Look But Don't Touch
SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!
Spoilers for Seasons 2 & 3
'Look but don't touch' became a personal mantra I employed as I've journeyed through the past year or so; ever since Lizzie's outburst in front of Vic, at my cabin.
Sometimes our shoulders or arms brush against each other while we're walking in close quarters. And Vic still touches me at times; but that's rare these days too.
I did take hold of her hand to check, prove, I knew she was lying to me about beating up Ed Gorski.
The look she gives me when I come back from getting Branch of the Rez after he was shot makes my motto difficult to stick to for a few minutes.
Her sincere response when I tell her about Martha's murder, it is a tough 'look but don't touch' moment for me. And when she follows me into the reading room and shuts the door, I keep my hands busy; 'look but don't touch'. After that the pull is so strong I make sure to sit in a chair way from Vic while awaiting word on Branch. It certainly won't do to slip up in the waiting room front of Barlow.
The stare down she gives me when she and Ferg bring Branch out for the impromptu lineup of white warriors it's another tough moment for me to keep my hands to myself; she's worried about me, Branch, my state of mind, the whole thing. And she isn't going to back down until she is sure I had a good reason for what I was doing. She reads my eyes pleading for her to trust me and backs down letting me take Branch through the lineup. She listens to me tell him David Ridges is most certainly dead and if Branch is sure he had been attacked by a white warrior he has likely just let the man go.
When Vic takes my beer in the bar on our way back from Arizona I place one hand over my other arm to keep from touching her. I am tempted to reach over and take the beer bottle back just so I can let my fingers brush hers; 'look but don't touch'.
I'd set the phone down in the motel room after calling for an early wakeup call, unsure of what to do with myself I look around and spot the connecting door between my room and Vic's. Somehow 'look but don't touch' seems more impossible than ever before and she isn't even in sight. I am having a serious problem with myself but still can't help but chuckle at how stupid I'm being as I get up to head for the shower. The knock at that door brings me up short, suddenly I'm nervous fearing what I will find when I open the door. I'm not expecting 'Branch called', off we go; 'look but don't touch'.
I had mention to Vic on the drive up I have a feeling about this guy, Norwood Young, and I'm going to play it a little wide and little loose and for her just to follow my lead. She agrees but when Young offers to let us inside I all I can do is look at Vic and wait for her to move first. Although my fingers cross my palms, they itch just to give her the slightest nudge forward, I don't dare and I stick to 'look but don't touch'.
When I send her out, with a 20 for more beer, I call her a sweetheart and tell her to get something sweet for herself unsure exactly why I use that particular word in two different forms while looking at her but it just seems to be how I think of her. Hoping I haven't overplayed my hand I watch her face, she steps right up and carries it off, allowing me to continue with the chauvinist charade I have started with Norwood.
Vic and I take my black truck to the meeting for rehoming 'Agna'. When Vic loops her arm through mine I freeze for just an instant and when she says, "Help sell it." I know she is all business and I keep my focus on anything but her hand on my arm.
When Sean shows me the picture of Vic and me I have never been so glad that I had invoked the 'look but don't touch' dictate and kept it in practice. Sean's statement about me understanding why he would "be a little sensitive about Vic's relationships with her superior officers" just cinches it for me that 'look but don't touch' is the right thing to do. I level my gaze at him and do not flinch as I say in all honesty, "You don't have anything to worry about from me." I silently add, I look but don't touch. His terse reply of, "Okay great so I guess the restraining order is just for Gorski then." left me wondering and thinking two things; one did Sean truly believe he had nothing to worry about from me and two Gorski was back.
When Vic comes in with two of the Big Horn Horizon kids it doesn't take but a few seconds for her to peg me. I know I can't mask the worry but I deflect the focus and tell her it is because I am worried about the kids that haven't been found yet. She calls me on it later when we are both walking through the woods headed to find Ferg. I tell her about Sean, the picture, and Gorski; before I can get any real answers from her she finds more evidence in our case and redirects the conversation. We hear Ferg holler for help and when I step behind Vic to get around her; I graze my fingertips across her shoulders. Only to let her to know where I am and when she can stand without knocking either of us over. But the move leaves my fingers tingling and my palms itching.
