Chapter 1
Me a Mother?
Her eyes wandered the room taking in the calming image of her friends sitting around the hearth. It was their first chance just to sit and talk without political interruptions. At last the ambassadors from Tyra had gone and the treaty signed before the passes closed, but not without a lot of upheaval for the Tortallian court. It was almost midwinter again, a time for friends and family, a time for new beginnings.
A promise made in the desert had been creeping into her thoughts. Alanna and George had been married for two years and watching her friends' families growing had put Alanna's thoughts in a peculiar place.
"What do you want Alanna?"
She caught his hand and met his eyes, smiling. "I want to be yours. If you're still interested."
His fingers tightened on hers. "Why?"
Alanna looked down. "I love you."
He made her look at him. "Enough to wed with me? Enough to give up roamin' and settle down and be a lady of Pirates Swoop? She looked at him quizzically, and he blushed. "Well, to roam with me along." Alanna nodded. George took a breath. "Enough to bear my – our – little ones?"
She blushed. "I'd like to have you to myself for a year or two. After that, we'll have all the children we want." Her voice cracked as she added, "I'll be proud to."
And she would be proud, but fear kept her from determining if she was ready. Watching Jon play with his eldest son, 3 year old Roald, Alanna was surprised to feel a stab of longing.
"Yes, I'm ready, but would I be a good mother?" Alanna questioned herself.
A firm clap on her shoulder brought Alanna back from her musings. Craning her neck to look into sparkling black eyes she smirked. "I hope that wasn't a joke at my expense Goldenlake."
"Of course not! Would I ever do such a thing?"
"Yes," voices chorused from around the room.
"Oh, I am doomed to be misunderstood!" Raoul exclaimed dramatically.
Laughing with the rest at her friend's antics, she wandered how she could live without all those in the room. They were her family, every last one of them and as always an evening with them ended too soon. Slipping beneath the bed covers she snuggled down, shifting her feet to warm them.
"Lass you've been wanderin' all night," George commented as he joined her. "What's on yer mind?"
"Nothing," Alanna sighed and rolled onto her side facing away from him. She didn't want to think about it anymore. The thought of having children had been in the back of her mind for months already and she couldn't bring herself to discuss it with him. "Why do these things have to be so difficult?" she muttered into her pillow.
"Is the pillow helping?" George chuckled drawing her in. "I'm sure its answers are educational."
Alanna groaned and pulled away, "Really, its nothing."
"It can't be nothing to have you so worked up."
"I'm not worked up!" Alanna snapped; then sighed. "Ok, so maybe a little."
Pulling her back to him George nuzzled her neck, "Anytime yer ready love, I'm here."
"I know George. I know."
Sleep hadn't come easy to her that night and an hour before dawn she snuck from the bed to clear her head. Grabbing Lightening she wandered the practise courts.
"So it wasn't my maid's weird imaginings when she told me there was some crazy person in the outdoor practise courts," Thayet called.
Pausing in her sword drill Alanna waved, absently wiping the sweat from her forehead, "Well she could be right about the crazy part. It's freezing!"
"Well that's winter for you Lanna. Come into the Riders mess with me and get some breakfast."
Sheathing her sword, Alanna followed trudging through the snow to the mess. Throwing their coats on hooks by the door, they got themselves breakfast and sat as close to the fire as they could get.
"So what has you braving the cold so early in the morning?" Thayet asked. "You avoid the cold more than you do Jon when there's a ball coming up."
"I haven't gotten George a midwinter present yet," Alanna murmured around her spoonful of porridge.
"That's all? I thought someone could have died at least!" Thayet laughed. Alanna scowled in reply. "Well you still have a few days. I'm sure you'll think of something."
"It's not that Thayet," Alanna said eyes downcast. "I know what I want to give him but..."
"But?"
"I keep having doubts." She explained. "I'm sure one minute and then things just keep running around in my head so that I get so wound up that all I want to do is hit something!"
"Well it just might help if you tell me what the present is rather than talking in circles," Thayet said, her eyes crinkling in amusement at seeing her friend so upset over what appeared to be nothing.
"My pregnancy charm," Alanna muttered into her bowl.
"Argh...you might want to repeat that a little louder Lanna," Thayet chuckled.
"My pregnancy charm!" Alanna yelled at her, driven over the edge by Thayet's lack of concern.
Thayet's eyes widened in realisation. "Oh Lanna! That's wonderful! You're going to be a great mother!"
"You really think so?" Alanna asked worriedly. "I've never had much to do with children and I...I just don't know!" She cried. "It's all so hard!"
"Since when does a warrior give up!" Thayet exclaimed, knowing exactly what would help Alanna through her doubts. "Don't you ride through battle taking all the challenges in your way by the neck and defeating them?"
"Some battles can't be won," Alanna said, though her eyes had begun to cloud with doubt of a different kind. "Some things just aren't meant to be."
"Bullocks!" Thayet exclaimed. "Hurry and finish your breakfast and then you're coming with me. It's time for you to be properly introduced Liam."
"I've already met your son Thayet. You would've killed me already if I hadn't."
"You've no choice in the matter. Now hurry up so we can get to nursery before he wakes again. You're going to learn about motherhood," Thayet said, her tone brooking no argument. "I'll have Eleni fetched as well. She did wonders in soothing my nerves when I first found out I was pregnant with Roald."
"You were nervous?" Alanna exclaimed. "But you always seemed to calm and excited!"
Thayet replied with an unladylike snort. "Well obviously you don't know everything then. So let's get going."