War With All Sides

by Kansas J. Miller

Two years after his Presidency has ended, John Hoynes battles his demons while CJ fights in the Senate. [CJ-Hoynes]

Title: War with All Sides

Author: Kansas J. Miller

Pairing: CJ/Hoynes

Rating: Eventual R for some language and instances of alcoholism

Background Notes: This is the 9th piece and continuation of my CJ/Hoynes 'Everything' series. This story takes place in 2016, four years after 'Castles in the Sand' left off. John Hoynes' two Presidential terms have ended by now, and as you will see, CJ has continued her life in the political spotlight. This story is probably best read within the context of the other parts, but everything is generally well-re-capped for those who haven't read the whole series.

The rest of this series can be found her on FanFiction.net.

Feedback is happily received.

~*~

CJ Cregg-Hoynes strode out into the small but commanding lobby of the office suite, her long legs carrying her quickly and gracefully into the earshot of almost everyone on her staff. As phones buzzed and papers were shuffled, activity continued to thrive as CJ stopped in the middle of the lobby and put her hands indignantly up in the air.

"Where the hell is this phone call? I thought the White House wanted to talk at eight!"

At the smooth sound of her distinctive yet edgy tone, a chorus of responses rang out, none of which CJ took the time to separate and decipher. Instead she spun around and strode three steps into the office of her Chief-of-Staff, pushing the door open without so much as a knock. CJ widened her eyes and raised her hands up again, short on patience and not in the mood for games.

"Is Kevin Keller going to let us mark up this bill?"

Donna Moss-Lyman briefly covered the receiver of the phone and whispered loudly at her boss. "Carter, Botrell, Landers, and Sykes have been on for the last ten minutes."

CJ nodded as Donna threw down the receiver of the phone and simultaneously hit the speakerphone. "Kevin, Senator Hoynes is coming on. Five minutes, and I promise you I'm looking at my watch."

CJ rolled her eyes at Donna as she headed closer to the desk. Leaning her long, suit-covered arms against one of Donna's visitor chairs, CJ shook the hair back from her face as the White House Chief-of-Staff began to speak. "Good evening Mrs. Hoynes. I know this is an important bill to you and everyone on the committee, so I want to assure you that a deal *can* be struck with the President."

CJ looked quickly up at Donna, who was toying with the lapels of her navy blue blazer. Clearing her throat, CJ had to force herself to stay calm "The President's on the wrong side of this issue, Kevin, and I still don't understand why. He might as well be a member of the opposition party."

"Senator, President Harrington is as good as any other Democrat when it comes to Medicare, in fact-"

CJ snorted as she cut off the President's Chief-of-Staff. "Kevin, what is the point of sending this piece of legislation to the floor without prescription drug benefits? We might as well just save ourselves the time and trouble and go straight to the Republican version of this bill - because you know that's where we're going to land unless we put up a fight!"

"You've been in this business a long time, Senator, and I think you of all people would understand the need to pick and choose when and what to fight for, especially on the floor of the United States Senate. Especially when our party is in the minority! Listen-"

"No, Kevin, you listen. I'm not screwing around, and I'm sick of the people who are. Democrats have been promising to get these benefits for more years than I care to count. We're in the minority by only two Senators here, and I'm tired of these things getting bottled up in committee because you guys are afraid to troll for votes! I've had it up to my ears with hearings that just end up just wasting airtime on CSPAN! I'm the fourth ranking member on the HELP committee, and don't forget that a lot of my friends and I sit on finance. I think I speak for anyone in our party who counts when I ask you to stop yanking the leadership around! We're going to roll this out regardless of the President's support, and when we pass a bill with full benefits, you guys better not come looking for the credit!"

With that, CJ punched a button on Donna's phone, effectively ending the phone call. Letting out a deep breath, CJ met her Chief-of Staff's eyes. "You think that did the trick?"

Donna chuckled and shook her head, walking back around to sit behind her desk. "I love when you remind people that you're the *fourth* ranking member on Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions."

CJ sighed, her grin tense, not hiding well her frustration. "Hey, at least I'm not the fifth. Anyway, I'm sure that didn't do a whole lot but piss off Keller, but what does he expect?"

Before Donna could respond, a tall and dark-haired younger man strode through the door to Donna's office, his dark suit contrasting brightly with the red tie he wore. "Only you, Senator, can get away with talking to the White House Chief-of-Staff like that." The chuckle was deep and smooth, full of admiration and charm.

"Yeah, well, you should hear the way I talk to Republicans. And Vince, it was nice of you to back me up on that." CJ turned around casually, her foul mood and attitude covered but barely. With a quick wave of surrender to Donna, CJ took his elbow and maneuvered herself and the junior Senator from Florida out into the lobby of the office suite. "It was hard to tell that anyone else was on that call with me," CJ lowered her tone, "Maybe I should've let Botrell tell Keller just how serious we are," CJ smirked, her current contempt for the ranking Democrat on HELP crystal clear.

Vincent Carter glanced quickly around the small lobby before stepping closer to CJ and lowering his voice as he held her eyes with his. "Oliver Botrell is going to use you, CJ, because he's afraid of looking bad and he's afraid of pissing off the President. Don't fall into the trap."

"Thanks, Vince, but I've officially been made the mouthpiece on this," CJ shot back tiredly, her beef not really with Carter or even with Botrell, but with the President and the lame, lazy way they were trying to avoid a fight on an issue that mattered. "I'm the only one willing to expend some political capital to gain some serious benefits."

"You think I'm not feeling the pressure on this? I represent *Florida*, where everyone goes to retire!" Vince grimaced as he followed CJ into her private office, his handsome face falling into a frown as they walked. The Senator was in his late thirties and often reminded CJ of her husband back when he was younger and not so worn out from the world of politics. "CJ, stop worrying," Carter said firmly, watching as the tall former First Lady shut the office door. "We'll get this done. We might not have the President yet, but we'll get him. He's not going to have a choice. Midterms are just a month away, and it'll be easier after that's over. Who knows, we might even gain a majority."

"You're an optimistic one." CJ rolled her eyes and straightened her black suit jacket, a subtle signal that she was done dealing with Medicare for the night. "I think I've been in the Senate for too long."

Vince laughed heartily, shaking his head, amused by one of his closest friends and allies in the legislature. He and CJ had both taken their seats after the election in 2014, the same year that John Hoynes finished his two terms at the White House. It had been nearly two years since then; almost two short years since CJ Cregg-Hoynes had run for election a second time in Texas. With a more organized, formal campaign on her second try, CJ finally had the seat and the job she'd tried to earn in 2012. The press had been much more forgiving of the First Lady as she once again traversed Texas asking for votes; with more campaign experience, a better feel for the political climate of the state, and the added advantage of John's presidency coming to a close, CJ had toppled her opponent by twelve points.

CJ laughed, too, her tension briefly fading as Vincent's chuckle grew louder. "Hey, I'm just saying, sometimes it feels like I've been here my entire life."

"Well, time takes its toll when you're always yelling, screaming, and in general, raising hell," Vince said good naturedly with a grin, glancing down at his watch. "You want to grab a later dinner, or is your husband in town, waiting for you to get home?"

"Everyone's in Texas," CJ shook her head, her thoughts flying to John and the children. Riley was ten now, reveling in his growing soccer career, while Addy at eight was just as pretty, artistic and happy as ever, save for a recent attitude she'd been unleashing at school.

Vince nodded, noticing with curiosity the way CJ's face fell at the mention of her husband. He figured he was in the same boat as she was, missing a spouse and children who were often back in the home states. As far as Vince was concerned, that was the extent of the troubles plaguing CJ's mind. Neither the press nor the public had ever discovered President Hoynes' marital infidelity, and though CJ and John had agreed to work it out and stay together, things had never quite returned to normal for the couple. Running for office a second time had virtually cemented the wall that had been built between CJ and John after his affair with Katie Witt; her seat in the Senate kept CJ in Washington while John spent almost all of his time at the ranch in Texas. In the beginning, John came to Washington every weekend, but as time snaked on, CJ often found herself going an entire month without seeing her family.

CJ shook out of her thoughts, noticing Vince's silence. He was studying her strangely, something like concern written on his face. She waved her hand through the air. "Let's do dinner tomorrow, what do you say? I'm exhausted tonight, and I want to call my kids before it gets too late."

Vincent nodded quickly with understanding, moving to walk out of CJ's office. The tall, dark-haired Senator stopped with his hand on the door- knob and turned to catch CJ's eye. "Again, that was fun - with Keller," Vince grinned, still amused that the former First Lady could be so fiery. "Next time, you'll have to give me some heads up so I can provide equal vocals."

CJ's face broke into a grin. "You couldn't match me if you tried, Carter."

"That is true!" he called over his shoulder, already out into the lobby. "Have a good night!"

CJ nodded to herself, and turned around to survey the situation that was her desk. It was a pile of papers and folders, a mess that CJ knew she would never be able to handle if not for Carol. Just as her thoughts turned to the brunette, CJ's longtime assistant popped into the office.

"CJ? The President's on line four."

CJ glanced casually back at Carol. "Which one?"

