Jealous by Astralpilgrim
Rating: K+ I think.
Disclaimer: Gene, Alex, Little Alex, Evan, Tim & Caroline Price, and A2A itself - none of these belong to me. They are the property of the BBC, Kudos and Monastic (among others). Definitely not mine.
Thanks so much for everyone's great reviews on my other stories! You make an old-ish Fanfic writer very happy! These are Alex's thoughts just before the end of the Series 1 finale. Ever been jealous of yoursef?
Alex watched as Gene told Little Alex Price just to shout for him if ever she was in trouble. Inwardly, she shivered. If she had no memory of this turn of events, did that make them all the less real? There were such things as mental blocks...
The one thing she couldn't shake though, was the sheer physicality with which the memories she did have access to had been forced back upon her. The sound of the bomb setting off, the heat as the flames leapt, the smell of burning debris - the way the smoke made her eyes sting. All conveniently stored in that part of the brain that was to have remained ever shut away - but now free as a bird. She doubted if they would ever leave her now.
And, looking once again upon the little girl in the squad room in the school uniform - she realised something else. These were her parents she'd lost - all over again. And more than that - apart from anything else, Caroline had become a friend, in a weird sort of a way. Alex was grieving too - but she could never explain to anyone exactly why. Not even Gene.
With a shudder, she realised that she was jealous of her younger self. Little Alex Price could get all the sympathy she ever needed or wanted (although, it was never enough - was it?), but Alex Drake would just be expected to draw a line under things and carry on. No sympathy for her. And yet, she'd felt as alone and bereft and as helpless as her eight-year-old self when that bomb had gone off. Even more so - the sense of failure was crippling.
She knew that Gene had been confused as to why she hadn't gone near the little girl. (Haven't you got a little girl of your own, Alex? You should know how to deal with this stuff, being a mother.) However, she'd found she couldn't even look at her younger self - except from a distance. Trying to reason with herself, she'd come up with the hypothesis that if she went anywhere near her, the world would implode or explode or something... but now she really knew the reason why. And it made her stomach turn.
And then, Gene was back in the office - talking. And she was replying to him, but not really listening. Evan took Little Alex Price home. That was the only way she could think of the girl - as a separate entity.
They're MY parents! Alex wanted to yell. I lost them too! But nobody can ever know that...
She felt a glass of whisky being pressed into her hand.
And that was the difference. It may be 1981 Alex, but you're an adult now. And you're expected to deal with these things in an adult way.
She knocked the whisky back, and felt her throat burn.
Thanks for reading - as ever, reviews greatly appreciated! ~ Astralpilgrim