Kenseikan Thoughts by TsukiNoKagura
Disclaimer: Bleach isn't mine! It belongs to Tite Kubo!
Warnings: Major OOCness for Byakuya-sama. It's also my first Crack fic and fic about Byakuya so take it easy. It also contains hardcore dirt about almost every character. This seriously isn't my style though.
Summary: What really goes on in our favourite sixth division captain's mind?
One-shot on Byakuya's thoughts of all other shinigami in Bleach.
Crack birthday fic for candy-puhleez. OOC alert!
Byakuya POV
I hate this serious demure.
No, seriously, I really wanted to say many, many things, but this stupid captain shell just stops me.
Everyone in this whole Soul Society annoys me to hell, how I wish I could tell them what I really think.
Hisana: Rest in peace, but seriously, what's with you and Rukia? YOU ABANDONED HER REMEMBER? And do you love her more than me? God your last wish was about HER. I can't believe I've ever loved someone so freaking selfish.
Rukia: I am so nice that I adopted you, now you repay me by hooking up with that Kurosaki punk? Then you blame it on me? Sheesh I should have just left you at that orphanage… And now you're trying to hurt my feelings by looking exactly like your own sister, are you two trying to be twins or something? Wait… that wouldn't make sense because she couldn't abandon you if you're born at the same time…
Ichigo: Stupid, immature brat. First you nearly made Rukia die, then you grab onto my perfect ankles when it's obvious that I defeated you, what are you trying to do? Look up my hakama? What the fuck?
Orihime: Matsumoto-wannabe, a stuck-up who only thinks of Kurosaki. If Rukia loves him so much then you shouldn't ruin their relationship. Go stick up to that geek.
Uryuu: HE LIKES KNITTING AND SEWING! Is that even a hobby for men? I'm surprised he didn't look like Yumichika or Charlotte.
Chad: He talks to birdies and stuff. It's plain scary…
Renji: Punk who think he's so good. You're trying to surpass me eh? I'll freaking slice you if you ever try, because I'm cool like that. I probably have more fangirls than you! Senbonzakura kicks more ass than Zabimaru!
Yamamoto: Old man, who's a real bitch in real life. He secretly owns a stash of porn magazines under his 'forbidden box of secrets'. Don't think I didn't know!
Sasakibe: Sigh… I don't know why, but his appearance seriously annoys me!
Yoruichi: Stupid, perverted were-cat. Your breasts aren't even good enough to squish people's heads with. So try again when you're as big as Matsumoto. But I can't imagine that because that will be gross~ And oh yeah stop messing my beautiful, shiny, straight hair, you know how many stylists I need for that?
Soi-Fon: The opposite of Yumichika. Get a gender change woman! We all know you're gay with the were-cat! Wait… is that even lesbian? She's technically an animal… what's that called again? Animian?
Omaeda: Fat-ass. He can eat five packets of crackers per minute; I'm surprised he didn't go for the Guinness World Records. He'll probably eat up the whole world one day.
Kira: You must be gay, YOU MUST BE! And you're an emo-wannabe. Gin is a freaktard already, you wanna go gay with HIM? Even Yumichika had his own limits.
Unohana: I swear you are evil. You look too dodgy… You must be a hollow in reality, that's why you act so kind. And your hair is way retarded; doesn't it tickle your neck or something?
Komamura: Loyal Dog/Wolf thingy. Bet he'll be shocked to hear about Yamamoto's porn!
Iba: Mummy's little boy, wears some old-school shades thinking he's Elvis or something.
Shunsui: Secret porn dealer. Yamamoto got his stash from him. He even makes his lieutenant carry a huge book of pornography so he gets easy access.
Nanao: Major copycat. She wants to be like Lisa but EPIC FAIL TO YOU!
Hisagi: Tattooing some sex position onto your face is a big no-no. It isn't very attractive… And at least Kensei had a good excuse for doing that. You don't.
Matsumoto: Put on a coat woman! No-one wants to see your… things…
And while we're at it stop corrupting your captain's mind. We captains needs to be respected and treated like we're the boss!
Hitsugaya: Midget, shorty, smart-ass, anorexic little kid. He thinks he's so cool. Need I repeat my self? CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BECOME CAPTAINS! He's not good at all, Hyorinmaru does everything for him.
Kenpachi: You're not as good as you think you are. No one wants to fight you because no one wants to see your ass kicked. Sheesh, go and dig yourself a hole or something! Not to mention appointed a kid as your lieutenant!
Yachiru: I know you're very strong for a little girl and stuff, but STOP FRIKIN INFILTRATING MY HOUSE! What are you trying to steal? And that Bya-kun calling is so annoying!
Ikkaku: Baldy who think he's so cool for hiding his bankai. I know your dirty little secret! Who cares? It's not so strong anyway, my bankai kicks more ass!
Yumichika: What a mega gaytard! If you want to do some gender-exchange then hurry up and go! You're a disgrace to the male race! You're not even beautiful looking, so stop criticising other people's looks! I personally think my kenseikans are very artistic and beautiful.
Kurotsuchi: F.R.E.A.K. End of comment. Who rapes his own daughter?
Nemu: I know it wasn't her fault and stuff… I bet she enjoys doing her own creator.
Ukitake: The only person I actually don't have something against, But why doesn't he cut his ugly hair? I bet he's sick because his long hair sucked up all the nutrition…
A/N: FINALLY COMPLETED! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAROLYN!
I seriously hate dishing dirt about Bleach characters.
Well, R&R please. But if you're gonna complain about OOC/retarded/plain weird then save your tongue/fingers, I DON'T CARE! *blocks ears* LALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!