A/N; companion piece to rushing in twilight.
Disclaimer: just borrowing the characters and playing with their emotions for my amusement.
Quinn Fabray prays. Even when all her faith in God is lost, she prays to Him and to Him alone. Every night before bed, she closes her eyes and mouths the words to her prayers and hopes that God will answer them.
It started when she was small, a little girl getting ready for her first day of kindergarten. She was excited. She loved what she heard about school, and she loved learning new things. Her parents would always comment on how she would have her nose in a book. That first day, she was made fun of. Because of her weight, her overly large nose, the mousey glasses that made her eyes swell within the lens.
She cried through her prayers that night. She said them aloud, not knowing that her older sister was listening in. She prayed to be beautiful, and to be popular. The next morning, Frannie had told her parents and they sat her down and said that it was a sin to pray for worldly things such as that.
That's when the silent prayers started. She prayed every night to be beautiful, mouthing the words with eyes closed tight.
Her prayers for beauty came true, although she had some help with her father's money and she never, ever told him why. She thought that in his eyes, this was an investment. He was always thinking in numbers. Always wondering how he could make more money. The silent prayers stopped for a while.
But they returned the day in high school. The night she slept with Puck, she prayed her silent prayer for her to be okay. For her to be able to trust the boy she slept with. When the prayer didn't come true, she was disheartened, but her faith was not gone. The day she found out she was pregnant, her silent prayer was for Finn to step up and be the father, and that he would never, ever find out the truth. Finn was a good guy, and he was what she needed. Not the Puckerman boy.
When Finn did step up, she was overjoyed, so overcome with love, but she was still young. She still made mistakes, she knew that now.
As she lay next to Finn at night, mouthing the silent prayers, she had no idea that he was watching. Or trying to figure out exactly what she was praying for. Those nights she prayed for strength. The strength to continue the lies, to continue carrying this child. This child she never wanted, but was growing to love.
Sometimes after she whispered out the 'Amen', she would open her eyes and see Finn close his tightly. She would smile at that, and press a soft kiss to his cheek and whisper goodnight. She loved him.
When she moved out, she prayed in private. She never prayed the silent prayers when she lay next to Puck, or when she was supposed to say grace. Her prayers stopped for a while, until she started to see Finn going after Rachel. She wasn't stupid, not in the least bit. But she still prayed for him to love her again.
It hurt worse than she'd ever imagined, watching him fall out of love with her. But Quinn was strong, her faith in God was waning, but she still prayed.
When Rachel came to her and told her that Finn had asked her to marry him, she felt as if her lungs were on fire. All the oxygen in that disgusting bathroom was gone, she couldn't breathe, and in that moment, she didn't want to breathe. The man she was still in love with wanted to marry Rachel Berry. She knew this day would come, but she wasn't prepared. Not yet, not in high school.
So she told her to say no. She gave her all the good advice in the world. She did care for Rachel, don't get her wrong, but it wasn't her love she prayed for every night. It was Finn's.
She didn't pray the night before the wedding. Quinn reasoned with herself that none of her prayers would be answered, and maybe she didn't realize that she'd been praying for the wrong things all along. She still stopped.
The wheelchair was clunky, it had a bad wheel, and propelling herself along made her arms ache. When she woke up in the hospital, her faith in God was lost. Couldn't he give her the one thing she really wanted? No. Finn had married Rachel, they had gone through with it without her, and she couldn't find the strength to pray to the God who had forsaken her so many times.
She pushed through physical therapy, all thoughts of Finn gone. She was focused on recovery, and that's what she needed. Needed to be herself again, needed to stand on her own two feet and say that she wasn't having it anymore.
Quinn would fight. The strength she prayed for finally came, and she was walking again. Walking across the stage to get her diploma, walking to hug her friends and family, walking to avoid Finn and Rachel Hudson.
She didn't pray again until the night she found out Finn Hudson was being shipped off to serve his country. She cried that night. Cried harder than she had since high school. But she couldn't complain. She was working out in LA now, acting, her dream job.
Rachel would call her every weekend to tell her Finn sent a letter. She wasn't sure why at first, but a tentative friendship was formed again, and they shared everything. She would move her lips in silent prayer every night for Finn's safe return. She never told anyone that she would remember his touch as she prayed and his soft brown eyes, his dopey looking half smile, or the way he looked at her. Like she was the only woman for him.
The call came in one night, late, long after she had prayed and cried and remembered the boy she was in love with. He was coming home. He was safe. She cried over the phone, sobs racking her body, and Rachel telling her it was okay, he was okay. Quinn thanked God. Loudly, spoken through her tears, and Rachel whispered the words she'd been dreading to hear.
She explained that it was okay, that she knew because of the way she spoke about it. It was okay, Quinn, she understands.
Rachel told her about Jesse that night. They ended up sharing more than had in quite sometime. When they got off the phone it was close to 7am, and her assistant was banging on the door of her trailer telling her to get ready for the first take of the scene she was supposed to filming today.
She mouthed a silent prayer to make it through the day without collapsing.
When she won her Oscar, she partied and screamed with Rachel and Jesse on the phone and then celebrated with the cast of her movie, drinking too much wine and letting too many paparazzi take her picture.
She didn't pray that night. She thanked God for how far she's come, from pregnant at sixteen to Oscar winning actress. She was still single, still in love with Finn, but she thanked God for all he had given her and she was determined to serve him to the best of her abilities for the rest of her life.
Quinn flopped down in her bed and slept soundly for the first time in a long while, and woke up happy. She was to leave the next day and she had downtime to just relax and sleep off the hangover. Not without it's consequences, her agent was angry with her for procrastinating, but it wasn't as if she actually had anything to do for a bit. Her next interview wasn't for a week or so. She prayed for patience to deal with him and his crazy ways. In the middle of mouth her prayers, her phone wrong and she hesitated to answer when she saw the screen light up with his face.
He was silent as she spoke, listening to her speak about what's been going on in her life, and how things were working for her and how happy she was now that she found her way. She fought against the way her throat tightened. She just wanted to hear him speak. To hear if he was okay, and how he was doing since his time in the military.
When she asked, he blurted it out, quickly and rushed. She almost didn't catch it. So she was silent while she tried to figure it out, and once it clicked, she broke down. She was sobbing again, tears staining her cheeks and she answered him quickly.
"I'm still in love with you, too. I always have been, Finn." She could have went on, but her throat tightened and she cried tears of happiness that she didn't know she had in her. They cried to together and agreed to meet. Quinn thanked God again that night.
Quinn prays. She lost faith in God, but she always came around to Him, and he always answered her prayers. It may not have been as soon as she wanted it to happen, or not exactly how she wanted it to happen, but He always pulled through for her.
She mouthed the words to a silent prayer as she walked down the aisle and saw him looking back at her, eyes shining with the love she missed so much. Her prayer was one for his happiness, not her own. She prayed that she would be able to be what he wanted, and that they would treat each other how they should be. When he raised an eyebrow, knowing exactly what she was doing, she blushed, and let her chin drop, hiding the shy smile pulling at her lips.