Disclaimer: I do not own House.

Hurt

Five years ago to this day she had stood at his graveside long after everyone had gone, her black dress moved gently in the wind, her satin-gloved hands holding her little black dress. Her soft brown hair was pulled back into a low bun and perched on top of her head was a black hat, the attached veil falling gently in front of her face.

The wind came again pushing past her swiftly, causing some strands of hair to come away from her bun and frame her face and the lily in her hand almost fell but her grip was tight. Her eyes were lined in black and glazed in water, but she hadn't let these tears fall yet. The black clouds rolled high above and she heard the rumble of thunder in the distance, bringing her head up slowly her eyes fixed on the gravestone.

"I'm sorry."

She whispered gently, the words being carried on the wind, and as the heavens opened quenching the thirst of the dry, dry, earth, one lone tear slipped from her eye and rolled down her cheek hitting the ground the same time the rain did. Turning she walked back to meet him, he was met her half way holding a big umbrella to shield her from the rain. He smiled at her and she bowed her head unable to look him in the eye and as he wrapped his arm around her waist she knew she had to get away.

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That was five years ago now, she had moved away, gotten away from him, from the memories, from her past. Yet today she had come home from work early. Only House knew what day it was, he had read the card from her mother that she had dutifully sent. Curled up on her couch in her velvet sweat pants and one of his big jumpers that she kept for moments like this, she rested the big photo album on her knee and opening it gently she stopped momentarily. Did she want to do this? Looking at these photos would open her heart, open her memories one more time, it was a can of worms she often avoided.

Yet despite her doubts she opened the album and her eyes fell on the picture of their wedding, her elegant white dress his sharp suit with his dashing smile, no wonder she had fell for him. She often wondered if he hadn't been dying would she have married him? Probably. Would the marriage have lasted up till now? She wasn't sure. Running her fingers gently over the picture a smile crossed her lips, they had been so happy.

Turning the page, a total contrast. She was stood at his grave wearing the same black outfit. Who had took this picture she didn't know, but she thought she should keep it, to remind herself. Turning the page once more tears stung her eyes as she gazed at the happy couple. He was stood in his jeans with a chequered shirt on and she was in jeans and a small jumper. He had her in his arms, in a fireman's hold; this was obviously one of his good days. Neither were looking at the camera but instead at each other their smiles matching, their eyes full of love.

It was too much, slamming the album shut she threw it on the floor and brought her knees to her chest. As her mind was empty, she suddenly became aware of the music coming from next door. Her neighbours were a middle-aged couple with a teenage daughter and right now she was listening to Christina Aguilera, Cameron was surprised she could recognise the artist and as she listened she became aware of how much this song related to her.

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there

Bringing her knees closer she rested her cheek on her knees and looked out the window, how she longed for him. She missed him so much, it was no lie that she loved him, she always had and always would he was after all her husband. He had given her so much and she had tried her best to be a good wife, but during those last few months her strength had wavered and she would turn to Joe for comfort. And although nothing happened it didn't stop that guilty feeling in her mind. He would tell her how proud he was that she was able to stand by him and watch him die and not leave him, many women wouldn't have the strength. Those words still stung her to this day, he shouldn't have been proud; she was falling for his best friend and getting her strength from him.

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

"Sorry." She whispered again. He needed to know how she regretted what she had done. For letting her heart make room for his best friend, for blaming him for dying and giving her cause to turn to someone else. And she had hurt him she knew she had. In those last few weeks she was sure he began to suspect something, she could see it in his eyes. It wasn't anything big, just a look sometimes that told her he knew. And when she closed her own eyes and conjured thoughts of him, she always saw those eyes, and that look.

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
to have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

She often lay in bed wondering if he was watching her, did he see her having sex with Chase? "It meant nothing." Speaking out loud she was sure he would hear her, she had to tell him it was just a mistake, was just sex. Was he guarding her, was he her guardian angel? She hoped so, but most of all she hoped he was peaceful.

Her eyes broke, the gates opened and the tears spilled out cascading down her face in raging rivers. She had finished medical school, and was now working for one of the most highly thought of doctors, she had done well. Was he proud of her? Was he somewhere above smiling down at her thinking 'that's my girl, that's my Ally'? She just wished to speak to him one more time, to let him know for sure she was sorry, to just hold him, to be held.

Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line to try to turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself

By hurting you

The tears carried on, years of pain breaking free and being released. Her eyes gazed out of the window and heard the roar of thunder once more, yet there was no rain. Hugging her knees her body began to shake as the pain got more intense, controlling her body. She didn't fight it, it was right to cry over your dead husband and she hadn't cried in so long.

She was interrupted by a loud knock at the door; taking in a deep ragged breath she stood and wiped her tears away. Walking to the door she opened it and her shoulders sagged as she saw House stood before her. He didn't say anything, neither did she he simply nodded, understanding. She bowed her head and stepped to the side letting him in. Walking past her he walked straight into her kitchen. Turning her head she looked out of the window, the sun was setting, there was no rain and it made sense, the roar she had heard was from his motorcycle, not thunder. A small smile flickered across her lips as she heard his raspy voice.

"Do you not eat anything except lettuce and ice cream?" He stepped back into the room and looked at her, tears were silently flowing down her face and over her smiling lips. His mouth twitched, unsure of what to say. He had known she had left work early today due to this being the anniversary of her husband's funeral. And something had told him to come over and make sure she was ok, but he had no idea what to say. Nodding at her coat hanging over a chair he said quietly.

"Let's go get you something to eat."

She lifted her hand and wiped away her tears once more, picking up her coat she slipped it on as he walked past her. Sitting on her couch she pulled on her trainers and fastened them securely. Her eyes fell upon the photo album she had thrown on the floor and she paused, gazing at it.

"Cameron?" Her eyes snapped up as he spoke. "You ready?"

Standing up she picked the album up and placed it back on the shelf, nodding she turned to face him.

"Yeah. I'm ready."

And she was, she was finally ready to move on and let him go. She was going to be ok, she was going to survive, she was sure of it.

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Crazy Gabs

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