Dear Diary:
I don't believe in the thing called love..I don't believe in happily ever afters… and I don't believe in people getting what they deserve….
Of course, I didn't think these things about a year and half ago but somewhere since then, a murder, heartbreak and a rape happened and life worked its mojo…
I changed. I stopped believing that the people you love will always be there for you. That your friends will stick by you through thick and thin. And that even when you think you're at your lowest, you can always be taken down a notch.
Some people say I'm too bitter for my age.. I think they've taken mentos commercials too seriously..
I still harbour some hope towards the people I love.. …I tried to not make any friends but Wallace was too much work to ignore..plus, his stint in the office really helps me out…
Do I miss hanging out with friends and going to movies on the weekends?.. Well yeah, smartass..I'm a 17 year old girl. Of course I miss those things….but is it worth keeping friends around who'll eventually turn on you and stick a knife through your back… nothing is worth that pain.. So I try to keep myself separated from the rest of the world…
And my nights aren't that bad.. I mean, dad's pretty cool (lol, I know how pathetic that sounds) and Seth and Summer are almost like real friends… and Wallace can be pretty funny with his tough guy attitude..
And Duncan, the aforementioned back stabber……..it hurts to see him…and now that he's holding hands with Meg in the hallways, it feels like he's rubbing Mrs. Dash's herbs and spices on my wounds…but, its wrong to hold onto feelings for one's potential half-brother, so I'm trying to let them go as much as I can…
And Logan, the "spike" to my buffy, my mortal enemy…he's been pretty well behaved lately.. Which feels like the calm before the nasty, icky storm…I wonder if he got himself a soul or if he's just using it to lull me into a false sense of comfort…considering I'm on his payroll, I should be nicer to him.. But I think he needs me to be a bitch to him so that he can take his frustration out on me..
When my world first fell apart, I couldn't understand the game he was playing with me.. But since my walls went up, I've become hell of a lot smarter.. He needed to take out his anger about Lilly on me since I was the only one left to take it. Duncan was in a perpetual state of nothingness but still making cameo appearances to make things more painful and Logan's parents wouldn't know his pain if it drove up in a Hummer and offered them a 3 picture deal with Miramax….
So I became the traitor to him…the one who dared to choose my father over faux friends.. He's never known unconditional love so I guess its not hard to see why he didn't understand my choice…
But I cant help holding onto my rage…because something tells me, he took his anger towards me too far…
Is it wrong to think that your once good friend is capable of slipping you a roofie and raping you?.. I don't think so. .In this world where horrible things happen without any reason, this makes sense to me.
But just because I can see the reason behind it doesn't mean I can condone it.. But like an incredibly smart person once said, 'what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger".. at the rate I'm going, I'll soon be breaking Schwarzeneggers bodybuilding records.
Of course, the thing confusing me most right now is…the kiss… why did it happen? And with Logan, of all people.. And why did I let it happen?.. How can I let my possible rapist kiss me?.. And if he did rape me, could he really kiss me like that?.. I've seen his fathers movies and he's no Tom hanks…the acting gene really isn't the dominant gene in the Echolls family. Could he have been faking it just to screw around with my head…I mean Logan looked as confused as I felt after that kiss……he couldn't have been faking it, could he?
Dear Diary:
Apparently, not only was he faking it, but he doesn't even remember it….its been 4 days since the kiss…I've seen him in journalism class, in the hallway, in front of the bathroom, next to the lunch tables and in the parking lot…..I'd think he didn't see me if it wasn't for the perpetual frown on his forehead every time he happened to look at me…of course, the frown would disappear within seconds of seeing me… so just in case I did feel special that he noticed me, he made sure I got the point I wasn't worth a damn after…
Despite my rant, I couldn't be more relieved…its much easier to not deal with this than to think about kissing him…after the year I had, I value consistency.. There have been too many changes in my life and I need to hold onto the things that ground me. Like my dad, my job, and my "love/hate" relationship with Logan. For the last year and a half, he has been the biggest jerk. I never had to worry about his motives because I always knew what they were. But if that's about to change, I cant handle it…
Dammit.. Why did he have to kiss me?.. Does he not know that I love Duncan? And what about Lily? Does she not haunt him the way she does me?.. How can you just forget someone like that and proceed to kiss their best friend?.. He might not have the acting gene but he sure as hell as his fathers roving eye.