ALoser In Love ?
Why had I been so abrupt?
I could see my words had hurt him, the dejected look on his face said it all, no wonder he had just turned around and left.
Later that night I 'd returned to my apartment, and spent the hours, hoping against the odds, that the phone would ring, that somehow my continued stare would spring it to life, but of course it never did, in fact all there was, was silence. I was not in the mood for the mindless banter on the radio, or for some background tv, all I wanted was to hear HIS voice, but I knew my words "don't do that for me" would be playing over and over in his head, just as they were in mine, and the last thing on his mind would be to call me. Who could blame him ?
As I laid in my bed I went through countless scenarios of earlier that evening, but each time I had ended the conversation a different way. Instead of my curt manner, I had said, Jake I know your placement is important to you, I understand that it could separate us, but if we care about each other distance would not matter, in fact it could make our relationship stronger, but no, I had just dismissed him.
What was I afraid of?
Was I expecting the inevitable; that in my life things never went smoothly, that just when I thought happiness was finally mine some family trauma would surface, or my own inner demons would rise up and I would jeopardize the relationship myself before I thought someone else could hurt me, was that it ?
Would he have hurt me I doubt it, I had never known such an open loving man. His maturity, despite his youth, gained I'm sure from growing up in such a large boisterous family only served to contrast with my own; whereas I had been both a surrogate mother and a sister from such an early age, and had learnt to hide my own feelings, that at times I wondered if I would every be truly content again. Until he came along I had known fleeting moments of happiness, but he had changed all that.
I can honestly say from the moment I saw him I knew.
It was as if some lightening bolt had shot through me; those piercing blue eyes, that beautiful smile, that wonderful chuckle when he laughed, it captivated me from the start. I'd tried to deny it, thinking I was like some love struck teenage girl, but there was something in his confident open manner, despite his youthfulness, that just drew me to him. It seemed like no time at all before Jake privately expressed his feelings towards me, I tried to laugh it off each time, but his persistency was like an aphrodisiac, that in the end I agreed to go out with him on one condition, neither of us would say anything to the other staff; (did I fear their mockery for going out with someone much younger, and a student at that , a definite no, no in hospital policy or was I scared to admit to myself that I secretly longed to be alone in his company ?) and that we went somewhere I normally wouldn't go. Upon mutual agreement, and much to my amusement, to a Chicago Bears football game we went ; appeasing my conscience at the same time in that I thought this date would definitely not be alone.
Despite the cold, I had not had so much fun in years; yet I still couldn't understand all the rules, my brother had tried so many times in vain to explain but had always given up in exasperation, "Abby, how many more god damn times do I have to tell you".
So it was with him, I could tell by his expression that he was none too impressed with my knowledge of the game, maybe that's why he kept saying " just have some popcorn, I'll explain later " as his eyes veered back towards the field.
After the game we'd gone for a meal. The conversation flowed easily. Jake told me he was the youngest, and the black sheep of the family, having gone into medicine because his medical condition had excluded him from following the family tradition of serving in the fire department, it turned out that even his sisters worked there. He talked affectionately about them saying they still had a monthly family get together for Sunday lunch (everyone' s shift permitting) and that the table seemed to grow year by year, to accommodate the ever increasing children, well we are of Irish stock he added with a chuckle. He said his mother had insisted that the boys too had to learn how to cook, "just a simple meal, you will need to impress the ladies later on" she had told them; it had proved invaluable he said with a knowing smile. I on the other hand told him very little about my personal life. I mentioned my brother and mother, but held back on their medical history, and had only told him about Richard not of my involvement with Luka and John, why should I, this was a one off date I told myself; but I'd been happy to discuss my love of the theatre, literature, the great outdoors, and of course medicine. He did not seem surprised when I told him I had been an OB nurse before going into med. school, he said he'd noticed my rapport with patients, something gained from spending time with them, he often felt he was juggling too many cases to become so attached. I told him he scared me a little as I had never been so confident or competent as he was as a student. We'd laughed at some of the strange cases we'd treated, and the antics medical students got up to in order to cover up their inadequacies. Time passed so quickly I didn't want it to end, I had not felt this way in such a long time, so at ease with a man.
We had walked together to the EL still chatting and joking, never touching.
On the platform an awkward silence fell as we waited for the train, it was as if both of us were too scared to act upon our feelings. In the end after all his gestures, all his persistence, it was I who initiated our first kiss. At that moment staring into those beautiful, hypnotic blue eyes, I wanted nothing more than to embrace him. As I'd reached up, slowing encircling my arms around his neck, I felt his arms pull me closer to him as our lips met and our kisses deepened. I recall we had both laughed as we saw the train disappear down the track; and I remember saying, "I'm on a lieu day tomorrow" he I knew was going onto nights before leaving the ER to begin his psych. rotation, "so you can cook me lunch".