Later at the hospital I send Vic home to spend time with Sean. It is the right thing to do. I tell her I won't need her, but don't dare tell her I want her. Although she tries to mask it I see the hurt in her eyes at my saying I won't need her; 'Look but don't touch'.
The next day Vic tells me about Gorski; I don't want to hear it but I know I have to as much for her safety as for my knowledge as her boss. She's talking and I won't do anything to stop her, when she pauses I stare; she continues. I really don't want to hear this, but I listen; the apartment where they met, she was young, a fun secret game, more dangerous more Gorski liked it, the less she did, when it got to be too much she ended it. I try to just be her boss. But the man in me is almost sick at Gorski's manipulations and the way he used her. Part of me is angry at the thought he still won't leave her alone; nearly made her lose her job a few months back when he pushed her to hire Hector and then lie about beating him herself. She reads me the way I hope she will; the boss prevails, Vic reiterates that she ended it, she married Sean. I ride my cover; "But Gorski's still playing." She says she didn't go home, the thought that I like her not spending time with any other man, is heavily overridden by the thought that I am having to do what's right for both of us, and she's not helping. Vic says Sean's on his way over. I'm leaving; look but don't touch can only go so far and I don't think only looking will get past Sean if we are all three in the same room. I carefully choose my words, "Last thing he needs is to find you here with me" The thought rolls through my mind of potential consequences and click, I think of our dead hiker; the parallels are not comforting.
I watch as Gorski touches Vic, pulling her to him and guiding her to the car that will take her to safety. Gorski gives me a nod and he steps around the driver's door. I look at Vic; I can't touch her through the glass. Vic looks at me. We stare at each other. I glace back to Chance. One last look at Vic, looking back at me through the rear window until the car moves too far into the darkness.
Vic returns in the Bronco. I look but don't touch. We load Chance's body into the back and Vic climbs in the passenger seat, my hands itch to help her up. Hold her when she thinks she might throw-up; 'again' she says. The itch grows into heat, which spreads across my palms, with the need to touch her for both our sakes; 'look but don't touch'. She says Sean is gone. The car she left him in is also gone. I drive at near breakneck speed to reach the hospital as soon as I can; Vic needs to see a doctor. At the emergency entrance I callout for help, several orderlies offload Chance's still form and head for the morgue. I step around and find Vic has already reached the front desk, she is asking for a doctor to see me. I interrupt, but don't touch. I pull the 'boss card' and ensure that Vic is seen first.
She sits in a chair by the exam room door; I can only look but not touch. Doc patches me up, and leaves us. Vic doesn't speak to doc, I try to tell her a little needle and thread and the coat and I will be back to normal. She reaches out to hand me my coat. I look and think 'Don't touch', as I wrap my hand over hers, again I think 'Don't touch'. The sensation is nearly electrifying, the look in her eye and the quiver of her lip is my undoing; I pull Vic to me, just once; I touch. I hold her to me and bury my face in her neck for less than a second; I touch her the way I want, for just that instant. 'Look but don't touch' reverberates through my mind and glance around to check if anyone can see me comfort my deputy, my friend, my untouchable Vic. I had no choice, she needed comfort and so did I. A reassurance that she is alive, and although hurt by Chance; she is breathing, crying at the moment, and well enough to be allowed to go home.
The next time I see her it's a surprise, she should be home resting, I avoid asking what I want and ask about Branch instead; I look but don't touch. After I send Ferg off to make a call I watch Vic for a while and then when I can't stand it any longer I ask, "You feelin' okay?" I don't know if she'll answer honestly when I ask, but figure I can tell by reading beyond the words of her answer. I am reassured by her confident yet simple 'Yeah', before she explains her frustration in looking for the elusive bullet casing.
