Breaking Past the Seals, Chapter 1 – Polar Opposites
I always cared about Cullen, and of course I know if things had been different, we might have been able to openly fall for one another. Skirting around each other in the halls, never acknowledging the unspoken feelings until after my Harrowing was something we had done for months.
I can't believe I didn't notice him – really notice him – for so long. I remember when he first came to the tower. Even through the armor I could tell he was wiry. The armor that he was fitted with was small to accommodate to his frame, which was no doubt still slim despite his templar training. Overall, he was just cute. Taking his duties very seriously, he was always stiffly alert for any signs of blood magic or demons. It wasn't until he had been stationed at the tower for years and he had grown until I had taken a good look at him. There had been a great change. For one, he had gotten considerably more fit, enough to require new armor when the last set had grown too small. His face was less gaunt than before and his features were accented by his ruddy beard.
After spending years there, he began to feel at home. Templars were just as confined to the tower as we mages, though they would be punished far less severely if they left. When he was familiar with the place he was able to grow comfortable, at least in his down time. He was composed. Well, until he noticed someone looking his direction. Every time I saw him trying to interact, he was nervous. I didn't know what to make of it. He went from confident to skittish in a matter of months after I started to pay attention. I asked others about it, but they said he was only that way around me. I waved them off, thinking they were being daft or playing on my crush on him. I hadn't caught him looking at me, so why should I have believed them?
It turns out I had been oblivious. I was pretending to read in the library, facing him so I could see if he watched me as Jowan, Anders, and Petra said. When I realized they were right all along, I decided to put him on the spot. I considered calling it out, but ended up being merciful, especially when I heard his stutter. It made me feel bad for wanting to tease him, so I played nice. It was a full week before I found out, after overhearing him converse with the Knight-Commander, that he didn't have a stutter any time besides talking to me. I was flattered and worked from then on to put him at ease. This was the distraction that made the announcement of my scheduled Harrowing a complete surprise. I didn't know whether to be relieved or embarrassed when I learned that he would there for it.
He took me aside when the chamber was being prepared and I waited at the foot of the stairs. I knew the risks, having had the tower gossip Anders to share all he had to go through for it. While we waited for Irving and Greagoir to call upon me and begin the test, he initiated conversation for the first time. I'll never forget what he told me before he went ahead to stand by his Knight-Commander.
"The Maker will be with you, Charity. And so will I." After his brief encouragement, he cleared his throat and shuffled up the stairs noisily in his heavy armor.
Our eyes met only once when I entered the chamber. He looked concerned. I felt a moment of apprehension, but when my body was consumed by the magic of lyrium, I completed my trial with confidence. He was relieved enough to gasp and quickly close the distance between us when he saw me walk out of the apprentice chambers upon waking from that nightmarish trial. I was so touched that he was worried about me.
"You're awake! Oh, Maker be praised," he breathed. His relief made his eyes shine like never before. I wanted to speak, to tell him there was no need for concern, but the power of his emotions silenced me. "I'm-I'm glad your Harrowing went smoothly. The Knight-Commander picked me to strike you down if you... you know, you didn't..." His face darkened sadly and was unable to finish his sentence aloud as if the threat of my failure still loomed over me. Of course, that is what templars were taught to believe, that we were volatile. Poorly constructed time bombs capable of causing insurmountable destruction. I didn't blame him for believing them.
"It's alright," I cooed. He smiled and took the last few steps that brought him close enough to take both my hands in his.
"I know. I shouldn't have doubted. You were always strong, intelligent, and kind. I can't imagine you falling prey to demons and you must know I will do everything in my power to keep that from happening. If you ever feel the temptation, come to me. I will do my best to talk you through it." Considering it was one of the first times we had spoken at length, I was surprised he was going so far.
Never being one to even dream of refusing him, I said, "Cullen, the only temptation I have ever faced is you." His breath hitched and the familiar pink flush tinged his cheeks.
"I know that temptation very well." He had our hands joined long enough for me to warm the silverite gauntlets he wore. The metal kept us from having real contact between his calloused fingers and mine that never had any damage done save parchment cuts. I didn't want to settle for our only touch being one where our skin didn't meet and I wasn't able to feel the warmth of his body.
I wanted purely innocent contact with him, of course. Feeling his hands were as far as my mind had gone for now, though it was commonly understood that all mages were as promiscuous as my dear friend, Anders. It was imperative that mages as well as templars resist physical temptations and I wasn't willing to risk the consequences of any indiscretion that could have occurred between us. I was always one to obey the laws of the Circle and the Maker. I didn't see being locked away in a tower as oppressive as most of the other mages did. I respected the valiant templars, coarse as they were at times. Perhaps I was dazzled by the shine of their armor, or enchanted that they, unlike the male mages, had a dominant and masculine presence.
The spell was broken when he remembered where we were. With our admissions said, he cleared his throat and stepped back, causing our hands to slide apart with dreadful slowness. He didn't leave me, but stood back a respectable two feet. I didn't want to hear the distant, controlled dismissal he was rehearsing so I beat him to it.
"I should go. I need to see Irving about my new status in the Circle." He nodded and his charming smile returned.
"Go ahead, then. I'm very proud of you." Instead of sidestepping toward the stairs, I took deliberate steps forward, not slowing until my face neared his. I kissed him on the cheek while brushing my fingers against the short stubble on his jaw. His fingers ghosted over my sides as if he just barely stopped himself from pulling me closer. He began to turn his face towards me so our lips would meet, but there was hesitation as well as intense desire. He lingered with his mouth near mine, our breath mingled in the short distance that remained. Instead, he sharply turned his head forward and stared at the wall ahead of him. I felt guilty for teasing him so much.
But just a little...