to accept that and move on as best I could. I knew that I couldn't keep making excuses for everything and playing the victim."

"But in this case, you were the victim, so what did you do about it?"

"I know my actions didn't give those kids a right to treat me the way they did, but I also understood that I couldn't just expect them to trust me because they had no idea that I had changed, none of them had even been there for it, they only had second and third hand information. At first I was terrified, it felt like the world was against me, and I didn't know what to do, until Ms. Greene the school counselor found me in the courtyard at lunchtime. I had started bringing my lunch and eating out there since no on wanted to sit with me in the cafeteria. She had gotten wind of everything that was going on and she wanted to talk to me. We went to her office, and even though I was reluctant at first, I finally told her everything, start to finish, the only thing I left out was the story Grandmere told me. I must admit, I was in tears by the end of my tale and she sat quietly and listened the whole time, never interjecting, never scolding, and when I was done, she rolled her desk chair around and sat next to me. I had my head in my hands and I was crying so hard, and I asked her if this was what that boy felt like when I was being such a jerk. I don't remember exactly what she said to me after that, but, from that moment on, I knew I wasn't alone. It felt so good to know that someone cared about what I was feeling and that I could go and talk to her when I was having a hard time. She encouraged me to go and introduce myself to people, and tell them about myself. She told me to start by setting the record straight. These kids were treating me badly because of the things they had heard about me, even though most of it was true, the one thing that no one knew was that I was sorry for what I had done, she wanted me to tell them that. At first I thought she was crazy, but I finally plucked up the courage to try it and it worked. It didn't happen immediately and not with everyone, but I was actually able to form some genuine friendships just by being brave and telling the truth. So to answer your question, I pretty much knew that I wanted to study psychology and be a school counselor by the time I started High School, the only reason I did the private practice is because of my parents. When I told them what I wanted to do, they insisted that if I wanted to be a counselor, I could do it in a private practice, not in a school, because it wouldn't pay enough. I told them I didn't care about the money, and then they delivered their ultimatum, they wouldn't pay for my college unless I agreed to work in a private practice. I mulled it over for a few days and I had no choice but to give in, I hated myself for it, but I had already registered and been accepted and as long as they claimed me on their taxes I would never qualify for financial aid. I made it through school avoiding my parents as much as possible and when I graduated, my parents told me that they had already found a position for me with the counseling center that I had gone to as a child, I didn't know what else to do so took the job and worked with them for the next year. A few months ago, I started looking for jobs at middle schools and high schools. I told my mother at Christmas that I was quitting the job she'd found for me, and she lost it, we had a huge fight, I won't go into detail about everything that was said, but we haven't really spoken at all since then. Hopefully someday she'll come around, but regardless, I'm going to do what makes me happy." I know I gave Joy quite a lot to process and for a moment I was worried that I might have gone a little overboard. My concerns turned out to unfounded because after a few moments, she smiled at me.

"I know that's probably much more information than you bargained for, but I had to tell the whole story. I needed you to know." Her smile didn't falter the whole time I was talking.

"Julian Albans, I think you're going to be a perfect fit for Rowan Prep"