We go to make the notification to George Linder's wife and daughter. I make a comment about their being gone and Vic comes back with flat retort, "Maybe a psychopath is holding them hostage and blown their heads off.", obviously referencing her encounter with Chance. When I ask if she needs take a break she bites back, "No, but I do think people should stop acting like they can tell me what to do." She is angry at someone other than me, but my question didn't help. So, I keep my voice calm and level, like dealing with a frightened animal, I look but don't touch, just stick to being her boss. I tell her, "The last thing I need is another deputy whose mind is only halfway on the job." The Linder's pull up and we are refocused on the case at hand.
Vic tells me Sean is "demanding I give you my two weeks' notice, and uh, quit my job." I hear the words louder and clearer than any other in my life, my heart constricts and falls simultaneously. My world is suddenly titled and I can't even draw a breath, let alone speak, but I have to; all I manage is an inconsequential, "Okay." My mouth seals shut in dryness as my mind screams at me through her words and mine, 'Don't just look, but touch.' And the war rages; 'Do something!' 'You can't let her leave' 'Look but don't touch' 'She's leaving' the cacophony is nearly deafening. Vic is still talking, her expression tells me she is angry, but I cannot hear her words; is it me, is it Sean, maybe it's both of us. Whatever the answer she is mad and very hurt, her eyes are windows to me in this moment; her soul is bared. I hear the words fall from my mouth, in the huskiest tone I've ever recall outside of my bedroom, and they aren't what I want to say at all, "Well I recall you're not someone who likes to be told what to do." My eyes blink several times in a vain attempt to throw my mouth into reverse; utterly unsuccessful. I cannot draw a full breath; my chest is so tight with need, want, pain, and fear. Her look tells me it is me she's mad at me; at least in part, and I am helpless to do anything about it. Some philistine within me persists, "I understand this is ah, a big decision for you." She glares, "And what is it to you?" blindsiding me. How I don't know, I should have seen that coming, but the direct, in my face challenge, knocks me cold. Here goes the philistine again using the department as the focus, keeping it professional or at least trying to, "Uh, well this department has lost and hired deputies before." She looks anywhere but at me as she throws the remains from our lunch in the trash. My one chance and I messed it up royally. I know that and yet with my mind in hyper overdrive, 'Do something!' 'Shut up! That's not what you should be saying!' 'You just told her to leave' 'Stay put!' 'Look but don't touch!' I'm split in two. I can't look at her either. I've blown it, I know it, and I cannot do a damn thing about it; I just made her sound like she's any other deputy. I hear her and force myself to look up at her, "I'm so glad that we could have this little heart to heart." Her look tells me she is hurt and that she thinks I'm full of shit. She walks out and stops short of slamming the door. My mind settles on a single thought 'Oh shit, what have I done?!' Ruby enters my office almost immediately, and while I cannot hide my entire face from her I do cover my mouth. I know by her look she knows something's wrong, but she keeps to the business at hand and tells me I'm needed at the Linder's. I need to think; think about how to fix this thing with Vic. I slam the pen, I didn't even realize I was holding, into my desk drawer and shove it closed; duty calls.
When I get back to the office, it's quiet and no one is around. Lights are on at each of the desks and my eyes automatically fall to Vic's. The other desks are empty too; but hers may soon be permanently empty. I turn to my office and enter the semi darkened chamber: Vic's in my chair, behind my desk: something I thought I might see one day when I talked her into running for sheriff so I could retire. She's rolling her wedding ring around her finger and there's an envelope lying on the blotter in front of her, I see it has my name on it and my heart sinks. I really don't wanna do this. I blow out a sigh and close the door. Even though no one else is here, this is private and I am sure it will be painful. Vic stands, clears her throat slightly, and then silently holds the envelope out to me. I look at her, I'm broken, and I know I caused this. Holding her gaze, I reach out and take the envelope and she drops her eyes to the blotter while mind go to my hands. My heart slams against my ribcage like it is trying to escape. I blow out another sigh and confess, "I don't wanna read this." Meeting her eyes as I do, I try to smile but it is little more than a twitch at the corners of my mouth; I feel the bitter betrayal of my breaking heart. Her expression is apologetic and her eyes cannot rest as she avoids looking me and says, "I didn't wanna write it. But, I did. So, now you have to open it." I'm shattered and I know there is no getting around this; I am her boss and she's right I have to open it. I slip the flap back and pull the page out of the envelope. As I pull at the paper to see which way to open it and then turn it around; Vic walks from behind my desk and starts to leave. My eyes go to her and I force them back the paper in my hands as I think, 'It's over. She's gone.' I feel the strength drain out of me and ease myself into the guest chair. Vic pauses at the door as I start to read: 'Dear Walt, It is with great regret that I write this report about…' my heart slams my ribcage once again, this time in shock and a bit of relief. 'It's a report, not in resignation' my mind screams at me. I quickly scan the page and ask for conformation, "This is about Branch?" "You need to read it all the way through…" I nod and she slips out the door.