Carol chuckled. It wasn't unusual to have any one of three Presidents, former or otherwise, calling the Senator's office. "Your husband, I'm sorry."

CJ nodded enthusiastically. "Oh, good, I was just about to try him. Can you get the door, Carol? You're done for the night."

"See you tomorrow, Boss," Carol offered as she slipped out of the spacious office, gently shutting the heavy door behind her.

CJ settled down behind the mountain of paperwork on her desk and hit the speaker on her phone. "John?"

"Claudia, hi. The kids wanted to say goodnight."

"I was just about to give you guys a buzz. How is everything?" CJ asked, crossing her legs as she became acutely aware of the formal tone she and John so often used with one another. They'd been together for nearly fourteen years, and it was frightening to CJ that so much could have changed in that time.

"Riley scored two goals at his game today. And I got another note from Addy's teacher. I don't understand, she's perfectly pleasant at home, but at school, it's something else."

CJ sat forward, closer to the phone. "Again? Are you serious? We have to figure out what we're going to do about that."

"Well, I wasn't sure if you were still interested in being a part of this little thing called parenting, but I was thinking she might be a lot happier at her old school in D.C."

CJ felt the sting of John's retort, and after the stressful evening she'd already had, CJ was all out of energy with which to be hostile. Her tone was sad and tired when she finally responded. "You know, John, I don't know why it has to be like this with us. We're married. We're supposed to love each other."

John cleared his throat, the sound muffled over the phone. "I honestly don't know if you still do."

Heaviness was taking over CJ's stomach, a feeling she'd grown used to in the two years that she and John had been practically living apart. She should have insisted that she loved him; she should have insisted that he tell her the same. But all CJ could think to say was, "This probably isn't the best way to have this conversation. I can come down this weekend."

"The kids would love that. I would love to see you, too, if you won't be too terribly busy with-"

"Being a Senator?" CJ shot back with as much anger as she could muster. "I am a Senator, John, and I rather like it. You should know all about this. I'm not the only politician in this marriage."

John sighed audibly over the line. "I'm sorry, Claudia, I am. I didn't meant to - look, it's not been easy with these two lately, and things with you and me-" John trailed miserably. "Yeah, you're right. This isn't the best way to have this conversation."

CJ bit her lip. Things hadn't been so bad right after she and John reconciled; after his affair with Katie had ended, John had been as good as gold to CJ, treating her like he had back when they were still dating. But as his Administration wound down and CJ talked about running again for the Senate, the old anger and resentment resurfaced in them both, growing slowly but surely between them for the last two years. Tonight, it felt like everything was finally coming to a head.

"I'll get on a plane Friday afternoon, John, okay? We'll talk and try to figure things out."

"All right." A long pause wafted over the line. "Riley wants to say hi."

"Okay, put him on. And John?"

"Yeah?"

"I do still love you," she said quietly, timidly, shy and afraid to admit something that might make her vulnerable. "I always will. No matter what you do or say."

John hesitated, and when he spoke his voice was thick with emotion. "I miss you so much, CJ. I'll see you on Friday."

A single tear escaped CJ's careful control, and her throat felt tight as she waited for her son to pick up the line. John couldn't even say he loved her anymore, and it sent a cloud of discouragement and sadness over CJ's head as she sat alone in her dim office. Maybe she'd lost John when he took up with Katie Witt nearly four years earlier, and maybe no amount of words exchanged between them, no amount of physical intimacy could bring them back to the way they'd been. CJ knew she'd never entirely be able to stop trying - and though she knew John could do a better job on his part, guilt was the overwhelming emotion she dealt with anytime her marriage was on her mind. CJ felt as if she should give up her career and her passion for politics if she wanted everything to be perfect again, but there was never any real guarantee that they could return to that. As she looked back with hindsight, CJ was coming to see that it had never been perfect to begin with.

~*~

Donna Moss-Lyman unlocked her townhouse door, stepping out of the October chill and into the warm living room of the spacious place she shared with her husband. It was relatively early, but Donna hoped that the baby would already be down for the night. She had a lot of paperwork to get through, and a good night's sleep wouldn't be totally unwelcome, for once.

"Josh?" Donna called out, draping her overcoat on the rack in the front hall.

"Hey, in the kitchen. I'm making a stew."

Donna chuckled. "Oh, jeez. Good thing I've already eaten."

Josh came out into the hallway holding a spoonful of something steaming. "Taste it."

"Josh! You're dropping it all over the hardwood!" Donna giggled, shooing her husband back into the kitchen where the floor wasn't quite so destructible. "Get a napkin."

Josh grinned sheepishly as he put the spoon back into the pot and moved to clean the spot in the hallway. From his knees, he looked up as Donna began unloading the contents of her briefcase on the kitchen table. It was her perpetual desk, and they'd long since stopped trying to contain work to the upstairs office. "How was work?"

"Good, how's Tiffany?"

"Sleeping since 8, if you can believe that," Josh announced, clearly proud of his ability to get the rambunctious two and a half-year-old to bed. He returned to the stove, and continued to stir his stew. A moment of quiet passed and Donna continued to organize her work before Josh spoke again. "Donna, did you get a call from Sam today? I told him you'd be at the office all day, when I spoke with him."

Donna looked over at her husband with some surprise. "Sam Seaborn? When did you two talk?"

"This afternoon - he wanted to set up a meeting."

Donna's curiosity was piqued and she hoped that her old friend was doing okay. Sam had been living in New York City since the end of the Hoynes Administration, hosting NBC's Meet the Press on Sunday mornings. He kept in touch pretty regularly, but Josh and Donna hadn't seen him since last Christmas. "A meeting? With me? But he called you? That's unusual."

Josh shook his head, his face written over with concern. "All he said was that he needed to tell you something and that he couldn't do it over the phone. He didn't even want to call your office. And that was it. He's coming down on Friday afternoon."

Donna didn't know what to think except that she smelled trouble. "But why would he call you and not me? That's so odd."

Josh turned off the stove, leaving his stew to cool. He looked Donna in the eye, dropping his tone. "I think something's gonna break, and Sam wants to give you guys a heads up. I don't know why he called me instead, but I guess you'll find out Friday."

Donna sighed heavily and crossed her arms tightly over her chest as she stared at the pile of paperwork decorating their kitchen table. "Great, because we could really use something breaking over our heads right now. Things are tight with the Medicare bill - I don't know what's going to happen, and I've got Senator Insane on my hands. You should have heard CJ tell off Kevin Keller tonight."

Josh chuckled and slipped his arms around his wife, giving her a tight squeeze. "Well, you know how CJ's always been a pistol. I'm sure she knows what she's doing. Donna, don't worry about Sam's thing. I'm sure it's nothing. Let's go check on Tiffany, and then we'll sample my stew," Josh decided with gusto, gesturing at the nearly-overflowing pot on the stove.

Donna giggled and slipped her arm around Josh's waist, steering them towards the hall that led to their daughter's room. "I'm not sampling anything you made from scratch, Joshua, not anything you made from scratch."

"I'm wounded," Josh mockingly pouted, following his wife down the hall. "I worked really hard on that stew."

Donna laughed quietly as they stopped outside the nursery door. "Your cooking skills could use some more of that work. Now shut up and check on your daughter."

Josh grinned and walked into the baby's dim room, pulling Donna inside with him. Tiffany Lyman, a cheerful child with dimples from her father and bright blonde hair from her mother, was sleeping soundly and peacefully. Donna had to smile at the sight of her child; her young innocence was enough to make all the worries fly straight from Donna's head.

~*~

When Donna walked into the Russell Senate Office Building after lunch the next afternoon, she was barely inside the main lobby when Margaret came speeding across the quiet marble foyer, her shoes wreaking a loud havoc on the floor.

"I couldn't get you on your cell, but your meeting with the border people got bumped to one o'clock," the redhead breathed out, waving a piece of paper at the blonde Chief-of-Staff.

Donna fell into step with Margaret as they rushed back towards CJ's office suite. Donna straightened her blouse and glanced down at her suit, making sure that she still looked okay. "So you're saying I'm late?"

"Yes."

"For a meeting with the border people?"

"Yep," Margaret confirmed.

"Please tell me that has something to do with the bookstore," Donna sighed, wishing she'd had time to do her research. She'd had a lunch meeting, and earlier in the morning she had been staffing CJ during an important Medicare hearing. The afternoon was scheduled wall-to-wall with constituent meetings and the day was completely jam-packed.

Margaret flipped through her omni-present scheduler. "Immigration and Border, not the bookstore. They want more money to help improve conditions in underdeveloped subdivisions that run along the Texas-Mexico border."

Donna glanced at her watch and sped up. "What's wrong with the current conditions?"

Margaret flipped through some of her notes, barely avoiding a run-in with another group of Senatorial staffers, all having meetings in the corridors as they rushed to and fro. "Conditions, conditions - let me see. Okay, open sewage problems, road and pavement issues, poor housing, and health problems, all on our side of the border."

"Figure estimate?" Donna responded.

"Six-hundred fifteen million," Margaret rattled off without missing a beat.

"Okay, we'll be able to tuck that into something, I'm sure," Donna murmured as she nodded a quick hello to a passing Senator.

