Jim & Squidward: A SpongeBob Story Part 6: Nothing Suits Me
Jim monologue; we came into jazztel not knowing what happened the night prior. And if you think this story is all success. Ha, you're wrong as fuck. This was a terrible time for us but we're fucking gonna get through it because we are fucking amazing
(Jim & squid walking to jazztel before it opens)
Jim: I'm just saying, when it really gets down to it , would you?
Squidward: what the fuck does get down to it fucking mean?
Jim: ya know
(Krabs comes out of nowhere)
Krabs: you fuckers
Jim: what?
Krabs: I knew you fucking did it. I knew you took the recipe
Squidward: you have no way of knowing
Krabs: yes I fucking do. I know why my shit tastes like.
Jim: even then, you don't have it fucking copy written
Krabs; I'll Be back (runs off)
Jim: Neptune I hate him
Squidward : he's such a prick
Jim: bitch said he'll fucking be back. Whata cocksucker
(They go through the back entrance of
Jim: so the alarm thing. Should we worry?
Squidward; maybe we should've responded to that alarm call we got last night
Jim: nah nah. It's cool. They explained it was some cracked out girl trying to get some loot
Squidward: whatever. We'll be fine
Jim: alright
(In the kitchen)
Jim: see everything seems normal
Squidward: it does doesn't it
Jim monologue : it did seem normal. When you're as young as we were, it all seems normal, you never expect to see shit like that fucking happen. Fuck, we probably wouldn't even have payed mind if the cops didn't tell us the circumstances.
(The heist squad at a diner)
Jeff: ya got a plan yet, Krabs?
Krabs: in fact I do
Chad: what is it?
Krabs: we sue them. They stole my recipe so let's go to court and fucking sue their asses
Plankton: are we fit to sue guys like them?
Krabs: why wouldnt we be?
Plankton: well, we literally just broke into the place we wanna fucking sue
Jeff: no we wanna sue Jim and Squidward not the fucking place
Krabs: and i was thinking we join with a familiar face
Kim: who's the fucking face?
Krabs: Squiliam fancyson
Chad: who?
Plankton: who the fuck is that?
Krabs: Squidwards arch nemesis
Chad: what makes him his arch nemesis ?
Krabs: Squiliam fucked him. He ruined Squidwards future by sabotaging his portfolio for music. Since then, Squidward fell then rose. Squiliam and I had a budding acquaintanceship in 1994. Maybe we could get that back. we could both fuck Squidward together.
Kim: where do we find this guy?
Chad: he sounds cool
Plankton: fuck You, chad
Krabs: alright. We find him at Juilliard. We get in my car and drive there. It's about 20 minutes away
Plankton: sounds like a plan
Jeff: man, these pancakes are fucking amazing
Kim:this breakfast is fucking amazing
Plankton: ya know we should open up a diner when this is fucking all said and done
Krabs: keep that in the idea jar.
Chad: Okay let's
finish and go to Juilliard.
Everyone: stop talking chad!
Chad: what?
(Jim &a Squidward in the back room of the restaurant smoking and chilling the George Lopez theme song in the background)
Jim: what do we do, Squidward?
Squidward: are you still bugging about the missing fucking note book?
Jim: it's not that it's gone. We all know the recipes. It's that it's gone and someone tried to break in
Squidward: and they caught the person who tried. Jesus, Jim. You're really going crazy. I mean , I'm not saying there's no reason to bug out, I'm just saying, it's fine, bro.
Jim: ugh. Okay man. Fuck
Jim monologue: was Squidward right? He had high fucking hopes about the missing note book being nothing. But something just wasn't right. We had no fucking idea what was to come and we didn't fucking expect any of the other shit to occur. But who gives a fuck, ya know?
(The heist squad in the car outside of Squiliam and macs apartment)
Krabs: okay. Here's the plan. We knock on the door and ask him if he wants to fuck Squidward.
Kim: easy fucking plan compared to last night.
Jeff: okay let's go in.
(They go into the apartment building)
Krabs:(to a random person )
Where is Squiliam fancyson?
person: umm idk
Plankton: the dude with the unibrow
Person: oh yeah. That's the douche bag in my music theory class. He thinks he's the shit
Krabs: where is he?
Person: well, we have a band masterclass right now that I'm skipping. He's probably there
Jeff: where is it?
Person: the theater room where the band plays. It's in Mozart hall. You can't miss it
Krabs: alright, boyo. Thanks
(Them walking on campus)
Krabs: man, this place is crazy
Kim: Krabs, did you go to college?
Krabs: nope. The navy took me instead
Kim: I'm a dropout at Bikini Bottom Community College
Jeff: I didn't go to college either. I went to the NHL right after high school. Now at 20, I regret nothing
Kim: why aren't you busy with hockey again?