It's later that night when I am lying in bed, unable to sleep, my mind vainly attempting to sort out the past 24 hours. Specifically I try to figure out what is going on with Vic, and me; the department. Vic hasn't left, not yet; she wrote a report not her resignation. That's something, just what I don't know but something; she's not gone yet. As I realize the reasons behind her questions awhile back about what I thought of her handling of the Bobby Donalato situation I want to call her. But she is probably in bed curled up with Sean; I lace my fingers together and rest my hands on my chest. The rhythm of my heart thrums against the outer edges of my palms. I had placed my hands there with the conscious thought of keeping them from reaching for the phone. However, the feel of my heartbeat and the growing awareness of how much my heart aches right now make me wonder about my unconscious thought. Was something in me trying to protect my heart? Thinking over feeling; that's what I try to make people believe about me. The truth is I am a man who is highly aware of my emotions; aware of, but not always sure of their depth or catalyst. In this moment thinking over feeling is not working; my thoughts and emotions are fusing together. Every thought is confused and disjointed; distorted by my persistent emotions. Yet my emotions are equally jumbled because my rational mind is generating dictates on what I should and should not do; feel and not feel. My last conscious thought before a fitful couple of hours of sleep is that everything is about to change in my life and I'm not ready; I'm never ready for these kinds of changes.
Sean had the divorce papers delivered for me to serve Vic; apparently he had given her two weeks and time was up. My first thought is it is a sick joke on his part, especially when Ruby scoffs about it. Branch storms into the office rattling on about David Ridges, I stop him by mentioning Sam Poteet and the next thing I know he has Vic by the throat and pushed against the window beside her desk. I pull him off of her and I admit a part of me wants to hurt him for hurting Vic. He is fighting and flaying and I am restraining him as best I can, he jerks his body in one direction and I overcompensate; slamming us both against the wall. Branch does his best on the next move and bounces me against the cell door. I'm afraid he will get loose before we can get him in the cell. Together Ferg and I get him in and the cell door locked. I look but don't touch as I send Vic to my office to calm down; I hope. A few minutes later go in to get my hat and coat. I tell her I am going to follow up with Nighthorse. She protests that Branch is crazy; implying I would be on a wild goose chase. Her adrenaline is talking for her; I counter her argument with, "… Just because Branch isn't right in the head, doesn't mean he's not right." I look but don't touch; it's one of the hardest things I've never done.
Ferg calls me on assaulting Branch but doesn't push; he backs off and apologizes, but I know I've overstepped and it hasn't gone unnoticed. He tells me Vic has gone to process Ridges' car and Barlow took Branch; Vic doesn't know Branch is out.
I push the Bronco to its limits to get out to Pike's Bridge ahead of any possibility of Branch getting there first. She knows by the speed of my pace and my posture and so she asks, "Walt? What's wrong?" I tell her about Barlow and Branch. She says, "You get rid of one stalker, here comes another one." My response is automatic and honest, "I wouldn't let that happen." My mind throws the breaks on my mouth; full censorship is now in force; I tell her someone should stay with her. She asks if I mean Sean and for a couple of seconds my mind stalls; her divorce papers are in my desk but she doesn't know. I meant me but she doesn't know that either. I make some comment about not knowing if Sean is out of town, eliciting conformation from Vic that his is in fact at home. My mouth utters 'Okay, okay good," in direct contrast to my thoughts. I turn from her as my brain, or is it my heart, registers the sound of disappointment in her voice when she confirmed Sean was home. My mind wants to analyze the reasons for the disappointment; however that thought is overridden by 'Look but don't touch'. Vic redirects us to the case at hand with a question about Nighthorse. Moments later she finds Ridges' cell phone. With a call to the judge we are off to arrest Nighthorse.