They had reached the office suite, and as they swept past the Texas and American flags, as well as Carol's desk, Donna slipped out of her coat and tossed it towards the rack that they all shared. The coat missed the hook, and as she followed behind the Chief-of-Staff, Margaret caught the jacket and placed it securely on the rack. "So I should send them in?"

Donna settled behind her desk and shuffled around piles of paper, making some semblance of a space to put her laptop. "Yeah, now's fine. Where's the Senator?"

"On the floor, right now!" Margaret called, having moved out of Donna's line of sight. "Three minutes on the Appropriations bill."

Donna remembered the series of speeches being given regarding the over-flowing, most recent draft of the appropriations bill, and so she flipped on CSPAN and waited for her meeting to begin. As she watched CJ speaking fervently from a lectern on the Senate floor, Donna's thoughts turned briefly to Sam Seaborn. She had hoped he would give her a call this morning to explain his mysterious need to see her on such hushed terms, but so far there were no messages. Briefly contemplating calling him herself, Donna instead forced herself to focus on the meeting she was about to have; Josh was right - there was no sense in worrying. She would find out what Sam was up to on Friday.

~*~

John Hoynes had taken to watching CSPAN during afternoons when the Senate was in session. He found it interesting and fun, taking him back to a time when he himself stood out on the floor and made speeches of his own. It didn't hurt, John knew, that he was sure to catch an occasional glimpse of his wife. Today she was putting on quite a show with the three minutes she'd been allotted.

"....and many of my concerns about the current draft of the appropriations bill are the concerns of millions of American taxpayers. I believe the appropriations process has fallen apart. This is a mammoth bill born of a badly broken method and it is time to send this bill back to the drawing board, Mr. President! The course of action taken with this bill has essentially broken things down to an extent never seen before, opening the door to the worst kind of legislative abuses and special interest giveaways. This bill, this monstrosity, combines 7 appropriations bills, including five from Cabinet-level Departments, comprising $820 billion in Government spending. To agree to the unanimous consent request this morning, I believe, would represent a shocking abrogation of our responsibilities to the people of this country..."

John wasn't really listening, instead studying his wife's appearance. She didn't look tired or run down by her job; in fact, if anything, serving in the Senate had done well by CJ. She looked vibrant, healthy, and far younger than her years, a bright blue suit jacket beautifully setting off her eyes. Her hair was perfect, and her voice sounded commanding and professional; CJ had always been a wonderful public speaker, and absolutely stunning on top of that. John sighed wistfully as he tuned back in to what she was saying. "...furthermore, in order to allow the wasteful spending that the Republican leadership has insisted upon attaching to this bill means that the bill includes several damaging and offsetting cuts in many important policy areas. These cuts will result in 24,000 fewer children being served by Title I educational programs; 5,500 fewer kids will be able to attend Head Start; 26,500 fewer veterans will receive medical care; and $170 million will be cut from much needed highway construction projects. I could go on all day!"
John couldn't help but chuckle. He and all of Washington had no doubt that CJ would talk into the night if given the opportunity; John pitied members of the opposition to any issue that Senate Democrats might choose to filibuster. As CJ yielded the balance of her time to another Senator and the camera cut away, John's smile also faded. Seeing his wife only reminded him of the great chasm that they had somehow allowed to fester between them; John was also reminded that in less than two days, CJ would be down in Texas. John hadn't seen her since the end of August; the one visit she'd managed to make in the past five weeks had found John inconveniently out of town on the lecture circuit.

John thought about CJ's visit with both a great desire to see her, to have her physically near him, as well as with a nervous fear. What was he going to say to her? They had so much to work out, so much that they had chosen to ignore for the past two years. At first, they had simply denied that a problem existed, but as it became clearer that something was wrong, they both kept work and fear purposely in their way. It would be a big step just in talking about their marriage, and John hoped that some good might come of a discussion.

With a sigh, John flipped off the television and turned back to the laptop in front of him. Re-reading what he'd written, the former President sighed again and highlighted the text with his mouse. With one fell swoop, he hit the delete key. Trying to write his memoirs was not easy, not easy at all, especially when not even John knew how the story was going to end.

~*~

CJ was in the office at six o'clock on Friday morning, already hard at work when Donna came in at half-past the hour. CJ was sitting behind her desk, only a small lamp illuminating the room as she went through constituent mail marked as urgent. She had a member of her staff commissioned to read and reply to constituent mail, and though everyone who wrote a letter got some kind of response, certain few pieces of mail received special attention and a personal response from the Senator herself. When Donna popped her head into the office, she found CJ typing away on her laptop.

"You got an early start this morning," Donna noted, smiling as she unwound the scarf from her neck. It was an unusually chilly fall, and they'd been wearing coats and gloves since September.

CJ glanced up over the tops of her reading glasses. "Good morning. Yeah, I came in half an hour ago because I've got a flight to catch at five tonight."
Donna draped her coat over her arm and raised her eyebrows in surprise. "You're taking the weekend off? When did this happen?"

CJ was slow to respond as she finished up a sentence on her computer. They keys stopped clicking and she looked distractedly up at Donna. Pulling her glasses off, CJ sighed. "Oh, yeah, I'm going to the ranch. I just decided, day before yesterday. I need to, Donna; my daughter's misbehaving and John and I are finally going to make some time to just talk, so..."

Donna walked farther into the office and sank down on one of CJ's formal couches. "Addy's acting up?"

CJ shook her head. "I've been a terrible mother lately."

Donna leaned forward, her face written over with kindness. "No, CJ, you haven't been. You're supposed to be in twenty-seven places at once, and I think you do a damn good job."

CJ pushed her laptop closed and looked at Donna tiredly. "Which is probably part of the reason why my marriage is hanging by a string."

Donna bit her lip. She knew what CJ and John had been going through since Katie Witt and the election. "Still?"

CJ shrugged. "I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I really, honestly, have no idea what he wants. He's the one who won't come to Washington. We're fine when we're both in the same place at the same time, but it's John who keeps us apart."

Donna nodded and stood up. "Then go to Texas today, and find out what he does want," she offered, walking towards the door. "I have a meeting with Sam Seaborn at two o'clock," Donna mentioned with a slight grin, knowing that it would pick up CJ's mood.
CJ's face broke out into a grin. "Sam! What's he coming here for?"

Donna put up her hands. "No idea! He called Josh. I smell some trouble, but let's hope he's just in for a friendly visit."

CJ nodded. "You said two o'clock? I'll try to stop in."

Donna smiled. "Good. Hey, don't forget, you're with Tillotson at 8 o'clock, and Veteran's Affairs is holding a press conference at 9:30 that you might want to catch - I heard from Bobby Thompson that they're going to cite the stats you used on the floor last month."

CJ scribbled a note on the pad she kept on her desk. "Good ol' Bobby Thompson. It's about damn time. Thanks, Donna. Staff is when?"

"Seven-thirty!" Donna called from the hallway as she shut CJ's door and walked towards her own office. CJ was in a funny mood today, but she was always able to cover herself with work, bury herself under something in which she could make a difference. That was what CJ did, Donna realized, she made changes where she could in order to make up for the parts of her life that seemed beyond repair. With a sigh, Donna settled into her own office and began to get ready for the day.

~*~

Sam Seaborn loved his new job. Hosting Meet the Press on Sunday mornings was an honor, a responsibility Sam took great pride in. He'd always respected the job that reporters did, especially when it involved keeping politicians honest, and Sam strived everyday to make sure the truth got out. He did his research all week long by following every move of the White House and Congress; he booked his guests on Friday, sometimes even as late as Saturday night to stay in line with up-to-the-minute political movement. In the early hours before the show, he came up with the tough questions he wanted to ask, the questions that would lay it all out on the table. Not much was ever a surprise to Sam - he was thorough and he had an excellent research team that helped him stay on top of every breaking detail.

Being so proactive in seeking out the political truth was something that Sam knew might eventually put him in an awkward situation. Finding out information before it hit the public was exhilarating for Sam, though he often worried how he'd feel if he learned something that might damage a friend. That time had come, and though Sam knew he could hurt himself and his career by tipping Donna's ear, it hadn't stopped him from getting on the train that morning. As he flipped through the paper, his train speeding rapidly towards D.C., Sam hoped Donna and CJ would know what to do with his information; Sam hoped he could simply go back to New York and they would all pretend he'd never opened his mouth.

As Sam sat staring at the same page of the New York Times, again he wished that he and Donna were meeting out of the office. Sam really didn't like the idea of someone noticing him inside the Russell Senate Office Building, but Donna had insisted that he stop into their suite - CJ would want to say hi when she got a minute. And since Sam didn't let on how serious his visit really was, he hadn't argued too hard; he'd agreed to meet with Donna in her office at two o'clock sharp.

The train pulled into Union Station and nerves fell upon Sam as he tucked his paper into his briefcase, stood up, and prepared to catch the metro to Capitol Hill.

~*~

Vincent Carter watched CJ practically destroy an orange as she viciously but subconsciously tore the fruit from its peels while she spoke. Knowing how frustrating the current negotiations had been, Vince didn't blame the former First Lady for her stress, but he was beginning to feel for the orange.
"And furthermore, Oliver, you're treating me like I have no experience with Congressional politics. Trust me, Senator, I know how the committee system works!"