Jeff: my team didn't make the playoffs. But we're winning the cup next year. I fucking promise
Plankton: college is a waste of time. Don't fucking go.
Chad: look, it's Mozart hall
(They walk in to find Squiliam and Mac outside of the masterclass talking)
Krabs: Squiliam!
Squiliam: oh it's you
Plankton: why are you not at the masterclass?
Squiliam: Mac and I are too good for it
Kim: Mac is his name. You're cute
Mac: wahh I am? (Stoned as crap)
Squiliam: why are you here?
Krabs: we want you to join us in destroying Squidward
Mac: aww again ?
Squiliam : id love nothing more than that, Eugene
Krabs: meet us in the office of the krusty Krab tonight at 6
Squiliam: we'll be there.
Mac: we will?
(Jim, Squidward and Colleen at jazztel watching everything go right)
Jim: fucking wow
Squidward: I feel like this is all too good to be true
Colleen: there's nothing to be said about us now. There really isn't.
Squidward: man, this band is tight.
Colleen: where do you find these musicians, Squidward?
Squidward: they just come and sign up. And I fucking love it
Jim: truly beautiful.
(The heist squad plus mac and Squiliam at the office)
Krabs: Squiliam, the boys at jazztel stole the Krabby patty formula and we're gonna fuck them
Squiliam: of course I want to do that
Krabs: my fucking lawyer Jennifer Goldberg is gonna help us out.
Jeff: what the fuck is our goal?
Krabs: to get money and ruin the reputation of jazztel
Kim: good plan
Krabs: Jen should be here any fucking minute now
(Knock knock)
Krabs: come in
(Jennifer enters)
Jennifer: (looks around) um okay. Anyways you wanna file a law suit on who again?
Krabs: Squidward tentacles ?ￂﾠ
Plankton; and Jim
Jennifer: Squidward and Jim
Krabs: yes.
Jennifer: what did they do exactly?
Krabs: they stole my creation and are wicked successful with it
Jennifer: well, that's definitely a reason to sue. I'll hire an attorney for you people. But here's my question. Why are there 7 of you?
Krabs: we can't do this alone. We never do this alone.
Jennifer: umm alright. Tell me about this whole stolen recipe thing.
Krabs: well, it started when I had the krusty Krab. I had two workers, Jim & Squidward. One day they decide to open up their own restaurant. One meal they have has the secret recipe to the Krabby patty.
Jennifer: and you know this because?
Krabs: I tasted the meal. And boyo, I know that fucking taste. To think I trusted Jim. And to make sure it really was the recipe, we broke into Jazztel and took the recipe book they had. And we found it. My fucking recipe
Jennifer: so you broke the law?
Krabs: well they stole it though.
Jennifer: ugh. It's not worth the fight. I'm just gonna get you that attorney. I'll call you in the morning.
(Mac and Kim walking)
Kim: so what's your story?
Mac: I play drums in this sweet band
Kim: what are you called?
Mac: stingray-5000
Kim: do I know any of your songs?
Mac: we've got a cover of Longview by Green Day and Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division. But we don't have a bassist so they didn't turn out that good
Kim: no way, i play bass!
Mac: word
Kim: uhh
Mac: what?
Kim: aren't gonna ask me to join your band?
Mac: well we need a bassist. Do you play bass?
Kim: yes. I play the bass guitar
Mac: word wanna join the band?
Kim: yes. That would be awesome. And how stoned are you right now?
Mac: I'm like 46 percent sober right now
Kim: do you have a J on you right now?
Mac:(cough) yep
Kim: wanna roll up?
Mac: I never don't for future notice.
Kim: fuck yeah
(The next day. The lawsuit said all together in suits at the attorney office)
Attorney: okay so here we've got a lawsuit for "stealing me formula" uhh, could you paraphrase that please?
Krabs: me old employees took the secret formula to my creation
Attorney: so somebody stole something from you. What does that have to do with the 6 other people here
Krabs: hey, these are my best friends okay? And it means much more than that. They took the Krabby patty secret formula. Have you ever had a Krabby patty?
Attorney: ah yeah back in the 80s I had a them all of the time.
Krabs: and you know what? I want that hype back. 20 years from now, I don't want to say back in the 90s, I owned a very famous restaurant. I want to say I've owned a very famous restaurant since those days. It's Unacceptable that they're costing me all of this
Attorney: I understand, we'll get you a court date with them. Still think it's weird you have all of these people with you but that's none of my concern
Krabs: when could we get a date?
Attorney: we could get you in in about 1-2 weeks
Krabs: awesome
(Jim & Squidward hanging out at jazztel in the chill room)
Squidward: dude, are you still talking to that girl?
Jim: yeah. She emailed me last night, but I still don't know how to work the whole email thing so I called her
Squidward: awesome. You should take her to the restaurant
Jim: I don't know. Eating at our own restaurant
(Colleen comes busting in)
Colleen: guys did you fucking use the Krabby patty secret formula in any dish here?