I stand at Vic's desk reviewing documents and photos from the case. The need to protect her is very strong and I have positioned myself so anyone coming or going will have to get through me to reach her. After Nighthorse pitches his deal; I sign the paperwork and send Ferg to the DA's office before they can close for the day. Vic says she's going home; Sean is there, I have to give her the papers now. I look but don't touch as I stop her leaving and close my office door.
As I watch Vic open the divorce paper, I realize that Sean did not want her to be alone. She has never said anything bad about him; Sean isn't a bad guy, just not the one for her. She had implied he wasn't a man when she told me that I was. But I have thought back on that I think it was mostly frustration and pain meds talking.
I look her and finally confess that I had not spoken up when she gave me the chance before. Relief at having another chance spurs my confidence and propels my words forward; I continue to confess, "The point is Vic, I want you to stay." She looks at me and I let her hold my gaze; to see the truth in my eyes. "You got a pen?" I see in her eyes too, and realize I have been taking shallow breaths; afraid to breathe. Drawing in a lungful of air, I reach across the desk and hand her a pen. I look but don't touch. With Branch out of the jail cell and a call about a fire at the Red Pony, Vic doesn't argue and agrees to stay at the office for the night.
In the morning, I return to the office after my battle with Ridges. Branch and I delivered his body to the morgue, and I just sent Branch away; I do not want him near Vic right now. Coming into the office I realize I am injured and between Ruby and Vic I'm gonna be in trouble. Self-preservation kicks in and I try to bluff my way out of being injured, "It's okay, Nobody needs to worry. This isn't my blood, uh and this isn't Branch's blood so." My eyes meet Vic's for a fleeting moment, I nervously rub my jaw and I feel the pull of the unmistakable stickiness near my ear, I'm caught, "Ah, actually this is my blood but," I risk another glance at Vic, "uh, it's not as bad as it looks," yep I'm in trouble," I'm fine." I try looking to Freg instead. He takes the opportunity to question me, thank God. I fill them in on Ridges and tell Freg to collect and deliver Branch's stuff. Looking at Vic, I explain I don't want him in the office; without specifying I don't want him near her. Vic protests, "I can take care of myself." I hold her gaze and wordlessly telling her I know that, but I need to take care of her too, and I give her a nod; 'look but don't touch'. She doesn't back down, but she doesn't force the issue either. After giving Ruby directions on Branch's paperwork I head out to see Nighthorse; Vic invites herself along.
I finally touch Vic; I punch her, 'What the hell?!'
Her nose is bleeding and I wish it were mine. As I spun and threw the punch I saw Vic was right there and instinctively tried to pull the punch; but it was too little too late. Resisting the urge to hug her to me, I hold her elbow to steady her just a bit. I think it, but she says it, "Shit!" Gently placing my fingers to her lower back, I guide her to the truck. I want to pull her into my arms and apologize again; I hate myself, "I can't believe I hit you.' She replies with, "Seriously, it's the best thing that's happened to me all week." I think but don't speak, 'what a sad, sorry commentary that is on her week'; 'look but don't touch'. I figure we could each use a drink so we head for the Red Pony.
Vic is touching me. She's gently cleaning the blood from my ear, from the fight with David Ridges, before tending to her own nose. My ear? I hit her, bloodied her nose, and here she is cleaning my ear. I look at her as she holds my shoulder and reaches around to clean my wound. I know I want to hug her, hold her, kiss her; to love her. My eyes meet hers and I try to tell her all of that with the one look before I pull my gaze away to keep from acting on my feelings; for now I will only 'look but not touch'.