"Senator Hoynes, you have completely mischaracterized what I was saying. I am simply trying to point out that you might have more luck reaching a deal on this if you allow some of the more experienced members of the committee take a swing at it!" Senator Botrell responded, twisting his mouth up. He'd been in the Senate since CJ Cregg-Hoynes was Bartlet's Press Secretary, and he oftentimes resented the way she'd flown down from the White House after her husband's terms were up; she had entered the Senate with considerably more power than an average freshman Senator, and everyone treated her like a queen, cozying up to her and her pet projects. Botrell was getting sick of it.

As Botrell and CJ engaged in a heated staring contest, Vincent cleared his throat and leaned in, hoping to mediate between the two. "Senator Botrell, Senator Hoynes, we're all adult professionals here, and we have a job to do. I think this will get done faster and with more success if we work on attacking our opposition and not one another."

Botrell, a heavy and graying older man, stood up suddenly from the conference room table and gestured vaguely in CJ's direction. "I can't work with her on this, Vincent, she's not a team player."

"Thank you, Oliver, because sitting right here, I most *certainly* can't hear you when you speak." CJ retorted, eyeing a member of her own party with the contempt she usually reserved for hostile GOPers.

"Mrs. Hoynes, it's not just my opinion. There are more than few Senate Democrats who feel you've gotten a little high and mighty with your share of the power. You're only one out of a hundred, Ma'am, and you're not the First Lady anymore. It's about time that you wake up and meet reality."

As Botrell huffed out of the room, CJ turned to Vincent with something like amusement mixed with shock written on her face. "What the hell was that!?"

Vincent was stunned as he shook his head. "I have no idea."

"There are 'more than a few' Democrats who don't like me? No shit," CJ muttered, stacking her notes in a neat pile. She eyed the torn apart pieces of the orange peel with a frown before sweeping them into her hand. "Botrell's just a pussy who's afraid to fight the President on this."

Vincent chuckled, standing up. He was at a loss for what to do; CJ was hell-bent on having things her way, and though Vincent agreed one- hundred percent with her position, he wasn't sure CJ's method was going to get the work done. "I guess this meeting is indefinitely postponed, then?"

CJ rolled her eyes as she too stood up. "Well, hey, I don't know anything - I'm not a team player." She flung the orange peels into the trashcan and they landed with a violent thwack. CJ turned and looked Vincent straight in the eye. "Look, I care about this issue, and I know how much you do, too. If the rest of the committee wants to cuddle up with Harrington, fine. I say we co-sponsor our own bill. Hell, for all I care, we can hide some drug benefits in the woolly mammoth of an appropriations bill that's up right now. I doubt anyone would even notice."

Vincent nodded and reached out, giving CJ's elbow a firm and comforting squeeze. His dark eyes flashed, but they were also full of calm. "Take it easy. You have to calm down. We'll work this out. I'll talk to Botrell; I'll figure out where we're at with the President. But you're close to losing it, CJ, and as much as I enjoy watching it, you can't keep beating up on people in our own party."

CJ lowered her eyes, and Vincent's hand on her elbow felt like the weight of a million bricks. She covered his fingers with her own for a mere moment. "It'll be better after the weekend. I'm taking some time off."

Vince smiled tiredly, squeezing her arm one last time before letting go. "Good. I have a floor speech, but I'll come by to see you before you go."

CJ nodded and watched Senator Carter leave the conference room. Vince was right; CJ needed a break, she needed to relax. But it was going to be one hell of a fight with her husband and family at home in Texas, too. As she headed back to her office suite, her thoughts were suddenly filled with John, and CJ wasn't so sure going home would be relaxing at all.

~*~

Donna felt like she was going to be sick. If Sam was here, his source must have been pretty damn unshakeable; he wouldn't come to her with this if it were all just speculation. Glancing up to meet her old friend's eyes over the desk, Donna gulped in air as she found herself at a loss for words.

Sam leaned forward, his dark hair falling into his deep eyes. "Donna, look - I just knew I couldn't keep this to myself; I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I had let her get hurt without trying to stop it. So talk to CJ, talk to Toby. Talk to whoever ran finance for her campaign. Get Josh's legal opinion or the opinion of someone at his law firm. I don't know when this might drop, but CJ's in a fight with Harrington over this bill, and she's not alone. It's looking like the perfect time for someone - either the Republicans or someone who works for the President - to divert the public's attention with a scandal."

Donna ran her hand distractedly through her hair as mind fought with this information. "Someone has actual documentation to prove this, Sam? You've seen it?"

Sam shook his head but his eyes were firm. "No, I haven't seen it, but the source who tipped me has some kind of proof and I sure as hell believe it."

"Proof that CJ made illegal contributions into her own campaign?" Donna repeated, trying to force some sense into it all.

Sam swallowed and spoke slowly, deliberately, aware that Donna was having a hard time processing what he'd told her. "I was told that CJ put money into the campaign's account in her *own* name, but used money from John Hoynes' oil fortune to finance it. Breaking any number of FEC laws, including the one that prohibits individual donations over two-thousand dollars. Including the one that prohibits contributions that come from a source other than the name they are donated under. It wasn't her money, and it was apparently more than two thousand dollars."

"I can't believe that CJ would have done that," Donna murmured. "I know we had a different financial manager the second time around, but I really can't believe-"

Sam's eyes widened. "It really doesn't matter one way or another if it's true - someone's going to assert that it is, and then you're going to be spending all your time denying it or investigating it. Someone's looking to stir up trouble. And if it is true, you've got a lot more to worry about than PR issues. Prosecution. Jail time. Who knows?"

Donna looked pleadingly at Sam as she clenched her hands together. "There's no way you can tell me who your source is?"

Sam closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair, fraught. "I've already told you more than I feel comfortable with. I'm a member of the press, Donna. It's usually not in my best interest to stop a good story from coming across my desk, but this is a loyalty thing for me."

Donna nodded and stood up. "I really appreciate your coming down here to tell me this, Sam. I really do. I'm going to talk to CJ as soon as I can."

Sam nodded vigorously. "You know how to do this. Get it out there early, and get it out there yourself. Control the story."

At that moment, the office door flew open to reveal CJ herself. "Sam!"

Sam jumped up and forced a smile, hoping she wouldn't notice the tension in the room. "Senator!"

CJ grinned widely as they hugged. "It's been too long. You need to get down here more often!"

Sam said nothing as they parted, and CJ glanced between her old friend and her Chief of Staff. "Donna? What's going on?"

Donna's face was a dead giveaway that something was amiss, and Sam was clearing his throat strangely. Donna finally found her voice just as CJ was about to demand that they tell her what was wrong. "CJ, you might want to sit down. We have to talk about something."

~*~

CJ sat back against the leather seat of the town car and took a deep breath. She was just minutes from the gate of the ranch, just minutes from her husband and children. She hated that she was distracted and anxious over the news Donna and Sam had dropped on her just hours ago; CJ had spent the entire car ride to the ranch on the phone with Donna, wracking their collective brain over campaign finance details that were two years old. To CJ, the plane-ride had felt like an endless stretch of time in which she was unable to do anything about the new problem that had just reared its ugly head.

Being proactive was important in politics, and the only thing CJ could think about was getting in touch with Toby to find out what he knew. For her part, CJ could recall no such transactions like the one Sam had described. She'd never personally made contributions to her campaign, and she had certainly never used John's money for that purpose. Still, CJ knew nothing was out of the question when the press wanted to cause trouble. Donna had warned CJ to keep her head in Texas, with the people that needed her most this weekend - Donna would deal with the problem in Washington, promising to talk to Toby and the campaign finance director, Stephen Perry. Perry was an old friend of Toby's, and if anyone could straighten the facts out, it was the two of them. Donna also promised to get Josh's legal expertise, swearing that she would update CJ frequently by phone. Other than that, CJ knew there was nothing she could do from the ranch. It was important, this weekend, to give John and the kids her full attention.

"Senator, would you like me to pull up front or around back?" the driver asked, glancing back via his rear-view mirror.

CJ snapped out of her thoughts. "The front is closer. I can get out there," she nodded, noticing that they were already inside of the gates. She'd been so wrapped up in her worries that she hadn't realized her own arrival.

As the car slowed to a stop in front of the palatial, white stucco two-story spread, CJ watched her daughter bound out of the double doors, her curly head of hair bouncing as she sprinted towards the car. CJ didn't wait for the driver to get the door, but instead, flew out of the car just in time to scoop Addy up into a tight hug. Without the height that most of the Hoynes' laid claim to, Addy was still small enough for CJ to easily pick up, and she did so with a great intensity born out of their separation.

"I've been waiting for you all day!" Addy cried, squeezing her arms enthusiastically around CJ's neck.

CJ smiled against her daughter's unruly hair and began walking towards the house. "I missed you so much, Adds, you have no idea. We're going to spend the whole weekend together, I promise," CJ murmured, grinning as she saw Riley and John waiting in the doorway.

Shifting Addy onto her hip, CJ reached out her now-free arm to pull Riley close. "How could you have grown so much in just one month?" she asked, looking down into his dark eyes. Riley was looking more and more like John as he grew up, and CJ swallowed hard to keep the tears out of her eyes.

