AN: First Naruto story. Enjoy. And leave a bit of constructive criticism, if you will (but not much. This was really just for fun, so if it isn't funny to you, that's what I wanna hear about. For this particular story, I don't really care who's in character, and what names I spelled wrong and such).
Taboo
There are three things a ninja must be wary of above all—three things that can devastate if a ninja is distracted by them. These are the three Taboos of a ninja: gambling, women, and alcohol.
Tsunade, of the Legendary Sannin, called the Legendary Kunoichi, also goes by the nickname the Legendary Sucker. Consumed by want of money, gambling has overtaken her life, dictating practically every action she makes.
Her teammate, Jaraiya, seeing what her obsession does to her, should know better. But he does not. Jaraiya, the Toad Sage, has an overpowering lust for women. Even his own student has utilized this weakness to obtain what he wants from the Sannin.
And then there is their third teammate, Orochimaru…
In Orochimaru's Lair:
Kabuto stepped hesitantly to his master's door. He hadn't heard from Orochimaru for several hours now, which was a dicey thing. Softly, he knocked.
"Come in." The answer came after a long pause. Kabuto wavered for a moment, unsure of what he would find, before he entered.
"Kabuto!" The bespectacled rogue-nin let out an oof! as he was tackled around the middle by a blur of black and purple. "Mah main ma-an!"
Kabuto took one look at his apparently overjoyed master, and swept the room. "Not again," he groaned.
Bottles littered the floor, and a heavy aroma of sake clung to the air. Orochimarue's giant snake lolled in the corner, out for the count. Orochimaru himself swayed unsteadily to his feet, grinning like a lopsided maniac. "Why me?" Kabuto asked the heavens.
"Have a drink!" Orochimaru shouted, interrupting whatever reply the heavens had been preparing. "We haven't had a drink in f'rever. And you—" he poked the shorter man's chest—"dessssserve it."
"Lord Orochimaru," Kabuto said slowly, planning his words carefully, "How did you consume all this sake? Without your hands?"
"Oh yeah, watch thisssssss." Orochimaru then proceed to down another bottle he pulled from apparently nowhere using only the aid of his extremely dexterous tongue. "It took me a few triessss, but I got it. I got ssssome up mah nose." He sniggered.
"My Lord, perhaps this isn't the wisest idea."
"What're ya talkin' about, o' coursssse it isssss. I alwayssss have the bessst ideassss…sss. Now c'mon, I really really really wan' you to have a drink."
Kabuto eyed to bottle thrust two centimeters from his nose dubiously. "Lord Orochimaru, I thought we had tamed this obsession."
"What're you, mah mother? Siddown." The Sannin swept his feet into his servant's legs, and Kabuto went down, narrowly avoiding smashing an empty bottle with his bum. "You worry too much, K'buto," the inebriated snake-nin continued. "Ah'm great! My arms don' even hurt right now." His demeanor suddenly changed, and he lapsed into sullen muttering. "Sssstupid ssssensei, takin' mah armssssss… I jussst wan'ed t' kill him a bit…"
Hoping to alleviate Orochimaru's sudden black mood (which could be quite dangerous in his present condition), Kabuto grabbed a bottle and swigged. "This is very good," he choked. "It's no wonder you have so much trouble giving it up."
"Ah'm not givin' it up," Orochimaru stated, becoming pouty. "I decided I like it too much. Besssidessssssss, you only thought I gave it up. You never ssssaw the leetle bitty nickssss o' hooch I took behind yer back." He laughed maniacally.
"Lord Orochimaru," Kabuto exclaimed, scandalized.
"Kab'to, yer mah besssssty. Really. Really really really, yer like…." He paused for a long time, sluggishly searching for the right word. "Mah brother! Tha'sssss it. I think I should make you a medal." He staggered over the floor, bending and gathering bottle tops as best he could—which wasn't good, considering he was doing it with his tongue and was stone drunk. "Owie!" he exclaimed suddenly. "I cut mahthelfff. Mmm, blood. Thasthe goof."
"Uh, My Lord, why don't we just talk?" Kabuto suggested quickly, hoping to stall any further damage.
"'Kay. What about?"
"Uh… um…" Kabuto scrambled to find a subject before his master became distracted.
"I know!" Orochimaru yelled. "I'll tell you a sssssecret, an' then you tell me a sssssecret, an' then I'll tell you a sssssssssecret, an'—"
"Fine! Fine. What's your secret?"
Orochimaru leaned in closed, and hissed a whisper in Kabuto's ear. The younger man paled. "Y—you did… what with Tsunade?!?"
The world spun around him, and he face-planted from shock.
Orochimaru nodded vigorously at his unconscious body. "I wassss drunk then, too. Neat, huh?"
And that my friends, is why ninja should also stay far away from alcohol.
END
AN: My thinking is this: if gambling is taboo to ninja, and Tsunade is addicted to it, and women are taboo to ninja, and Jaraiya is a total perv, and alcohol is taboo to ninja, shouldn't they have made Orochimaru a total alcy? n.n