Jim: we did
Colleen: well you guys have got a fucking lawsuit on your hands. Eugene, he figured out you guys fucking stole it
Jim: oh fuck
Colleen: be ready for court next Wednesday
Squidward: just when we thought everything went just right. Just when we fucking thought
Colleen: I fucking know, Squidward. I really freaking fucking know
(Krabs' lawyer with the lawsuit squad)
Jennifer: okay so we know the case. But how will you prove it?
Krabs: i plan on telling them our sob story
Plankton: mine is a real fucking sobber. No doubt you'll fucking cry. No. Fucking. Doubt
Jennifer: yeah I could tell
Krabs: then we show em the notebook that has our recipe
Jennifer: do you own the recipe?
Krabs: of course. I fucking made it
Jennifer: do you have it copy written ?
Krabs: the fuck is that?
Jennifer: oh Neptune. Oh Kay then you better have one hell of a case. Make the sob story a real fucking tear jerker. That seems like it's the only way to make this work.
Chad: I could tell them my sob story
Jeff: me being there should mean something. I'm a professional hockey player who makes millions but i choose to be here with my friends
Squiliam: Mac and I have no reason to be here too but we are because fuck Squidward
Mac: yeah (cough) wait no I like him
Jennifer: you guys are all incredibly fucking weird. Just be in court next week.
CHad: oh you know we'll be there.
(Jim and Squidward figuring out what the hell to do)
Squidward: (walking in circles with his hands on his head panicking) oh my god oh my god oh my god. What do we do! Why do we fucking do!
Jim: dude, we have one hell of a defense. Krabs fucking put us through hell. We could totally just fuckin say that
Squidward: we can't fuck this up. We fucking can't fucking fuck this up. Fucking Neptune!
Jim: dude we'll be fine. Holy fuck you've gotta fucking chill
Squidward: you know what we have to do?
Jim: yeah?
Squidward: we've gotta buy suits
Jim: damn that right. I know for a fucking fact I don't own one.
Squidward: okay let's go
(They go to the suit place)
Employee: you want suits?
Squidward: yeah
Employee: then get one. There all over this store
(They walk out with suits)
They both look at each other and scream
WE'RE FUCKING READY!
(A bad ass montage of the town of Bikini Bottom to the song I'm My Own Doctor by Remo Drive. Jim and Squidward are being awesome and it's an emotional moment in the movie)
(In court)
Judge: we have Eugene Krabs, Sheldon Plankton, Squiliam Fancyson, Mac Demarcus, Kim Neal, Jeff Zimmer and Chad Hennington suing Squidward Tentacles and Jim for allegedly stealing a secret formula from Eugene Krabs. Still don't know why he brought a huge group with him
Jim & Squidwards lawyer: my boys have a very good case. Please, speak
Jim: they have no way of proving it
Judge: Mr. Krabs, do you have any way of proving it?
Krabs:(throws the notebook on the table)
Judge: okay. What is it?
Krabs: (opens it and points to where it says my formula) right here the formula is written and included in the dish fuuk squilám
Squiliam: wait was is it called?
Judge: do you have your recipe with you?
Krabs: (takes the bottle that has the recipe and holds it up) right here
Jim: oh my god. They stole the fucking notebook!
Judge: Jim. Please wait your turn to speak. read them both for us, Eugene
Krabs: nope. It's a secret
Judge: if it's a secret, how does Jim know?
Krabs: he used to work for me. He was my frycook and constantly used the fucking recipe
Judge: Jim, is this true. Did you work for Eugene Krabs
Jim: yes. may I tell you why he was the worst person to work with? Also that notebook, he stole that from our restaurant. Neptune, that break in a few weeks ago was them!
Judge: let me finish with Eugene first. Anyways, Krabs. How did you obtain this notebook?
Krabs; no comment
Judge: Jim. What break in are you talking about?
Jim: a few weeks ago, there was a report that someone broke into jazztel we were told it was some punk who picked the lock but didn't get in. And I could see a punk in that huge crew by Eugene.
Judge: who's this punk?
Chad: it's Kim
(Everyone there is like "oh my god chad you dumb ass")
Judge: order order. Let me speak to Kim. Did you try break into jazztel?
Kim: yeah so what?
Judge: why did you?
Kim: because that's what I do. I've broken into several 7/11s and Quik Cheks too. Fuckin question me about that
Judge: now that I think about it, how are you all affiliated with one and other?
Krabs: there my best friends and they were by my side
Judge: and a best friend of yours tried breaking into the place you want to destroy?
Krabs: she didn't know
Judge: let me ask again. How was the notebook obtained?
Krabs: I found it in the dumpster
Squidward: bull fucking shit
Krabs: you have no idea how I got this and you'll never know.