"I'm gonna be taller than you one day, Mom!" Riley decided sliding his arms around her waist. "That's what Dad says."

CJ slid Addy out of her arms as she grew too heavy, and after the little girl's feet were safe on the ground CJ looked up to meet John's eyes. "Your father is right, Ri, you're gonna be quite a guy."

John stepped forward and put his hands carefully on CJ's waist, a mild, thoughtful expression crossing his face. He looked tired, worn and much older than she remembered. It startled CJ, but she said nothing as John pulled her close. "You look amazing."

CJ blushed as she settled into John's embrace, stunned that his arms could feel so familiar, even with all the tension that lay between them. Tightening her grip on his shoulders, CJ squeezed hard, hoping the weekend could dissolve all of their troubles.

~*~

"So!" CJ said as she picked up the fat, juicy hamburger John had just taken off the grill. They were outside, enjoying the warm Texas evening, having dinner at the table on the stone patio by the pool. "I hear that someone has become quite the soccer star."

Riley smiled smugly as John sat down with his plate. "Mom, you gotta come to the next game. You gotta! We're gonna crush!"

CJ smiled and handed Addy a napkin; she had ketchup dripping from her chin. "I'm going to try really hard to get there next time. I promise. But I've seen you play, Riley."

"You saw him play last summer," John corrected her quietly. "He's improved so much since then. And don't promise him if you can't be there, CJ."

CJ glanced slowly over at her husband, wishing he'd keep his mouth closed and save the arguments for later. She didn't want the kids to know that something was wrong, but John had been nearly silent since she'd arrived, and somewhat morbid, melancholy when he said anything at all. CJ decided not to respond, instead turning back to Riley. "Honey, you understand that sometimes it's hard for me to be here with you when I have to work in Washington, right? It's not that I don't want to see you play, but it's pretty far away."

Riley nodded quickly, happily. "I know, Mom, that's why Dad brings his video camera! Later you can watch the tapes with me! I made *two* goals at the last game!"

CJ grinned. "We'll watch after dinner. I can't wait." Riley seemed genuinely unbothered by his mother's distance, but as CJ looked over at her daughter, she saw an entirely different situation. "Adds, what do you want to do this weekend?"

Addy looked up from her burger, her eyes wide as she glanced between her father and her mother. "Dad said I might be allowed to go back with you."

CJ bit her lip. Taking Addy back to Washington while Riley and John stayed in Texas would simply intensify the split that had occurred in her family. "Baby, what's wrong with it here? Don't you like your school?"

"She talks back to her teachers. And last week, she slapped Ricky Johnson on the playground!" Riley began to laugh, finding the whole situation that his sister had created at school to be hysterical.

CJ's eyes grew large as she elbowed her husband. "John, you didn't tell me that!" Turning to Addy, CJ leaned forward. "Addison, you cannot, cannot, cannot hit people! You know better. Why did you do that!?" CJ was at a loss; she couldn't really believe that the little girl in front of her was capable of violence.

Addy got up on her knees and leaned forward, too, matching CJ's aggression. "'Cause! He's stupid! The teacher's are stupid, too! Everyone is stupid!"

CJ was taken aback by her daughter's shrieking scream, but John seemed unmoved. Riley was still laughing, but Addy looked ready to cry. CJ stood up and held her hand out to her daughter. "C'mere. We're going to step inside and talk for a minute. Guys, finish up and then we'll watch Riley's soccer video."

Addy slid off of her chair, crossed her arms over her chest and with a pout, marched inside, ignoring CJ's outstretched hand. With a look of shock on her face, CJ turned back to John. "Is this how you've been dealing with this? By ignoring it? Letting it go?"

John looked up from his dinner, his face blank and his voice hollow. "She's a mini version of you, Sweetheart."

CJ spun around without a response for John, disgusted at his attitude and worried about her daughter's. She went into the house without a word, scared and upset. Things were a lot worse at the Texas ranch than CJ had even dreamed to imagine.

~*~

Addy was in her room, sitting quietly on the bed and looking through a pink photo album, one that she had started keeping during their last year at the White House. The advanced and bright eight-year-old was totally unfazed when CJ walked in and sat down on the bed; the little girl only looked casually up at her mother and closed the picture book with a slow, tired motion.

"I want to go back to Washington," she stated in a small but confident voice, her pretty face full of expectation. "I'm not staying here."

CJ breathed in deeply and took Addy's little hand in hers. Dropping her voice to serious levels, CJ locked eyes with her daughter. "I need you to tell me what's been going on here. I feel like something is wrong but no one will tell me what it is. Addy, please. You're a big girl and I know you understand a lot more than everyone thinks you do."

Addy lowered her eyes, and twisted her small mouth up. "Dad's so weird now, Mom. He's always in his office and when he comes out he's so moody and sad. He never plays with me like he used to. He won't listen to me play the piano, and-" Addy stopped suddenly, her tone still neutral, but her eyes belying the emotions she was associating with the situation. "And he always has a funny smell, and Riley thinks it's-"

CJ gripped Addy's fingers as fear shot through her veins. CJ knew instantly and exactly what her daughter was trying to describe. John was drinking again. "A funny smell? Oh my God."

Addy sighed heavily and crept closer to her mother. "Am I in trouble?"

CJ squeezed her eyes shut as Addy crawled into her lap. Wrapping her arms around the little girl, CJ wondered how much more she could take. The Medicare bill, Sam's news and now this - CJ couldn't believe everything was crashing down on her at exactly the same time, but here it was, her world falling apart just when it needed to come together the most.

"No, Baby, you're not in trouble," CJ whispered, holding her daughter tight. "But maybe coming back to Washington with me wouldn't be such a bad idea. Riley, too."

~*~

It was eleven o'clock and both Riley and Addy were asleep in their beds. CJ wrapped her robe tightly around her body as she exited the bathroom, hitting the lights and moving into the bedroom. John was on the bed, flipping through channels on the television. When he saw his wife enter the room, he immediately turned of the television, killing the noisy chatter from the set.
The room was dim without the blue light from the television, and as CJ stood at the foot of the bed, she realized that it had come to this. He was drinking again, wallowing in whatever he was feeling, drowning his troubles in alcohol. It had to be bad, CJ realized, if her eight-year-old had been able to figure it out. CJ felt like she might burst with the weight of it, and as John sat on the bed looking at her, she just couldn't keep quiet. "John. God! What are you doing?"

John sat up a bit more and leaned forward. His tone was soft, mellow, and passive. CJ felt sick just hearing him talk this way, so slowly and so lazily; she should have seen before how odd, how out of character, how *drunk* he seemed. "I'm just waiting for you to come to bed. I know you're upset with me, but I'd really like to sleep in the same bed with you. We don't have to - you know, but it'd be nice to just -"

CJ flung herself onto the mattress, crawling up to John, getting in his face. She put her hands on his shoulders and shook him, hard. "John! You're not fooling anyone anymore! Maybe I didn't know because I'm not here, but I know now! I know why you won't come be with me in Washington! I know why Addy's always acting out! I know, John! Christ! They can *smell* you, God-damn-it!"

John said nothing. He simply stared at her, his face completely free from emotion. CJ felt herself snapping inside.

"What are you doing?? Are you drunk right now!? Why, John? Give me an answer!" Her eyes were streaming with tears now, her rage turning into sobs of desperation. "Don't let your life go to shit, John!"

"I can't help it," he muttered, half-heartedly pushing CJ off of him.

She was back in an instant, her fingers gripping his arms with the rage of concern. "I love you! I'm not gonna let this go on, and if you think I am, you're even crazier than I guessed!"

John swallowed, his head buzzing. He couldn't explain it to her; it was unexplainable. Ever since he'd left the White House and CJ essentially left him for the United States Senate, John felt like his life was going down the toilet. His wife was gone, his children were always missing her, and his attempt at writing his memoirs was headed towards total failure - John felt useless, discarded, replaced by everyone. It hadn't been so hard, he'd found, to let his troubles drown in alcohol. It was addictive, it was numbing, and it was the easiest of escapes. All the years of fighting against drunkenness were zapped away with a few shots and a steady string of nights spent alone in his office with a bottle and a shot glass. Instead of words, now, John simply pulled CJ on top of him, squeezing his arms around her tightly. He didn't want to let her go, for if he did, John knew he might lose her forever.

~*~
"You've got to stop drinking, John. You have got to promise me you'll stop drinking," CJ gasped, clinging tightly to her husband as he held squeezed her too close to him.

Rolling them over so that CJ was pinned underneath of him, John pressed his mouth wetly and hotly against his wife's, his mind focused only on making her forget that he'd committed the worst of sins.

"John!" CJ moaned, turning her head so that his mouth fell onto her neck instead. She felt sick at the taste of his tongue, saturated in something forbidden, something like danger. "John, stop it, please! Look at me!"

He stopped kissing her and stared down into CJ's eyes, vaguely aware of the pleading look she was forcing upon him. John sighed and rolled off of her, his head falling against the pillow. CJ sat up and hovered over him, her voice desperate, full of tears as she gripped his torso.

"John, what am I supposed to do? You have to tell me why it's come to this. You have to tell me what to do, because I don't know if I can-"

John felt like he was swimming in a fog, and his voice was rough, slow and dried out as his words finally came. "Okay. I'll admit it. I drink now. A lot. And I like it that way. It takes care of all my problems. No one really seems to care. No one even seems to notice."

CJ felt like smacking her husband, so hard that his senses might return. Instead, she came up with more tears, her arms holding tightly to John's body. "Oh, John, you couldn't be more wrong. You don't know how much we all do care. And if you think no one noticed, think again. Thank God your daughter is as sharp as she is, or you might have been able to hide from me forever."

John was struck by the sadness in his wife's voice, and he suddenly noticed her tears. Pulling her closer to him again, he tucked her head under his chin and gripped her shoulders. "I'm sorry, CJ. But I think this might be too hard to fix," he mumbled.

"Whatever you think we can't fix, I promise you we can," CJ responded, sniffling as her eyes continued to flood. She wished she could turn back the clock two years; she wished she could go back to the beginning and do everything all over again, just so this moment might never have existed. All of her troubles in Washington seemed so trite and inconsequential as she clung to her husband, a man once great now clearly falling to pieces. None of it was worth this, CJ realized, none of it had been worth seeing John come to this.

"We're so far away from where we used to be. We let everything go. It seemed like it didn't matter to you, so I pretended like it didn't matter to me. It does matter, but I don't know how to make you know that. I don't know what to do. I don't really understand much of anything anymore," John rambled. CJ felt like he was mostly thinking aloud, but she let him continue. "And drinking is the only thing I do understand. It just makes sense, CJ, not to you, but to me. It just makes sense."

CJ pulled herself up in John's arms, still wrapped in his hold. She took his chin in her hand and forced him to focus on her. She felt like she was an inch away from choking on her tears, but she knew she had to show John that she could be strong for the both of them. "Please don't say that. I love you more than you know, John. We'll get you help and we'll make you better. I'll be here for you every step of the way."

John closed his eyes, the pain behind his eyes sharp and stinging. He was getting used to the effects of his inflamed alcoholism, and though tonight he'd only managed to sneak a few quick shots of coconut rum while CJ was putting the kids to bed, John knew he was capable of totally destroying himself. For the first time in many nights, however, that didn't seem like such a comforting fate. "Oh, shit, CJ, you gotta help me," John moaned, the words bursting forth, his true self cracking through the drunken blur that had become his façade. "I don't want to do this to myself any more, but it's making me crazy to think about stopping."

CJ was terrified, her stomach seized with shock and fear. Everything was becoming clearer and clearer as the pieces of the puzzle fell into place; John's visits to Washington becoming more and more infrequent, his phone calls sporadic, and his attitude and mood constantly changing when they did speak - guilt washed over CJ as she stroked her husband's hair, trying to comfort him when she herself was the one in need of some soothing. She should have realized what was happening; she should have seen it coming. "Shh, don't think about anything right now, John. We're going to go to sleep, and in the morning, we're going to figure out what to do. Together."

John murmured something inaudible while CJ reached up to flick off the lamp. As the room was bathed in darkness, CJ settled her head back against John's chest, trying to calm down as John's breathing began to even out. He soon fell asleep, but CJ lay awake all night long, clinging to John as her thoughts swirled around and around, uncertainty tainting the night. When the sun came up in the morning, CJ was still awake to see it, and careful and quietly, she crawled out of the bed. Standing by the window, she watched the sun tint the sky and bring light into the Texas morning.

A deep breath later, CJ was moving quietly out of the bedroom and across the hall into John's study. She stopped, stunned in her tracks at the sight of the shot glass and half-empty bottles of hard liquor lining the desktop. CJ was caught completely off guard, shocked at how much John had managed to stock pile; on the low shelf behind the desk she found a fresh supply, as- yet untouched bottles of Stolichnaya, Parrott's Bay, Southern Comfort and Jack Daniel's. With her stomach turning at the illicit sight of so much alcohol, CJ shakily found the desk chair. Sitting down nervously, CJ began to flip through John's rolodex as she tried to ignore the strong stench of alcohol that was trapped inside the airless office.

Picking up the phone, CJ began to dial the number, knowing that when he answered and found out what was wrong, Bruce Mayer wouldn't care that she was calling at 5:30 in the morning. If anyone would know what to do, it was John's former Chief-of-Staff. They'd been college roommates and best friends ever since; CJ knew of no one else she should turn to at a time like this.

"Bruce? Hi, it's CJ."

~*~

It was high noon and the Texas heat was sweltering. The children were in the pool, occupied for the moment, and CJ used the few precious moments that she had alone with John to ask him to go to rehab. He stood on the patio, leaned against the stone wall that separated the hot tub from the grill, and stared blankly out at the pool. CJ waited expectantly as her children splashed happily and loudly in the background; John was watching them and trying to ignore his wife's request.

"I take it this isn't really a choice?" he finally grunted harshly, glancing over at his wife, who was wearing her bathing suit and a towel.

CJ sighed desperately and lowered her sunglasses, pulling the shades from her face. "John, I came here this weekend to spend time with my children, and I don't want them to know that something of this magnitude is wrong with our lives. But I'm sick to my stomach and I didn't sleep a wink last night. I'm fighting with everything I've got to keep things normal, but you've gotta give me a hand. Please."

John turned his body towards CJ and he looked her in the eye. His nonchalant attitude fell away as his hands reached out to take hers. His voice was genuine when he spoke, genuine for the first time since CJ had been in Texas. "Claudia, I'm so sorry. So sorry. I'll be honest and tell you that this is the first morning in months that I've spent without the benefit of a few shots and a screwdriver. You'll have to forgive me for being - however I'm being."

CJ squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed the lump in her throat as she pressed herself against her husband. Lacing her arms around his middle, CJ held John tightly and brushed her lips against his. "You don't have to apologize, John. But Bruce is coming here this afternoon. He told me that he can get you into a 28-day detoxification program out in Arizona that will take complete care of your privacy."

John nodded and slid his hands over CJ's back, pressing a kiss to the top of her head as Riley and Addy began yelling for CJ to hurry up. John sighed. "Go. Play in the pool with your kids. I don't think they can wait much longer."

CJ agreed, reluctantly slipping away from John. She wanted to ask him to stay out on the patio with them, fearful of what he might do inside the house should she let him alone for even a minute. But John was a grown man, and he'd beaten the challenge that was the Presidency of the United States. He would also have to learn to beat the challenge that rested in alcohol; he would have to learn to say no to the one consistent thing that had been in his life for the better part of the past two years. He would have to do that by himself, for himself, and on his own terms. CJ knew she would be there for John every step of the way should he need her, but as she slipped into the pool, she hoped he would be able to see the good in his life for himself.

~*~

Donna was spending her Saturday in the office, Toby Ziegler constantly connected by phone. He and Donna continually commented back and forth as they both went through whatever campaign records were on hand, trying to search out the truth behind what Sam claimed was about to become a public accusation.

"Toby, I had all the telephone and e-mail records transferred to the storage office here. I have all those documents in the office with me, now, but I'm almost positive that all the financial information was sent with Stephen when he went back to New York. I am surprised we don't have our own copies of that here, but it looks like we don't."

Toby's rough and familiar voice streamed through the speakerphone. "I'm looking at the transfer log that I put together during that last week in Fort Worth. I'm pretty sure, too, that Perry has the financial documentation we'd need to look through in order to straighten this out. I seem to recall that he insisted on taking care of everything himself - he didn't want to this stuff going to Washington with CJ."

"But, Toby, you said Stephen doesn't have them, either!" Donna felt like an anvil was pressing down on her chest. She stood up from the floor, where she'd been laying out the documents, and flopped down in her desk chair.

Toby sounded as frustrated as Donna felt. "That's what he said when I talked to him! Either he misplaced them, came down with amnesia, or he's a lying son-of-a-bitch."

"Three guesses, right?" Donna took a deep breath. "We have to get this paperwork, Toby. We have to make an announcement before Sam's source does - and we have to be able to provide the press with actual documentation."

"You don't have to tell me, Donna, I know that this is bad. I also have a pretty good feeling that CJ's clean. There's something fishy going on here, and I have a hunch that Perry's will be at the bottom of it all."

Donna's urgent voice flooded into Toby's ear. "We have to get to Stephen Perry before this breaks. I can be in New York in three hours."

"I'll meet you in Grand Central," Toby immediately agreed. "Call me when you're close and I'll start gearing up for a fight."

Donna chuckled wryly. "Like we're not used to that. See you soon."

~*~

Sunday morning found CJ alone in bed, the large master suite feeling empty and hollow. John had left the night before at nearly midnight, Bruce escorting him out to Arizona under the cover of darkness. CJ couldn't bring herself to tell her children the truth, so Addy and Riley knew nothing except that they were moving back to Washington for the foreseeable future. Addy was thrilled to bits at the news, and she'd packed nearly all of her clothes before she'd gone to bed. Riley was bitter, horribly upset that he'd be forced to leave his beloved soccer team, and he'd gone to bed in silence, anger. The promise of a new team in D.C. did nothing to soothe the boy's mood, and CJ felt like she was in a war with all sides.