Judge: let me talk to Jim and Mr. Tentacles
Squidward: fucking hi
Jughe; tell us about this notebook business.
Jim: we had this notebook in our restaurant. We come in the next day, the day after that kid tried breaking in and it was gone.
Judge; I'm believing Jim and Squidward here. But we have no way of proving they stole it, so here's a question I have. Did you use the formula of Eugene Krabs?
Squidward: we used a recipe Jim perfected.
Jim: if they think that. Let them think it
J&S lawyer: now ill speak for them. These boys worked very hard to get where there are now. Who are these guys trying to do what they're doing. These boys said Krabs was a terrible boss. Let's hear what they say about the man, the man Eugene Harold Krabs
Judge: okay. Tell us about it
Jim: Krabs paid us poorly. He made us work everyday from opening time to closing time. He had us working in poor conditions. It was just a bad experience overall.
Squidward: the day we grew the balls to tell Krabs to go fuck himself was the best thing I've ever done.
Jim: the only thing the man cared about was money. And he payed us shit. Literal fucking shit
Judge: that may be true. But we need to know the truth about the recipe.
(The table with the Krabs squad)
Krabs: plankton, go to jazztel and get some fuuk squilam. I've got the recipe with me. Let's have this dick compare them
Plankton: okay.
Krabs: here, take my keys.
Plankton: ok
Judge: now I have no idea how we could find out the truth about the recipe
Krabs: I do. Plankton is coming back to prove it. Give him 15 minutes
Judge: uhh okay
Krabs: you'll see and we'll sue their asses.
Jim; didn't you make enough money, Eugene. Didn't you!
Krabs: I'm nOt gonna watch you make all of that fucking money off of our creation. We don't need that
Jim: hey, at least we pay our employees well. We don't make all of the money.
Krabs: you'll see. You'll fucking see when plankton comes back
Jim: (whispers to himself) when plankton comes back. When plankton comes. When plankton...cums
(Whispers to Squidward)
Jim: dude, do you remember the video we took of Krabs and plankton fucking?
Squidward: oh my god. We use it against them, right?
Jim: take my car keys and go. Fucking get it
(Squidward leaves)
Jim: Squidward will be back.
Judge: you guys fucking suck at being in court
(Plankton returns)
Plankton: I have fuuk squilám here. Krabs, get the recipe.
(The both put their items on the judges table)
Krabs: taste both. Have just a taste of the formula though
(Judge tastes both)
Judge : wow that is a very close taste.
(Squidward comes bursting in)
Squidward: let me talk to Jim, Krabs and plankton in private.
Judge: ugh. Fine
(They all approach Squidward)
Squidward: see this tape? It's a tape of mr. Krabs and plankton having sex. Fucking each other.
Plankton: what?
Krabs: how did you get that?
Squidward : no comment. Just drop the case and I'll destroy it.
Krabs: fuck fuck fuck fuck. Okay. Fuck fuck fuck
Plankton: I would still like to know how you got it
Squidward: just drop the case
Krabs: fine fine. You guys fucking win.
(They approach the judge)
Krabs : okay. We lost this case. We're just gonna drop it
Jeff: what?
Chad: aww
Judge: this was a fucking waste of time everyone just leave.
Squidward and Jim celebrate and hug
(Squiliam and Mac approach them)
Squiliam: well, you did it Squidward. You got the last laughter.
Squidward: hey Squiliam
Squiliam: yeah?
Squidward: go fuck yourself
(The song Don't You Forget About Me plays and theres a bad ass montage of the characters and Jim talks about what the characters do after the events of the film)
Jim monologue: that pesky Krabs tried to win and man oh man, looking back 20 years ago I should've known this would happen. Anyways, in 1999 Krabs attempted suicide but after surviving a gunshot to the head it made him open jos eyes that he had to be there for his daughter. Plankton has a success story, becoming one of the great scientists of modern era. Kim ended up playing bass in the band stingray-5000 as they ended up being one of the best bands of the 2000s, they just put out an album last year that reached mass critical acclaim, with the needle drop giving it a 9/10. Mac also went down that path. Squiliam became one of the best composers, middle schools and high schools across the country play his songs to this day. Jeff became one of the best players the NHL has ever seen. He played on the mighty clams from 1996-2009, winning a championship along with the conn smyth in 2007. He was delt to the Blackhawks winning 2 championships with them. He now plays on the penguins and was a big help in their run to the Stanley cup finals in 2016, an he still plays to this day. Chad became a surgeon and married several people, he still hasn't found the one. And Squidward and I now have all of the money we never dreamed of having. There are now several jazztels and Squidward has made some buzz in the jazz community with his songs. After that day is when our lives really started and it was all because Krabs and plankton fucked
(The rest of the song plays as the montage continues)
(THE END)