After John had left, Donna and Toby had called from New York. They'd been unable to locate the financial records from the campaign, and Donna had hopped a train to Manhattan late Saturday afternoon; CJ was disturbed to find that Stephen Perry had skipped town, his apartment abandoned and nearly empty when Toby and Donna had gone over to see if they could crack the case. They'd called the police, but the next step, Toby and Donna had deduced, was to locate and scour the bank records John kept at the ranch; details about any transactions of John's personal money into CJ's Texas campaign might shed light on the legality or illegality of any such activity. CJ had promised to look into it, and as she lay in bed while the six o'clock sun shattered shards of light over the bedspread, CJ realized that she was exhausted.

Along with the call from Donna and Toby, Vincent Carter had left CJ a voice message that she could only characterize as troubling. It wasn't smart, he reasoned logically, to play with fire during the midterm election period. They should back off of Harrington and Kevin Keller; they should let Oliver Botrell take charge of the new Medicare bill and mark it up the way he and the President saw fit. They had to pick and choose their fights, Vincent's calm and deep voice had reminded CJ, and together they had already burned enough bridges to last them into the next election cycle. Just the thought alone of returning Vincent's call zapped nearly all of CJ's energy.

With a sigh, she rolled over and buried her head into John's pillow. It smelled of his cologne and something else, something sharp and bitter. Alcohol. CJ shuddered and flung the pillow off of the bed, tears stinging in her eyes. He was gone from her, again, more now than ever. Off in Arizona for twenty-eight days, twenty-eight days during which he'd be totally cut off, with minimal contact. It sent CJ heartsick, and as she slid further down under the soft sheets, CJ wondered how the hell she was going to get out of bed, much less make it through the week.

~*~

CJ was on the phone with Donna while simultaneously trying to supervise the mass packing that was involved with leaving the ranch. Not knowing how long the kids might be with her in the Watergate apartment, CJ had instructed them to put together as much of their belongings as they could; hoping that John might agree to stay with her full-time in Washington after his rehab, CJ didn't want to leave much behind here in Texas.

"Donna, listen, I went through his bank statements this morning, and I'm brining everything back with me. I already faxed the pertinent stuff to Toby - John has kept meticulous records, and he's got them dating back to the 1980s. An attorney is free to look through this, but I found a couple of transactions that don't look quite right to me. Hold on, Donna - Riley! Get off your butt and put the rest of your clothes into that last bag!" CJ yelled, covering the phone with her hand as she marched from the hallway into Riley's room. She felt like she was losing everything - patience, control, and most of all, her sanity.

Riley was sitting sullenly on his bed, staring angrily at the floor. "No."

CJ gritted her teeth and uncovered the phone. "Sorry, Donna. I'm going through what might charitably be characterized as a crisis."

Addy sounded in the background, asking if she could bring her dollhouse. "What the hell's going on?" Donna wondered aloud; it sounded as the Hoynes household was quickly losing the glue holding it together.

"We don't have room for the dollhouse now, but we can get it shipped up to us, okay, Adds?" CJ leaned against the wall in Riley's room and sighed, returning her attention to the phone. "The kids are coming back to D.C. with me. John is - not going to be around for a little while."

Donna's jaw dropped. "Are you two splitting up?" she asked in a soft voice, worry and nerves coming over her. If that was the case, Donna knew they'd have a lot more to deal with in the press than campaign finance.

"No, no, we're not. But I can't explain now - I'll have to talk to you when I get back."

"All right, try not to stress out any more than I know you already are. Good luck, CJ."

"Thanks," CJ murmured, hanging up the phone. "I'll need it. You!" she cried, pointing at her son. "Pack this stuff. Now. I'm not doing it for you."

"Then I guess it's not getting packed," Riley said heavily as he flopped onto his back against the mattress, totally ignoring CJ. He jolted back up into a sitting position as CJ slammed the bedroom door - hard.

"Riley, look at me, please," she demanded in a soft voice, kneeling down on the floor beside where her son sat on the bed. "I don't like doing this. I know how important your soccer team is, but Dad can't take care of you for a little while, so you've got no choice."

Riley was smart; he knew something terrible had happened - he knew that John had left in the middle of the night, and he even thought he knew why. Still, Riley couldn't quite bring himself to talk about it with his mother, so he was masking his fear and worry with hostility. "Can't I just stay with Grandma and Grandpa?"

CJ briefly closed her eyes as she squeezed Riley's hand. John's parents were getting into their eighties and totally unequipped to deal with a ten-year-old, much less two children at the same time. "Honey, you've gotta come back to Washington with me. I'm really sorry."

Riley finally looked at his mother and he saw tears in her eyes. The boy breathed out carefully, almost imperceptibly before asking the million- dollar question. "Is Dad gonna be okay?"

CJ wasn't sure how to respond, and it took her a few moments to find the right words. "Ri, your father is - he just needs a little help right now, for some things that he does that aren't so good for him. He-"

"Drinks of a lot of alcohol?" Riley blurted out, his pulse leaping as he finally said the words aloud.

CJ felt like her heart had dropped into her stomach. She'd never explained John's alcoholism to her son and certainly not to her daughter - Riley had been just a baby when the news had broken publicly, Addy then just a coming discovery. And it had never truly been an issue that had been a part of their young lives - until now. CJ felt dampness on her cheeks and she knew she was crying as she tried to explain their troubled world to her son. "Riley, your father isn't supposed to drink alcohol."

"But he does anyway?" Riley asked, raising his brow. He knew all about his father's alcoholism, thanks to the Internet and the dozens of ten- year-old news stories archived on newspaper sites across the country. Riley had come across the information one summer afternoon when he'd decided to do a random Google search on his family's last name. The secret he'd discovered had stayed with him, plaguing him more and more in the days since.

CJ swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded. "He's been drinking lately, yes, but the good thing is that he can be helped, Honey. If he works real hard and does what he's supposed to do, he'll be better."

Riley looked gravely into his mother's face. "Okay."

CJ wiped her cheeks off, feeling subconscious and guilty for crying in front of her son - her son who clearly knew and understood more than anyone gave him credit for. Standing up, CJ held out her hand for Riley to take. She knew her voice sounded choked, but there was nothing CJ could to do stop her emotion. Sniffing a bit, she tried to pull herself together for Riley's benefit. "C'mon, I'll help you finish packing."

Riley nodded, as he slid off the bed, looking up to find his sister standing in the doorway. She'd been there the whole time, and her face was written over with a solemn seriousness fitting for the moment. Wordlessly the eight-year-old walked into the room and began to hand Riley things to put into his suitcase. CJ said nothing, and the three silently finished packing for their trip to Washington, the only real home these children had ever known.

~*~

On Monday morning, CJ paced the length of her Senate office, a cell phone locked between her ear and her shoulders. Holding a stapled stack of message slips, nearly twenty thick, CJ felt like she was about to emotionally unravel - and it was only quarter after nine.

"So, you're saying you can take my daughter, but there's no room in the 5th grade class?" CJ sighed, shooting Carol a pleading look as the brunette stepped into the office. "Okay, I would really, really appreciate that. If you need to get in touch with me, the best way, I think, would be through my Senate office. I'll be sure to get the message. Okay, thank you."

Carol took the cell phone from CJ. "Fifth grade is full?"

CJ blew the air out of her lungs, not at all surprised when her anxiety remained. "Yeah, but the fourth grade isn't, so we're okay on Addy. The principal said he was going to do his very best to see if they can make a special allowance for Riley, though. Said he's always admired our family, whatever the hell that means."

Carol tried to smile comfortingly; she could see how stressed out CJ was over everything going on at the moment. "CJ, it's going to be fine. They went to that school from the beginning. Don't worry."

CJ sighed as she settled behind her desk. She wanted to agree with Carol, but at the moment, there was nothing CJ wasn't worrying about. "Speaking of children, where are they?" CJ wondered aloud, realizing she hadn't seen Riley or Addy in at least an hour. They were supposed to be playing in one of the conference rooms within the suite, but CJ had her doubts.

A moment after Carol exited with a promise to locate them, Vincent Carter walked though the office door, hand-in-hand with Addy. "Look who I found, Senator," he grinned, flashing his eyes warmly at CJ.

CJ leapt up from her desk, mouth agape, one side curling into a smile. "Addy! Did you go wandering?"

Vincent chuckled. "She was in the main lobby of the Russell building playing on the baby grand. She was giving quite the performance of, I think it was, Chopin."

CJ knelt down, eye to eye with her daughter. "Addison Elizabeth. Didn't I ask you to sit quietly with your brother?"

Addy glanced up at Vince and then back to her mother. "It sounded like more of a suggestion," she stated casually.

CJ stood up and rolled her eyes at Vince. "It was more of a suggestion," she explained tiredly, humored as she took her daughter's hand. "Chopin, huh?"

"It was part of my last recital, remember?" Addy explained, slipping her hand out of CJ's. "Can I sit with Aunt Carol?"

"I'm sure she'd love that," CJ laughed, turning her attention to Carter as Addy scampered out of the office. "God, someone needs to just, you know, kill me now."

"They're in town for a while, I take it?" Vince asked quietly, glancing back to make sure that Addy was no longer within earshot.

CJ nodded and glanced at the floor. "Yeah, you know, John's taking a little - a little time off," she managed, knowing she wasn't covering too well, but Vince wasn't one to ask questions - or so CJ thought.

Vince dipped his head to meet CJ's down-turned eyes. "Time off? To go to drug and alcohol rehab, maybe?"

CJ felt like a thousand bullets had just hit her square in the chest, and her head darted up at an unnatural pace. Her eyes were stunningly wide as she took in Vince's handsome but grim expression. "What the hell!? Oh my God, Vince, how would you even-how did you-who told you that he was-?"

Vince's hands shot out to squeeze CJ's shoulders, hoping to placate her for the moment. "Shhhh, take it easy! I was in Senator Burton's office, and her press aide - you've met Sheryl Reed - she wanted me to tell you that this is out there - on an internet message board from a barely-known political website based out of Flagstaff. Burton's local Arizona staff keeps tabs on stuff like this, but bigger media's gonna pick it up, soon. She would have told you herself, but she didn't want to intrude on your privacy, and she knows you and I are close."

CJ leaned forward, bracing her arms against Vince's broad shoulders. He was unsurprised by her momentary shakiness, and after she had steadied herself, CJ could do nothing but bury her face in her hands, a giant sob escaping her control. There it was, CJ realized, the one battle she couldn't turn into a fight for a worthy cause. Her husband, the former President of the United States, was drowning in his own worst demons. Having the world knowing, too, was like kicking a man when he was down; it was going to torture everyone close to John. CJ felt her head swimming, her heart pounding, her stomach clenching as darkness filled her world from every possible angle.

Vincent felt his heart breaking for CJ. He knew her life at the White House, as First Lady, had been anything but a picnic; Vince always suspected there was so much more the Hoynes lure than met the eye. There was a lot buried under CJ's tough exterior, and so carefully, as she cried pitifully against her fingers, the Florida Senator gently took CJ into his arms. She did not resist, grateful that she could cry and just be weak, for even a small moment. Her tears soaked into Carter's suit jacket, and as the moments faded into one another, Vince held CJ tightly and questioned the fates that kept bringing her hard times.

~*~

Dinner on Monday, for Riley and Addison Hoynes, consisted of McDonald's Happy Meals and all the candy from the basket Carol kept on her desk. As the two children sat munching on their fast food and sugar, outside in the lobby, CJ was huddled around Margaret's desk while Donna and Toby, by speakerphone, outlined their newly-formed plan of action.

"Ok, CJ, you've got to have a press conference tomorrow morning. This will be all over tonight's news, and obviously, the morning shows tomorrow, so we've got to get out there by 8 am. Dispense of the rehab story first. Yes, it's true, but you and your husband are entitled to privacy during what is obviously not the easiest time," Donna ticked off, offering CJ a strong pair of supportive eyes.

"I'd suggest refusing to answer any further questions on the matter," Margaret commented quietly, terribly concerned for CJ and the multiple situations hovering over their office.

Toby cleared his throat, and everyone looked at the phone. "CJ, I went through everything you faxed me. It looks to me like Stephen Perry took money out of your husband's accounts during the two different occasions John allowed Perry to vet his financial records. Do you remember that, when we did a financial disclosure?"

"Yeah, I do, but John never noticed anything wrong," CJ responded numbly; she had little energy left in her mind or body, and her emotions were shot, frazzled. "I guess this is no longer under our watch?"

Toby grunted. "The FBI is already all over it, especially since the guy hopped town. You'll have to participate in the investigation, but we already have proof that you're in the clear."

Donna touched CJ's arm. "We're thinking it would be best if you simply announced your awareness of the situation, explain that you've turned over financial records to the feds, and refer any further questions to the investigators in New York."

CJ shook her head and rubbed her worn eyes. It was times like these that being a former First Lady only inflamed a controversy. "This is ridiculous. These are two bombshell announcements. One press conference? I feel a total explosion coming on."

Margaret broke the momentary silence that had taken over the small meeting. "Welcome to it, CJ. Carol has it from the wires that nightly news is leading with both of these stories in about an hour, but if you go with these strategies, it shouldn't be too bad."

CJ nodded. "I don't thank you all enough," she murmured genuinely, moving away from the desk. "But right now, I need to take my children home, and I need to spend just one night doing something that doesn't involve ripping me, my husband, or our privacy and credibility to shards."

As CJ headed towards the conference room where Riley and Addy were eating, Donna twisted up her mouth. "I guess she doesn't want to talk about Medicare, then."

~*~

CJ was standing outside on the terrace attached to her spacious Watergate apartment. The night was cold and breezy, but clear and crystal sharp. As she looked out over Washington, CJ wondered what had drawn her to a life like this, all those many years ago. She couldn't have possibly known what she was getting herself into when she'd let Toby talk her all the way out to Manchester, New Hampshire. Helping elect a man President alone was a daunting enough hope - CJ couldn't possibly have imagined that she'd also marry someone who was then the Vice President of the United States. She could never have dreamed of being the First Lady, of living in the same White House where forty and more other women of history had lived and lived on. She couldn't even in her head have created the wonders that were her two children, and CJ knew that not even in her wildest fantasies could she have landed straight on the floor of the United States Senate. But there it was, all so very real and painful, and here she was, bordering on disillusionment with the life that many women looked upon with envy and admiration.

Politics and all of its brothers in arms had done its level best to decimate John Hoynes and his wife. The game and its many trappings had nearly done away with a man, and it had nearly destroyed a family. And as CJ stared out into the starry District night, she wondered if the millions of Americans who had over and over cast their votes could understand even a glimmer, even a bitter piece of what it had been like. The press, the pundits, the people on the streets - they'd never breathe a word of gossip, a hint of disdain, not if they knew how it felt to live inside of this fishbowl world. It was so much harder, inside of the glass house, to make right what was wrong - to fix what was broken. And even though John had left behind what CJ could only assume were his glory days, he was still under the microscope, forced again to grapple with his worst nightmares in front of a camera. And still, he had wanted it so much; CJ had no stronger memories than of his first campaign for the Presidency, a time when John Hoynes and his wife had lived, breathed, and consumed all that there was to have of power and politics.

The White House. Capitol Hill. Washington D.C. They were the places that dreamers went to in their minds; they were the physical realities that ambition was made of. Just the thought alone was enough to make ideology come to life; it was enough to turn a good man bad, and a bad man worse. CJ wondered how, why the magnetic pull of Washington had drawn her in, too, and as she re-entered her apartment, the Senator from Texas realized that she'd never really known. It wasn't important, she figured, because no reason would be reason enough - no justification would really ever live up to what they'd given in return. It was enough, CJ decided, to serve her country and to serve it well. Public losses that were never allowed to be private tragedies - that was part of the unwritten rules of the game, and even though it oftentimes seemed helpless, CJ was starting to see that what she'd formerly thought of as bad luck was really only life's little way of reminding her what to be thankful for.

It was going to be okay, CJ told herself. They always had been the ones to come out on top, time and time again. John would pull himself up by his bootstraps, and maybe in a month, when he came home sober and in control, he might be able to finish his memoirs. CJ knew that their marriage would come back together if they were willing to allow it - and CJ hoped that she and John were more than ready to allow it. Life would continue, CJ realized, on and on, and on and on. John's Presidential Library was nearly complete, in a year's time they might be just as happy as they'd been that first year. CJ stepped inside with this on her mind, and she smiled with real happiness at her children.

Riley and Addy were waiting with popcorn and a movie, sitting expectantly together on the sofa. "Are you done your thinking now, Mom?" Riley asked, walking over to pull CJ by the arm. "We want you to watch with us."

"Our minds never stop thinking, you know," CJ murmured, wishing she could tell them all that she'd mulled over in her mind. Now, they were simply eager to watch a movie. "We'll watch until nine o'clock. Then it's bed time - we have to be up early so I can take you both to school," CJ smiled, moving her hand to smooth Addy's hair as the little girl settled it on her lap.

"I can go, too?" Riley asked as he got up to turn on the TV. "They said I can come?"

CJ grinned, feeling relaxed for the first time in days. As Riley returned to the couch and curled up against his mother, she reveled in what she'd been missing - everyday moments with her children. "Yep. Sorry, Ri, you won't be denied the chance to finish the fifth grade."

"Darn," Riley snickered. "At least their soccer team is decent."

"That's right," CJ murmured, squeezing his shoulders. "You'll be the star."

"Can we puh-lease start the movie?" Addy burst out with impatience, unable to wait any longer.

CJ chuckled. "What are we seeing?"

"Wizard of Oz," Riley replied. "We thought it would be fun. You know how Addy loves the part when everything turns to color."

CJ pressed play on the DVD remote, and soon the screen was filled with the sights and sounds of 'The Wizard of Oz.' Maybe, CJ reasoned in her head, it would be okay to watch past nine o'clock. Addy always did love the part where everything turned to color, and though sometimes she felt like she was still waiting, CJ knew that her life, too, had long since left behind the black and white.

END